The Jackson Family Online

For some reason whenever we go an amusement park I can always know that I will especially feel the loss with not having Mark with us…I’m not sure why that is but I find it to be one of the loneliest experiences for me, the irony is all the people surrounding you all day you would think you wouldn’t be lonely but it’s a tough kind of day for me. I probably wouldn’t go anymore except that the girls are just at the right age where they love to go and ride the rides and Lauren is such a huge rollarcoaster fan so…anyway we were doing pretty good today, decided to go for all of the get wet rides first thing so our clothes would have time to dry. We were going down the Thunder River ride which is basically a big intertube that takes you down a river where every person ends up completely soaked, having a pretty good time, laughing with strangers, etc. when all of a sudden I see Lauren tear up and I could tell it was tears from a deep place…when I asked her what was wrong she said she had just seen a man whose face looked like dad’s and for a moment she thought it was him. So here we are in a boat with strangers who have no idea what’s going on and Lauren is sobbing from the depths of her soul and I’m trying to comfort her but truthfully what do I have to offer in those moments…I know I could say trite things but truthfully I can’t fix it in anyway, and frankly I don’t use this word often but it sucks that it’s never going to change. (Hope you’re not offended…just wanted to convey the frustration that I really feel.) So we hugged, cried and Lydia asked to go ride another ride while we had our moment…such a tender heart Lydia has:). I’ve had the same experience often, seeing someone who has the same build as Mark, wears something familiar, says something I remember, etc. The mind…it’s a crazy thing what it can do to a person…and it’s been almost three months already. Lydia commented today that it still seems like it was just yesterday. I know people say things will get better with time and yet I find little comfort in that statement…what does that mean that in time we’ll forget what it was like to have Mark around, that in time our lives will move on enough that the hole he left won’t seem so deep, I already find myself clinging to memories of Mark, the girls and I don’t want to forget, if things get better in time simply because our memory will be dulled I dread that happening. The next ride we went on was one that Lydia and I talked Lauren into riding since Lydia doesn’t have her riding buddy anymore I try to step out once in awhile and ride a few rides with her to try to ease the loss…Lauren was fretting the whole time in line, basically working herself up to a panic attack…we went to get on the car and her flip flop dropped through the crack between the car and the platform down to the cement below. I could see the flip flop but of course was not allowed to go down and get it. So not only was she traumatized about the ride but now was traumatized about the flip flop. (Maryanne if you’re reading this you can now add this to the list of stories about Lauren and flip flops:). Praise God that near the ride was a store where I could pick up some more flip flops for Lauren since the black top was burning hot. But by this time Lauren was feeling pretty upset at herself, so we went back on thunder river got soaked one more time and it seemed to help:). For some reason when I’m standing in line I guess their is just so much time to look around at other people and it seems like everyone is coupled up, I know they all aren’t but it just feels that way. Today I’m just going to tell you I would have loved to have been able to just lean back into Mark and feel his strength like I could see so many other couples doing. It’s the little touches that get me, the couple walking hand in hand, the wife leaning back into her husband, his arms around her, the whisper in an ear, the knowing look between couples that communicates more than words. I just felt desperately alone today and again cry out to God. I can’t believe that this is my life. Somehow I know Mark’s not just sitting around in heaven missing me, and it’s not that I’m just sitting around here either but their are moments when it seems so unfair that I’m the one left here to constantly miss him for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong…I love my girls and want to be there for them and am grateful to be here for them but while Mark’s doing whatever he does up in heaven, catching up with Paul, John the Baptist, Jesus, and countless other amazing people I’m here living out the day to day earthly life. I wish I knew that he was a desperate to see me as I am to see him.  And truthfully I can’t believe that I’m typing this onto a screen on a computer to only God knows who but I guess that’s just another sign of how desperate I am. I apologize if this seems incredibly depressing, selfish, etc. I guess tonight is just one of those nights where I’m having a hard time breathing and feeling like I’m being pulled under, I’m sure after some sleep I’ll bounce back at least for a little while. Sometimes I just want to pack my bags (figuratively) and say o.k. I’m ready to go now…that’s not quite how it works but definitely I often feel that way. With God’s help by tomorrow morning I’ll adjust…refocus and seek to do whatever it is He has left me here to do. I appreciate your prayers.

