I’m staying with a coworker this weekend while I’m attending the music conference I’m at. She’s older than me…not as into technology so when she saw me reading a blog this morning of someone else she wondered what I was doing. I told her that I was reading a blog and then tried to explain what a blog is…my explanation didn’t seem to make it very clear. As blogs go there is probably no one definition that covers all blogs and I could tell she was puzzled as to why I would read thoughts from other people that could very well be private.

Anyway…I proceeded to tell her about the blog I was reading in that moment. It was from Momastery…a friend had linked her blog entry to Facebook today so I decided to check it out. The blog was about recovering and how we all are literally recovering from something. She wrote in particular about recovering from drugs and alcohol but proceed to discuss the fact that all of us have something to recover from. I spoke in general terms. My coworker doesn’t really enjoy getting into God talk. I’ve been with her enough to know her views on the matter. And I feel no need to preach to her.

It was funny though how my telling about this blog made her laugh like…not necessarily in agreement but more in a “whatever” tone of voice. She proceeded to tell me about how her sister’s church has a “recovery” program at their church that she is always trying to get my friend to go to. I could see this invitation wasn’t met with a desire to participate but more of an annoying quality to it. She then talked about how her neighbor told my coworker and her husband that she was praying for them after she realized they like to occasionally gamble. My coworker’s husband won a nice sum of money one time gambling and the neighbor somehow found out about it and decided to caution them on the sin/addiction of gambling. The irony…my coworker and her husband are probably the most financially able and competent people I know. They are very aware of money.

Here’s the rub…my coworker has been insulted by this kind of thing and hearing her talk was an opening for me to see the world in the way that some people see it. I get so used to living on the religious side of things sometimes I don’t realize how that kind of stuff is taken. If I offer to pray for someone than it better be a time when they really want that kind of thing…and it better not be in a way of judging them. I think prayer is useful and an act of caring in the right setting and moment…but when it’s expressed when what you’re really trying to do is get a person to change or to admit their sin…not so much. I can tell well meaning people have pushed my coworker further away…in fact my coworker and her husband view them as almost comical in a sarcastic kind of way.

Are we all recovering from something…well since we all have sin I guess. But I can tell you today when I mentioned the theme of that blog to a person who doesn’t have much to do with God…they didn’t buy into it.

That said…my coworker is a kind person who lives in a very ethical kind of way. I personally saw an example yesterday where she took the high road and another Christian in the same position did not. She shook her head…and sadly so did I. I don’t try to hard to “reach” my coworker…I just try to listen…to express care and to be present. I don’t argue or make impassioned presentations of the gospel. I just try to be real…and to let her know that I appreciate her real self too. She knows I was a pastor’s wife. And we’ve both lost a special person in our lives because of cancer so we have that common ground of loss to share. I don’t feel a need with her to present a plan of salvation, or to give her a three point sermon, or to convince her of anything…is my approach apathetic…I hope not. I do care about her. I just want to take it easy and let the Holy Spirit do His work. I’m available but not pushy. And honestly I think she respects that in me. She knows where I stand, there is no confusion on the matter…but we don’t feel the need to pressure each other to “convert”.

I was reminded today that the comments we make to neighbors and people around us in passing even when we think they are no big deal really do matter. When you offer to pray for someone what is truly your motivation? I think it’s a question worthy of being asked.

I can tell you, last night I talked with her about my desire to take a year off from school in 2013-2014 and she listened and had less judgement than most people I talk with about it all. I appreciated her openness to listen and respect me and my desires, hopes and dreams. I want to be able to extend her the same respect and openness.

I read a quote on a different blog today from Richard Rohr. I can’t remember the exact wording…but the effect was Us receiving the love of GOd in our own lives is what changes us. If we just try to be something or do something to fit a mold and guilt ourselves into it we are not changed. Only as we soak in the love of God and allow it to do the maturing work that it is supposed to do will we change. I think this is a great thought. How many times do we feel that we need to pressure people or coerce them. How many times do we highlight our part of the plan and not realize that if we step out of the picture God is still completely able to accomplish His good work. It’s a dynamic that will always be a mystery to me. God uses me…God lets me in on what He is doing…but God doesn’t need me. Almost seems at odds with each other but it’s not. My main job is to live in the love of God… to immerse myself so fully that the fruit of the Spirit start ripening in my life naturally.

