I am still running every day. I discovered last night that going to the park at 7:30pm isn’t a great idea as I ended up having to run in the dark and had to deal with the oncoming tractors carrying children on rides while the corn maze event was going on. I prefer to be in daylight. I just didn’t realize how quickly it gets dark now. Kind of sad. My books on running haven’t arrived yet…bummer, hopefully this week.

I went to share a prayer request in Sunday School today just like we always do in our small groups and I surprised myself with the emotion that came to the surface…where does that come from. I mean one moment I’m thinking that I’m going to just say…”hey I could use some prayer on my plate spinning this week” and the next minute I’m not even talking or looking up because I have this sense that I’m about to lose it and would really rather not. I told the girl writing down the prayer requests…I’m not even sure what the request is…but my plate covering my needs has been having a hard time. I’m needing more adult friendship in my life…but everybody is busy and I’m busy too so I understand…but for me to stay sane I really do need some outside contact with adults. I talk with adults at work, really I do:). But just to spend some relaxed time with friends doesn’t happen very much. I did have a great time at lunch today with friends from church which was nice. And I had a friend in my Sunday School small group invite me to a ladies bible study on Thursday nights which in some ways sounds nice. And I do appreciate the offer. I don’t really feel much grief these days…but Mark’s been gone three years and four months today and although in many ways my life is awesome and the best ever…in other ways I really miss the things you take for granted when you’re a part of a couple situation. I miss having a best friend. Plain and simple that’s the best way to put it. Is God there…definitely…do I have wonderful friends and family…sure, but a best friend…I don’t have.

Maybe it’s been aggravated lately because I’ve been reading a book called “The Girls from Ames” all about girls who grew up together and are still best friends. It’s fun to read some of their stories and its reminded me how important friendship really is. I find it interesting that the girls talk about only being able to be completely their real selves with each other because they knew each other when it was just them…no kids, husbands, jobs, etc. I guess that’s interesting to me…because I feel that I am so much more my “real” self today than I was as a kid or a teenager. I look back on those years and I see someone who had no idea who she was and was very insecure. I’m not that person anymore. I find myself wondering while I read the book who my “girls” are…my best friends, the people who really know me well. And I have to say my sisters especially Becky and Mary Anne have taken on greater significance in my life the older I get. I love my whole family. But I shared a bedroom with my sisters for most of my growing up years. They have the same dna…the same wierd quirks, the same childhood memories and as adults we’ve all weathered some tough storms…storms that could’ve taken everything…and yet through the grace of God we’ve been able to overcome. I can’t help but look at my sister’s becky and mary anne and see their familys and praise God. I could say the same about my brothers Jim and Phil but you know how it is…guys don’t tend to want to go to those kind of emotional levels with you:). And my sweet sister Sue…I think because she came along so much later in life it just always feels like a different relationship…good mind you but different. She’s all grown up now with Kendra and one on the way…but her growing up years were very different in many ways, not easier, just different. We’re still close though:). And my sister in law Amy is special to me too:). I’ve had childhood friends but I tell the girls all the time when they’re down about not having close friends in school…I really don’t stay in touch with anybody from those years (occasionally Delynn:). And now a days I would have to say I’m my real self with my Christian friends. The bond we share in Christ is so much more than any bond you develop from school days or childhood memories. I don’t ever read in the Girls from Ames book about their faith really…so what they have to cling to seems to be the memories from the past. But with my Christian friends we may talk about memories and the past but what really bonds us is our common hope for the future. I have a lot of great friends at church and I’m grateful.

They say that when women hit their 40’s the need for woman friendships increases….maybe because you’re through the child rearing days…through the early phases of marriage and hopefully into a good pace there…your career or lack there of has been determined probably…but friendships become more important. In this book it even talks about the effects of life quality and how long a person might live based on their friendships or lack of. Isolation is not a good thing. I’m one of those people who can do alone pretty good…I prefer to shop alone…I don’t mind eating out alone…I love to read alone…but I know in the future I’m going to have to be careful about it. Too much alone time can be a bad thing. WIth the kids home right now that’s not a huge problem:)…but it might be someday. I want to find ways to interact more with adults…not necessarily a bible study…but just the ability to call a friend up and set up a lunch date…I think that would be good for me. We’ll see.

