The Jackson Family Online

Today was a great day at church. Pretty humorous really:)…we had planned a water fun day at church and it rained the entire time. But I love the fact that we still went ahead and did the day as planned…says a lot about a church and the family of God that I am most connected with when against all odds we push forward. Pastor Ben’s message was all about how Good God is and totally resonated with my heart. The worship was awesome, I literally had a moment when I could totally picture Mark playing the bass guitar in heaven and he was awesome at it:). I don’t know how much they can see of us down here…that seems open to debate but I sense in my spirit that the more I can see things from God’s perspective the closer I can be to both God and Mark. And here’s an odd moment today…I had forgot to bring the girls towels today…oops! But had totally forgotten that months ago, maybe even a year ago Mark had brought in extra towels for baptism services so they were exactly where we needed them at exactly the right time. I can’t tell you how many moments I have had that he still continues to take care of us when I least expect it. The dunk tank was loads of fun and Pastor Ben, Pastor Scot and Pastor Amy had to have earned a few crowns in heaven today for being dunked repeatedly and staying pleasant the whole time. I love seeing pastors who can play, aren’t afraid to get wet, and move forward regardless of how they may be feeling or regardless of discouraging weather. If you’re not tied into a church yet I would highly recommend becoming part of THe Bridge.

While we were singing this morning I realized that I hadn’t thought of God as my Redeemer in awhile. God is so multifaceted it’s amazing how he can meet every need we have. Today and for the past few weeks I realize that I need God to be my Redeemer. Life isn’t perfect (news flash right:), and when you have someone close to you die it’s easy to look back and beat yourself up about the fact that everything wasn’t perfect. When I was singing today and thinking about Him being my Redeemer it dawned on me that He can and does redeem my mistakes, what a relief to know that just as I can “fix” things up for my kids He can and does “Fix” and cover over with love the mistakes I have made.

Tomorrow the girls and I are headed on our first semi-solo vacation. We are headed to Indianapolis tomorrow night, hitting the children’s museum in Indy on Tuesday and then headed over to Cincinnati on Tuesday night to go to Kings Island on Wednesday and Thursday. Then we are going to a state park not far from there to meet up with college friends for our annual H.C. reunion weekend. Sunday when we leave their we are headed back to Cincinnati to take in an Aquarium in Newport KY on Monday and then back through Indy to get back on Tuesday. I’ve made reservations, printed off maps to everything and think we are good to go. Please pray that we will have safe travel, make good memories, and enjoy a little time away. So…I will not be blogging again until probably next Tuesday night. Be ware I’m sure by then I will have stored up quite a bit in my head to write:). Hope you all have an awesome week. Thank you for your comments, your willingness to help, and your love. Big thanks to our neighbor Richard for taking care of the cats and mail:) and Lori P. for watering the plants.

Let God be the lifter of your head…look up from the daily and see the face of God, He’s closer than we realize,

Love,

Ruth

Life is pretty amazing at times…we haven’t had hardly any rain for a long time, in fact I have wished for rain so my outside stuff wouldn’t wither away in the heat and then we choose to go to Raging Rivers today and get rained out…oh the irony:). Actually it’s all good, we enjoyed a fun 3 hours at the park and got rain checks to go back on a whole different day for free so hey that works:).

Ran into Mike and Bobbie Aiden at Lowe’s today while buying lots of white rock, I had been waiting for someone to come and help me get it into the car and it was taking longer than I would have liked so I started putting it into the car myself…but they came along, I stopped and visited and the store helper came and loaded my car for me. So thanks to that visit I saved some serious wear and tear on my own back and received the blessing of friendship and practical help. God is good.

Hard moment today…would have to be the fact that lately when I go to hug a guy at church or wherever as friends I notice that my chin has a way of bumping into their shoulder bone and it’s awkward at times. I’ve discovered again that I underestimated how much I truly knew Mark and he knew me. I don’t remember ever having that happen between he and I. We just knew where to lean and hold when we hugged. I know this observation sounds strange but it’s true and today I craved a hug from him in a huge way. If I stop and close my eyes and have no distractions I can use my mind to imagine what it feels like again and picture it in my brain but I swear I would pay big money or make great sacrifices to feel his arms around me one more time. If that’s more than you wanted to know I apologize but that’s where I am today.