Ruth

One of the strangest/hardest things I’ve been dealing with lately is my dream world. I know that sounds odd but I can’t tell you how many times I have either just plain wierd dreams or dreams where Mark is still alive and I wake up to once again remember he’s gone. There’s nothing like repeatedly experiencing fresh loss to mess up my mind. Last night I actually woke up and could picture his shadow sitting on the edge of the bed in a familiar pose…seemed real enough I had to remind myself I’m alone. You know I know that Mark and I will have a relationship in heaven that’s close, even though there is no marriage but I guess it’s hard at times realizing that the couples I see around me will have so many more memories and years to draw from for eternity. As Mark would say it’s always a question of quantity vs. quality (These were his favorite Rook terms). I guess God has made the decision for us.  Hope your Monday is great…we’re running around doing errands today, laundry and packing for our CHicago trip. It probably sounds like we go a lot and truthfully we probably do but actually we did a lot of that even when Mark was alive. With having summers off I try to fit in every possible thing we can…sometimes too much probably:). I have to remind myself to sit down and just relax and feel the breeze. It’s getting a little easier now that we have a couch on our front porch:). Lydia wakes up most mornings with listening to her MP3 player and rocking on the porch, she’s starting to sing along more and more, I love listening to her when she doesn’t know anyone is listening:). Lauren is continuing to research amusement parks and water parks:). If you’ve talked to Lauren lately you’ll know that she is an encyclopedia on the subject. A big thanks to Cassie from church for painting the girls door in rainbow colors, they actually have a real piece of art work in their room, what a gift! And again I’m happy I opted for the space in my new car after carrying a door home from church yesterday! By the way as always the service at The Bridge lifted me up, Pastor Scott preached on anger and really focused on Job which was interesting since I’ve been reading Job already. So…here goes another day…

One more thought…you know people say all the time “let’s do lunch” but I’m finding more and more as Pastor Scott mentioned yesterday at church we need people in our lives to “do life” with us all along the way. I am so grateful to have people to “do life” with!

Have a great one,

Ruth

I’m reading another great book at the moment called “A New Kind of Normal” by Carol Kent, it’s a follow up book to “Laying my Isaac Down”. Last night I was reading the chapter entitled Holding on to Hope and here are some great quotes

“The supreme challenge to anyone facing catastrophic loss involves facing the darkness of the loss on the one hand and learning to live with renewed vitality and gratitude on the other. Loss can diminish us, but it can also expand us…loss can function as a catalyst to transform us.”

She then continues on to tell about how her husband was having a hard time going back to places where he and his son had made good memories and knew they would never have that opportunity again and she says…”You have to force yourself to do what you love to do, whether or not _____________is with you. Don’t you see that the attitude of hopelessness you are allowing to wipe out your joy is exactly how the enemy intends to destroy you? He wants you to think you will never be happy again if things aren’t like they once were. He wants you to be depressed when you __________________________. He wants to gnaw at your emotions make your memories of happier times better than they actually were, and make you believe you can never enjoy a sunset, an adventure, etc. if your _____________isn’t at your side. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. _____________________get over it!”

She then goes on to talk about the power of gratitude and refers to the story of Paul and Silas in Jail praising God and having their chains fall off. “When I give myself to acknowledging the mighty sovereign God of the universe in the midst of my great struggles and heartaches, I not only begin a process of release for my own heavy heart, but I also influence others who are in chains to lift their eyes heavenward, setting them free, as well.”

Sometimes to me what I’m experiencing is a very lonely experience, and then I read a book like this and realize I’m not alone, last night I cried as I read this chapter just rejoicing that someone else can so thoroughly relate to the emotions going through me, I’m grateful today that I am becoming more like Jesus everyday as I walk through not around, over, or under my loss. Going back to Michigan brought up memories of Mark and I, dating, early marriage, ministry, babies, etc. It hit me harder than I had anticipated but I’m thankful I went. I want to remember and yet I want to keep living, keep making new memories as well. Lauren and I picked out some new Christmas ornaments for our home this year at Bronners in Frankenmuth and I found myself picking some to remember…and I also found myself finding some decorations that represent who we are as a family now…it’s a tough balance, holding on to the past and yet living the life we have today. I found a rare set of three snowmen that I really feel represents who Lauren Lydia and I are today. We are still a family…I guess I just need to remind myself of that once in awhile.
Have a great Sunday…I’ll be in my yard sweating it out:) After going to church this morning.

Love,

Ruth

 

Hi again…it’s me.