Anyway, hope you’re having a wonderful long weekend. I do enjoy staying connected through this blog and facebook. By the amount of people on facebook and the amount of time that it appears we all spend apparently we all have a strong need for connection. I’m regularly delete probably 30-40 messages a day off of this blog…all junk mail, I have no idea how people get ahold of this blog to send wierd things too but they do…and most of the time that’s what I do…check comments and delete comments. Thank you Lori and Anita for occasionally helping me to know that this is still a connection with real people. Thank you to any of you who once in awhile leave a comment…it’s encouraging to me. I know you have busy lives…I’m not expecting anything much. I know what I have to write is not profound or some grand new thought…I would occasionally like to think it is…but then I’m reminded there’s nothing new under the sun. It’s just good to be reminded that I’m not alone. Many days I feel that I am.
Love,
Ruth

I often read on facebook on the weekends about couples going out on a date…which I think is awesome and very healthy. I never do that anymore. I have friends…but truthfully my friends have lives to keep up and have no time for a single woman like myself to be calling up and saying “hey do you want to go out.” It’s awkward enough as it is for me to make a call like that…because I know what it means to be a wife and mom…I have no desire to add to their load. So I never go out. I never have just adult time…not even at work. I do everything with my kids…not so much because I think that’s the healthiest thing possible…but more because it’s the way my life is set up. We’re very close…it makes sense since we are together every morning, on the way to work, off on and on during work, on the way home from work, every evening, every weekend…we really are very rarely apart. I do enjoy this for the most part. But honestly…I don’t think they realize that normal would involve going out with just adults from time to time. I know some of you might say you don’t go out either…if you have opportunity to go and don’t then you should… So I debated…maybe I just need to go out by myself tonight on a “date’ by myself. I tossed it around in my mind for a few minutes but didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that although I enjoy alone time that had little appeal to me. So…I won’t bother. Instead I just popped some freezer egg rolls in to the oven and will hang out at home…go for a run later.

On days like today I realize how much even 3 and a half years later I miss Mark. On a day like today he could’ve just looked at me and realized…Ruth needs some help, a break…he was good at grabbing me and making me literally sit down in his lap and holding me there. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me…but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself…he stopped me. I miss that.

I’m on the otherside of it at this point…I sat down and talked to Lauren about the issue of the “load” and the kinds of things that would help to lighten the load. And at this point…I’m done working and can just relax this evening. So it’s all good…at least until the next time. It’s so hard to keep everything spinning… to keep it all in balance. I’ve been doing so good in some areas…but aware again of how hard this whole issue is for me.

I haven’t gone out on a date in a long time…The last actual date I remember was with Mark when we went to see Billy Joel in April, 2007. By today’s standards of romance and relationships I would definitely be an oddity. It’s been a long time…with no changes in the near future I’m guessing. One of the really great benefits of being married is you have two to carry the load. That whole scripture in the bible about two being better than one is so right on. When Mark was alive I could occasionally see plates of his that needed some help to keep spinning so I could help him…and he saw a few of mine about to crash and gave them a spin. I know not all marriages are good in that way…I’m not trying to idealize marriage…even now I remember how hard it was. Marriage is not easy…but I have a feeling these years would’ve been the pay off years…the years when things would’ve really been in sync with Mark and I. And he’s a world away.

Anyway…that’s where I’m at today. It’s been a good day…really…I made friendship bracelets with the girls…Lydia and I worked on a school project…I’ve cleaned…every sprayed the yard for bugs…I’m at the point where I can sit back a little…I think it was just the final hour that did me in. Deep breath…it’s all good.

Love,
Ruth

This past week I got a new wall calendar and have had a great time filling it out with everything coming in the next year…I’ve already got my next summer’s trip on the calendar:). Balance is good at the moment at my house…I know not everyday can be in balance but I enjoy it when it is.

