The Jackson Family Online

Happy Friday…

Today has been a good day overall…I guess they all are but you know what I mean. I’ve been reading through the Bible this year as you probably already know so I generally read several verses at a time, it’s always interesting to me what stands out, sometimes it’s a repeated theme (I am the Lord Your God…Remember how I brought you out of Egypt, for example), sometimes it’s a new thought about an old story, one I’ve heard since I was a child, sometimes it’s a verse that I had forgotten about and sometimes it’s a completely new one that I don’t ever remember reading before…today seven words out of all the verses I read caught my attention. Psalm 86 verse 11b says “Unite my heart to fear Your name.” Nothing huge right?!? But the whole uniting my heart theme has been interesting for me to consider today. So many times it seems like my heart is going in about a million directions, my kids, my work, my church, the world, the lost, my family, my friends, etc. on and on. I had already been thinking about the verses that say “Love the Lord your God with all your heart…” so when I read this verse today about uniting my heart it stood out to me…I want to be a person whose heart is singly focused on God, not a person who is focused on “My hopes and dreams, My plans and aspirations, my goals and thoughts, my feelings and wishes…” and then the whole object of my heart being united is to fear His name…I’m still pondering what that means for me. But again, I encourage you to be in the Word, you never know what will speak to you on any given day…could be a whole book, a chapter, a section or even seven words but you’ll never know unless you’re in the bible regularly.

The girls and I were back down to Saturn today and low and behold our tire pressure problem has been taken care of:). Then we ran a few errands around Fairview Heights, made a few returns and ended up hanging out at Borders bookstore, it’s so nice to have children old enough that they can pick out a book, hang out in the kids area and actually read while I look around at the same time. Lydia has been really big into books that are historical so she picked up a couple…one about the Salem witch trials…that should be interesting and then one called “A Gathering of Days” about a New England Girl from 1830-1832. Lauren who is ever researching some topic or another picked up The Ultimate Handbook on all of the Littlest Pet Shop characters…I picked up a book called “The River of Doubt” and then in italics it says Theodore Roosevelt’s Darkest Journey…now if that doesn’t sound exciting I dont’ know what is:). I love to read and I’m finding that now that we hardly ever watch TV…the girls are enjoying reading more too. Honestly there is not a current sitcom, or regular show that we are current with, we do watch an occasional movie but that’s it. The amazing thing is realizing how much more my mind is available for good books, music, thoughts, etc. Real Life!!

On the way home tonight we talked about dreams. I asked the girls individually about what they dream of doing some day, and the related details, just curious to see if they have a dream. I was surprised, pleasantly when Lydia said that she wants to adopt children (a multitude of children from what she talked about:). Her heart is huge and she cares about those who are abandoned, hurting, etc. so once she said it, it rang true to my heart about what I see in her. I told her that as she grows up and finds a man someday…she’ll want to make sure she shares that dream with him…make sure he’s on board:). I’d love to see her go for her dream and I will support her in any way I can. Lauren is much more specific in her dreams, outlining them from the college years on:). She would like to work part time…wants to have a couple of children and seems to be very clear about what kind of man she wants to hook up with someday…and I’m so glad she knows herself well enough to know that she wants to have a caring, loving man, a man who won’t be a workaholic, a man who loves God, a man who is relaxed and really involved with the kids. I don’t know how to describe the feeling I had when she was talking except to say that I think it’s a gift that she is already that clear on what she is looking for..she even mentioned a few names of guys she respects and thinks would make a good man and I have to admit…I was able to give her two thumbs up on her choices:). In the book The Ultimate Gift, one of the chapters is about the Gift of Dreams…In it the author talks about how dreams should belong to you…they are custom fit to your personality and grow and develop as you do. The only person who needs to be passionate about your dream is you. In a dream one must assume everything is possible. Tonight in talking with my girls I was glad to hear that they have dreams. Lauren has got to have a place in her life where she will be able to use her gift of researching..I’m curious to see where that is and Lydia has got to have a place in her life where she will be able to use her tender heart to help people…And my dream is to be able to support them and nurture them along in their dreams in any way that I can…Lydia asked if I would even be willing to babysit for 20 adopted children and I assured her that I would be up to the task:). I also had an opportunity to share with them my dreams for my personal future…what I would want in a relationship, we were able to talk honestly about the good and bad in my relationship with Mark and able to talk about how no matter what our list of the perfect person would be, no one is perfect Praise God since we aren’t either:). So now…these dreams are in the hands of God, I’m fascinated to see how God fulfills His dreams for our lives in bigger and better ways than we can even imagine. 

