The Jackson Family Online

I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice…I think it’s an old movie but I’d never seen it before or read the book and wow…it was good. My kind of a movie…the only thing I hate about watching a movie like that is that is gets me all in the mood for some romance or something, then the movie ends and I find myself scrambling for hope that I have a future in that area. If nothing else…at least maybe in my dreams, right:). The girls aren’t home yet…and it’s going on 10pm but when my neighbor called at 8:30pm the parade hadn’t reached them yet…the girls had already been sitting for an hour waiting…I told Stacy that I’d take the next event so she could stay home and watch a movie and relax:). It’s so nice to have neighbors where we can have our kids go back and forth and I can occasionally give them a night off and they can occasionally give me a break. God is good and tonight I’m very thankful for Stacy and Jerrod…I’m hoping that I can get them to visit The Bridge at some point…would love to see them connect into a church again. Sweet Dreams…

Ruth

Happy Halloween…

Originally I thought I would take the girls down to the parade tonight…it’s tradition and I knew they would want to go…I was dreading it myself, nothing more lonely feeling than sitting in a huge crowd by yourself so to speak but I would have done it but…when the neighbors volunteered to take the girls with their two girls I saw a divine moment for me to be able to have a quiet night at home which is what really sounded good to me anyway so…they’ve all just headed out the door with glowsticks, bags to gather candy, coats, etc. in hand and I hope they have a great time I’m sure they will and I am relieved to be at home. I was also dreading trying to find a place to park etc. Parking lately for me has become more stressful…I have a bigger car these days and it sure seems like parking lots are getting smaller all the time or I’m just getting senile, who knows. Anyway…nothing else big today. I’m counting down until Thanksgiving break…school is going fine and in truth I guess I don’t want to rush anything since I still have a ways to go to get my kids ready for their programs but I’m just looking forward to a break away from it all with the girls and a new adventure. Hard to believe that in 20 days we’ll be heading out to Minnesota but I’m glad. Hope you all had a good day!

Love,

Ruth

One more thought…I’m tired…been staying up to late reading…just read through Amy Grant’s book called Mosaics, I always enjoy reading the life journey of other people and seeing how God walks us through good and bad days. I’m also currently reading Mark Hall’s book from Casting Crowns and that is really good as well…and in my car for when I get a chance to read I’m reading Denise Jackson’s book (Alan Jackson’s wife)”It’s all about Him”. I’m always drawn to learning more about other people and seeing how much we all have in common no matter where we live or what our status is. I missed my small group tonight…didn’t go last week because I was sick and tonight with Halloween we canceled…miss it. It’s been officially a year since we started meeting, hard to believe!

O.k. since you know most of my wierd quirks by now here’s one more to add to the pile…I get really excited about giving at Christmas time…Mark and I never waited til Christmas day to open gifts or have the girls open theirs. Most of the time truthfully we were out of town over Christmas so this was just a necessary thing but I don’t know if we would have made it to the 25th even if we had been home. Probably becuase I shop early and two months to wait to give seems like a long time. Also…convenient for me I guess at this point is the fact that if I did get a gift I usually picked it out myself, bought it and wrapped it myself, now I know that sounds less than exciting but it’s just the truth and I was o.k. with it and so was Mark, made things easier for him…get this…before we were married one year he had me wrap all my own gifts for myself without me realizing it by telling me they were gifts for coworkers…suddenly when those were the gifts being handed to me I knew I had been had:)…Anyway…like I said I adjusted to the plan and it was easier to try on stuff when you buy it rather than having to return stuff later so…tonight I bought myself my Christmas gift and I’m really excited about it. I have been talking about taking a little break for awhile and so I arranged for myself to go to a bed and breakfast in Grandville, Michigan for January 2 and 3rd. The place looks really relaxing…even a one person hot tub in the room (figured I could save a buck since I only need a one person situation at this point:)…plus they offered massages…definitely something that I jumped at. The thought of starting the new year off with some relaxing and pampering, time to think through life a little on my own, time to see a new place, to read a book, take a walk or whatever…sounds wonderful to me!! I love my kids, to the point where I truthfully rarely ever take time away from them…but they’ll be having a ball at grandparents houses and will probably enjoy a little time away from mom and like I said the time for me sounds like a slice of heaven. I tend to enjoy a little solitude from time to time anyway so…it’s the day before Halloween and I say Merry Christmas to me:). I have a feeling Mark would have been thrilled with my selection of a gift this year compared with some of the dumb stuff I’ve purchased in the past…and I don’t even have to wrap it up!! Thanks for letting me share with you…just had to tell somebody:)…