If we had someone buzz every time we did or thought or said something that was not motivated by real Godly love I think we would fine that our days would be incredibly noisy. Motivation is key. And we are so good at fooling ourselves into thinking that we are doing something for good when often motives are mixed at best. Other people see it…it’s obvious to them. We must take a closer look at how we live and really consider what messages we’re sending even if the message doesn’t go along with the words spoken. People weed through the trash, the pick through the stuff that’s done for selfish reasons and for personal pride. Today I was just reminded of that by a coworker who was very honest with me about prayer and the people around her who offer to pray. sometimes prayer is not welcome. Sometimes it’s offensive when done with wrong motives.

By the way…this same coworker on the drive to Peoria asked me if I think that good people who are doing good things should/would have good things happen in their life. Kind of like an equation I guess. Doing good plus wanting to be good equals goodness. I softly said…”No…I don’t think that’s how it works.” I told her that I think rain falls on all of us and that we live in a very messed up world so we are bound to be caught up in messes that are sometimes our fault and often…just messes that are part of living in a broken world.” I didn’t go much further into the conversation. But again…an opening into a popular world belief…do good, be good, live good = deserved good things to happen to you. I was reminded of the words in Paul’s letters that tell us the exact opposite…to actually expect bad stuff to happen, suffering to occur when we do good. Talk about radical. We must take more time to really listen to people and to gently take the openings that are there right before us. Too many times we are planning our three point defense rather than really listening and making any effort to identify with the human condition. If God’s love changes me…than God in me loving others through me should lead to change of people around me simply by being in their presence.
These are my thoughts on this day…
Have a great Friday,
Ruth

I teach music.
I don’t think music is something that will end world poverty or solve the cultural issues we face. It won’t give homeless people shelter or bring about world peace. In fact compared to many subject areas it could be seen as an extra…an easy cut when money gets tight. And I understand…I do. I mean music isn’t going to pay the bills or even be useful or appreciated by many. And yet…

I think music is amazing. Have you ever sat in a room with an amazing choir under an amazing conductor. If not…you should it’s incredible. Have you ever had your spirits lifted by a song. Or ever exercised to music so that you could tolerate the whole thing more. How much music do you listen to in any given day?

I’m sitting at a music conference right now. Taking notes, trying to pick up helpful tips to become a better music teacher.
I struggle with the whole thing…many, many days I would rather not be teaching. I’m not proud of this fact but it’s true. I want to make a difference and sometimes feel like I am but often previous students are way too cool to even acknowledge me after they’ve gone on to high school. I understand…but still.

Am I changing the world? Is what I’m doing all that important? If we had no more music tomorrow would our world continue to rotate on it’s axis? Well…yes…but I have to tell you I think music for most of us is just about as important as breathing. Do you ever go through an entire day without hearing at least one song? I doubt it.

Music speaks to our soul and hearts and minds and gets our body moving and walks us through emotions we didn’t even realize we had. Music changes my mood and redirects my thoughts and causes me to worship.

I’m not sure why God chose me to be a music teacher. I grew up in a school system that had next to no music program. a band…a choir during my senior year of high school that limped along. Most of my music experience was taking piano lessons and in church. I missed out on a ton and I realize this when I’m around other music teachers. However…I’m always learning, growing, developing, evolving into a better understanding of what makes good music. I had no clue when I started about vowels and diction and all of the other stuff that makes or breaks a choir. I’m learning.

Today I sat in a room and just observed…and the music was like water flowing over me. Layers…lots of layers and harmonies and beauty and moments when the music held and clashed only to be resolved. Moments when the hair on the back of my neck rose and moments when accents marched their way into the room with force. It was amazing. Music is powerful…
Who knows…maybe music could help with the whole world peace thing:)

What are your musical experiences from life? How has music or is music making a difference in your life? Do you have a favorite song or musical? How does music effect your daily life?