I’m also realizing that another month has almost gone by…December 5th will be here before you know it…before you know it I will actually be able to read exactly what I was feeling and thinking a year ago since I started blogging in January of 2007, should be interesting…I’ve always journaled here and there but never quite as thoroughly and regularly as this past year. I’m grateful to be able to look back on the journey and remember what God has done…would encourage all of you to do the same. We so easily forget God’s goodness and provision.

Have a great weekend…looks pretty relaxing for us. Ice skating in the morning…the girls are going out to lunch for fun with Vicki Hattemer and then I have a Bethlehem meeting tomorrow night but besides that nothing big. Which sounds wonderful:). Monday starts my week of Christmas Programs…it will be nice to get them done for another year. Amazing how much work and effort goes into them for a 30-60 minutes event…Just the nature of the job.

Love,

Ruth 

Second dress rehearsal was much better…praise God. And I took another quick nap during lunch today, I sense a pattern starting… I was never one to take short naps…Mark enjoyed them, 15 minutes and he was good to go, lately I’m finding that I’m the same way. We’re having a relaxing night at home, pizza and popcorn, should pick up a little but I think I may just say “it can wait” and sit down and actually use the furniture that it seems like only our cats use and watch a movie with the girls. Tomorrow is a half day for the kids which is nice, meetings for me in the afternoon and then we make the trip to Saturn again…and of course tie in a few errands as well. Hope you all have a great Friday…and if you read A.J.’s comment about my last post, I was surprised she made the same connection I made but just didn’t type about it…very true and isn’t it amazing how applicable life is to spiritual things if we’re looking for it.

Love,

Ruth

Are you amazed…this was really short:)

Quick note…

If having a bad dress rehearsal is a good sign for the program like they say then I should have an out of this world program on Tuesday:)…wow I hate dress rehearsals, trying to get everyone into the right place and why do we always feel like we have something to talk about!!! I restrained myself but if I had a roll of tape around I might have had to put it to good use:). Not really but you get the point…anyway…on to dress rehearsal number two this afternoon, praise God there are no speaking parts, as long as the music keeps playing everything seems to go fine, it’s the inbetween times that are a pain. When I taught in the innercity of St. Louis for a year I learned to keep the music going from the first minute they walked in until the last minute they left, as long as their was never a pause their were no opportunities to get off track. Anyway…hope your day is going well. I am so glad to have a night at home tonight:)!

Ruth

Wow what a day…I have been blogging long enough now that it’s almost as if when I’m going through my day my mind is always thinking and putting things into the folder in my brain so that I can write about them later…somedays the file folder seems full even before the school day begins…today was one of those days. Everything was running beautifully…even put a necklace on Lydia and a little makeup for fun (that’s when you know I actually had extra time this morning)…however when Lydia went to do her piano practice we hit a snag. I always have her do her piano in the morning simply because it makes the evenings a little more manageable. She has been working on a piece for a couple of weeks now and the timing of it has been a problem, Todd graciously loaned her a metronome to keep the beat and hear it…the problem is that she just keeps marching on playing it in her own rhythm anyway. At this point since I’ve been singing the song to her, counting it out for her, etc. for a couple of weeks I realized this morning it wasn’t a point of not knowing how to play it…it was plain out stubbornness…the same old issue where my kids ask for help but don’t want the help when it’s given kind of thing. That little scenario somehow escalated to the point where I made a pretty bold decision…a “Mark” decision. When it was time to pull out to go to school, I said…”we’re leaving” headed to the car and Lauren got in but no Lydia…she was still having a fit about something. Lauren asked me whether or not I was actually going to pull out and leave Lydia behind…that’s always the question isn’t it, whether the consequence will actually happen or not and today I had assured Lydia that I could outlast her, and that she might as well know that I would win everytime when it comes to who’s in charge in this home so…I had to pull out without her. God was watching closely over the situation and I knew I was doing the right thing but wow He sure is amazing, when we got to school which was basically just around the curve from my house as we walked in I noticed that Lauren didn’t have her glasses on. It’s the first time this year that she’s forgotten to put them on. At this point I was wondering what Lydia was thinking or doing…didn’t know if she might just decide to walk to school or what. But when I saw Lauren didn’t have her glasses on and I had time to go home before I had a class I knew that I would give Lydia one more chance since I had an excuse to go home. By the time I ran home…Lydia had about 10 minutes by herself to think things through, initially I’m sure she thought that I would just go around the block or something and be back to get her…but it ended up being just the right amount of time where she wasn’t hysterical and yet she got the point. I can’t describe the change in her but their was a change…she rode back to school with me and on the way we made a lunch appointment for me to pick her up and take her out so we could “debrief,” talk about what had occured, by this time she was open to that and I think she pretty much knew it was coming. And again somehow God miraculously took a rough situation and turned it into something beautiful. Mark was so good at setting clear and consistent boundaries for the girls and Lydia has a personality that clearly needs them to be set. She bucks against it but in the end feels loved when I won’t back down, thankfully I’ve been teaching long enough and been a parent long enough to have a stubborn streak in me that says “I won’t back down either”. Loving a child is no easy task at times and not a job for the faint of heart. It was almost comical when I walked into school for the first time and people asked the familiar greeting “How are you…” etc. I said the required answer…didn’t think I should tell them I just left my eight year old child at home:).

