The Jackson Family Online

Hello… well another week has basically just breezed by, my how time flies! Tomorrow after school the girls and I are going to go to Eric and Brenda Bruder’s house for a couple of nights in Shelbyville, IL. Should be a fun time to hang out with friends, relax, and enjoy a little time off of work. We’re looking forward to going to church with them on Sunday and then will head back for the backyard fellowship at the Gines household on Sunday night. Then we are hoping to hook up with the Stanifer clan for Labor day…so it should be a fun friend filled weekend which is always nice. Hope you have great plans as well.

Went to the family christian bookstore today and was surprised to see a book by John Ortberg called “When the Game is Over It All Goes Back in the Box.” it’s focus is on living for what really matters which I found very interesting since that thought seems to permeate my daily life now a days. So…I picked up the book and started reading it tonight. Already in the second chapter he talks about being rich toward God…

“Being rich toward God means growing a soul that is increasingly healthy and good. Being rich toward God means loving and enjoying the people around you. Being rich toward God means learning about your gifts and passions and doing good work to help improve the world. Being rich toward God means becoming generous with your stuff. Being rich toward God means making that which is temporary become the servant of that which is eternal. Being rich toward God means savoring every roll of the dice and every trip aroung the board.”

Later he states “I can’t make myself love God, but I can come to know him better. And because God is love, the more I come to know him, the more my love for him will grow. Love is a by-product of knowing. So I can spend this day loving God. And tomorrow I can seek to love him a little more. This is a life “rich toward God.”

I always hesitate to sound as if “I’ve arrived ” so to speak because as we all know as soon as we think we’ve got anything together usually we have something fall apart in our lives and we realize we don’t but…as I was reading I was thinking…”that’s exactly where I feel I am in my life today. Seeking every day to love God more and to know him better. Seeking to focus on what is eternal, loving people and making the world a better place when I can. Seeking to be generous and just follow God’s promptings even when they might not make sense to me. Seeking to enjoy all life has to offer at the moment, to live to the full, to soak every moment in, to experience all that I can and to expose my girls to a full adventurous life. I love taking them to new places, even when we get lost occasionally…we always eventually find our way and a lot of time have some great adventures in the process. I want them to dare to dream big, and to know that our God is a God who has big plans for their lives. Our God is safe and secure, a refuge in time of trouble, all of those things but I believe our God is also exciting and would love to take our breath away and frankly you can sign me up right now for that!

Tonight as I was watering my flowers I couldn’t believe all the nature that has come to my backyard simply because of planting flowers and putting out bird feeders. I must have had 40 birds at a time and a humming bird was literally flying around me close enough I could almost touch it, and the butterflies, I have never seen so many different butterflies. My ritual has become to come home and get the girls homework done and we eat an early dinner and then I have some quiet time to myself outside while I’m watering the flowers (usually the girls are playing or watching TV). I enjoy that time, don’t we all have certain activites and things we do where we especially hear God’s voice…I do. I can almost guarantee that if I have a road trip I’ll hear from God. I can almost guarantee that if I’m cleaning my house, organizing something or moving things around I’ll hear from God. No wonder my furniture moves so much:). I can almost guarantee that if I’m working in the dirt, planting flowers, pulling weeds or whatever I’ll hear from God. When I go to church, to small group, etc. guaranteed I will hear something from God. I’m finding that I’m weeding out more of the stuff that I do that doesn’t allow me to hear His voice and adding more of the other stuff that I’m more likely to hear His voice because frankly I just want to come to a place where I hear God all day long. Honestly TV has very little room in my schedule anymore.

Anyway…I’m looking forward to reading this book in the next week or so and I also picked up a book by the guy who died for 90 minutes and then came back. I had already read 90 minutes in heaven but he wrote a book called “heaven is Real” and I’m looking forward to reading that as well. Also picked up the New Casting Crowns CD…can’t wait to see them in October!! Still can’t believe that people who read this blog arranged for the girls and I to meet them face to face…pretty bizarre and frankly breath taking….God is good.