Ruth

Happy Tuesday…

Today started off early with me going in to accompany the honor choir before school with the girls in tow…so we made it to school by 7:15am which is pretty good for us and we actually all had eaten breakfast and looked presentable:)…Sarah had made us some delicious pumpkin/cinnamon chip muffins so that helped…Oh me of little baking knowledge I didn’t even realize that cinnamon chips existed but at the grocery store tonight I bought a bag…you never know when they might come in handy:). Anyway…it was a normal morning of singing through nine classes, thankfully my Christmas program stuff seems to be bumping along nicely. Had a nice lunch at Lori P.’s house today…she had made wonderful chili and even had bread bowls…felt like I was at a restaurant and the conversation is always good. Something I regularly look forward to. WHen I got back to school I took a quick walk in the park by my school. Some have told me that it’s not exactly the safest park but I figured oh why not…the truth is I used to walk in inner city St. Louis everyday on my lunch hour and I’m sure it was much more risky than the park next to my school so…anyway…I was enjoying the fall colors…and I’m so terrible at surprises so I’m just going to blurt it out in advance…the girls and I are getting family pictures taken on Monday, outside with all of the fall colors so I was trying to scope out if the park their would be a good place or not, trying to figure out outfits and any props we might want to use etc. I’m actually getting excited about the pictures and find it strangely symbolic that they are “fall” pictures. Our family pictures taken right before Mark’s surgery were awesome and just at the first point of spring which has it’s own beauty but in truth these pictures represent a new season in the girls and I life and somehow fall seems appropriate…o.k. I tend to overthink things but I guess I have plenty of time to do that…the awesome thing is that as I turned around on the path to walk back to school an unusual breeze came by a beautiful tree that I was walking by and all of a sudden I found myself walking through this “rain” of falling colored leaves. It was a beautiful moment and as I passed the tree it stopped almost as if it had just happened for me. Small moment but I felt God’s love and it was awesome!

Tonight Lydia was back to the dentist…she’s having a broken tooth pulled out on Thursday and Richard my old neighbor has graciously agreed to take her during school since I just couldn’t take another day off after two last week. Then it was a quick trip to get groceries and of course to get some candy for our trick or treaters coming by. The girls are the offical candy passer outers which is nice…Lydia is dressed up like a cheerleader (thanks to Mary Anne:), and Lauren has a spider web on her cheek and neck (artistic work done by me:). Tomorrow night we’ll head down to the Alton parade. Halloween isn’t a favorite holiday of mine but going to the parade has been our tradition since living in Alton so…if any of you are going that way let me know, it’s always more fun to sit with someone rather than just on our own. Mark used to make it a big affair where we would go early, set up our grill, cook a whole meal basically and have snacks galore. He loved that kind of stuff…food and friends and hanging out. At least the weather looks like it will be nice!

Hey I forgot to mention in my reading last night from Numbers…I was challenged and reminded again at how much care God took in taking care of the Levites, providing for them, etc. I mean a lot of chapters and verses are designated to telling the people how they were to provide for them and it reminded me that I think the principle still applies today, whether it’s october or not we need to appreciate, praise, build up, encourage, pray for, provide for, etc. our pastors. I grew up in a pastor’s home, married a pastor and I can tell you not only is the pay not great but the work is more stressful and involved than most know. And although many people grow up and stay in the area where there family is located to live and work rarely does it work that way for a Pastor and family so…I challenge you to pray, support, encourage and provide for your pastor, not becasue you have to but because you want to and God says He expects us to take care of our church leaders. Sometimes I like to just let my pastors know that I’m in their corner and will support them in whatever way I can…I’m available. Also…be committed to your church…be regular in attendance and tithing..these are all ways we support our leadership and honor God at the same time. I know it sounds preachy but just felt that it needed to be said. I believe that if you seek God He will let you know how best to support your pastor. I love the fact that my pastor drives Mark’s old car…it has been such a blessing to him and such a blessing for me to be able to see it put to good use.