Been reading a book by Randy Alcorn, a fiction book called “Safely home”. It’s all about the church in China and how the Christians their experience great persecution for their faith, something that is truly hard for us to even comprehend. He keeps repeating a line in the book about how “real gold fears no fire”. I find that the more we experience of life we find that ultimately whatever we may lose or go through here on this earth we can honestly still be at peace and have faith and confidence that God is in control. I pray that my faith and who I am are “real gold.” I wonder what Mark is doing today in heaven. I can see him making new friends, playing just about any instrument in praise music, laughing, telling jokes, teaching some kind of class or lesson, enjoying his grandpa and my grandma, playing some serious basketball, and all without any frustration, failure, anger, insecurity, pain, rejection, sadness, etc. I find myself always circling back to the fact that I love Mark enough that truthfully their is no reason good enough that I would want to call him back from where he is. I miss him all the time but all I can do is press forward. When I look back too much then I start feeling the pain of not having a perfect marriage, the pain of this world’s imperfections and frustrations, but when I focus my thoughts on eternity and living to the full even now I find myself knowing that even though Mark is probably in heaven many years before I will be, it’s not as if the relationship between us is growing further apart everyday. No I don’t think we will have the same experiences as a married couple that we had here but somehow, someway I imagine that our love for each other and for God and others will be multiplied unbelievably and even our best moments here on this earth will pale in comparison. So…I have to keep the faith, rejoice for the good times, and know that this is not the end.

Love,

Ruth 

 

Hey all…we’re headed to Raging Rivers tomorrow (Saturday) from 10:30-7:00pm. If you would like to join us we would be happy to play and sun with you. Tonight we did something I have wanted to do for the past six years we have lived here…we took our bikes and rode on the river bike path and it was great!! We rode about 4 miles tonight, will probably try to work up to 6-8 miles soon. I’m loving having the bike carrier!! Hope you had a good Friday and enjoy your weekend.

Ruth

Today I received a beautiful card from the Linke family. The verse on the front read “I am the Lord they God which leadeth thee.” Isaiah 48:17. It’s not a verse I remember reading before but so fitting for my needs for today. Then on the inside the writing read “I was thinking of you today and praying that God would continue to lead you, nurturing you with vision and boldness to grow into the future He has planned for you. In truth I couldn’t have wrote out a more fitting prayer request if I had tried. I want to be led by God to see with His eyes to embark on each new day and each new challenge with boldness and to become all that He wants me to be and praise God it’s already planned out. Thank you Linke family for giving me a word from the Lord today. Please know that just as you may be blessed by this blog or whatever else you receive from me I am blessed by your comments, cards, prayers, etc. God speaks through His people. Today we made a quick run over to Belfor, Mark’s old place of employment, had to drop off a few things I had found at the house. Always good to see them again even for a few brief moments. I had plenty of time to think in the car which is always something I treasure since the girls were wrapped up in a DVD in the back seat. And this is how crazy I am…I actually had on my mind today what I would want to write for a Christmas Letter to each of you at the end of the year…thinking through how I would sum up the year, etc. what pictures I would use and so on. I know that sounds bizarre when it’s June 22 and the weather is 95 degrees out but you know what hooked me was simply the fact that I can’t wait to praise God and honor God through what He has done through this year. I can’t get over the fact that in experiencing a great loss I feel closer to God than ever before and I feel His comfort in ways I have never felt before. I anticipate six months in advance being able to praise God and tell of His goodness…not that we can’t do it everyday and I do but I guess I just anticipate all of the great things that are still going to happen this year that I will be able to sing and declare the Lord’s faithfulness to me and my girls. Anyone else have Christmas Letters on their mind:)!?! Didn’t think so…I guess we’re all unique right?

