The Jackson Family Online

Billy Joel has a song that says the words “you may be right I may be crazy but I just might be the lunatic you’re looking for…” Well Mark used to sing those words to me in an affectionate kind of way:)…and maybe I’m crazy but I had a wierd experience today. I was coming home from work to pick up the girls and just feeling tired and lonely. I miss so much being able to come home and talk to Mark about my day…I was telling the Lord again how much I miss Mark and how I just wish their was some way to communicate with him. The next thing I knew their was a turtle crossing the road where I was driving, now this was not out in the country, but in town and this is where it may sound strange…the girls and I have always affectionately called Mark the turtle of our family. When we walked together as a family, I generally led the way the girls were in between and Mark brought up the rear. It worked for us. He enjoyed strolling along at his leisure where I usually walked at a more brisk pace. So when that turtle crossed the road at precisely the moment that I was driving by, and in fact I had taken a different route…I don’t know but it just seemed like a sign. Maybe it was from God, maybe from Mark I don’t know but these days I’ll take anything to sense some kind of connection with him. God knows I need all the signs and help I can get…Anyway just thought I would let you know, truthfully this blog is a way where I still have a place to tell somebody what’s going on in my life. I would hate to think what it would be like to come home everyday and not have any place to release my thoughts and feelings. The girls are great but…they can only handle so much of my wonderings. Hope you had a good day,

Ruth

I was just out running an errand, walking through a parking lot, looked down and saw a dead bird on the pavement…and instantly I thought of the fact that not even a sparrow falls to the ground without God knowing it. It was a powerful reminder to me that although life keeps moving on and we all make adjustments because we have to, Mark’s life and death were always in God’s hand and nothing is beyond His control. I take great comfort in knowing that every detail is ordered by God, nothing is random or a mistake or just coincedence. God is so present.

Ruth

Tonight was small group again for me. I can’t tell you enough how much you need to be part of an accountablity group if you are not in one…If you can’t imagine who you would want to get that close and personal with I would suggest praying about it…their’s got to be someone out there who would benefit from sharing with you and being held accountable.

Imagine a world where everyone knows their worth in God’s eyes. A world where there is no insecurity. A world where their are no misunderstandings and no anger. A world where love is deeply felt by all and peace is beyond understanding. I look forward to heaven…do you?

Love,

Ruth

Lydia and I went to see Lauren in her program tonight…the wierd thing is that we were up front (second row) which are usually seats that everybody wants and we had an empty chair by us…call me wierd but it seemed like the empty chair represented Mark sitting right their with us…she did a good job, thumbs up:), got playing around occasionally a little too much but still did good! I’m sure she is relieved it is done.

Ruth

So…today was back to school. You all know I was dreading it…I don’t know exactly why but was for some reason. Here’s the thing though…as I listened to some awesome praise and worship music this morning on my way to work and then as I walked into the building and felt the love of people in a secular job situation and then sat in front of classrooms of small children who genuinely had missed me and got to talk and sing with them something powerful came over me. I’d call it God’s presence. I had asked God for a glimpse of heaven today…something I seem to be more frequently doing over the past few days and he definitely gave it to me. I found myself looking at my students in a different way, not that I didn’t always want to make a difference in their lives but today I found myself looking at them and realizing that I wanted to make sure that I would help these kids get to heaven along with me. I have this overwhelming sense that my mind is on heaven and at this point I want to make sure everyone I come in contact with is going to go with me. I titled this catch the wave because frankly sometimes I feel like I’ve fallen off of my surf board and am trying to catch my breath between waves to just survive. But today…I felt myself stand up tall and ride the wave with God, I felt like it all came back to me naturally and I felt God’s empowerment and love come over me. I’m probably not explaining it very well but let’s just say I want to keep it going. You know I have always loved the ocean, at least sitting beside it feeling the breeze and mist, soaking in the sun, the big difference for me in life lately is that I’m in the deep part of the ocean and having to sink or swim, to experience the greatest of exhilarations or feel like I can’t take another moment. It’s a whole new world for me. Last night I was reading more in that “Heaven” book by Randy Alcorn and I’m realizing my whole view of heaven is changing…heaven is really the redemption, renewal, etc. of the earth we live on. Everything doesn’t stop at death, it continues on…just in a perfect way. We see glimpses of heaven daily. I remember the time Mark took me to the beach at Lake Michigan just to watch the sunset. Those are glimpses of heaven. Whenever I see those kind of things these days I feel a connection not only with God but with Mark as well. And I guess today for me it was looking at a bunch of K-2nd graders. God is good, He is the orchestrater of every detail and I stand in awe of His plan for my life. Do I miss Mark…every moment of the day. But I eagerly await our reunion…somehow I know it will better than ever! And you know the awesome thing is that when the New Earth comes, the final Heaven he and I will see it at the same time, we all will, so it’s not as if we won’t be sharing that experience together. For now we know in part, then we shall know fully. For a person like me who likes to “know” that is going to be quite the awesome experience. I’m coming to the place where I’m accepting that I’m going to fall off the surfboard from time to time and feel as if I’m gasping for air but that I’ve just got to get back up on it, catch God’s power and lean into Him. Someday Praise God their will be no falling off!