Have a great night…

Love,

RUth

Happy Monday…

It’s been a different kind of a Monday for me…so nice to not have to rush off to school this morning. I started the day off with a doctor appointment instead…so thankful to be able to be seen quickly since the current cough/congestion problem I have is not getting any better…so I’m now on an antibiotic and also have some good cough medicine with codeine. Also ended up heading to the hospital for a chest xray…which as far as I know turned out fine. Sometimes I take for granted how well the girls are doing but when I mentioned that I needed to go to the hospital for an xray they immediately had some deep concerns…Lydia even asked me if I thought it was cancer…to which I was able to readily respond and ease her mind but still…neither wanted any part of going to a hospital. Later the girls and I had a beautiful lunch at The Bread Company…we’ve now ate three times outside at a particular table and so it’s kind of become our spot, will be sad when the weather doesn’t allow it anymore but something to look forward to when spring bumps back around. We all order the same thing everytime…it must be one of those experiences for us that is comfortable because it’s predictable and calm:). Then I dropped off the girls at Sarah’s and went to their parent teacher conferences. Started off with Lydia’s teacher…and I have to tell you I am so proud of Lydia…not only are her grades good but her teacher told me several times how much she can count on Lydia, count on her to know the answer, count on her as far as behavior and responsibility, etc. Music to my ears as a mom if you know what I mean. She told me that Lydia is “the top student” in her class. For a girl who is just six months out from having her world pulled out from under her I wanted to break out into praise to God, how else can that be explained but that God is a father to the fatherless. I am so proud of her and so grateful for her teacher. Then I went down to Lauren’s room and her teacher sang her praise as well. Lauren is one of only two students in her class to get all “A’s”. Lauren participates and shares in class discussion but knows when to be quiet as well…which if you’ve been around a fifth grade class is no small compliment, that’s huge. The teachers told me that Lauren is very responsible, self motivated, well prepared, etc. And when I asked about if she ever brings up her dad and that whole life changing situation they were able to tell me that yes she has brought it up and shared but doesn’t seem to dwell on it or get traumatized and in the process of talking I found out that her teacher had a life altering experience as a teenager when her parents both died within a year of each other when she was a senior in high school. We hugged…and immediately I knew that Lauren was in good hands and I encouraged her teacher to feel free to share that experience with lauren. Somehow…we tend to feel like we are alone in our loss and tend to feel isolated and “wierd” and yet as we open up we often realize that we all have experienced loss in some form or fashion and we can have a deeper level of connection with each other when we talk about it.I was so proud of Lauren and the lady she is fast turning into. God is unbelievably good and I am rejoicing today that my girls are not only surviving my single parenting but they’re honestly at the head of their class, their rising to the challenge…they’re stronger, have better character, are developing life skills that will make them successful for life, etc. in the face of the year’s loss. It had to be a two thumbs up day for Mark today…I only wish I could have shared my pride with him face to face but I’m thankful the memory is permanently etched in my mind of the young author’s conference the week before he died.

So now I sit at my own parent teacher conferences where I never or very rarely have a parent show up but it’s a great day to catch up on things around my own classroom. Today…I needed to catch up on my bible reading…I was beginning to get seriously behind…Reading through numbers has been fascinating to say the least!! I mean talking donkeys, the earth opening up and swallowing people,Moses finally get angry enough to get frustrated and hit a rock two times and after all that time to be denied entry into the promised land…, people being stoned for picking up sticks on the sabbath, frankly you can tell God had had enough with the children of Israel, they had broken the straw that breaks the camels back and next thing you know plagues are striking and thousands of people dying. More action and excitement in a few chapters than most movies have for a full show. Whenever I get done reading the Old Testament portion of my reading I am once again in deep gratitude for God’s grace!!

I have one more thing kind of on my mind, not sure why but here goes. Last night I stayed after church for a meeting at Emmanuel…we are doing a live Bethlehem event for Christmas which should be pretty cool, so we’re trying to plan for it, props, costumes, acting, etc. Somehow in attending their on Sunday nights Debbie asked me to be a shepherd and for whatever reason I said “sure, why not”. Not really even realizing what it was that I was signing up for. It’s really kind of a strange thing, going to The Bridge on Sunday mornings and Emmauel on Sunday nights but seems right for me and the girls at this time. Anyway…last night we were meeting and I was just trying to keep my cough under control, which I was barely able to do and in the midst of Debbie explaining each characters motivation and Jan showing us the costumes and that we would need to come up with some of our own stuff…Debbie mentioned my name for example that if I had too much to do and didn’t have time to make the costume they would help me out…it was a fairly big meeting and maybe it was the fact that I was leaned over at that point trying to stop coughing but I found it interesting that her mind went to my name…with too much on her plate or needing help…first off I love Debbie and don’t question her motivation for a moment…she loves me, so this wondering has nothing to do with her having a problem but it kind of sent my mind whirring…maybe becuase I type everyday about my life and am very open about stuff I seem fragile or overwhelmed…,Maybe people feel about me like I’ve often felt about others who have experienced loss, almost like you feel sorry for them but aren’t sure what to do around them, you want to comfort and fix but their’s no fix, maybe when I come into church I seem helter skelter…I usually have five girls in tow and for some reason even when I try hard we seem to walk in late, Maybe God knows I don’t have time and so he spoke my name into her ear, I’m not sure but like I said as I was gasping for air and praying that I could stop coughing soon I had all of these thoughts going through my mind…in the end when she mentioned my name I ended up trying to say something witty…wish I had been blessed with even half of Mark’s wit but no I don’t seem to have any of it…and between coughs I said something about “Debbie must be worried that I’ll show up in the wrong stuff for the costume of shepherd…” or something to that effect, I immediately felt bad that I had said anything…I knew Debbie’s heart and I knew she wasn’t trying to insult me but I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say at that point and I guess I just didn’t want everyone to feel sorry for me. I guess truthfully I pride myself a little on the fact that I am fairly capable…so afterwards I apologized to her and everything is fine and as I already said, I love Debbie and she’s an awesome woman of God so none of what I’m saying is to point a light on her, honestly it pointed a light back on me that stuck with me for awhile. Why do I care so much what others think of me? And what do others think of me? There’s this wierd area where I want people to know the girls and I have experienced dramatic life change this year and than this wierd area where I don’t want to seem as if I’m seeking extra attention or for a moment thinking that my life is somehow more important or that we’ve experienced more loss than anyone else out there. After church the girls and I went out to Steak and Shake with The Halls…which I have to say felt like a little bit of normal…and I was able to sit and listen to their life issues going on and I have to say it was so refreshing to hear the stuff going on in their lives, the struggles, good and bad, relationship issues etc. Sometimes I think people may believe that they don’t want to burden me or maybe they think that their stuff doesn’t compare with my stuff, or maybe they just don’t want to be open about it like I am, I don’t know but I honestly know I’m with good friends when we can have the back and forth conversations of struggle, parenting, marriage, life, etc. Thank you Jeff and Missi for giving me a piece of normal. We’re going to their house this friday night for a cookout…a frequent Friday night activity when mark was alive…I’m looking forward to Missi’s good food already and Jeff’s humor…blunt and brash just like I like it:).