I probably won’t be back on to blog until Sunday night…hope all is going well for you all. I know occasionally for those of you who comment that it doesn’t come up right away on the site…all comments go through an approval area first before they come up and I’m not sure how all that works but that could be why there is sometimes a time delay. By the way, the rest of the Cardinal tickets have been passed out so…on the 18th of Sept. eight soon to be friends and I and the girls will be going to the game…should be fun. Lauren’s getting some cool new glasses tomorrow so if you see her out and about feel free to compliment her on them…she’s a little unsure about them but I think they look great on her, I told her I wish I had had someone to counsel me on picking out glasses when I was her age…my fifth grade picture is quite a grand picture, not!!

Love,

Ruth

Tonight was small group which is always a highlight of the week for me. On the way there the girls and I were talking about the fact that it has almost been four months since Mark died and discussing if that feels like a long time ago or like it was just yesterday and for all three of us I guess life has settled in enough that it seems now as if Mark’s been in heaven for awhile. This summer I know we often felt like it was just “yesterday” but it’s amazing how a new normal begins to emerge and in fact a lot of life has happened in the last four months.

For awhile I had this misconception that for me to ever date anyone again would be like going back to the feelings, insecurities, etc. of when I was 16. But I’m beginning to realize that no, for me to date at this point in my life would be a lot different. Today I had the verse come into my mind how perfect love casts out fear and I realized again how true that verse is. I haven’t been on a date and don’t have any penciled in in the near future but I realized that I wouldn’t date anyone I couldn’t completely trust in the first place and if that level of trust is present than their is no reason to fear. Besides the fact that God is so utterly trustworthy and my life is His I can’t help but live realizing that it’s all taken care of. Which is great since it takes a huge load off of me to have to figure it out and make all the “right” choices on my own. My perspective has changed so much in the past year that I have to just tell you I realized that regardless of whether I was at a funeral or at a wedding if I had the choice of picking the music I would want it to completely focused on praising God. Seems like a lot of scripture talks about the idea of praising God all the time, in the good and the bad and sometimes I think we think that would have to not be genuine praise but truthfully the awesome thing is that we can actually desire to praise God all the time and their is power that goes out when we praise Him. So just in case your wondering…o.k. I know your not but just let me go there…if I ever get married again and you plan to attend…I mean why wouldn’t you want to be there right?!? plan on coming and worshipping God, I will be….

Have a great night,

Love,

Ruth

Good morning…

Hope your week is going well…the girls and I have been going to bed early this week which is nice. Last night we just sat around and watched a movie and America’s funniest home videos which is always entertaining.

I’m finding more and more that I’m getting into that grey area after a spouse has died where some people begin to ask if I’m interested in dating anyone and then the other half seem to be in shock or disbelief that I would even consider dating anyone this soon. While I do try to listen to people I respect and seek their counsel at the same time I’m leaving all of this in God’s hands. I used to think “stepping out in faith” was a risky thing now I realize that it’s the surest thing their is. God makes no mistakes…so I’m just trying to stay submitted, focused and open and standing back and seeing what God will do. I have to be honest part of why I didn’t sleep well on Sunday night was because it felt like God woke me up and had me thinking that it could be possible that their might be hope, their might be a future for me in this area and truthfully I didn’t realize how much I needed that bit of hope so I just kind of dreamed a little and was in awe again of how good God is. My life is good…if nothing changes me and the girls will be fine and yet the thought that their might be someone for me at some point does bring joy to me and even to the girls. We all are at a point where we are open to God on the issue. And here again it’s giving me an opportunity to let my girls see first hand what it looks like to trust in God, I hope I can model this well. It’s funny I used to wonder why when I asked questions older saints always seemed so oblivious and had what seemed like trite answers about just trusting GOd…now I find that I see more clearly all the time why they answered that way and I struggle less and less with the questions all the time. Anyway…I guess what I’m saying is that if someone comes into the girls and I life I pray and hope that you all will understand, if no one ever comes into our life in that way I pray and hope that you all will understand. I’ve been told that grief takes at least a year…but how do you time this process and I believe that everyone moves through it at a different pace. I’m just going to let God draw the time line and going to let him arrange what he wants in my life. If he says the word “no” then I see no point in arguing the issue, but if he says “maybe or yes” I want you all to know so you’re not shocked that I’m open. I used to make judgemental comments about others in this area and I’ve heard the same comments as well, things like “I would never remarry” or “That was really soon” etc. but how can we really know what we would do or not do unless we have walked in those shoes.

Just wanted to let you know what’s been stirring around in my brain…

Have a great day!