Our God is an awesome God,

Ruth

Hi all,

Well I hope you all had a wonderful day off…the girls and I stayed home for the most part. I unpacked and got us settled back in…grocery shopped etc. Then we tackled the homework, Lauren had somehow forgotten the quantity of homework she had so it ended up being quite an involved process. I can’t wait for summer!! We went and saw Shrek3 tonight which was fairly light hearted and fun, couldn’t believe one scene though…the “king” who is a frog ends up dying and as strange as it sounds the way he dies, kind of coughing and gagging and them thinking he is dead and then he says a few more words and then he finally dies was a little too close to home. We all just kind of looked at each other and I’m pretty sure we were all thinking the same thing. Truly amazing how even when we aren’t expecting it things tend to circle back to Mark…

With all of the events of the past few months, in fact the past year we haven’t been eating the healthiest around here so we have kind of made a resolution (a little late for New Years I know) to get healthy, start excercising and lose some weight. In honesty I would ask for your prayers in this…it has always been a battle for me and Lauren especially but she is definitely at a point where for her self esteem I need to help her in this area and for my own health I need to take better care of myself.

I read through all of the blogs last night in a row from January up until the surgery at the end of March and realized again how totally optimistic I was that Mark was going to pull through. I thought it was going to be a hard struggle and probably long but in the end I thought with chemo, radiation, surgery or just a plain old miracle he would make it. I remember thinking at the time that Mark was just being his natural pessimistic self and probably giving up a little. I now realize in retrospect that he was in the fight of his life and probably fought harder to live than most would have. How some perspective changes it all is amazing. Sometime I’m going to read all of the blog entries from the surgery on somehow I think it will be amazing for me to see how God walked us through that last month together. And you know the amazing thing is that is has been suggested to me that this whole “Book” I’m writing is probably just at the Middle part. I had originally thought that when Mark died that might be the end but I’m realizing that might not be the case. Frankly I’m just calling out to God to complete the story at this point…I have no idea where it will lead and don’t even want to try and figure it out, I’d just like him to lay it all out for me and I think He will.

Tomorrow I go back to school and that is kindof hard. ALthough I saw one of my choir kids tonight at the movies and was reminded that those kids have been missing me and I still have a work to do their. I have no idea of what I’m walking into tomorrow…I really have no lesson plans in mind which is kind of a scary thing but have decided that I’ll just have to wing it. I’m sure I’ll survive and who knows maybe I can do even better than just survive.

Lauren’s program is tomorrow…she has her lines all practiced up, the cowboy outfit out, I’m sure it will be cute. I prayed tonight that God would give Mark a glimpse of it, I just can’t bear to think that he would miss out on the moment. Who knows…

Anyway, I guess that is about all for now, again I hope you all had a good family day. I can’t tell you enough to love one another the way Christ loves…live in peace as much as you can.

