The Jackson Family Online

Well I can honestly say today is very uneventful…how nice:). Mark is having better days now for probably the next week. Bob went home today. Grandma and my mom come tomorrow on the Amtrak…going through Chicago, pray that they make the change of train o.k. in Chicago:). I get back into going to small group tonight after two weeks off and can’t wait. I really enjoy my group with two other ladies from my church. I need accountability!! The girls are doing well, Lauren is on the Math team at school now and they will be doing a Math competition in April. Only a few kids from each grade were chosen so it is an honor and we are very proud of her. And hey just junk mail today…praise God!

More later,

Ruth

Well…last night Mark came home from the hospital. It’s always nice to get home after a stay at Barnes. Today was a trip to meet the Radiation Doctor. He is ordering for Mark to have another Cat Scan done so that he can determine further the origin of the cancer, etc. It will be nice for us to see how the chemo has changed the tumor already. The radiation will probably start after the surgery at least that is how it looks right now and it will most likely involve six weeks of going everyday over to the hospital for a 20 minute radiation. The reality is we will spend more time driving back and forth than actually having the procedure done. I guess in my mind I had thought that since the cancer is contained that if they took out his lung or a good part of it then it would be like scooping out the whole bad part as well…today I discovered that is not probably going to be the case. Even if Mark has his lung taken out their very well could still be negative markers left and this is where the radiation and more chemo will come in. Really gives us something to look forward to. We had hoped to get away this summer for a little R and R but must say that the whole process of radiation will probably take everyday this summer…we’ll see how it all works out. Anyway, it will be nice to have another cat scan done and again we are confident that between our chemo, surgery and radiation doctors they will come up with the best plan of action. And truthfully, as complicated as it all is at times they are great about answering our questions and explaining terms and stuff to us. The main reason that Mark ended up in the hospital this time was simply from a boil, a normal thing that any person could have at any time that became infected so he has had everything cleaned and cut out and now has to go our family doctor just about daily to have it packed for about a week and then everything should be dandy. I tell you this to show how even the normal stuff people deal with everyday is different when chemo and low immune systems are involved. God is good and hey I’m just rejoicing that today was a day of no medical or other bills. Junk mail doesn’t look so bad to me anymore:).

Just a little advice…if you act like having a lung taken out is no big deal and think you are encouraging Mark…you’re not. It is a big deal and he will readily tell you that you can live with only one leg too so do you want to sign up for that process, and truthfully their is some logic in his argument. Also…I know in this day of technology and internet it is easy to research and question why our doctors are doing things the way they are…for example, why don’t they just go in and do the surgery…etc. but truthfully our doctors are wonderfully bright and respected in their fields and they only have Mark’s best interest in mind…they are working together to come up with the best plan of action. Last…We have no idea when Mark’s cancer started and neither do the doctor’s and we probably never will…definite symptoms started from September on but who knows how long before this time it really started and actually at this point it doesn’t even seem to really matter. Please understand that Mark’s situation is extremely rare and if you are currently throwing up or having other strange symptoms most likely you are not in any danger of having what he has. Mark’s situation happens to less than 1,000 people a year in the United States, which is a pretty small amount. Hope this doesn’t sound harsh but I’ve realized that in the past I think I have asked some pretty dumb questions and made some dumb statements, not even realizing that I did so, I just wanted to clue everybody in, we know you love us and wouldn’t want to fall into these same traps. This is just a way of clearing the air a little.

As always thank you for your love, support and prayers,

Ruth

 