I know for my mom I have to make sure that her music is set up everyday when I leave for school…it’s the background soundtrack to her entire day.

Sometimes I enjoy silence…when I’m tired, when I’m worn out from noise and sound. But I know every day at some point I listen or sing or play music in some form or fashion.

I’m a music teacher…I’m making a difference in my world. Teaching children to love music and to make it a part of their daily life. It’s a worthwhile profession.

Love,
Ruth

Today I'm headed to a music conference in Peoria that will last until Saturday night. I've enjoyed the time with my mom this week and I know my kids will enjoy the rest of the week with her. I'm hopeful that I'll come home a better music teacher, and also that I'll come home refreshed with new ideas and thoughts. I'm hoping that I have time to do a bit of reflection this weekend as well. We'll see.

This winter has been so different from last winter. Last winter we actually had 10 snow days. It was like having a whole extra Christmas break. This year it has been zero. I appreciate the nicer weather but I do miss the occasional break that snow days bring. Hopeful that it will mean even more to me in May when we get out on time! We actually get out around May 19 this year which is amazing!! I really only have 3 and a half months left of this year. And only one more year of Lydia in middle school. She's already talking about how she would like to go to Bethel as well, the school Lauren attends for high school. So I'm sure they will both probably go there. It continues to work out well for Lauren. Oh there are some interesting cultural things and of course at a Christian school you get into some rather nitpicky stuff…but in a way it's almost comical. I do see her making some friends and her grades are good, she's feeling confident and she comes home everyday talking about her day at school so all of these things are good and tell me we made the right choice.

Switching gears…

Recently in my town I saw a sign advertising for a church, on a billboard that states "God isn't mad at you" and then has the churches name and website which has something about being 4u in the web address. I found that to be the strangest sign. Is that really what you find that people think about God? Do people walk around thinking God is mad at them and that's why they stay away from churches? I've never felt that way. Oh I've felt the conviction of God, I've felt guilt in moments or shame…but God being "mad" at me. I can't even picture the creator of the universe throwing that kind of temper tantrum. I realize that there are times in the bible when God's anger does wipe out people and things and I realize God is just and therefore won't tolerate the way we like to paint Him these days. But God mad…I don't know. It just felt really strange to me. I'm curious what you think…do you find that people stay away from God or the church because they feel He is "mad" with them? Maybe I'm just not in touch with how the world feels…because the statement on a billboard seemed…strange.

Off to another day…Hope it's a good one…knowing that it will be good if I choose for it to be…it's all about my mental preparation.

Lately, I wonder if I've portrayed myself as struggling, tired, worn out, almost even depressed more than the average person. This has been a challenging past couple of months for me and I'm getting older and as any teacher knows the longer you teach the more worn out you tend to feel. But I hope I don't seem too  over the edge. I even asked Lauren yesterday because of occasional comments people make…"Lauren do I seem like I'm over the edge…" And she looked at me and said…"Well you're kind of different mom…but you're the same kind of different you always have been" Now that's reassurance:).

Love,

Ruth

My mom turned 70 this month…January 5th. I can tell it feels different to her. An entry point to a new phase of her life. She's still active…but admits that she's not active in the same way she was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. I asked her tonight…what matters to her in this next decade. I think sometimes it's good to see when you're in the middle…what really matters to the people who are closer to the end. Not that we have any idea of how long we have to live but generally speaking.

Her answer…

She wishes she would've helped others more along the way. Which is kind of ironic because if you know my mom you know that she's spent her entire life helping others. I wanted to stop and say…but mom you've already done so much for other people how in the world would you look back and think that you could've done more? But in her heart…I guess she can probably think of more that could've been done and she realizes more and more how valuable it is to help others.

She also mentioned that at this point, during this decade her focus was going to be on relationships. Again…no surprise. Oh my parents are very task orientated and always up for a project but they've also always cared for others. I think more than ever people…dad, us kids and grandkids…loved ones, people she works with, friends, etc. are what matter to mom. 

We all know that helping others and making others a priority is what's important even mid race but how often do we let other things, projects and goals keep us from focusing that simply in our lives. 