Well we had a great two weeks in Michigan and did multiple activites and saw a ton of family and friends. If I missed seeing you in Michigan I apologize…even with two weeks it seemed like time got away from us fast. We stayed most nights at my mom and dad’s house as a base but took in lots of time with Mark’s family as well. Some highlights…Lauren, myself, Martha (Mark’s mom) and Sadie (Lauren’s cousin) went for two nights to Frankenmuth and took in a hotel with an inside water park along with some fun shopping and even a laser light show:). Lydia, myself, my sister Sue and her baby took in a couple of nights in Detroit to take Kendra on her first ever swim and a visit to Greenfield Village (a town set in the 1800’s). She even had her first walk out in the rain I think:). We also had fun at Covenant Hills Camp, the kids loved playing with all of their cousins and swimming at the beach. Lydia attended Horse camp and loved it. Lauren attend a junior camp for a week and thought it was alright…I think next year the kids will either go to the same camp together or I’m giving them the option to opt out of camp to spend more time with family…so we’ll see what they choose. I enjoyed family camp at The Hills. Not that I stayed in a trailor or anything…:) but I enjoyed seeing some old friends and enjoyed the evening services, always good to think new thoughts. I felt like I had a good opportunity to talk one on one with most of my brothers and sisters along with Mark’s brother and sister which was awesome. I feel like I can pray for them more passionately and powerfully than before this two weeks! My sister in law Amy had her cancer surgery, they were not able to get all of it out like we had hoped but still seem optimistic. She will start experimental treatment at Ann Arbor soon and will go back their every two weeks to receive this treatment to prevent further new cancer from developing, she may end up having another surgery in a year or two to again take out what they can, so…we keep praying, hoping and waiting:). I visited her in the hospital and I was so happy to see her smiling face and she seemed to be doing really well. Keep praying for her. In talking with my brother, Jim, Amy’s husband I feel my heart being tugged to do some serious praying for him…he seemed tired, worn out, exhausted (well I guess you get the point) but my heart relates to his position and I pray God especially refreshes his spirit and provides for all of their needs. God is good!

Well…I’ve had a lot of time to think, long 10 hour drives, etc. And these are some of my thoughts in no particular order:). I’ve been thinking about the whole issue of “weakness”. As I look back at my caregiving days for Mark I am frequently in awe of how weak I know I am in the area of caregiving and yet how awesomely God was able to be honored and glorified through me experiencing that. I honestly know that in my life rarely have I experienced that kind of pure love for another where nothing is expected in return and where normal activities that could be seen purely as duties were an act of worship. Mark was having a hard time in the last weeks and months hearing from God and yet I believe that through me simply loving him and taking care of him unselfishly I was able to be God’s hands and feet. I guess this is all going through my mind because I have witnessed in the church on a multitude of levels the great focus on finding our spiritual gifts, our strengths, areas of greatest ministry, etc. I have taken tests, listened to seminars and sermons on the subject. And truthfully…I’m in serious question as to how much we focus on our strengths and gifts. Now I know that God does give us gifts and talents obviously and those areas do bring fulfillment and joy but I have to tell you I can honestly say I have never felt the power and presence of God as much as I did in serving another out of my weakness, knowing that anything good had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God and I can honestly say that time in my life was used as an incredible testimony to God’s greatness. So…why is it that at church people constantly use the excuse that they aren’t gifted in ceratin areas to get out of doing something. I know some do things out of their gifting and it’s a complete duty and they make everyone around them aware of how aweful it is to have to do what they do, or they simply burn out inside and wonder why serving is such a chore. I got thinking about Mother Teresa, and honestly I don’t know her very well, never read a complete book on her or anything but…my impression of her is not so much that she took a gifts inventory and then focused her ministry to her gifts but rather that she made herself completely and utterly available for whatever God wanted to use her for and that just happened to be on the streets of India. I honestly believe that you could have put her anywhere at anytime and as long as she knew it was where God wanted her to be she would have served and experienced the joy that comes through pure sacrificial service. How often do we miss out on the joy and worship that we could experience by only limiting ourselves to our “strengths”? What about the fact that God is made perfect in our weakness and that His grace is sufficient? I’m not advocating that we all go do everything we know that we are not good at but I am advocating the thought that if we limit ourselves to only serving out of our gifts and strengths then we miss out on what I believe are some of the greatest blessings and testimonies that God gives. I find myself looking at my weaknesses in a different way or at least trying to…I believe that in my weakness people most notice God in me instead of just noticing me and at this point in my life God’s the only one I want people to see. Which kind of leads to my next thought I’ve been stewing over in my mind. It’s amazing how you can read the bible over and over and yet the simple truths still have new meaning as the years go by…one that I’ve been thinking about is the whole verse about losing your life to find it and how if we cling to our life we will lose it in the end. I’m giving the whole idea of “losing my life” new thought these days and trying to understand how that concept might make me change some of my thoughts, actions, decisions, etc. You know after one of the services at family camp I walked away from the service and walked down the road saying “God, you know I love my girls and I want them to be safe and happy but God Lauren and Lydia are in your hands, my job, my house, my family, my friends, my health, my security, my life God is completely and utterly yours to do with whatever you want to do.” Sometimes I think we think that if we totally release everything to God He is going to do something bad and it’s almost scary but…I am finding it freeing to be able to hold nothing back and I mean nothing and watch what God is doing. It’s actually been a joy and so good to know that no matter what I can trust that God is aware of every detail. In this world we will have suffering but we are to count it all joy and I’m finding that is possible.