Mark always teases me about the fact that my mind is continually thinking about something, I’m assuming that this is probably a girl thing and often I will ask him what he is thinking about and he will very geniunely say, nothing, which I find hard to believe but probably is true. So today…my mind has been thinking about prayer and the whole issue of healing and what it means. I guess all along Mark and I have never sensed that he was going to suddenly have the mass be gone in a miraculous way, not that we don’t believe that God can do it, He can, but just haven’t heard a clear word from the lord that is the plan. I’ve been so busy getting through the days that I found myself wondering last night how much I have really prayed for Mark, I know the Holy Spirit intercedes when we don’t even know how to put our words into a prayer and that has definitely been going on but really when we say we are praying for others how often do we talk about praying, think about praying and often how little do we actually pray. And yet I know their is power in prayer. I read today about the lady who kept bothering the judge in luke until finally he gave in to her request and I tried to absorb how this relates to my current situation, do I just need to pray more…I guess from the start I have just tried to realize that since I have no idea how everything is going to turn out that I would just submit to whatever happens. And yet I had to run it through my mind today that maybe I’m letting Mark down if I’m not slamming the doors of heaven with my request. As I tried to listen to God today and get a better idea of what Prayer is really all about I was reminded of the Lord’s Prayer. My father who is in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, give me this day my daily bread and forgive me my sins as I forgive those who have sinned against me, lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever. As I thought of that prayer and prayed through it myself making it personal today I again sensed that the results are never the issue, it’s the submission and supplication to get through another day, it’s the praise and desire to walk whatever path God has laid out for us, so while I would love for Mark to suddenly be healed and hope that the chemo process is going great and shrinking it down. WHile I would love for them to take a cat scan and that we could shout it from the mountains that he is healed, ultimately I wonder if more glory will be brought to God through us simply submitting to whatever happens. We sang a song Sunday that declared”Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever” and “you are good all the time, all the time you are good.” It was so good to sing that song at the top of my lungs, it wasn’t a request from me to God for His goodness, it was a declaration of the promise that is already in motion. Trust has always been a hard issue for me but I want to say to all who might read this, through this whole process so far I have sensed an unbelievably how utterly trustworthy God is and maybe that is just as much of a miracle as a healing would be at this point in our journey. Miracles take many forms and I don’t want to ever put God in a box where for it to be a healing or a miracle the results have to be a certain thing.

Hopefully Mark will come home today…so far at this writing we’re not sure but everything looks good for him to.

Love,

RUth

Hi all,

I just got home from Barnes Jewish Hospital where Mark is still staying. I spent the night in one of their lovely recliners again, haven’t quite figured out how to sleep in one of those for very long yet and the killer was that there was an empty bed in Mark’s room all night that was never touched, was so tempting to crawl in and deal with the consequences, but I was good and slept little:). Woke up before six to drive home to get the girls around to go to church this morning. Yesterday the girls had their Young Author Conference, I was so proud of them and took lots of pictures and videotaped for Mark who couldn’t be there. Had a bit of a heartbreaking moment when they each went to a classroom to share about their book after the main session and obviously I could only go with one so Lauren didn’t have a parent with her. She seemed fine with it but afterwards she cried when she told me that she was the only kid in the room who didn’t have a parent with her. My heart broke for her and again we grieved over how cancer has changed our lives. On the way to ice skating I told the girls since I’m always thinking ahead that maybe for their next Young Author book next year they should write a book called “My dad has cancer” and I was so moved when Lauren less than 10 seconds later said no the title should be “My dad had cancer”. Wow! I can’t tell you what an awesome statement that was and is. Especially from Lauren. You see Lauren has always struggled a little with the stories in the bible, Noah, Jonah, etc. even the cross at times. She has asked Jesus into her heart and loves Jesus but she is a thinker and she has often turned to me and said that it seems like some of the stories in the bible are just that stories, but has had a hard time believeing that they “really” happened. So for her to be the one who had the faith to say My dad had cancer was awesome. God is at work. Mark is feeling pretty good in the hospital, eating, resting, etc. Our sweetheart banquet ended up being two hospital trays of food in a hospital room watching Forrest Gump which was nice since Mark had never seen that movie. Cancer has changed our lives. Mark is very concerned about the timing of his surgery. And honestly, so am I since I am trying to balance a limited amount of days off with the reality that my husband is having major surgery. He would actually like to take a little trip with the girls and I before surgery when the chemo is all done and he is having some good days. I am being very very transparent here and I hope you will understand, Mark is dealing with the fear that he might not come through the surgery. Now for some of you I know you may think this overly dramatic or morbid and yet I think it is quite a normal, rational concern. Mark has been in this cycle long enough to feel like it might never end. Me on the other hand I’m looking at it and thinking that maybe in August he will be recovered from his surgery and then before school starts and while I have the days off we could go and do something. Do you see how we deal with bizarre situations all the time. The feeling that we need to live each moment because we don’t know the future and also the reality and practicality of paying bills, keeping the girls in school and normal life stuff. It plays a lot of games with your mind when you try to figure is frugality the most important thing right now or should we focus on making memories, etc. Obviously their needs to be a balance but I’m just trying to give you an example of what it is like on this side. Please pray for the timing of Mark’s surgery to be God’s timing and not ours. And please pray for Mark to be at peace about it and to have a sense that he is going to come out on the other side better for it. If you know Mark you know that he is a pessimist by nature so this is a complete stretch for him to think positive. All of the feelings we are having are normal, we are not insane, at least not yet…just faced with bizarre decisions and feelings everyday. On a positive note…I think I have discovered for myself again that praise is the most healing and releasing thing I can do. WHen I praise God I am amazed at how my perspecitive changes. Our church, The Bridge is fairly radical when it comes to worship compared with most Free Methodist Churches and it has taken me a while to break loose of the mentality of what everyone else thinks if I raise my hands etc. and I can tell you I don’t know myself if some Sunday I might just go all the way and start dancing around the church, that is the overwhelming feeling that I have to praise the Lord, it doesn’t seem good enough anymore to just sit or stand and sing I feel led to have praise involve my whole body. So watch out Bridge, you might have a holy roller on your hands:). And as always I often praise God while I’m driving down the road. Actually I try to praise God with my life in each moment. How could I not praise Him, I have two wonderful, healthy girls, I have friends and family who love me, I have a cozy home and a job that is the best job I have ever had. I have a great church to go to. And I have a husband who loves me, more each day is what he says:). God is good. Sometimes I feel strange writing my life out to you everyday as if I’m the only one who has anything worth sharing when I know that God is at work in all of your lives as well. I wish I knew you all better, wonder at what God is doing in your lives. It is good for Mark and I to see the world outside of ourselves and sickness. It is so easy to become absorbed into it, well frankly it consumes our lives, our time, effort and thoughts, but I know if you each sat down and wrote out a blog everyday you would have a lot to say too. God is counting on us and we are counting on God.