I mean I want to write a book. Learn to crochet better. Travel more. etc. but in honesty I know if I never write a book or learn to crochet any better or ever travel again or a multitude of other things I might possibly do it won't be that big of a deal.

I'm reminded of what is important. I already knew it. I just don't always live it.

I'm grateful to have my mom in my home this week…we just ran to walmart to buy yarn. We were so silly in the aisle as we held up skeins of various yarn to ourselves trying to figure out what colors would look best on us. It's good to laugh with mom. She can be gullible at times…a little naive and then she'll come up with the funniest bit of humor or a witty comment and have all of us laughing because it's so unexpected. 

Today my mom washed my dishes twice. Did a couple loads of laundry. Sewed on a button on a vest I've had sitting in a pile since September. She got Lydia practicing violin after school while I was at a meeting. Her presence in my home made me eat healthier:). She made our dinner a family experience…nourishment for heart and soul…not just body. She put some pieces in a puzzle and is now sitting on the couch crocheting..determined to learn a new skill. 

My mom is a remarkable woman and I'm glad I belong to her. She has set a high example for me as she has served people without judgement and always put others before herself. 

Tonight, I'm grateful.

Feels a bit like holy ground honestly:).

Ruth

Life seems a lot more grey to me in many areas than I think it used to.  Maybe that's just part of growing up and seeing that I really have relatively few answers that I can declare with confidence. 

This morning in Sunday School class we were talking about the passage of scripture in Luke where Jesus eats with the tax collectors and sinners and the Pharisees confront him about it. We were talking about how Jesus ate with people. We've been studying now for a long time about what Jesus did and how we need to do those same things so that we are in line with the mission that Jesus wants us to be about. Which makes sense most of the time to me. Occasionally I walk away from a class like this morning just wondering. And honestly…I think if I leave a class thinking and wondering about it even later into the afternoon than it's probably a good sign. I don't really need to go to classes that are just easy answers and produce no thought or contradiction in my mind. So this is a compliment.

This is what I was wondering today. Who are the tax collectors and sinners in my life today? What does that mean, how does that play out? We were encouraged to tithe our meals this week or at least over the next few weeks and spend a 10th of our meals with "tax collectors and sinners." Ironically enough…I could often count eating with my children in this category…It just doesn't seem very clear cut to me. The crazy thing is, in my neighborhood I'm being drawn to spend time with an elderly woman two houses down from me and I don't think she fits into either of those two categories. I find myself wanting to buck the system and say…no…I don't just want to add on, or create some fake relationship so that I can cross this next task off of my to do list. I do this way too easily. And I'm sure that wasn't what was meant in class…but that's how I hear it. I'm a go getter…throw me a ball and I'll run or at least die trying. But I've done that too much over the years. And I'm starting to just think that God loves people and He loves the people next to me and the people across from me and the people in my zumba class (I've gone three times…so I can now count it as mine:), and the people at my work and the kids I teach and the people at the store and at the gas station and at the restaurant I go to and the people everywhere I go. And all He wants from me is for me to love the people He's already put in my path.

There is this crazy thing that kicks in with us when we read about tax collectors and sinners…we automatically start thinking of the worst places that we should be going to, the bars get mentioned, the strip clubs, etc. and I'm sure that for some people…maybe that would be a natural place to hang out, but honestly…it's not for me. For me it's as simple as not freaking out when the music in zumba class is not "christian" and probably says a few things that aren't real great. The normal response of Christians would be for us to start up our own class with appropriate music. I realized today while shaking my booty to the songs…I'm eating with tax collectors and sinners when i go to zumba. Ok you have to use your imagination a little. I'm not eating…but that's actually a good thing for me . But I think anytime I just hang out with people and see them as people the categories no longer matter.

I don't walk around my neighborhood trying to figure out who really needs me and who is already saved and who is worthy of my time…I just walk or go up to a door and if the time and availability are right…than I consider it an open door from God and walk through.

Labels…I can't do them. I don't want to do them. Because honestly, half of the time at least I'm sure that when I hang with "church" people I'm hanging with sinners too. I realize we're not supposed to just hang with church people…but I don't worship every sunday with a bunch of pharisees. I worship with real people with real needs and real sin and real struggle. I can't just hang them out to dry so that I can fill my tax collector quota. 