Love,

Ruth

The girls and I made it home from Florida today around 1:30pm. I think that we had a pretty good time in Florida…we did some of the usual disney stuff and shopped a little and beached a little. A big thanks to Jean and Stan Whipple down at Lakeland for letting us stay at their retirement home and use their car! And a huge thanks to Larry and Maryanne and family (My sister)…Maryanne joined us on Monday of our vacation and hung out with the girls and I for the rest of the week. I appreciated her family being willing to not have her around for a week and it made our vacation at least 10 times better. Just having another adult eases the stress level of taking on that kind of a vacation, adds some adult conversation for me and gives the kids another adult to be close to. Maryanne brought a lot of much needed laughter to my family this week and I am grateful. I’ll be honest…nothing is the same in my life…I am in awe still everyday how much my life has changed permanently, sometimes I actually think I miss Mark more as the days go by and I’m not sure I could have made it through without her coming and helping me and being willing to listen to me. Lydia put it best…when we said goodbye at the airport we hugged and then the girls and I got back into the car and before we even pulled out of the parking spot Lydia said “I already miss her.” I find myself marking time by how many weeks have passed since Mark died. On Saturday I woke up and couldn’t believe that it had already been three weeks, it still feels like it was just yesterday. I was sick one day over vacation and thankfully Maryanne took the kids swimming, I’m not sure what was going on but I was dizzy, nauseous and just ended up staying in bed for most of the day. I know I probably don’t have a whole lot of rational thought in me but I couldn’t help but weep when I considered how I felt after one day of not feeling well and realized again what the last nine months had been like for Mark. I grieve at the fact that even though I think I gave him the best care I could have I know I had bad days…days when I felt selfish and didn’t understand how truly terrible he felt. I guess it’s just a longing for heaven, I wish I could say that I perfectly loved Mark the whole time I knew him and honestly…obviously I didn’t. Now I know you all are thinking well duh…nobody is perfect. I guess I just have perfectionist leanings and it’s part of the whole draw of heaven for me. While the girls and I waited in the airport before leaving St. Louis for Florida we sat and looked at the pictures we had taken recently on the digital camera, basically they were all pictures of Mark’s last week. Wow what a shocker, even though we had all seen him that week and knew he wasn’t well it was still quite a shock a couple of weeks after his death to see how bad he really was. We all looked at those pictures in silence and fought tears when we were done. I’m glad I took the pictures but wow…their definitely a heavy reminder of how bad it was. Some of you may have been shocked by a picture or two on the funeral slide show, let’s just say the last week’s pictures told the story even in greater perportion. And on the subject of heaven…I’m a little confused…having a hard time understanding what happens and what is experienced in heaven. I have been reading the book recommended to me by several of you entitled “Heaven”. I had been under the assumption that Mark could not be aware of us down here due to the fact that would cause him sorrow and their is no sorrow in heaven…but in this book I am finding that he is using scripture to point out that their is a “temporary heaven” and then a final “heaven” which will be the new earth. In the temporary heaven it seems that Mark may very well have some awareness of what is going on here on earth, the big difference is that he would be able to see it from God’s perspective. The thought that he could actually be interceding on our behalf has been a new thought for me. Then while reading “90 minutes in heaven” I was puzzled by that guys experience when he clearly remembers having no thought of his family or anything on earth at all. However, I consider the fact that he was only in heaven for a few minutes, who knows what he would have experienced if he had actually stayed. I’m guessing that this is stuff you all probably don’t think about or maybe even care about but I find myself trying to understand, I guess I feel like I want to have some comprehension of who Mark is at this point and what might be going through his mind. It all reminds me of when Mark and I went on our Walk to Emmaues weekends…it’s all fairly secretive so I won’t give away any of what happens except that the men go on their walk first. They stay at a retreat center for a Thursday night through a Sunday and then the following weekend the wives go. When Mark came home of course I asked him all about it…to which he said it was fine, didn’t really have a whole lot to say, and I figured it was probably just another normal Christian retreat, which we had done several of over the years. However…when I went on my walk I gradually realized that Mark hadn’t told me what went on on his weekend. I felt kind of betrayed, really no kind of about it, I think I’ve stressed this several times but I was the kind of wife that wanted to know my husband’s heart more deeply than those around him and Mark was the kind of guy that spread himself a little thin in this area from time to time. At the end of the weekend each person tells what they got out of the weekend and I didn’t know this until later but my husband got up and said that he didn’t want to share anything about the weekend until he had time to talk to his wife. Everyone pretty much sat their in shock and said o.k. Now I didnt’ know this until much later but just knowing that Mark held on to the deep matters of his heart to tell me first spoke love to me and somehow even now I want to think that even though he is experiencing heaven without me I want to think that their is part of himself that he is saving to share with me when I arrive. Maybe this doesn’t make any kind of sense and I don’t know what to make of heaven, it seems we try to just make heaven whatever makes us feel better here on earth and I don’t know maybe that is fine…I’m just trying to get the most accurate view of heaven that I can until I’m actually there. It was hard for us coming home today…the last time we went to Florida the girls and I went by ourselves but when we came home Mark picked us up and when we arrived at home the kitchen was redone. We all found ourselves falling into the old mode of thinking that he would be home when we got home, just out of habit. Even on good days and in good moments we find ourselves thinking…that it was good but it would’ve been better if “dad/Mark” was with us. Sometimes I wonder what it will feel like or if it is even possible to have the same kind of good moments we used to have without the bittersweet feelings that come with it. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to handle another relationship/ or even want to…I know it’s early but I’m just expressing the honest feelings I struggle with, how do you start new after giving 21 years to someone…I know it happens everyday but it sure is hard to picture. I looked down at my wedding rings today and wondered at what point if any will I decide it’s o.k. to take them off…I’m not in a hurry, these are just the wonderings of my heart. Father’s day is coming up and frankly I get a huge lump in my throat just even thinking about it. WE were shopping this week and saw all kinds of books about dads and daughters and again I just wanted to cry at the hole in my girls lives. I find myself saying the words over and over “I just don’t know…” about everything. No easy answers…no solutions…just plugging along through the days and feeling good that we made it through another one. This week I go back to school, and I find myself just dreading it. I only have 13 days til summer praise God and I know that once I get back into the swing of it I’ll adjust but I hate to think of getting back into the whole schedule of working/house/kids/etc. I really don’t feel as if I have even had a chance to just take a break and yet they have been so good to me at work I find myself not wanting to take advantage of them and I want to make sure they know I still need and want the job. Of course this is the year that we go halfway into June and start back to school half way through August…ugh!