I did struggle this week with the whole area of worship…I found myself walking into church at camp and feeling so frustrated to look around and see that we as a body were so disengaged from worship, and it’s not just at camp…I find that most churches I walk into I experience a lot of the same feeling. Now I’m not talking about the music, whether it’s choruses or hymns, I’m not talking about the instrumentation, I’m not talking about the volume, I’m not talking about whether people clap on beats 2 and 4, etc. I’m talking about the fact that people are not engaged in the process of worship, their is little to no evidence of any love being expressed. I know this probably sounds judgemental on my part and truthfully I just try to shut it out and focus on worshipping God myself but sometimes I just want to scream. I guess the best way I can describe what I’m feeling is this…if you told me I could have one more date with Mark…you would not believe the amount of anticipation, preparation, etc. that would go into that date. And I guarantee you that my whole being would be engaged, their would be conversation, their would be body language, their would be silent moments, their would be laughter, tears, overall emotion. I would take advantage of every milisecond to express my love to Mark and I believe that he would do the same so…it breaks my heart and honestly makes me down right angry when I come to church and we meet with the living God, the God who created this whole world and holds it all in perfect balance, the God who knows how many hairs are on our head, the God who sent his son away from his side for 33 years to die for us and we are distracted, withdrawn, critical, unfocused, uncaring about what happens as a body in our worship of God. How can God possibly feel our deep love for Him when we are so disengaged. Do I believe that their should be some definite emotions and actions that everyperson should corporately make…no…just as we would express our love differently to our spouse obviously we express love differently to God however, what I’m experiencing is not so much that we are expressing love differently as much as I’m experiencing often a complete indifference in the whole experience. I know nobody wants to put on a “show” and have the focus put on them and I understand this whole point and yet…sometimes I think in not wanting to put on a show we swing the other way and are completely unexpressive at all. I guess I just want to shout out… do we love God or not and if we do shouldn’t we be expressing it in some way. Don’t worry…I’m not checking every individual out and you don’t have to worry that I’ll single anybody out, it’s not my job and not my concern, I have enough to take care of in just trying to focus my mind and be genuine and pure in my own expressions of love to God but sometimes it’s just incredibly overwhelming how lacking we are in this area. And again I believe that we can worship God in any music style, with any instrument or lack of instruments and at whatever volume suits the crowd. Again…I guess this is an area along with serving out of our weakness that I believe would be incredibly glorifying to God if God’s people genuinely came together and worshipped and loved God openly and were truly engaged. Obviously I believe that this whole process begins in private…if my love life with God isn’t happening individually it can’t happen corporately. It’s probably a sensitive situation for me even more so because frankly I don’t have the love of my life by my side anymore, I don’t have my best friend to talk to face to face and I am finding that it’s really hard when it seems like people all around me take for granted these things everyday with their spouse and even more so with God. Just a thought for whatever it’s worth.

In small group this week we have been reading Job…and here’s a thought that has stood out to me. I find it really interesting that in Job the Lord says to Satan after Satan has roamed the earth “Have you considered my servant Job.” in fact the Lord says this to Satan more than once. I found myself mulling that over in my mind this past couple of weeks. God is sovereign and incontrol at all times and I find myself hearing God say in my mind those same words except with my name in place of Job and I’m thinking over the ramifications of that statement. “Have you considered my servant Ruth…” I pray that my faith could hold regardless of whatever is thrown at me.