Well this week is a busy week, they all are, I actually backed out of a couple of commitments trying to narrow down the “good” to the “best” of my time this week but by last night had already rebooked those time slots…what’s a girl to do:).

God is good and I am so thankful that when I get into my modes of thinking about what other people are thinking that I again realize someday that will all be history…isn’t heaven going to be great!

Hope your day was awesome! The fall colors are amazing!!

Love,

Ruth

It’s been a great Sunday…Stayed up way too late last night but had a surge or energy and decided to get some stuff done which made this morning nice to wake up to. Nothing like catching up on five loads of laundry and having it all folded ready to put away to make your day start off with a bang:). I’ve also been trying to help the girls memorize their verses for church so I was able to give that some thought and have an activity planned out for them when they woke up which seemed to go over well…wish I was more deliberate about those kind of things more often. Lauren woke up and the first thing she did was to go check on her painting:)…I am so happy that she’s happy about it if that makes sense. Church was good as always…our drama team is getting better everytime…it was like watching professionals today and the goal of the drama was totally on target with some humor in between…way to go!! I have to be honest for me it’s nice to be through the current series we have been doing at The Bridge…Pastor Ben has had some great sermons as always but nothing like going to a whole month of relationship sermons to make you painfully aware you’re not in a significant other relationship. I mean of course they could be generalized to all relationships to some degree but the stress was on marriage which is awesome and needed but lacking in my life. BUt the important thing is that I made it…:). Pastor Ben gets excited about Christmas like I do so we are next moving into some early preChristmas kind of sermons which should be great, what am I talking about I think every week is great!! This past week or for maybe longer you may have noticed a theme for me about realizing how much Mark loved me…it always amazes me but when I have those clear moments of feeling his care for me even now I’m overwhelmed I guess simply because he didn’t often express his love for me in the ways I was looking for…using words…this morning I was reminded during communion that I probably often don’t realize how much God loves me…I mean He doesn’t generally whisper sweet nothings into my ear or ask me for a dance in so many words but I was overwhelmed with the reality that God totally loves me and if I look for it just as I now do with Mark I can trace His love for me all over the place. I mean the fall colors driving back and forth to church were just shouting out His extravagent love for me…Lauren had her head down looking at a paper and I teased her a few times when beautiful trees went by on her side of the car…it was as if God was just trying to get her attention in a huge flamboyant way…at least that’s how I saw it:). I want to be more aware of His love for me. I know it sounds strange but literally I could picture God and I having a slow dance this morning while we sang “This is the air I breathe”…I didn’t do anything bizarre, at least I don’t think so but it was as if God walked up to me in that moment and said “I love you” in my ear and truthfully I just wanted to breathe Him in. When we were doing our responsive reading this morning before communion I was impressed at the words that Jesus “eagerly desired” to celebrate the Passover with the disciples before he was crucified. Knowing what was coming I found it incredible that the words “eager and desire” were used and yet the whole point is that the lover of our souls couldn’t wait to free us from the power of sin, pain is pain and I know there wasn’t anything pleasant about the garden and the trial and crucifixion but again I am overwhelmed at the fact that Jesus even in that moment was so full of love for me and you that he was eager to see His mission fulfilled on our behalf. What a great God we serve…how can we even possibly begin to comprehend His ways. I did enjoy the main closing point Pastor Ben had today about how often in relationships we expect the other person to change…they have to go first and then when we see something good from them we’ll change. He brought up the point that Jesus went first…he didn’t wait for us to change before He showed his greatest act of love and we are to live in the same way so I close with this challenge for you…in your relationships this week…go first…you make the changes you need to make, you reach out in love, you go the extra mile and don’t expect anything in return…after what Jesus did for us how can we call ourselves His followers if we can’t even do that with the people we are closest to…just a thought.