Love,

Ruth

P.S. if all goes well Mark should come home from the hospital tomorrow (Monday).

Tuesday we see the Radiation doctor to see how that plays into this whole process and then Thursday he goes back in to the doctor’s office to see if he is ready for his next round of chemo the following week. Life really is just a circle isn’t it:).

Just wanted to let you know that even though we thought we were through the woods on this round of chemo tonight we discovered that we are not. Mark is back in the hospital, he started running a fever at home, and when it reached 102.5 we knew that he would have to go  in. So his dad took him to the hospital tonight where he will receive IV antibiotics to fight the fever. Some overall disappointment is going around, the girls have a special recognition for writing Young Author books and we were supposed to be there and Mark and girls were sad that will not be able to work out. Instead it will be mom and girls. And for the sixth year in a row we will not make it to the sweetheart banquet at Emmanuel FM, which hey 7 is God’s number so I told Mark maybe our destiny is to go next year instead:), Please pray for Mark, he is discouraged as any of us would be if we were feeling what he is feeling. He struggles with feeling like he can’t be there for the girls. He’s tired of feeling physically terrible and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I do remember that the last time he came home from the hospital he had some good days before his next round so I am encouraged by the fact that probably he will have a good week once he gets through this hospital stay. It’s hard though, I’ll be honest to work all week and then get to the weekend and deal with hospital stays and then have to be ready to go for another week of work as usual. It’s hard on the girls, hard for them to know what normal even looks like anymore. And Mark…well you and I know how we feel when we have just a few days of not feeling good and this is going on over 6 months now. Please pray for him to sense God’s presence in a special way, a way that is undeniably clear, a way that Mark will know how much God loves him and is caring for him. Thanks in advance, and I want to let you know that a week ago I wrote about side effects I struggle with and asked for prayer for myself and Eric Bruder wrote back and said that he would pray for God to increase and I want you to know that I felt that this week. I handled this week better than I thought I would and I do sense that your prayers for me have given me strength and peace. Thank you for holding us up, we need you,

Love,

RUth

O.K. I know I say thank God it’s friday every week but I love Friday nights…the wonderful feeling of having two days before me to enjoy my family and get the house caught up again. I’m one of those nuts who actually enjoys cleaning house:). Today I even had the joy of going to the chiropractor to have my back and neck cracked, that always feels good! Mark had a surprise doctor appointment today with our family doctor, he had something like a boil on his skin and we just have to be sure that he doesn’t get any infection so that was lanced and he will go back in on Sunday to have it lanced again. He has added another antibiotic as well, which involves taking 8 pills a day. So that was his excitement for the day. Thanks to Hillary again for another great meal…well I should say I’m anticipating a great meal in about 10 minutes:)! Bob will probably be going home on Sunday depending on the weather. I guess Michigan is supposed to get some nasty weather this weekend so we’ll see. I guess that is about all for now, going to relax, sit back and watch a movie tonight and then back to the normal stuff tomorrow, piano, ice skating, a Young Author’s conference for the girls and a Sweetheart banquet at Emmanuel Free Methodist tomorrow night. Should be a good day, actually I guess every day is good, it’s all about perspective:)