One of the speakers at camp really helped me think some new thoughts on the 10 commandments…he talked about how the commandments are in balance (negative-positive). For example the first commandment about having no other gods before God…the positive statement is that our one true God will be all that we will ever need and more. Or thou shalt not steal, the positive statement being that we need to give. He went through each commandment and I don’t know how to give the sermons justice but I’ll just say that it gave me new thoughts to think about. He also had a talk on “just enough is never enough” which centered on the foolish and wise man who built their houses on the rock/sand and on the 10 virgins (some were prepared and others weren’t). He pointed out that if we have ‘Just enough’ of God…just enough to be saved, it won’t be enough, oh our salvation will be secure but their is so much more to the Christian life than just our salvation…we need to be filled with the Holy Spirit and overflowing. Ironically or maybe not so ironically he talked about a woman whose husband had died of cancer and how she dealt with the loss when she had young children, etc. And he also talked about someone else in a loss and how they dealt with it and how at times of loss having “just enough of God’ is not enough. I wanted to stand and testify to the truth of what he was saying. I guarantee you that my life, my childhood, being immersed in the Christian life, seeing it lived out in my parents, experiencing it in my church, etc. I guarantee you that not a moment, a verse memorized, a lesson learned has been wasted it has all become part of who I am and I feel deep love and gratitude to my awesome God who has shown me first hand what it feels like to stand tall in a torrential down pour figuratively speaking of course. And even when the storm ends He has shown me first hand what it’s like to survey the damage and realize that the foundation is completely intact in fact amazingly the house/life has been made stronger for having experienced the storm. I may not have any definite answers for why things happen but I can tell you their is amazing freedom when we realize that through Christ we are overcomers, we can do all things,and all things really do work for our good. Their is amazing power in knowing that my God supplies all of my needs, and I can trust him even without understanding. When I look at the world’s response to loss I am amazed at how much the Christian has an opportunity to stand out and testify first hand without even trying to the wonder of God and who He is. Not that I don’t feel loss…I do, frankly at times I have a hard time breathing, and frankly at times all I can do when I worship is to groan but still…I don’t know how to explain it and maybe it’s no revelation to anybody but myself but I love God more deeply than I ever have before, I find new reason to worship him everyday, I am more aware all the time of how unworthy I am and in complete awe of how Holy He is…their is no God like our God.

So…where does that leave me for today…well after driving 10 straight hours with three exhausted/somewhat crabby people (myself included:), unloading the car and looking at the heap that I know need to reassimiliate back into my house, surveying the yard, going through the mail, email, etc. it leaves me feeling pretty whooped at the moment but that’s alright:). Tomorrow it’s back to our church which was worth the straight through drive in itself…I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again I love the body of Christ I worship with every week. They’re real down to earth people and I for some reason I feel most free to engage in worship as a body when I’m at The Bridge, I guess that’s how I know it’s a good fit:). Then I need to come home and mow my long overdue yard:). The girls and I will be home tomorrow and Monday doing some projects and chilling, then Tuesday we’re hitting Six Flags in St Louis since we have some free tickets to use up before they expire and then we are doing a little Amtrak trip later in the week to Chicago for a couple of nights. School is definitely coming on the horizon…we now have the school supply lists and I’ve received my schedule for the first inservice days…I’m trying not to dread it…I know once I get back in to it it will be fine. Mark’s parents are coming in for a visit the following week to measure my porch windows and siding so that in the fall we can replace them, as well as simply to drop in for a visit. Bob took the girls fishing for the first time while we were in Michigan and they loved it, he even got them their own fishing poles in their favorite colors…The girls and I visited Mark’s grave while we were in Michigan, in fact it’s the first thing we did since I had promised Lydia when we left in May. It was good for the three of us to laugh and cry together while standing by Mark’s name. I’m not a big person on remembering someone at the cemetary, I usually would much rather go back to a special place or do an activity that was special to remember the good times but I think once in awhile it may be good to just visit Mark’s grave and see what God allows to come to the surface that we might not even be aware of. We left flowers and for some reason the nut in me had a hard time with that…I guess I knew that they wouldn’t be able to be taken care of and watered so they’ll probably die, I guess that’s why I’ve become such a flower/tree/plant nut at my house. A big thanks to Richard for watering our plants while we were gone and helping the cats to survive:). Hope you all had a good two weeks! And just as you might still enjoy reading my thoughts…I still enjoy reading your comments.

Now that I’ve been typing for the past hour and a half…I guess I better vact the heap in my living room waiting to be unpacked:).

I put words up on my bathroom wall tonight and I’ll sign off with this for tonight…Love like you’ll never be hurt, Live like heaven is right here on earth.