Tonight was small group and I know I sound like a broken record but it was good for me as always. I love how messy life is for Hillary and Amy:)…so glad to know that I’m not in the mess alone:).

On the way home tonight I was thinking, big surprise I know…I have this wierd gift…and I think it’s somewhat of a spiritual gift, I don’t think it shows up on any of the listings in the bible, like teaching and preaching but still I think it’s a gift from God, I just don’t know what to call it.

So here it is…if you know me…(if you’ve been reading for long, you do), than you know I am a nut about organizing, rearranging, remodeling, projects, cleaning, etc. I wish I had pictures that I could show you of the crazy things Mark has walked in to over the years. But here are a few descriptions. I’ll never forget the night I was trying to move our bulky loveseat down the basement stairs…I worked and worked on the thing and ended up getting it completely wedged in the stairway, couldn’t move the dumb thing up or down…that’s what Mark walked into, to his credit he didn’t say much and got it down the stairs for me. You all know by now the wall story, he pulled in on a Friday night after having VBS all week and when he pulled in he could see through the wall into the kitchen becuase their was a hole in the wall…that one pushed him a little over the edge but still to his credit, he didn’t blow up, just said “I’m going to bed”. Then their was the time just last winter when I thought for sure I could have the disaster all cleaned up and together before he came home but he happened to pop in earlier than I expected and I was at the full height of changing the girls into our bedroom and our stuff in to their bedroom which basically meant their was books, clothes, furniture, beds everywhere in the house, you couldn’t even make a trail through the house. Again, to his credit, he just looked at me, didn’t say a word and I assured him I would have it all together when he came back home. The truth is over the years Mark knew that I made some pretty big messes and I was constantly moving stuff but he also knew that I wouldn’t stop half way through the project, he knew that it might kill me but it would be finished and I wouldn’t rest until it was. He’s woke up to the sound of me sanding drywall at 3am in the morning…I didn’t want to take any time away from family time over the weekend so I decided to get the work done in the middle of the night:). And when people do make or give me a piece of furniture they make sure it’s movable (Just ask Mel and Sue Harris:)…because they know it will get moved. To increase the movement options I have no carpet…which reminds me of the time when I ripped all the old carpets out of this house thinking I would refinish the wood floors underneath…my house is generally pretty clean but when I’m in a remodeling/reorganizing mode wow I can stir up some pretty good disaster areas. HOwever…I’m almost always satisfied with the effort put in and I always feel good about the fact that as I move stuff around I get a chance to clean the house better and usually find a few treasures we have been looking for.