I’m so happy to be to a three day weekend!!!! I sense some cleaning therapy coming on. I’m loving this cooler weather…better for running:). My books should be arriving soon so then I’m sure I’ll even learn more about it all…which seems really fun to me right now.
Have a great day!
Love,
Ruth

2 Comments

• At September 4, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  emjoy your consistent schedule... i too love being on one, i feel more productive. so glad that you and lauren are running together. i know that it means alot to her now and will later also.

  have a great weekend, enjoy your extra day too!! love you all...

• At September 4, 2010, Anita wrote:

  I'm proud of you for keeping your running schedule.

So…the barefoot thing…I get the feeling that maybe people don’t actually go completely barefoot when they do it…I discovered that there are actual barefoot shoes that you can get that are close to being barefoot without being barefoot if that makes sense:). SO…I ordered a pair…it will be interesting to see what they’re like since they have toes in them like toe socks do. I just thought if I did it a little differently like that I would probably be more motivated to keep running. Time will tell. I also had the good fortune today of finding out that “The Bridge” my old church, is going to sponsor a 5k race in November…I think I might do it, it’s for a good cause and will surely be fun and something for me to work toward.

The main thought that came to mind today about running is the fact that it really helps me to have my eye on that next pole, or the next bench, or whatever the next landmark is to keep me going. If I don’t have something in sight I think that I wouldn’t stay encouraged and feel like I’ve accomplished something. When we go to the park we walk a section, run a section and back and forth so it breaks it up for us. I think it’s the same in life…where we fix our eyes is really important, we can take in the view but ultimately we need to have our eyes fixed on the next thing that will bring us closer to the end. The bible talks about that…fixing our eyes on the Author and perfector of our faith. Where my eyes look tends to be where I go…(Oh be careful little eyes what you see…). So spiritually speaking I have to think about what my eyes are focused on. I tell the girls all the time to be careful what they watch and put into their minds because it all stays with you long after you want it to be gone. I’ve never been able to be one of those people who watches scary shows and then is able to turn it off just like that. I just have to stay away from that kind of stuff. Often I think my eyes are simply fixed on getting through another day…survival mode. The next bench…the next lamp pole…I think that’s alright…but ultimately I probably need to have my eyes fixed a little farther down the path then just what this next day holds. It’s just something to think about…what are your eyes fixed on…what are you headed to in a month, six months, a year, five years… In running I’m finding that the goal setting portion of it all is important. If I just run to run…well I won’t stick with it…because frankly I don’t just love to run. But if I have a goal…then I might be able to stick with it…I hope:).

Hope you have a great night…I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday and it’s a three day weekend. I was having the kids listen to Handel’s Messiah today (yes…I can do that even in Public School:)…and when the Hallelujah Chorus came on I was thinking…it’s almost the weekend…yeah!!! Every kid recognized the Hallelujah chorus…amazing since it’s 300 years old. And I had to smile at the fact that when they sing it they don’t realize it but they’re singing literally. “Let’s praise God…” with every Hallelujah:).

Love,
RUth

1 Comments

• At September 2, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  still loving this... hang in there girl!!!

Traveling light…every trip we take we tend to want to pack lighter the next time. It’s incredibly annoying and frustrating if you’re on a trip and you have to lug luggage the whole time. You start to realize…hey I can wash stuff out in the sink and let it dry…there really is no need for this many clothes…and all of the other stuff…well it isn’t all that important either. I admired all the people we saw backpacking it in Europe. So…when we ran barefoot today it made me think about traveling light. We here in America have so much stuff that holds us down, you have to take care of it, maintain it, feel guilty if you don’t use it, pay to store it, want to get rid of it so you get more…it’s a viscious cycle. I was reminded today that traveling light is a physical thing, but it’s also an emotional and spiritual thing. Not clinging to anything…running free. It frees your mind to not have to deal with the stuff. Today as I ran I felt so much better than yesterday…I’m not sure that I’ll do it that way every day but for this rainy day it was perfect…actually refreshing:). I want to travel light more in my life.