Love,

Ruth

Just wanted to let you know before we hit the road…the DVD player is working again, I know it’s a detail but still I’m thankful:).

Have a great day…they’re all great right?!?!

Ruth

Well today has been the day of running errands!! Lydia and I were all over the place today to line up all the details for heading out of town tomorrow. In the process I did finish the mailbox and it looks great:). And I ended up putting down 11 more bags of mulch and several more plants and trees in Mark’s garden. I know this is crazy but wherever we go it seems they are selling plants and the girls and I keep finding new and interesting plants to try so I just keep adding more mulch and planting more plants. The garden is getting quite large and I’ve decided it’s my new form of evangelism…What in the world am I talking about well…if you’ve been in church long you know we try all sorts of crazy stuff to reach the lost, our neighbors, coworkers etc. So…I’ve decided why couldn’t God use what I love to do anyway to reach the lost. I’m finding that the more I work in my yard, the more things look great the more neighbors start noticing and it seems to open the conversation easily, it also gets me outside so of course I’m more likely to bump into a neighbor. So their you have it I am a member of Flower Evangelism:).

 Today while I was planting stuff I realized that I was having on the job training…I’m sure that I’ll be a master gardener when I get to heaven but the great thing is that I won’t be sore, yeah you guessed it I’m pretty much aching everywhere tonight, of course that could be from my basement project last night as well…I called it quits at 2:30am…not quite done but should finish tonight. Lydia is currently enjoying the music area immensely, literally she has already written at least 3-5 original songs of her own. She is loving the whole keyboard, drums, bass, microphone experience, somehow I think her and Lauren will make a lot of music together down there. Most of the stuff is Mark’s stuff and it’s not necessarily meant for kids but I decided what the heck it might as well be used. So…tomorrow afternoon we hit the road for Michigan…please pray for us tomorrow morning about our DVD player in our car…o.k. I guess it isn’t an absolute necessity but…it sure would be nice to be able to use it with all the riding in the car we’re going to be doing and for some reason the screen won’t open…tomorrow morning we’re meeting with a guy who works for the installation company and hopefully he will be able to find some small detail that will magically make the thing work, if not I guess we’ll survive:). Actually I began thinking today maybe God just wants me to get to know the service people at Saturn better. I mean the thing had been working fine until Monday and we didn’t do anything different to close it than before and all of a sudden it won’t work…it’s all about perspective I guess so…I’m just looking at the whole thing as a divine appointment for me to get to know the service people.
Ran into an old acquaintance today at McDonalds, a college age girl that went to Emmanuel FM when we were there and no longer goes to church anywhere…I hadn’t talked to her in a long time and she had no idea about Mark. I’m finding that the whole situation with Mark has truly become part of my story to tell. I was always one of those people who had a pretty boring testimony…grew up in a Christian home, became a Christian as a kid, haven’t strayed too far, no dramatic testimony etc. All of a sudden I find myself in a whole new position, a position where people look at me and are curious…curious about what is different in my life and they connect with Mark and I’s story. And at the same time the girls have added this whole experience to “Their” story…who knows what God has lined up for them in the future. I am so grateful that my girls love God with their whole heart and even though they miss dad terrible it doesn’t cross their mind to get angry with God. It’s hard to get angry with God when each day we feel His love for us in incredible ways. Today as Lydia and I were headed home she looked up in the sky and said “hey mom, their’s a turtle in the sky” I totally expected to see a couple puffs of clouds which with a little imagination might resemble a turtle, I was shocked though when I looked up and literally I could see the mouth, eye, head, body, etc. Seriously it looked like a turtle and I knew in that moment that whether it was from Mark or God it didn’t matter what did matter was that it was a definite love message to Lydia…I believe her dad and God are plenty aware of her life and it was just an expression that she is loved and being thought of. What a blessing! God is good.