Love,

Ruth

Well today was one of those days where you have a lot of small events and situations that can be looked at either in a positive light or a negative…actually that probably describes a normal day in life but for some reason it stood out to me more today. Started off this morning when I didn’t have a vehicle to get Lydia to her dentist appointment. I had hoped that our car would be ready by last night or early this morning so that wouldn’t be a problem but low and behold the situation presented us with a much more memorable experience…the girls and I ended up riding our bikes to the dentist office. Then of course I have the snag where when I need to pick up my vehicle from being finished off I needed to find someone who isn’t working and also has the time to take a couple of hours out of their life to drive me to pick up my car. My old neighbor Idona was the transportion angel today and I was very appreciative, I love Idona but she would even tell you her vision is not quite what it used to be and we ended up going down 255 today at 45 miles an hour with traffic zooming by on both sides:)…and again it’s all about perspective I had plenty of time to catch up on everything going on in her life and we were able to have a nice lunch out which I think was an encouragement to her and met my practical needs as well. Then as I picked up our car…I was having some problems getting a few things figured out, my car has lots of buttons as most new cars do and also has a locking gas cap, I decided to fill it up a little ways down the road only to find that I couldn’t get the key to work in the gas cap to allow me to get the gas…so I became acquainted with the wonderfully patient and kind service guy named Eric at the Saturn dealership. I felt like a complete moron but thankfully he was merciful and didn’t laugh…well maybe after we left but at least not in my face:). Then we trucked our way back home to run two hours worth of errands. I had the complication of paying for my health insurance out of my own pocket for the next two months since I had to take so many dock days while Mark was sick…so I went to the office to do just that and the lady was seeing someone else and waved me off assuring me that she knew I would be good for it and would cover me without seeing the cash up front. Again I marveled at how right Kathy is in her job, I mean how many health insurance people do you know that exude peace and kindess, so even though I didn’t get that errand done it is good to know again what a wonderful job I have and what wonderful people I work with. Next I ran to Office Depot where I was  having some pictures duplicated…they ended up being the wrong size meaning that I had to come back later however I ended up with some extra free pictures due to their mistake so…it’s all good. I also hit the bank, post office, insurance office, and lawyer to pick up my final copy of the will I made this week and the girls were beautifully calm with the new dvd player running the whole time…I’ve already decided that this will be considered a necessity item in any vehicle I get from now on. We ended the errands by stopping at Dairy Queen which is always a nice way to spend a hot afternoon. We had an awesome time at Lori P.’s house. Was so nice to just relax, swim and talk about whatever, so good that believe it or not the kids were still in the pool at 11:30pm…oops! Well it is summer so…I guess that’s fine. I’m looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. All in all today was again a powerful reminder to me that the same circumstances can happen to two different people and each person can have a totally different response. I want to be the person who sees God in everything and sees the positive. I don’t want to spend anytime getting frustrated and angry over situations that I have no control over. All in all it was a good day, and I believe that in the ordinaryness of life we develop the character and trust that will get us through in the big moments of life. Hope you had a good day…look at the events of the day and realize that the pros and cons can go either way and know that you have the power with God’s help just like I do to choose to believe that God is working all things for your good as He is in my life.

Love,

Ruth

Today was a stay at home day since we have our vehicle in having a few things installed. So…we cleaned and rode our bikes, played in the sprinkler, watched a movie and enjoyed our day at home. I also set up a company and time for our windows and storm doors to be replaced. That should really help our house efficiency since we live in a very old home with the original windows. Good to know that is taken care of! Today I wrote an article for the Huntington College Alumni Magazine to tell about Mark with his picture that should be included in the winter magazine as far as I know. Mark sure loved his college years!! I witnessed the before college Mark, during college and after college Mark and Huntington had a huge impact on who Mark was as an adult. Anyway…hope you all had a great day. Tomorrow we are off to the dentist for Lydia’s cracked tooth…and later over to Peuterbaghs for a swim…looking forward to it already.

Love,

Ruth

Today Pastor Ben gave me a devotional book that has already started to mean a lot to me. He had given me one earlier that was meant for the caregiver and dealt with those situations and emotions and the most recent one is about grief. The first sentence got me immediately when it said “the Valley of the Shadow of Death does not end when your loved one goes home.” How true! And the day entitled Thank God for Grief is good enough that I want to post it here…I did not write this, it is written by a man named Charles Shepson.