Ruth

Hi…

I didn’t write yesterday…was just to plain out tired. After school we did the normal homework/dinner/clean up/swim and collapse into bed thing. Sunday night I only slept about 3 hours, for no reason except that things were on my mind and I woke up feeling pretty wide awake so I can tell for the rest of the week I will probably be recovering. Anyway…all is well on this end of life…the kids seem to be doing fine and school is going well. I gave the first four cardinal tickets to my neighbors with the twin girls and they seem happy to go. Hopefully today I will give away the other four to Lauren’s best friends family. I guess that’s about all for now…I just came from teaching 8 elementary music classes with rhythm instruments so you have to understand my mind is a little gone at the moment:). Have a great day!

Ruth

Hello,

It’s been a good day. Church as usual…which is always good. Felt led during the service to do something that was a little surprising in my mind. Lately I’m noticing that when I’m at church God seems to be prompting me here and there to do something for someone, it’s not preplanned or put into my ear by anyone else but it’s as if God just brings the person or situation to my mind. Today I was thinking about an upcoming Cardinal game that the Bridge is selling tickets for to raise money for the building fund. I’ve been kind of wanting to go but kind of dreading going at the same time…just don’t want to go to a huge stadium and feel alone, the girls would be with me but…I guess sometimes I just crave having another adult that I know, well I felt God prompting me to think evangelistically and also meeting my inner most needs at the same time so…I bought 11 tickets instead of 3 and am going to offer them to my neighbors next door that have the twin daughters and also to Lauren’s best friend from school’s family. So…I shouldn’t feel too alone hopefully and I will also hopefully get to know the families of my daughters best friends and in the mean time hopefully bless two families who I don’t think have God in their lives. Pray for me as I go to offer them the tickets…I know it should be a no brainer, I mean the tickets are free but still I feel a little strange about it, but dog gone it I’m gonna do it.

Today was also a day where I was able to see again in my girls how much they are like Mark and I. Lauren says things and acts like Mark in so many ways, it’s almost bizarre at times. She is truly a gift. She struggles though just like Mark in the area of giving and receiving love. I see so many of the same tendencies in her that I saw in Mark. When I went to hug her today she even pushed me away the same way Mark used to occasionally do to me, the wierd thing is that in a strange way it almost seemed endearing:). It’s good to know how to pray for her better and I realize more and more that she is a child who needs a lot of love even if she doesn’t seem to be real demonstrative at times. I’ve noticed it in her grief as well…she doesn’t cry much, doesn’t want to go there but on the few occasions she has the river runs deep. Through her I’ve also been reminded of how much Mark loved me and just couldn’t express it in ways that I could feel or hear it at times. What I mean is when Lydia isn’t around Lauren and it’s just me and Lauren at home, Lauren misses her sister in the hugest way. And yet when Lydia comes home dog gone it she can’t just tell Lydia that she missed her she has to deny it and maybe even joke about it and hurt Lydia’s feelings in the process. I’ve just begun to realize how deep Mark’s love ran for me…somehow I have a sneaking suspicion that even though he was very social and seemed just fine when I wasn’t around he probably missed me deeply just as I see it in Lauren but I didn’t tend to feel it when we got back together becuase just as Lauren won’t just say “I missed you.” Mark rarely said it either…I hope this makes sense but as I see Lauren and how she handles life I’m just starting to understand more deeply how Mark related and felt as well.

Lydia on the other hand has a lot of my tendencies. She is kind hearted and helpful but gets her feelings hurt easily. The whole area of submission is a tough one for her and I often have to remind her of who’s in charge. She still has a hard time realizing that if things aren’t her way throwing a fit isn’t going to change things. I have to laugh and shake my head…submission has been a tough issue for me. Mark’s up in heaven saying amen even as I type this I’m sure. I loved Mark deeply but I sure struggled sometimes following his lead. I knew it was biblical but when Mark married me he told me that he was drawn to me because I wasn’t like all the other girls, I had a head on my shoulders, could hold up my end of the conversation, etc. Those strengths easily became weaknesses at times…I’m sure many times I should have just gone along with things instead of rocking the boat. To Mark’s credit he seemed to know that I was a free spirit and he gave me lots of room to live and breath, more than many men would have.