If I sound depressed…I’m not really at least not overwhelmingly so. I guess it’s just  the constant feeling that this is not a “this too shall pass situation” as most of life is and that hits pretty heavy at times. And frankly I feel like I’m just starting to debrief from the trauma of the past 5 months. When I was actually living through it I didnt’ have time to think or to really realize all that was happening, now as I reflect I’m just taken back by the whole experience. So what now…that’s what I find myself thinking…I’ve got to keep on moving and living, I have two girls counting on me. Please don’t think that I just sit around and brood all day…I’ve never had time to do that…I’ve already looked at this week’s to do list and realize again that it’s huge as usual. I do have a favor to ask…I have had a shed sitting in boxes in my backyard for a week now and need some help in putting it up…if you have time (yeah right, who actually has time on their hands:) and are somewhat handy I would appreciate some help in trying to put it together. I’m sure it is not all that complex but more than I can manage on my own. Again…Lauren has her first program at school on Tuesday night at 7pm and again if you have time…give me a call if you could come and watch it…her speaking part is the very first part of the program, with being away for a week I know she feels a bit out of the loop with the whole thing but I’m sure she’ll do fine. And frankly regardless of the accuracy of it or not if Mark can be aware of anything down here I know he’ll be holding his thumb up in the air for her on  Tuesday night.

I hope you all are having a wonderful Memorial day weekend. and please I beg of you…don’t take anything for granted, soak in your family and realize that most of the stuff that gets us upset with each other is just plain old not important. I have had several of you mention that you might be interested in some of Mark’s books…I will start that process soon so if you have emailed me about it I will get back with you as they are ready to be gone through…it’s good to know that they will be put to good use eventually.