…”for all things give thanks to God…” 1 Thess 5:18

Really? Really? How can God expect me to thank Him for grief? It is such a painful thing. I have not been able to say, “I thank you, Lord, for how deeply I am grieving.” That seems so unnatural, and altogether too “spiritual” to be a down-to-earth, real-life, sincere prayer of thanksgiving. I should have said, “I have not been able to say…until tonight!? I have just had a conversation that has made it painful, but actually possible to say those words to my Heavenly Father and say them most sincerely. My friend said to me, “I can’t put myself in your shoes. I haven’t gone down the path you are walking. I can’t grasp the feeling, the loneliness, the grief. I still have my wife. But I do go my own lonely way. I do know what loneliness is, even though my wife is still living! Even if God should take her from me, I still wouldn’t be able to put myself wholly in your shoes.” I knew exactly what he meant, for I know that though he has been so faithful and loving to her, she has not responded to him the same way. Suddenly I found myself thanking God, not only for my grieving, but also for the depth of it! I am glad that our relationship was so precious that the pain of separation is excruciating. I have so many beautiful memories that can never be taken from me. Oh, thank You that I am grieving as I am. Even for this, I can give thanks. For everything I can give thanks, not just in everything. So deeply I appreciate this new insight that You have brought to me. Now, …let me use  my tears well, by praising You for the happy memories instead of pining in my loneliness; by reliving the happy years instead of resenting the present pain; by welling up in praise instead of wallowing in self-pity; by not letting my trial overwhelm, but rather letting my trust overflow. Yes, I will give thanks, …even for my grief!

It’s amazing how many times lately I have just sensed that Mark if possible is cheering me on, thrilled that the girls and are alright and making it, in fact that we are still living the abundant life the best that we can. So many times lately I have sensed his thumbs up in the air saying “atta girl Ruth”. I am deeply grateful that Mark and I’s relationship was real and honest to the core, warts and all. I am learning to understand that the hard days, the days when we weren’t on the same page were still good days. Our relationship was worth fighting for, worth hanging on to and the good and bad, the up and down just made the relationship richer. My only regret is that I wish I could have understood that years ago. But I guess that’s just the nature of life.

Tonight was small group which is always good. I love my friends Amy and Hillary to the core. I’ve never had two women that I could share so deeply with before in my life on a regular basis and of all the years for this to work out I have to praise God that He knew what I needed before I did in setting up our accountability group last October. His timing is perfect!

Tomorrow my new adventure is having Pella come in to give me a price on what it would cost to replace our windows…for some I know this would be no big deal but this is all new for me. I’m finding that through the counsel of good friends and family and through God’s interventions all things are working for my good. And I have to tell you I love God more today than I did yesterday and somehow I know I’ll even love him more tomorrow…if that isn’t a miracle I don’t know what is:).

Have a great day,

Ruth

 

Well gotta tell you I’m feeling a bit sore today…I got another crazy idea in my head, well it just kind of happened without me even planning on it, I was cleaning the girls room and doing some rearranging when I realized that the floor under the carpeting was not in too bad of shape and it is hard wood floor. Well we have been having a little problem lately with the girls room smelling catty, not sure if the cats have done something in there are what so…the next thing you know I was pulling out the carpet, the biggest snag was that I didn’t empty the room before taking on this process. So for a while I was a bit buried in clothes, books, stuffed animals, etc. But after a long day their room looks great and they seem to be happy with it and it even smells alright. Now about the rest of the house…well it’s a disaster but sometimes you have to enjoy the small progress along the way:). Today I also went and got my will redone, it’s just good to know that those details are taken care of. We got some much needed rain today which was nice. Tomorrow Lauren gets her fifth grade physical done…I think she gets a shot should be exciting. Hope your monday went well!