I want to have less clutter…buy less stuff…give more away…not hang on to old hurts…brush off things that have offended me…let go of the way I think life should be and accept it for what it is. I want to be like the African child running down the dirt road. Ok…so I don’t desire to be homeless or poor or starving…but my point is…I want to live…not just take care of stuff and schedule…I want to “be” not just “do”.

It would’ve never crossed my mind before yesterday to run barefoot…I think I can see myself doing it a lot now that I’ve tried it:).

Love,
Ruth

1 Comments

• At September 2, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  you're a brave soul... i am so enjoying these posts even though i don't post much. i am usually reading the posts from my phone on break.

  love you three!!!!

Please expect suffering to enter your life. Not in a way where you’re afraid of what might happen. But in a way where when it does happen you have coping mechanisms in place. Live in a way where you will have no regrets. Treat others in a way where if they’re gone tomorrow you will be glad at how you talked with them today. It doesn’t hurt to imagine what you would do if something happened to your spouse, your children…it doesn’t mean that it will. But a wise couple plans on the fact that one might be left alone someday…what that would mean financially, how would the one left cope. The truth is…the one leaving…they’re just fine or they will be…it’s the one left behind that is left to run. If all we ever picture for ourselves are sunny days and perfect families within perfect homes…we’ll be devastated at the first loss that comes our way. I love how the bible says…count on trials, plan on suffering…don’t be taken off guard when it hits. God’s tried to prepare us for the reality.

Do you know that suffering is one of the major tools that God uses to draw you to Himself? Would you really wish that away…the chance to draw closer to God so that you could have an easier life? It’s something to think about. Is this earthly race so precious that we want to stay here and keep racing forever or are we running to receive the prize…to finish the race?

If you are the person suffering I think the best thing you can do is make every effort to do the next right thing. To take the next step forward no matter how small it is. Who knows how close you are to the finish line at any time…soak in the encouragement of others and keep moving forward. If you are the person watching, care giving, supporting the person suffering…you have your own world of pain. Especially if you’ve been running side by side with the person suffering…You might suddenly find yourself being distanced away from your loved one. It’s hard to stay side by side when one person is barely able to put one foot in front of another. Who knows you might actually be called upon to carry your loved one for awhile. We all have our own race to run. You might watch your loved one cross the line and frankly you might wish that you could exit the race and cross the finish line at the same time. It’s really hard to keep running when you’ve witnessed someone that close to the finish. But regardless you must keep running.

We all have times when the pain is so much that we need to have our wounds wrapped, iced, healed. But those times should be the rarity and not for long. Running this race is all about endurance. And we are called to endure. We can say suffering is from Satan…we can call it enemy warfare. But it could just possibly be something simply that God allows so that we realize He’s running with us. That whole footprints poem is right. Sometimes in your worst of times when you look back you’ll see that God was carrying you all along the way.

We tend to count on each other maybe a little too much. It’s easy to do…we can see each other, touch each other…I can’t see or touch God. So…we rely on each other, what happens when suffering knocks out the props. It should remind us that God is with us, that His presence is enough, that He is cheering us on…that He is making sure our wounds are bound and taken care of, He’s making sure to lead us by the cool water to refresh us…He’s never leaving us or forsaking us. It’s the ultimate running partner situation. Clearly He’s holding back to be able to run with me at my pace. He’s the world famous runner matched with the baby who’s just learned to walk it would appear, but He doesn’t seem to mind. As long as we don’t just give up, as long as we put all effort into moving forward…I think we’re on the right track. That’s all He asks of us and anybody can achieve that. Giving up is a deliberate choice that you make in your mind. No one can force you to give up…you must choose to.

So…what happens the next time something doesn’t go your way? What happens the next time something unexpected happens? What happens the next time you experience loss. That’s the kind of hard mental stuff that needs to be decided long before the situation arises. I choose to run.