Tomorrow we pick up Lauren at 4pm and then hit the road for Indiana where we will stay overnight and then arrive in Michigan on Saturday. I will probably have very little opportunity to update this blog while we are gone but as I’ve done in the past I’m sure I’ll probably unload when I get back on July 28th. (2 weeks). HOpe you all have a good finish to your month of July. I’m looking forward to relaxing in Michigan, I tend to do that more when I’m not at home than when I am (always some project calling my attention at home:). Love you all,

Ruth

Hi all…

Well today Lydia and I cleaned the laundry area of the basement and went through baby stuff I kept from both girls baby days…I’m so glad I hung on to some special stuff back in those days since  I tend to be a tosser. We then went to Stanifer’s house for small group (I never did get through Revelations…oops) But now we’re moving on to Job for the next couple of weeks somehow I think I’ll connect with that one:). Then Lydia and I went for our pedicure…which was nice and relaxing…had an emotional moment when Christy (the lady doing my nails) cleaned my rings and asked me about my “wedding rings” which led to me explaining that my husband had passed away in May and next thing you know I was unable to keep the emotions in check with a poor unsuspecting stranger, truthfully once that emotion was present it was pretty easy for us to move into heart to heart conversation with each other which was nice and I guess worth the uncomposed moment:). Lydia and I tried out a new restaurant in Edwardsville tonight for dinner Qdoba…was alright and then we made our way home after visiting Walmart:). I then took the tools I had purchased yesterday and tried to put the mailbox together. I was trying to use a little power screw driver but it became obvious that I was going to need the big one so…the battery is charging and I’m going to hit that mailbox tomorrow and get it finished. I’m just now getting ready at 9:15pm to hit the rest of the basement and take down Mark’s office and put up an Art/Music area for the girls and I’ve kind of decided this is going to be a typical “Success or death” night for me as Mark would put it which means I’m planning on an all nighter…I just want the project done!! And tomorrow I need to run about a zillion errands before we head for Michigan on Friday. One praise…the girls bikes were able to be fixed before heading to Michigan…I picked them up today, I wasn’t sure if they would be and knew they would be disappointed if they weren’t so I was thankful for that.

I’m again realizing that I have a huge desire to be known and to know and I think most of you who read this regularly know me pretty well…I would probably be shocked at how well people know me since I have no idea who actually reads this, but I’m finding the whole “know” aspect to be lacking. WHich means you know me but I have no idea about what you’re feeling etc. Today I was talking about this in my small group and I realized probably many people feel uncomfortable bringing up certain topics around me, maybe they think it will upset me, maybe they don’t know what to say, etc. I can see that is probably a real issue and I can understand…I just occasionally feel like I have no sense of what anyone else is feeling which is a little strange and feels detached. Just a thought…

Well here goes…I’m headed to the basement:).

Ruth

Happy Tuesday…

Well today I bit the bullet and worked in the basement for a good part of the day. In the process I ended up pitching quite a bit, taking some to good will, giving a few things away free from the front of our house and even donated some medical things to hospice. It’s nice to have half of the basement done!! Going through Mark’s tools was interesting, their’s something about holding a man’s tools in your hands, the memories of projects from the past etc. Mark was never especially known for being handy but he learned more with every project and was always open to trying new things…and loved the new tools that came with each project. So now I have everything organized tool wise and am good to go for any projects I might choose to take on…nothing yet:). I also realized that Mark had three sets of golf clubs…nothing grand, most are hand me down clubs from others but if you are a friend and like to golf…I think I’ll pass out a few clubs here and there for those who might find sentimental value in them. Again…they are nothing grand, it would just be for sentimental value. Lydia and I made another trip to Lowe’s she’s getting tired of that place and we added more plants and mulch to Mark’s garden today, it continues to grow as we see new perennial plants that look interesting. Also I was able to get the stake in for our new mailbox. I haven’t been able to attach the box to the post yet but hopefully tomorrow…I probably would have continued working even though I was a bit worn out but Todd Linke called and invited us over for dinner and a movie…it came at a good time and forced/encouraged me to take a break which actually I needed. It’s so nice to go to a friends house and feel completely relaxed to just sit around and whatever happens happens…nothing grand but good to have the interaction of other people. In fact as I type this I’m sitting on their couch using their laptop:). Todd as always came through on the technology side of things by getting our laptop internet accessible…the girls are thrilled that they can use our home computer and laptop at the same time. lauren loves to research amusement parks…literally and Lydia enjoys playing on Barbie.com or pbs kids, etc. Anyway…all in all it’s been a good day, productive and also good to relax with friends. Tomorrow I’m back in the basement to set up the music area for the girls and continue to go through the other half of the basement. And tomorrow is small group which is something I’m looking forward to…along with a pedicure and manicure for me and Lydia…I never do manicures…frankly I never do my nails period…I just have my hands in dishwater, dirt, etc. too much to bother but it’s free so…why not:). Anyway…hope you all had a great day!