Ruth

Today went amazingly better than I thought it would…might be because of all of your prayers. We went to church, out to eat with friends and swimming at a friends house. Then came home and relaxed for the night. I had the girls purchase special notebooks/journals today for the reason that we are going to make them our Dear Dad books. What I mean is that on special occasions or just whenever we want to we can write a letter to Dad…one of the things I learned over the weekend is that even if he can’t necessarily respond it is still really helpful for us to get our feelings out on paper and use the most senses we can, the touch of the pen, visually seeing the words/pictures, hearing them read out loud, etc. So tonight we all sat in a quiet place and wrote to Mark for the first time and then read out loud to each other…I think this will be a notebook/journal that over time the girls will treasure for a life time. This morning chuck miller spoke about dads and he brought out that dad’s are often watched very closely because they tend to be very nonverbal. I know this was true of Mark, the three of us tended to pay close attention to any body language, etc. to get an idea of what Mark was feeling. Most of what our kids learn is caught rather than taught. Also he pointed out the security a dad brings, I can testify to this firsthand. Yes we’ve made it through and I keep moving forward taking on new challenges and areas than I have ever taken on before but the girls definitely miss the safety and security of having a dad present. I miss it too. It’s becoming more and more obvious to me how much Lauren misses playing, teasing, etc. with dad…thankfully some of the men in our church when they play with their own kids are including her for which I am grateful. Lydia’s heart is very tender…I think she just misses sitting close with dad, feeling him cuddle with her. I could have really used a Mark hug today myself but I am thankful that we made it through the day and with success I think:). Tomorrow I’m going in to the lawyer to have our papers redrawn up for if anything happened to me, etc. For all of you parents out their I know that is the kind of thing that is easy to put off but…a tid bit of advice…don’t you never know. Thank you to those of you who sent emails, called, etc. to encourage us through out the day. It’s good to know that over six weeks later people still think of us and care. I know how life is and how busy you all are and am grateful that you would take the time to encourage us. Have a great week,

P.S. My sister-in-law Amy Dennings is having cancer related surgery in July and I would appreciate your prayers for her and her family. She’s been dealing with ovarian cancer now for around 4 years and I’m sure could use your encouragement, cards, prayers, etc. She has done amazingly well but no doubt her and Jim have concerns. I pray that you all will hold her and Jim up during this time however you feeling God is leading you.

Love,

Ruth

Hi all…

Well Women of Faith was really good, the music was good, the speakers, and the friends that I went with. All in all I laughed a lot, cried a lot and thought some new thoughts which is good. This morning as we walked to the Scot Trade center we had to walk through the mass of people down in St. Louis for the Race for the Cure run supporting cancer research. That was pretty emotional…as I looked at the people wearing survivor shirts, it was good to know that their are survivors, and I saw many people running the race to honor the memory of their loved ones. So my friends Hillary and Amy and I decided that next year we would be in the race, we have a year to get in shape to be able to do it and if you live in the area we would love to have you join us, I think it’s mostly focused on breast cancer but even so I think it would probably be a good cause and personally healing to be a part of the mass who have had cancer touch their lives. So…you have a year to get in shape enough to be able to do it…join us, come one come all…

I had to think Mark was giving me two thumbs up for going to Women of Faith. Normally that’s the kind of stuff that I wouldn’t do unless prodded by Mark, but this year I actually intitiated going and asked my two friends to go with me. Pretty big stuff for me:)!! Well tomorrow is Father’s day…I’ve decided to get each of the girls a notebook or journal tomorrow and start having them write to dad on special occasions or just anytime they want to. It will be something they can hold on their whole lives and give them a place to write out their feelings. Besides that, well I need to water the plants again…does it ever rain anymore that’s what I want to know:). And I need to clean house…it’s amazing how you clean and then turn around and have to clean again:). This week is a week of appointments for us, doctor appointments, dentist, lawyer, windows, etc. Trying to get everything under some form of control before we head out on a vacation just the three of us in a week. Hope you all are having a good weekend and happy Father’s day to all of you. Hey dad’s just a nagging from Ruth…you have no idea how much you make a difference in your kids life, especially your daughter’s…don’t take a moment for granted…and be tender with her heart…please:)!!

A big thanks to Pastor Scot Stanifer for stepping in and filling in for my girls and me this weekend by watching them while I went to Women of Faith.

Love,

Ruth