Anyway, I guess I say all this to say today I saw up close and personal a mini Mark and a mini Ruth interacting in my two girls and wow it sure is a different perspective from my view point now. I’m sure it’s the same with all of your kids as well…can be scary at times:).

This afternoon for some reason I got it in my head to plan a trip out west for next summer, I talked to Sue Harris this morning at church and she referred to the trip they had taken and then next thing my mind was in full gear so I spent the afternoon on the computer tracking a route, searching various tourism websites, looking at maps etc. I literally spent easily 2-3 hours. Now if that isn’t crazy I don’t know what is. I should have been doing school work but I guess I was in the mood to procrastinate or something….The girls continued to dress up and video tape they crack me up how they’ll video tape each other and then sit down and watch their videos and laugh so hard about their comedic moments, I just enjoy watching them watching themselves if that makes sense.

Tonight we went to Emmanuel FM. I had been thinking about it for awhile now and just hadn’t with all the summer stuff going on in our lives but decided tonight to try it out. The girls really enjoyed it and we’ll probably be back. It’s good to have friends I guess that’s the basic feeling I came away with tonight.

Well off to another week. So far I’m still on track with my bible reading, hallelujah and I’m not dreading school tomorrow…I’m really happy about that. Hope you all had a great weekend and are looking forward to a great week as well.

Ruth

Today I’ve cleaned house and painted…which means I’ve gotten about a month’s worth of therapy in one shot:). As I was cleaning today I had some time to think…their’s nothing like physical labor to get my mind thinking. I was thinking about a little girl I had yesterday in music class. She’s probably only 5 years old and when she walked into the music room with her class she didn’t sit down right away by the kid who was in front of her and the kid who was behind her. By the time she figured it out the rest of the class was seated so even though I knew she was out of her spot I didn’t force the issue of having the rest of the class move, instead I asked her to sit in a different seat. She proceeded to refuse to sit down in the different seat and then when I approached her hoping that my proximity would encourage her to do as I had asked she started to throw a fit. At that point I’m not sure what reflex kicked in, probably my mom reflex and I ended up walking her to a chair in the back of the room for time out until she was finished throwing the fit. I told her that when she was done and ready to come up and sit where I had placed her she could come join us, in the mean time we were going to start music. She was not pleased but did eventually settle down. In the mean time another girl volunteered to have her take her seat to which I said no…for some reason I just felt that it was important for her to understand (the girl throwing a fit) who was in charge and regardless of the circumstances, fairness or not she needed to follow directions. Well…that was a long story to say at the end of class as the children were walking out I knelt down by this girl who’s name will now forever be in my mind and gave her a big hug, we talked in a minute or two about how she wasn’t going to throw any more fits and she grew a soft spot in my heart at that moment. She was the only child I got down with on my knees and talked one on one with and hugged, one of the few children right now who I could call by name anywhere I saw her.

So…long story but this is what God showed me in that story. Life isn’t fair…big revelation right their right?!? And just as I saw that the girls original place was taken and I could have forced everyone to move I chose not to in that instance, God also sees when unfairness takes place but it doesn’t mean that he is going to change circumstances everytime to set our need for fairness in place. When life isn’t fair we have a choice, we can sit in the place where God has placed us and take part in what He is doing or we can throw a fit, get angry and in essence sit ourselves out of the action, regardless the “class” will continue, God’s purposes will not be thwarted despite how we might feel. God can handle our fits, just as I could handle that little girl’s fit yesterday. I wasn’t pleased but I knew it would pass and regardless I wasn’t going to back down. There will be some who want to step in and say let her have my spot or in my most recent situation there will be those who say “why wasn’t it me that had cancer…” but that’s not how it works. Eventually even if we are angry intially with the unfairness of life when we simmer down and submit we can join right back in to the “class” the purposes of God. And you know what I believe that just as that girl has a special place in my heart those of us who have experienced life’s unfairness, and truthfully who hasn’t at one time or another…we have a special place in God’s heart. Just as I hugged that girl and truthfully didn’t hug another child in the line I have felt hugged by God. I find it an incredible thing to worship and feel so totally loved by God despite life’s unfairness. Now hopefully if the same situation plays itself out next week the girl might not throw a fit, maybe she’ll just accept it, or maybe I’ll force the issue and make sure everything is even and fair, regardless before Mark died I had enough of life’s unfairness to have already wrestled out the whole getting angry and throwing a fit thing, been there done that. And I believe that God is o.k. with our anger. But when Mark died I was at a place and am still at a place where I was willing to submit and sit in a different “seat” a different situation, God could have forced the issue, he could have stepped in and changed the circumstances, but he didn’t instead He told me to sit in a new life, a new situation and Praise God I believe that I was prepared through a million other experiences to sit down and submit without the anger. And amazingly I’ve found God looking at me with the hugest smile on his face and I’m scared to say it because I’m so leary about being prideful, I don’t want to get caught in that trap, but I believe that God is pleased with me, that he knows my name, that I hold a special place in his heart and that in the line of life he has knelt down and hugged me and let me know that he loves me.