God is close,

Ruth

Well today was another eventful day…I guess they all are:). First stop was to the chiropractor, man did I need a visit in a bad way, nothing like getting everything cracked and put back into place to help with the headaches! My chiropractor told me I need to come back in a week…it seems I’m just a bit tense…:). Made another visit to the eye doctor today to get new eyeglasses…I’ve grown a special attachment to the place it being Mark’s last outing and all. I even caught the curb the same exact way I did the last time I had Mark with me…what a crazy nut I am. Today I also called a friend of Audy and Brian Edwards about possibly publishing some or all of this blog in some form or another, and we had a good talk, and I’m sending the stuff her way soon, who knows…the irony of life, I had been waiting for Lowe’s to deliver the shed I bought yesterday all afternoon and of course right when I was on the phone with Sharon, the publishing person you guessed it that was when the Lowe’s truck pulled up, sometimes you just have to laugh. Lauren’s first school program without dad will be on Tuesday, May29th. She has a small speaking part and is working on the songs, some how she got cast as a boy…not sure how that worked out but anyway she’ll do a fine job. Hate to think of Mark not being their to stick his thumb up in the air for her. Just a thought if any of you local yocals think you could take an hour or so of your life and come out and support her at 7pm on that Tuesday night I would be glad to have a little corner of support for her besides just me and Lydia. Just talk it over with God and see what you think…Today I got a call from Melissa (Mark’s sister) it seems that her husband went into work today only to find out that he is laid off immediately. They are like any other normal young couple and live paycheck to paycheck so I’m asking that you would pray for them…Michigan is not exactly a great hotbed of jobs at the moment. We know God doesn’t make any mistakes and I know that crisis either draws us closer to God or pushes us away. I’m praying that in this time they would feel the love of God’s people and draw closer to God and that God would open a window of opportunity for them. He is able. O.k. here is the miracle of the day, in all honesty miracles happen everyday but most of the time we just don’t notice but today Lauren and I witnessed an incredible moment together. After school the girls and I had a bit of a row…we were having some major attitude issues and probably overtired issues as well. It was one of those moments where I knew if Mark was here all he would have had to do was give a look or say two words and they would have got the hint to buckle under but my life is not quite the same now in that area so…we were headed out to dinner and Lydia wanted to sit in the front seat, it was Lauren’s turn though so Lydia blew up…I ended up telling her to get out of the van and go back into the house until she could come out and have a change of attitude. So she went into the house…the only snag then was that Lauren and I sat in the driveway for a moment and I had to decide what to do next. Should I pull out, drive around the block and give her a little scare, should I just cancel the evening plans, etc. all of these decisions were running through my brain…I ended up praying out loud, I just closed my eyes and told God that without Mark around I needed some extra help on His end, I asked the Holy Spirit to move in Lydia’s heart and bring her to a place where she could have a change of attitude and I kid you not just when I wrapped up the prayer at the same exact moment Lydia was opening the van door and getting in the van. Lauren looked at me and I’m telling you her face glowed, she literally got teary eyed at the fact that God seriously took care of the problem simply because we had prayed. And in my heart I was so grateful that Lauren had witnessed first hand the power of prayer. She turned and said to me “God is good” with all of the genuineness she could muster and I amened her. It actually made me glad we had the struggle and things didn’t go perfectly smooth…and I guess that is how life goes…how would we ever know the greatness of God if we never had to call out to him in desperation and wait for Him to answer. We ended up having an awesome evening together, ate at Steak and Shake (One of Mark’s favorite places) and I took the girls in for a pedicure, had an awesome lady who loved on the girls and took special time with them and the girls smiled and laughed and I watched with incredible joy to see my girls taken care of and enjoying life. God is good!

Quick prayer request…tomorrow I’m not sure if our seats will all be together on the plane or not and we make a switch of planes in Atlanta where we have an hour lay over. I just ask that you would pray that things would go smoothly or at least that in the midst of our adventure we would sense God’s presence through it all. The amazing thing is that I’m learning it’s o.k. if everything isn’t smooth just as long as I can sense God’s presence, some of the bumps of life can actually be very interesting once in awhile:). We should arrive in Orlando by 4:15pm if all goes as planned. I will probably not get a chance to update this blog down there since I don’t know if I’ll have any access to the internet but know that I will give you an update when we return on Sunday, May27th. For those of you who can attend the concert at 3pm at the high school in alton in memory of Mark a big thank you! If you get a Telegraph and see any articles about Mark on Sunday or Monday please keep them for me, since I won’t be home to see them. Thanks!! Love you all,