Hope your Sunday was great! Mine is even better knowing that I have no school tomorrow…just parent teacher conferences from 1-8pm!

Love,

RUth

It’s been a really nice day for me and the girls today…they started back into ice skating lessons today and then did the free skate time afterward so I read a book for three hours…actually I finished two books I had been partly through…one for fun (Nicholas Sparks, need I say more:) and then I finished my book for the ladies small group I’m in at Emmanuel on Sunday nights by Max Lucado…we were only supposed to read a couple of chapters but it was so good I just kept on reading and literally as I was reading the final page ice skating was over…so it was fun for the girls and relaxing for me. Then we came home and I spent the rest of the day slowly putting the house back in order…I rearranged the girls room last night so whenever I do that all of a sudden the rest of the house tends to get neglected and I get rid of more stuff in the process if possible…I had Lauren and Lydia researching our trip out west while I cleaned. They were having a ball…I told them some cities/states to research and they got on the internet and away they went. We made up a notebook and some folders for each different state we hope to visit and I must say I’m already impressed at the stuff they’re finding and just seeing them work together to plan such a big thing was awesome…can’t wait to actually hit the road and have them realize what an adventure they planned:). The girls then watched a movie and then Lauren and I actually sat down in the basement and I gave her a little art lesson and she water painted…pretty cool she was mixing colors, trying different brushes and tools and her painting is all her own work…something I think she can be proud of…She’s named it “God is watching over us.” All her own idea…The art time did lead into some pretty serious discussion between her and I…Lauren is a firstborn child and if that isn’t enough she has some of my dna in her and really struggles thinking she has to be perfect. Frankly she lives with a pretty intense mom and if you knew Mark well you know he could be pretty intense as well. Satan likes to get us playing tapes in our minds…we all have buttons he loves to push and for her the whole failure thing if she’s not perfect is a big one…so we had a good discussion…read Psalm 139 together and I was able to tell her about how Mark Hall from Casting Crowns wrote the song “Voice of Truth”, at the concert I picked up his Life Song book and the first chapter is about his own feelings of failure when he first went to college and was obviously in over his head…he talks about going to a chapel and basically crying and having it out with God, wanting to give up on the first day and it just so happens that there was a piano in the chapel so he went up to play the four chords he knew well and ended up writing the song “Voice of Truth”…can I just say thank you Jesus here…because that story was fresh in my mind I was able to take a person that Lauren really thinks is cool and help her to see how normal we all are…we all have those voices that want to bring us down…and she is really familiar with that song so she was able to connect immediately that God wants to tell us a different story. Before she went to bed I made her repeat after me…”I’m Lauren Jackson and I’m not perfect and that’s just fine with me.” and several other lines just to be a little silly. It was awesome to read Psalm 139 to her and explain to her that God knew every day of her life even before she was born, that He knows what she will say or think next even before she knows it…that He has numbered our days…we talked again about how we may have been surprised by dad’s departure…but God wasn’t. It’s a simple thing and yet I think most of us struggle realizing how much God loves us…I know I do. And I was able to quote several promises that God has made to us throughout the bible let alone the fact that I may not know much about heaven but I guarantee if their’s a way for Mark to have anything to say about it he’s covering Lauren and Lydia with all the love,prayer,protection, etc. that he can possibly do…and I often remind the girls…dad has a direct connection, face to face with God…Mark was never afraid to talk to anybody…I guarantee that he’s presented my girls case right to the throne of God. Which is awesome!! Anyway…it’s now going on 11pm and I’m almost done cleaning…just need to take care of a few piles of things, fold one more load of laundry and call it quits…

God is good…make sure the voices you’re hearing in your head are the truth…not just repeated lies that over time sound like the truth…God has a plan for your life, He loves you no matter what, He doesn’t make any junk!