So…my conclusion…it's deep…get ready for it. God loves people…therefore He puts people in my life for me to love too…so all I need to do is start loving them. I don't need to add on anything…I don't need to take a class, or learn a method…I just need to listen to His voice and be willing to obey at a moment's notice and start opening my eyes to the people in my life right now. And for me right now that seems like an elderly lady names Katie down my street who I want to take dinner to and visit with. She is probably already a Christian…won't stir up a neighborhood revival or anything but I don't think that is my concern. And for me last summer that meant giving a complete stranger in my neighborhood enough money to have someone come in and trim his trees because after I mowed the yard next door we talked and I realized his health issues and that he had a need…He's already a Christian. I could've said…well I need to save my resources for those who aren't saved…I mean I need to make sure I fill a quota but honestly…I knew it was the right thing to do…He needed to know that God is good in real time and real space and if I could be a part of that than so be it.

I watched "Funny Girl" last weekend with Lydia with Barbara Streisand…the movie wasn't all that great in my opinion but the song "People" runs through my mind today. People are people…who have needs, Jesus didn't make a zig or a zag to get to certain groups of people…He interacted with who he was around in that moment and took it to the next logical step. That's all I need to do to.

At least that's my opinion…what I believe God is trying to say to me.

Secondly…the issue of random acts of kindness/niceness came up in class again today. And that is a confusing issue. Obviously when we are expressing kindness we are looking to develop some relationships and further the thing and have opportunity to build connection and progress to love one another. It makes random acts of niceness sound a whole lot less spiritual or not nearly as good. Can make a person feel deflated if they've just been "nice" and not considered "kind". Again…I think this gets into some crazy hair splitting issues. I encourage you and I will live this way as well…always, always error on the side of being nice and kind. Who cares how the person takes it…it's a blessing regardless. Don't over think the thing. WHen God speaks…obey, follow, let Him sort it out.

Just last week I read on a friend's blog about a story from steak and shake…you might have seen it as well. In brief a mom was with her children after having a rough morning, at steak and shake…money is tight, going out to eat is an extra and at the end of the meal she found out a man whom she has never met, didn't know, who had already left paid for her meal. It was very random…no personal connection at all, probably not likely to have any further relationship…but this mom left that restaurant blessed beyond belief because she needed that encouragement from God more than that man could've possibly known. My point is…some of the times when I've been blessed by God the most…when I've really needed a sign from Him have been acts like this one. God can use anything and everything we do. And we can't possibly know how much it might mean to the person behind us in the drive through line or the person across a restaurant that we don't even know. 

We must not sort so much in our lives and judge and make assumptions and think it's all black and white. God speaks…He whispers, He prompts, He leads, He directs, He redeems, He uses us to accomplish His purposes and I don't care who that is to or what method is used. I am resolved to be available and at the ready whether it's sharing a meal with an elderly lady or picking up the trash blowing down the road, whether it's a gift of money to trim trees or a gift to help a single mom go back to school, whether it's a meal paid for by a stranger or a door held open, whether it's in the evening, noon or morning, in the school a store, a restaurant in my own home. I have determined…I don't care about location, or about the person or about the size of the gift or kindness. My only resolution at this point is to listen to God and follow whatever He has placed in my path. If I suddenly feel a calling to go visit a bar and reach out there…great. But if not…I can surely do the same thing at zumba or any other place I'm already at. 

I am resolved no longer to linger…resolved to put no limits on God or formulas…I just want to listen, listen, listen and obey, obey, obey and trust, trust, trust, and leave all results with Him.

I'm glad I go to a church that makes me think through my faith, my walk with God, and leaves me thinking and pondering and processing my own faith out with fear and trembling. It's a good place to be on Sundays:).

Love,

Ruth

P.S. I have a great Sunday school class, a great teacher (in fact 3) and I am glad to be a part of the class and a part of my church…I'm also thankful that at my church we can think for ourselves a bit too. I'm awed again that God not only speaks to pastors and teachers but to us common folk as well:).