Entry 2

Read the devotional passage today about the four men who were friends of the paralyzed man in the bible. They so badly wanted him to be healed…so badly that they were willing to go to the roof and find a way to lower the man down to Jesus to get His attention. And then the first thing that Jesus tells the man is “your sins are forgiven”. Not to be short sighted here…but as the friend my first thought would’ve probably been…”that’s great…but we were looking for a physical healing…” or …”ok Jesus…that’s not quite the direction we were going with this…do we need to help you out a little.” They were looking for a physical healing I’m sure. It was the obvious need, the reason they had put a hole in this person’s home. They wanted the paralyzed man to be able to walk. So…his sins were forgiven.
Jesus realizing what everybody was thinking turned it around then and addressed the man’s physical needs and said “get up and walk”, or something to that effect and the man got up and was physically healed. But the point was made…for true healing to occur it would appear that involves the spiritual and physical. The physical healing may very well rely on the spiritual. While I don’t believe that people are physically ill because of sin…still the two elements of what we can see and touch and what we can’t see and touch seem to be connected.

Physically everyday I run a race. I run the rat race of life. I get up, get the kids around and head out for school. I run through my schedule, try to fulfill all of my obligations at work and then come home to fulfill obligations at home until it’s time to collapse and regroup for another day that will be much the same as I’ve just gone through. I’m running a race…it would be very easy to become shortsighted and to focus simply on getting through the day, to forget that this is much more than a daily grind. I tend to beg God to give me relief in the physical part of my race. I live for a day off…maybe desire a different job. I envy another person who seems like they have it easier. But what if God is saying to me…”hey Ruth…your sins are forgiven”. If I’m not careful I could find myself saying…”that’s great God…appreciate it…but now about my daily schedule and responsibilities what can you do about that.” So God in His mercy says…”OK Ruth, I’ll put it another way…”Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I’ll give you rest”.

Forgiveness of sins and physical needs seem to have some hand in hand connection. I’m not sure how that works exactly, but what if I was more aware of the forgiveness that God has already granted me. Could that knowledge be enough to change my reality, my day to day living? Am I really living in that forgiveness…I wonder. And why would Jesus put it that way to that man. What did He mean? I wonder…

Entry #3
My daughter Lydia’s response to the fact that I’m going to start running today was real uplifting…”I doubt that will last for very long”. I can’t fault her too much. She’s seen me make goals and break commitments to those goals too many times especially in the area of diet and exercise. I’m not proud of it but it’s true. Too many times I’ve had the greatest of intentions and not been able to have the follow through to keep going.

When she said that to me today though it made me feel sad, but at the same time…I knew that regardless of what she or others said I needed to stay true to what I believe and the fact that even if I’ve failed before that doesn’t mean that this time has to be a failure too.

Too many Christians join the race with the rest of the crowd but then as soon as the first naysayer comes along and reminds them of their failures they bow out. It’s hard to dismiss the reality of failure. We all have a track record that reminds us…every one has sinned, every one fallen short. So what do you do about it? Figure…it’s hopeless you’re too much of a failure; you’ll never be able to keep in the race. Well…if you’re relying on yourself to have enough get up and go to make it…you might as well throw in the towel. But if you’re counting on God…counting on Him to be there and to help you with each step you take…then get back up every time you trip and fall…get the pace back to where it should be if you’ve been lolly-gagging along the way.

We serve a merciful God, a God who is aware that we’re going to fall. When you watch your baby start to walk the first few steps…even the first few days and weeks you know in advance they’re going to fall. But parents don’t ever say…well since you fell yesterday then you might as well not even try today. No…instead we stand our kids back up and encourage them to keep going…we hold their hands…we cheer them on…we let them know we’re watching. God does the same with us. He already knows precisely, exactly when I’m going to fall…some would say then if that’s the case why doesn’t He prevent it. Do we prevent every fall our children take? Would we even want to…how would our children ever learn to be independent if we did that with them. We know how much they can handle. If we as parents know when our kids need us to pick them up and carry them how much more would God know what we need?