Love,

Ruth

Good Morning…well Lauren actually ended up staying home with me last night which was fine…she was feeling kind of tired so we watched a movie, drank hot chocolate and then rearranged her bedroom…I know that sounds crazy but as I was waiting for Lydia to get home it was either do something or I’m going to collapse:). Lydia ended up staying the night at the neighbors house for a sleepover. I got a “Bronnor’s” catalog in the mail this week…for those of you who haven’t heard of them they are the biggest Christmas shop in maybe the world…I’m not sure…located in Frankenmuth, MI. Anyway I was purusing throught it (sure felt nice to use that word:)…although the spelling doesn’t look quite right…Back to the point…they have a paragraph in their catalog about the symbol of the Turtle…o.k. maybe it’s a little dorky but you know me it caught my eye and I think when you read the words you’ll see how much it describes Mark.

“Taking their homes with them wherever they go, turtles remind us to remember our roots while still welcoming new places and phases in life. They teach us to appreciate life’s simple, true necessities;shelter, food, drink, and most importantly, faith. The turtles’ slow gait requires the animal to have faith that it will eventually get where it is going and that its needs will be satisfied along the way.”

So if that doesn’t describe Mark to me I don’t know what does if you know what I mean…pretty cool.

Well we are off to piano lessons and ice skating this morning…so nice to be to the weekend!! Hope you have a great one…they’re all great remember:)

Love,

Ruth

I only had a certain amount of time before so I quickly typed and then had to run back to class so…I didnt’ proofread anything…I had a funny feeling that I might have made some wierd typos and when I read that the “guitar” prayed for the fatherless children I had to smirk…that would be the guitar player:). I have now listened to the John Waller CD and I have to tell you it’s awesome…go get it…I would compare him to Chris Tomlin and I truly believe that God may have wanted me at the concert simply to get me to be exposed to his music…I had seen his Cd in the stores but…without knowing him I hadn’t picked it up but once I realized his songs are strongly based on scripture I was hooked. The Blessing is the name of the CD and the song The Blessing is amazing!!!

Sarah Linke graciously offered to take Lauren and Lydia to glowfest tonight which is awesome for them because unless they had a bed available for me when I got there it wasn’t going to be happening if I had to take them…So I’m looking forward to a nice quiet night at home…a rarity for sure. Tomorrow is the normal piano lesson thing and the girls start back into ice skating…We were going to go out of town but have nixed those plans and I am instead headed to the doctor monday morning…got to get this croup/bronchitus/whatever it is thing under control or I will not survive:). Praise GOd Monday is Parent Teacher conference day so I have Monday morning off:). God is incredibly good…did you know that. I’ve told you one of my desires has been to write a book…only you always have to know the right person who knows the right person etc. to make that happen and I’ve realized as many of you have already alluded to that my book is being written even as I type this page…And God was the one who arranged that all…didn’t need to know someone big and famous after all:). I mean how many people can come home and type everyday and actually have at least a few people that care enough to read it. And truthfully what more would I want to leave behind anyway when I’m gone for my kids to see than my journey of faith in daily life. Concerts are great…church is great…I look up to a lot of people and like to read their books but ultimately I praise God that He goes with me wherever I go…and that’s all I really need anyway. So many people rely on others faith to bolster them along and yes we all need encouragement from time to time but…my faith and my personal relationship with God are alive and well…He does walk and talk with me and sometimes I even talk out loud back to him in public places and unless someone suddenly gives me a wierd look than I feel just fine with that. We can choose to be a blessing or a curse, to speak truth and love into our world or to tear it up and speak evil…At my heart level…I understand the choice and more than anything want to be a blessing…that’s my prayer.

Sorry for the extension…just felt a little cut off before…can you understand why Mark didnt’ need to to a whole lot of talking in our home:)…He would just occasionally agree or disagree:)…I can remember him saying when I would start off a conversation “You know…” or “Guess what” or “Did you know…” I don’t but I soon will…he knew trying to stop my flow of words was like trying to fill in all the leaks on a sinking boat I guess so either he had just resigned himself to it or maybe just maybe he actually enjoyed my thoughts along the way…I will choose to believe the latter…at least most of the time:).

Love,

Ruth

O.K. I promise I’m done for tonight!