L,

Ruth

Hi all…

Today was a pretty normal day…not as nice as yesterday weather wise but still pretty good. The big news on my end is that we purchased the new recliner today from JC Penny’s and will have it by next Friday. I picked up Mark for lunch and then we went and tried it out together to see if it would fit us both comfortably. It did and even after we bought it we sat in it for a little while just chilling out. Actually could’ve taken a nap right there in the store except for the fact that I had to get back to school. I took the girls again to the park but it was a little nippy so we didn’t stay too long. Well tonight is again Survivor and American Idol too, so we’ll have an exciting night watching TV:). Another weekend is almost here which is always nice and Bob, Mark’s dad will probably be headed for home sometime this weekend. Mark seems to be on the upswing from his last bout of chemo and will hopefully have a good week or so before the next round. Several people have questioned that if they are going to have to take out Mark’s lung anyway why not do it now rather than put him through the chemo first so in an attempt to address this issue, here is the explanation. The surgeon would strongly prefer to take out as little of Mark’s lung as possible so that is why they are doing the chemo now. It is intense and simply for the purpose of hopefully shrinking the tumor so that maybe some of the lung can be saved. We will have no idea until the end of April whether the chemo has actually shrunk the tumor or not. Yes you can live with only one lung but at the same time we want Mark to have as much of his lungs as possible. Mark’s oncology, surgery and radiation doctors are the top of the best and the hospital he goes to is one of the best in the country so I feel confident he is in good hands…and then their is the God factor:), so who knows what might happen, we are open to miracles. Have a great night,

L,

Ruth

I hope you all enjoyed a beautiful weather day like we had today. It was 60 degrees and sunny. I took the kids to the park to run off some energy after school and it seemed so nice to be hanging out outside again! Today was a pretty normal day around the Jackson household. School for me and the girls and Mark had his blood transfusion done. That seemed to go off without a hitch. Hopefully we will have a couple of non eventful days for the next week or so:). God is good all the time. Happy almost Spring!

Ruth

If you are wanting our current address or phone numbers, please email us at marruth1992@yahoo.com.

 Ruth.

Hi all…

I just wanted to make you aware of the happenings of our day today. First Mark and I met with the surgeon. Even though we knew the surgery was coming it was still a fairly heavy blow to find out that Mark has a pretty strong chance that his whole left lung will have to come out. The tumor that Mark has is very large, very rare and is entangled with his lung making it seem that it will be impossible to just go in and cut it out of the lung. We know that a person can live with only one lung so that is encouraging and in fact Mark is probably operating out of just his right lung at present, however please keep in mind that this is major surgery, involving a cut from the back to the front of his body, taking a rib permanently out, etc. A bit overwhelming for any person let alone a person who has just come through a very intense week of chemo. This was followed up by us going to the other doctor’s office for them to check Mark’s blood counts where we found out that his hemoglobin is low, low enough that he will be receiving two units of blood tomorrow. So again tomorrow Mark and his dad will be making the trek to St. Louis  to sit for 4 hours and receive this blood. This explains why Mark has felt so fatigued. To give you an idea of how fatigued Mark has been he has literally been asleep for the majority of the past four days and nights. And to top it off the medical bills keep coming in, please don’t take this the wrong way, we are trusting God and knowing that he will take care of us but since you are praying and since I believe in the power of prayer I just want to make it clear that Mark needs encouragement and comfort and peace of mind that he is going to come through this on top. The current rounds of chemo are supposed to be hopefully reducing the size of the tumor, we will not know until they do tests at the end of April. With God all things are possible so…we’ll see what happens. Pray for Mark to be able to keep the faith to fight the good fight, he is weary, run down and discouraged at the moment, I think any normal human being would be. I think this is a time when I need to ask you to help him hold his arms up so to speak, and the good thing is that I know you will. Today I am figuratively wrapping a blanket around my family, the blanket that says God is good. I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I’ve committed unto Him against that day. It’s a time when fear, discouragement, fatigue etc. would like to take hold and that is why I feel it is all the more important that we choose to pray, praise and believe that with God all things are possible. Thank you for your love, support and care. I hesitate to do this, I guess because I hate to ask for help but I wanted you to know that I am going to buy a recliner as I talked about in one other day on this blog. One of the few things that Mark can do with the girls right now and feel close to them is to have them sit by him while he watches TV, sleeps etc. in his chair. And I’ll admit, even for myself just having the physical closeness of cuddling seems to be very important for all of us. I think I have found the right chair and have some money to go to it, however if you feel led to help out in this endeavor I would be grateful. Please don’t misunderstand…I just thought I would express the need and leave it at that. Please know that we are trying to live as responsibly with the finances we have as possible and we know that money is tight for everyone…hope that makes sense and I’ll leave it at that.

Love,

Ruth