So…I told my daughter…”yeah, you’re right…I’ve pretty much fallen through on every other time I’ve tried to diet or exercise on a regular basis. But this time…it’s going to be different.” I felt a little nervous telling her that…because I had that niggling fear in my mind that I might screw this up too. But I’m counting on the fact that “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” I can’t keep running every day…I can’t make the changes I need to make on my own…but in the power of Christ I can and will.

1 Comments

• At September 2, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  wonderful thoughts......glad that you are sharing this race with us!!! love you!!

I liken this day to the start of my becoming a Christian…I’m in the race. Slow to be sure. I was only six years old when I became a Christian, at church camp in the camper/van that my parents used for family camp. My mom prayed with me. Honestly, I became a Christian because I was terrified to go to hell. Maybe not a terrific start…I’m sure I didn’t really know what I was getting in for…but none the less it was a start. And I feel that way today…I know I don’t know what I’m doing running…I know when I passed other people going the other way tonight I wish I didn’t have to breath so hard like I was about to have a heart attack. But at the same time…I ran and I’m in the race. Initially that’s good enough. It’s not where I want to stay…and surely I hope to do more than a loop around our park but it will come. I’m reminded too that encouragment from others does wonders. And discouragement deflates. I hope that I’m an encourager. I’m reminded that being in the race isn’t necessarily going to be an injury free experience…you never know. And life is the same…but I don’t want to do it half way…I want to go all out physically and spiritually, holding nothing back.
That’s where I am today:).
Ruth

1 Comments

• At August 31, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  good for you~way to go!!! pace yourself and keep up with walking even if on the treadmill!!

If you get bored of reading about my daily runs then I apologize in advance…I have this terribly sensation that I’m boring you or telling you more than you want to know…but that’s what I will probably be writing about. If you want to join me in any way…or if you are already a runner then please feel free to throw encouragement my way and I will do the same for you. I sense that running alone will not work for me…I’m going to need help.

So…day one…pros vs. cons.
I wonder if my body can handle running…
I wonder if it will feel like I’ve just thrown another plate into the air and what if it crashes and I can’t keep it spinning…
I wonder if I can endure…

I’m excited to start…
I’m enduring in every other area of my life so why not this area…
I don’t have to run any set distance…I will do what I can for this day.
Running could actually bring greater balance to the many plates that I spin everyday…imagine that:)

Ok the pros outweight the cons:).

Look out world…here I come,
Love,
Ruth

2 Comments

• At August 31, 2010, carole`dillehay wrote:

  Tim has started to walk every morning before I even get up.... grandson Nick has put on his jogging shoes for the past 2 days and jogged around the block and daughter-in-law Tabitha is training to run a 5K on Thanksgiving morning... are they trying to tell me something ???? and now YOU !!! I will look forward to your writing....

• At August 31, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  i would LOVE to run with you, but don't get off in time... i know, EXCUSE #1!! but i will be cheering you on, i will have water and protein bars for you!!

  woo hoo, so excited to see what you share with us!!!

2 Comments

• At August 31, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  i am with you sister!! carry on... love you!!!

• At August 31, 2010, Anita wrote:

  I'm looking forward to reading about the race.

I’m grateful…not complaining…just dragging on a Monday morning knowing that this week is going to be a full/long one for me. I’ll go take some ibprofen…eat some breakfast, maybe that will help things to start looking up:).
I think the rain today expresses how I feel…we do need rain…and it’s alright to have days when we feel dark and gloomy. I’ll be alright.
Ruth

2 Comments

• At August 30, 2010, Anita wrote:

  Yes, you'll be fine. Mondays are hard for me too, but I don't have to meet with rooms of kids all day. Think of all the new friends you're going to be making in your classes!

• At August 31, 2010, lori peuterbaugh wrote:

  i feel that way today.... i KNOW how full my week is and then couple that with all the other "life stuff"... but i too will make it and have already prayed that today i would be encouraging and loving to others.

  off to the grind... uh, i mean bookstore!!! love you!!