After hibernating for most of the week with fever/chills/aches/Lauren sick, and now what seems to be bronchitus it almost felt like I was coming out of hibernation yesterday to get back into my normal routine…As usual I hit it hard and heavy…nine classes back to back…I have to admit I had enough sense at this point to pull out some coloring sheets and a video for them to sing along with, those nine classes are taxing on a normal day let alone when I have little to no voice…and had the ghostbusters them playing in the background down in the p.e. area. There are times when I just have to shake my head and wonder but oh well…made it through the morning…and frankly I wasn’t sure where I had picked up the sudden sickness but after those classes when it seemed like every other child was coughing and sick I figured it out pretty good…usually my immunity is built up enough I don’t catch the stuff anymore…but I guess not this year. As I already told you I ran out and bought a leather coat yesterday on my lunch time and I have to tell you I love it already…I always pictured leather feeling cold but it’s been exactly the right thing for these past wet/cold days, makes me feel sleek and debonair as well as an added side benefit…well maybe not but I thought I would throw that in there for fun. Went to my sixth grade choir classes yesterday and actually thought I could do my normal sing and talk over them deal…that train had to stop fast…It’s amazing how much they all seem like they miss me and care and then keep talking, talking and talking some more, chorus students are notorious for their talking…Today my plan is to keep the music pumping…they can put all their energy into singing, singing and more singing. There’s no doubt the weather/sickness/etc. have effected the mood for everyone at school…I can tell it hasn’t been a great week for anybody…

Immediately after school I ran home to pick up the girls to go to the concert, Sarah graciously brought them home instead of me having to pick them up at her house to save us a few minutes which as you will see later was truly a God thing…I hauled the trash out before we left…I only mention this minute detail to let you know again how much my life has changed…not complaining but it’s just the truth…in the rain no less, figured that was probably good for the whole cough and cold thing:). The girls and I got real far down the road before stopping for dinner…Applebees on Homer Adams…maybe a mile from home:). While we were sitting there I realized I wasn’t feeling too hot in fact probably the opposite I realized I was feeling overally hot…and wouldn’t you know Lydia reminded me that I have a handy dandy kit of disposable thermometers in my purse and I might as well check my temperature right there…believe me we have more medical stuff at our disposal now than a year ago that’s for sure…After taking it and realizing that it appeared to be showing a temp of 103 it dawned on me that the logical thing would be for me to crush the girls hopes and go home and put on some p.j.s and go to bed for the night…the thought crossed my mind for a brief moment but no…I realized with foresight that I had tylenol in the car and surely if I took some that should be enough to get me back and forth, home by midnight safe and sound. So…the show went on:). At this point I was still telling the girls that we wouldn’t worry about the whole meet and greet thing with the band…frankly I didn’t want to take a chance that anybody would get sick becuase of us, but the girls were still hopeful. We were cruising along trying to do homework in the car…can I just say it’s a real challenge to drive, be sick,and help kids with homework at the same time…eventually we just shut that down and said forget it. Fortunately we made pretty good time and by 6pm we were pulling into Springfield…I had never been to the concert place before but had my trusty mapquest directions…and when we found our street Myrtle (rhymes with turtle:), the first time by I considered it a God moment. Just before we reached the place we were starting to second guess ourselves a bit so I stopped at a gas station which was comical…nothing like asking people who barely speak english for directions…it always amazes me how you can be within two or three blocks of something and have no idea that it’s even there…the girls and I hopped back into the car after having a lovely grosser than gross gas station bathroom moment and decided to just keep going down the same road and see what would happen…and lo and behold if that convention center wasn’t literally  two blocks down from that gas station as clear as day, I was praising God already and so was Lauren, I tend to freak her out when we go to new places…we pulled into this lovely parking lot at least it seemed lovely at the time, lots of room, I pulled through, with the idea it should be easy to get out…(I’ll come back to that later:). We made it in to the center got our meet and greet passes and literally it was like everything was timed perfectly…a God thing for sure. The band Leeland came by…I’ve never heard of them but they were pretty good and very nice…and then Casting Crowns came by and we snapped a few pictures, the girls had them sign their concert books, etc. I love the fact that the seem like the most down to earth people there is…I mean the one girl had her toddler hanging off of her while she was trying to sign and I thought “if that isn’t for real…I don’t know what is:)”. I was happy the girls had their moment, I knew it meant a lot to them. And our seats…well I don’t think we’ve ever had better seats…second row and we didnt’ even have to crawl over a bunch of people…we were on the end, absolutely perfect…and the couple in front of us when people stood up and Lydia couldn’t see they let her come up and stand in front of them, which I thought was pretty nice!! The concert was great…And frankly the way my week had been going I had a lot of determination in me that come hell or high water me and the girls would be there…the tickets were purchased and given to me on my anniversary…I knew the music and time would speak to my soul…and for some reason I just had this wierd feeling that life was trying to pull me from going. One thing I’ve learned about myself in this past six months…I always knew I was determined, persistent, intense, etc. but I’m telling you I’ve really developed a “bring it on” kind of attitude in my soul. I’m not bitter or angry about it but simply…recklessly abandoned…what have I got to lose kind of an attitude…So the challenges of the week, the journey their made it all the more something I was determined to do. Running into Eric and Brenda Bruder was a great treat…Brenda even graciously smelled my leather jacket:). I love those guys and they so love my family…it’s an amazing thing to be brothers and sisters in Christ! If you’ve heard much of Casting Crowns music you know how much it can speak to your soul, as they say they don’t beat around the bush…they pretty much come out and say it like it is…and frankly that’s exactly where I am in my life…and I loved the fact that at the end of the show the band members came out sat on stools…everyone of them and prayed individually for the audience…it was such a blessing to hear how much they were concerned about the young men in the room, those in ministry, the marriages represented, those dealing with addictions, moms, the lost, and the one that got me was when the guitar prayed about those children who are fatherless…I mean he referenced fathers who have left becuase of divorce or simply are in the home but not involved in their kids lives but I also felt it was a prayer that covered my kids…and immediately it was as if God whispered into my soul “I am the God who sees.”