Ruth

Well yesterday was my bury myself in my house and clean all day kind of day and today was my hit the road and run all day…Started off at the funeral home, always a great way to start the day:). Actually Tyler has been so awesome that it was no big deal, it’s been good to gain a friend out of this whole experience. While I was trying to leave the funeral home the Telegraph called, this is our local paper in the Alton area. They wanted lots of info on Mark and I for an article they are going to run on Sunday. It was a really good conversation, the editor has children himself that are just a little younger than my girls so we talked a lot about how Mark and I coped with everything and what got us through…was so nice to be able to easily and clearly share my faith and to share how Christians come together in a crisis. I’m curious to see the article…The reason why they are writing one is that my school is doing a memorial concert on Sunday at the Alton High School on Humbert Rd. at 3pm and all proceeds will go to help our family. If you are in the area and can swing it into your schedule I’m sure the concert will be good. I regret to say that the girls and I will not be there…I feel a little bad about that but wanted to fly out on Saturday to Florida so that we could have a whole week there. I know the school has invited people from both churches (Emmanuel and The Bridge) to come and if any of you can come I would appreciate it…not for the $$ but just to show support for the school system trying to care for my family. I ended up at Family BOokstore today as well and had an interesting God moment…some would say just coincidence but not me:). I asked for help to get a book off the top shelf and before I could even ask for the title the store clerk looked at me and said the word “heaven”. I tried to decide in my mind if I just looked grief stricken or what but was amazed that he knew exactly what book I wanted. It’s probably a popular book right now but still, I chose to take it as a sign from God that he knows what I need even before I ask. I also purchased a necklace today, now I know the details of my life aren’t probably that exciting but when I saw the necklace rack it reminded me of early gifts from Mark. When we were dating he liked to buy me a necklace for Christmas, they were never expensive but all the same I loved them and wore them until they basically broke off and wore out. So today I decided to buy a necklace with a heart and a cross on it and decided I would wear it like I used to wear the other necklaces Mark has bought me that have long since worn out. After that I went to Heitz Optical and the receptionist and I had a good cry. I know that sounds strange but if you remember…Mark’s last outing was to the eye doctor and I wanted to thank them for the gracious way they treated him that day and to also set up an appointment for myself, like I said in the process we all shed a few tears and honestly I hardly know these people but hey…I didn’t let that stop me:). Then I made the big purchase of the day…I bought a shed, they are delivering it tomorrow, I was hoping it could come assembled or I could pay for someone to do it but no such luck, as I tried to picture myself taking on that project alone…I know that sounds crazy but I’m telling you the thought actually crossed my mind, I talked with Lori Peuterbagh and she said she would make some contacts to have some guys assemble it for me. Just to clue you all in on my thought processes…I hate to ask for people to come and help me with stuff like that, I know how it is you all have your own yard/house work to do and limited amount of time and I don’t want to be the one trying to take up your time. So if you are asked to do something like that for me and you are really in the middle of your own projects…please just say so I am a firm believer in the fact that your wives priorities should be met before mine. Hope that all makes sense. After a trip to Walmart, my next stop was to goodwill, I was looking for a small chair for my bedroom, I didn’t find one but after coming to the door realized I was a bit terrified to even go in, dawned on me that I might see all of Mark’s clothes for sale, they’re just clothes but all the same I tried to just go in look where I needed to and go out. In the process God gave me the opportunity to bless a stranger’s life…I don’t know her story but she seemed to have a need and I felt a nudge and decided to go for it and was glad I did. Man do I want God to know that He can trust me to obey in all situations at all times. I worked a little more on Mark’s Memorial Garden (That’s what we are calling our flower garden in the backyard), added a bunch of mulch to it, the girls would like to have a stone printed up with some special message about their dad. I’m not sure where they do that kind of thing but if you know of a place that will let you put in your own words on a garden stone let me know so that I can get that done for the girls.All in all it was a good day, I did the normal crying while driving, that seems to be where it all hits me for some reason, laughed with the girls at dinner and finished out the day watching The Nativity with the girls. Hope you all had a good day! God is good!

Ruth

I wanted to just put this out there…I have a ton of books and resources that Mark has gathered over the past 15 years relating to ministry and faith…if you know of anyone who is just starting out and needs materials to add to their library, or if you know of a church that has a library that could use some books, or anybody is just interested in taking a look please let me know. Mark loved books and I do too but…I would like to see them put to good use. Just drop me a line at marruth1992@yahoo.com if you are interested or know of somebody who would be…Thanks,

Ruth