I hope that all made some form of sense…I didn’t think of it yesterday at all but while I was cleaning today the whole situation came rushing back to my mind and I was able to place my self in that girl’s place and see God as the teacher. You know it’s funny year after year the kids who often give you the hardest time, the kids who are angry, etc. are the ones who come up to you afterward and hug you and appreciate the difference you made in their life. That’s why I teach, and that’s why I hold the line even when it’s hard.

Last night as we were shopping I had a new experience, Lauren and I were in the dressing room and I was trying on a shirt…Lauren gave me the compliment of “Mom that shirt looks good on you, I bet you might get a boyfriend by wearing that shirt.” I knew for her that was the ultimate in a compliment but I have to tell you I never dreamed that I would even be having that conversation with my ten year old. I never dreamed that as a 37 year old who is a bit past her physical prime I would even be going down that avenue. Just in case you are wondering…I bought the shirt:). I have to say I might not be buff and trim physically but on the inside where it counts (Lauren and I had that conversation last night inside/outside) I am more emotionally and spiritually at my prime than ever.

I miss Mark every day and in about a million ways.

Love,

Ruth

Happy Friday…

Well as tired as I was last night earlier in the day I had decided to change my sheets and mattress cover and I swear I didn’t think my dryer last night was every going to get it all dry enough to get put down on my bed…so about midnight I finally collapsed. Anyway it sure is nice to know tomorrow should be a restful day. Lauren is having her eyes checked…besides that no big plans. I think I’m looking at a cleaning therapy day, think I’m in the mood. The rain today was awesome!! It’s so nice to have everything watered naturally! Tonight the girls and I went out to Golden Corral…sure wished they offered a price just for their warm rolls, honey butter and sweet tea, I could make a meal off of just those items:). Then we shopped a little, watched the third dvd in the “Love comes softly” series, they’re pretty good, planning on watching the fourth one tomorrow sometime. So…no real big news on this end. Made it through the first week of school successfully which will make the rest of the school year seem much easier. This weekend I need to hand address and send out about 150 letters to parents but I can do that while I watch a movie. Lydia has had a really awesome experience, we have some twin girls next door who have recently moved in and they are second graders so Lydia and Gracey and Gabby are fast becoming best friends, today they came over and played for awhile and from what I can understand they all play together at recess at school. So nice to see Lydia attaching to good friends. Lauren is also getting into the whole friend thing, she’s hoping that one of her best friends from school is having a movie party tomorrow night so she can go and hang out with her. Times are changing fast, somehow I have a feeling it’s all just the beginning of the girls wanting to be with friends.

Anyway…have a great weekend.

O.K. everything from my head to my toes is exhausted at the moment. It’s been a good week and it’s a good tired but wow getting back into school on a full week sure hits me like a ton of bricks. Tonight the girls had their open house at their school to meet their teachers etc. and get the low down on the homework expectations, etc. Then I took them swimming, they swam while I worked on seating charts, again adding and deleting names of various students that have added and dropped choir this week. Hopefully it’s all set in stone now:). I wrote in pencil just in case.