Concerts are a big deal for the Jackson family…always have been…Mark and I dated going to concerts…when we had little to no money we found ways to come up with money to go to concerts and took our kids at young ages…I’ve been having a lot of dejavu lately and realizing that for me obviously the next chapter of grief is reliving and unpacking the events, feelings and thoughts that I experienced a year ago…ironically enough Mark and I and the girls were at a Barlowe Girl Concert last year on this same weekend…the reality of that was incredible for me. The sickness this week was an unbelievable thing to stir up memories of last year at this time. And when I looked up at this band/group of youth ministry pastors who get together and do music, I could so see Mark having done something like that if life on earth would have allowed it…Mark loved music…and as I watched last night I felt a bond with him and with God…knowing that our greatest dreams and passions on this earth are surely intensified in the next. It was a good night…I cried a few tears:). The girls got T shirts which they’re excited about and wearing today…Lydia was adorable, saw the price of the tshirt and said it was o.k. if she didn’t get it since it was a lot of money…I’m grateful that even though our financial situation has changed somewhat she doesn’t take it for granted and has her priorities right. I purchased a book written by Mark Hall…becuase I surely don’t have enough books to read already:)…it just looked inspiring. I also purchased a new CD by John Waller…at least I think that’s his name, he opened the show and I liked some of his music, thought I would give him a chance…and frankly I knew Mark would have encouraged me to try him out…he broadened me musically in ways I’ll never know…helped me to change the CD once in awhile when I would get stuck in a rut:).

Back to the parking lot…I didn’t envision that people would parrell park in front of my car so that the space to pull out was miniscule and I know have a sizable car…I literally got in and out of my car close to 5 times, pulled forward and back easily a dozen times and considered asking a stranger to try and get my car out…I was terrified I was going to hit the car next to me…somehow through the grace of God I finally got out without a scratch…wow…a little stress for the road…another huge change, I’m sure Mark would have cleared out of there with no problems at all, I just didnt’ trust myself. The girls fell asleep and I drove the quiet road home…

A couple of thoughts from this week…I need to take the whole issue of “rest” “Sabbath rest” more seriously…I have to wonder if I actually followed God’s principals here if I would have been sick this week, even so I know my body is calling for me to honor God here. I also have to realize that when Mark died my initial feelings were of relief…he couldnt’ take anymore, I couldn’t take anymore, the girls couldn’t take anymore etc. financially we experienced some relief, summer came…and I was in that surreal time when I found myself walking around saying “Did that really just happen”…It’s only now six months later that I find myself unpacking the luggage so to speak, taking one thing out a time, a memory their a memory here and looking at it again and trying to piece together what just happened to me and my family. God knows I couldn’t handle the whole uhaul of stuff this summer…and frankly it’s as if someone is carrying in one box at a time and I’m unpacking the stuff…seeing it for what it really was and is. Some of the stuff brings back good memories, some not so good…but all the same it all needs to be unpacked. I’ve usually been one of those people who moves and unpacks and has everything up on the walls, boxes gone in a day, just ask anyone who’s ever seen me move…it’s true…especially when I’m nine months pregnant…done that two times:)…but this time it’s not that kind of a deal…I sense that I just need to take my time…eventually I want the boxes out but…the memories are too precious for me to be in a hurry…and I have to decided what I want to hold on to…what is best to forget and let go, I have to be amazed at the treasures I find along the way…a leather coat yesterday:), that’s the phase I’m in…it’s not pretty…and frankly it’s a little exhausting at times but I”m ready to face it…one box at a time and I’m thankful that I can write about it…I can guarantee you that the next six months for me are going to be walking down memory lane…I can feel it already…hope it doesn’t get old to you…I guess if it does feel free to delete, I won’t take it personal:). I still shake my head sometimes and smile and realize that man…he really loved me…men do you know how much your wife craves to know that you love her…for some reason this is so hard for men to express and so needed…I’m finding that in the boxes I unpacked this week…my man loved me…and I have a feeling he still does:).I know I love him!

Love,

RUth