Love,

Ruth

Today started off with a trip to Greenville to drop Lauren off at Durley camp. She ended up being in a cabin with only one other girl so…they were going to probably end up putting her into a different cabin once they had all of the numbers in since it wouldn’t be nearly as fun to just be with one other person and two counselors. So I’m not sure which cabin she ended up in but the counselors assured me they would help her settle once it was decided. Even with all of that going on I just had a sense when I left that God would put her exactly where she needed to be. Today we had quite the thunderstorm go through our area which was fine with me, I’m always glad to have my plants and yard watered naturally but I’m sure it caused some excitement at camp:). Lydia and I didn’t do anything real big today…we picked up a couple more plants for Mark’s garden and decided next year we want to add some kind of water fountain in to it. It keeps getting bigger all the time:). We also picked out a new mailbox…our current delivery is through a slot on our front door and that is being replaced with the windows soon so we had to choose a mailbox, with Lydia’s help I picked out something that is unique looking, tomorrow hopefully I can get the thing staked into the ground and figure out the process of putting it together…should be fine. Lydia and I then went to the movies and saw Evan Almighty. It actually was pretty good for a Hollywood movie I thought. I figure we’ll be going back when Lauren is around as I know she’ll want to see it too. Tomorrow weather permitting I’m going to start hauling stuff out of our basement and figure out whether it’s worth keeping, taking to goodwill, boxing up for someone else, or tossing it. So tomorrow is going to be a pretty intense work day. On Wednesday though I have already scheduled a bit of a break for Lydia and I to go have a pedicure done (I had been given a gift cert. to use up almost a year ago so decided this would be a good time to use it.)It’s been a good day overall…It’s the wierdest thing though…some days I find myself standing tall, amazed at how I feel about life, the perspective I have been able to gain, the presence of God, finding it almost an honor and priviledge to be walking in my shoes and being able to honor and serve God. Other days…I feel more human…more at a loss to even put into words what is going inside of me. Bizarre…and then I always struggle with the fact that loss is loss right?!? I mean how is my loss any greater or more significant than the person who has been divorced, the parent with a wayward child, the family financially destitute and yet sometimes for some reason it does feel different. As you can tell I seem to be dealing with a wide range of emotions and stuff. Anyway, today was fine and I’m praying Lauren has a good week at camp.

Have a great day,

Ruth

Well Lauren is all packed up and ready to go to camp first thing in the morning…Right now they are sitting here watching Jonah (The Veggie version). It’s been a good day, music went well this morning, the band at The bridge is such a well oiled machine it’s an easy task and a joy to play with them. We went over to Chuck and Kim Miller’s house (a couple from our church) for dinner and hanging out time which was nice. Kim and I were talking and she expressed emotionally the loss that the church is feeling without Mark in the body anymore. It was a strange moment for me emotionally, I’m not exactly sure what I was feeling but for some reason when she said the church was still feeling a huge loss I was surprised, I guess not many actually talk about it and truthfully time has a way of marching on so I hadn’t been receiving much feedback about any loss being felt. And somehow it felt good to know that the body I worship with is feeling my loss and missing Mark too. I know this probably doesn’t seem like any great revelation, but for me it was. I feel like I have been so open about my feelings, experiences, etc. and often have no idea what anybody else is feeling or experiencing, it’s good to hear what’s going on in other’s hearts too. I love hearing from people who are remembering Mark in unique ways…one of Mark’s friends who used to occasionally golf with him actually is writing Mark’s name on golf balls and the next time he golfs is going to hit his ball and Mark’s ball at each hole in rememberance of him…pretty cool. (You’re awesome Jared:) Sarah it was good to read that when you saw Mark’s lessons in Rev. you were moved. It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling grief and loss.

I’ve finished When I lay My Isaac Down and am now reading the sequel “New kind of Normal”. Here are some quotes that have been meaningful to me

“Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. Pain is a tragedy. But it’s never only a tragedy. For the Christian, it’s always a necessary mile on the long journey to joy. It’s an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with Himself…”

“The cup of sorrow, inconceivable as it seems, is also the cup of joy.”

“God is attracted to weakness. He can’t resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him.”

“What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be. His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish-His purpose is the process itself…it is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”

“With dashed hopes comes the possibility of new dreams.”

“The faith that gets us through unthinkable circumstances begins with being flat-out needy and allowing God’s love to wrap us up, hold us close, and dry our tears.”

Well these are just some of the things that are stirring around in my brain. God is good, his love for me is deep and He does not change regardless of what else may come and go in my life.

Have a great week,

Ruth