If you’ve been a long time blog reader of this blog than you know when I’m in school I tend to look forward to Friday and can’t wait til the weekend. Well here is a strange phenomenon in my life…although I’m glad tomorrow is Friday and I am tired out so I’m looking forward to sabbath rest, I haven’t had a dread of each day as it’s coming. In fact I seem to be enjoying each day and living to the full each moment. It seems good to not just be wishing my week away to get to the weekend. It might be that the weekend used to hold a little more allure for me when Mark was with me…it was finally time we could have together…at this point the girls and I have a good amount of time together everyday so it doesnt’ seem to be as big a deal. Sometimes I think about my life a year ago and I am totally amazed at how I feel like I’m a totally different person…is that possible? My perspective has changed so much. I think back and often recollect what Mark and I would have been doing a year ago…I’m sure that will be a constant especially this first year. Sometimes I find myself thinking “I can’t believe this is my life” but more and more I also find myself thinking “this is my life and their’s nothing I can do about it so I might as well accept it and keep moving on.” That isn’t to say I’m turning off the loss, I still feel it everyday, I guess it’s to say more and more I’m accepting the loss and just realizing that although I will always carry the hole I can and need to keep living. This is an old saying but one I’ve recently put up on my wall, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I guess that about says it all for me. I hope that I show grace and serenity in dealing with the losses that I could do nothing about, I hope I have the courage and determination to keep moving forward and I hope I have wisdom in everything. Anyway…have a great sleep, I know I’m going to:)

Ruth

Hello…

Feeling a little tired tonight, it’s hump day:). It’s a good tired though…school has been going really well so far. I actually had the thought go through my mind on the way home from school today that I think I’m actually alright at teaching, I don’t know why this seemed like such a surprise but I guess I don’t see myself as a dynamo teacher and frankly teaching is not my “life” so I guess on the days I come home feeling good about myself as a teacher I’m surprised. I was reminded that “I can do all things through Christ…” it’s actually true. I think I was just feeling God confident realizing again that anywhere I’m placed whether it’s in the inner city, out in the cornfields, or inbetween, in kindergarten or any other grade up through middle school I can succeed in fact I will succeed. God helps me to think clearly to have wisdom that I know is not from me, He helps me to stay focused and keep everything in my head and right now He is greatly helping me learn the names of my many new students…that’s always a challenge. And I can’t tell you how just being positive at school has stood out in ways I never realized it would. Anyway those were my drive home thoughts….

The girls are enjoying making movies on an old video camera that I had. Their aunt Maryanne gave them a ton of dress up outfits and they are loving dressing up and acting crazy and recording it. Tonight is small group…I’m thankful to say I’ve had a lot more balance to my life this week and it feels good, hope I can continue. The weekend is fast approaching…hope your week is going well. And in answer to Star’s comment the other day I will try to take some pictures of the yard/landscaping and put them on this blog if only I can remember how to do it. For some reason my brain doesn’t soak in technology very well and Todd Linke is incredibly patient but I sure wish I felt a little more independent to figure things out…and remember how to do things on the computer…hopefully in time. In the mean time thanks Todd!

Ruth

Well I think the girls and I are getting back into the school year pretty well. We haven’t had many big plans lately, in fact we are currently watching the “Love Comes Softly” series of DVD’s when we have some free time which is nice and relaxing. Lydia has been struggling with allergies, I gave her some medicine today and somehow I picture her right now at school probably ready for a nap…hope her allergies will be over soon. They both seem happy with their teachers, friends, etc. Lauren is looking forward to joining fifth grade choir and band. Which makes the music teacher in me happy:). I’ve just taught back to back music classes, eight in a row with no break, am on lunch break and will then go back to the middle school to teach two 90 member sixth grade choirs. So far so good. Debbie Kanyo at the middle school is helping me with the sixth grade choir and it was an awesome thing to be able to pray together yesterday in the hot auditorium for the coming year. Mind you I teach at a public school:). We’ve almost made it through a whole week of reading through the bible and been consistent so far…I just pray and hope we can continue! It’s like going on a diet…it’s so hard to get the habit in place and I know one day off can get us totally off track.

Well here’s the new thing at my house…really impressive…I moved my ironing board to my front porch. Now I know that sounds crazy but I didn’t have any place to just leave it set up inside and it dawned on me that in the morning, early which is usually when I need it the front porch has a nice breeze that blows through and I can get fresh air and iron at the same time. It may be hard to picture…we have an enclosed porch so it’s not as if people going by look and wonder what in the world I’m thinking. Anyway…I considered it quite an ingenius idea:). There wasn’t anyone else around to tell me so I just told myself!! Hope you’re having a great week. The rain has been so nice lately, my flowers look happy!

Love,

Ruth