O.k. so my thought on the spiritual gift thing is that I realized on the way home tonight, what I do with physical stuff, furniture, homes, landscaping, etc. is the same way I operate in relationships. If you’re close to me you know that I like to “move things around” to ask questions, to dig deeper, I like to see things come to the light, I enjoy seeing the potential and am constantly trying to come to a deeper understanding of people and myself as well. It could seem that I’m discontent and I’ve been accused of that a time or two but truthfully for the most part I feel that I have this urge/longing to see people deal with the “stuff” in their lives…to talk about it, move it around, get rid of the trash, see the potential that may be going untapped…to clean out areas where dirt/sin has been allowed to enter. I’m rarely afraid of things getting messy in my relationships…when I sense that through the mess something beautiful will be discovered. And although I probably error on the side of forcing things at times…it’s more out of the reality that when I commit to the project, the relationship, the process than I commit to putting the sweat, blood and tears into it to see it through. Just as I related my story of Lydia and I this morning…I have to tell you my parenting isn’t a pretty picture…it’s often very messy…but I find I’m constantly looking at both of my girls and seeing them or at least trying to see their gifts and abilities, trying to bring out the best in them, and to shore them up in weak areas. And this morning was just a typical kind of thing for me…messy moving around, the discovery of stubborn sin and the need to do some cleaning out, and then the beautiful results of having the relationship restored and all the stronger for going through the experience. So…I’m not sure what this is all called, but I think it’s my spiritual gift.

Anyway…time to collapse, their’s some funny ”bug” going around that’s causing serious headaches lately. I had one at lunch, and actually laid my head down on my desk at school for about a twenty minutes to take a cat nap out of exhaustion, couldn’t explain it but after the nap I felt better…tonight Lauren had a really bad headache so I’m hoping that the rest she has tonight will help her feel better in the morning. Tomorrow I have two dress rehearsals at two different schools, I’m definitely in the height of my Christmas program preparations. And I noticed tomorrow night the girls and I have nothing on our schedule…we’ve all decided already that when we get home from school we’re putting on the p.j.’s and chilling out at home, a slice of heaven right there! Speaking of…did any of you see the sun rise today, it was absolutely beautiful, sometimes God is just plain out flashy with his love:)

Love,

Ruth

 

Hope your Tuesday was great…mine has been busy singing, singing, singing…well you get the point:). The girls are at a pottery class at the moment making holiday lanterns which should be fun. So I have a quick hour at home to get a few things done before the normal homework/dinner/music thing. I think we are having a more relaxing evening tonight:). Thank you for your offers/help on my tire situation…I’m going to take you up on it…Mel I’ll be in tomorrow:). I didn’t end up getting on the treadmill last night but will definitely tonight. Last night I had to put my house back in order after fitting in a treadmill into the front room of my house which is now a living/dining/music/computer/excercise room I have to say I think I’ve maxed out the space but in a good way:). Today had a great lunch with Lori which is always nice…I’ve been to the Bread Company enough lately I should be getting to know the workers on a first name basis…I love that place and so do my girls. Anyway…I continue to read the book The Ultimate Gift. If you haven’t read it yet you need to and good news it’s a very fast read…few pages, short chapters, easy reading but wow…so good. So far the issues of work, money, problems, friends, knowledge and learning have all been brought up. The whole premise of the book is an old man who dies trying to teach his rich great nephew to have core values that he doesn’t seem to have because of being handed everything on a silver spoon so to speak. It’s also in a movie format but I want to finish the book before I see that. (I’m just going to be honest here…if you want to buy the book in Alton I would get it soon…I feel an urge coming on to pass it out far and wide and I could very well on a whim go in and buy them up so…you’ve all had fair warning:)

For some reason I’ve had the verses “Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, your soul, your mind and your strength and Love your neighbor as yourself.” in my mind, mulling them around. I’m always trying to stream line my life so to speak, to be intentional but keep things simple and clear and these verses seem to be helping me or challenging me to do just that in my own life and to be intentional about it in my girls lives. I mean what does loving God with all your heart look like in practical terms, what about your soul, your mind and your strength…I’m trying to come to a clearer picture of what that would look like, sound like, feel like, smell like:). And loving my neighbor as myself…well I’m trying to live that way personally and show my girls at the same time what that looks like.

So between the book I’m reading and these verses I’m formulating a plan of action (doesn’t that sound exciting) in my mind for myself and my girls to be more intentional about life. I find that so much of my life goes by without any real meaning or purpose when I’m not intentional about it so…that’s what’s going on in my mind today.

Here’s a wierd thing…whenever I post to this blog the word I click on is “Publish”…I was thinking about that today and my desire to write a book…etc. and it occured to me that God has a great sense of humor…I’m literally “publishing” everyday…and truthfully who knows maybe the far reaching consequences/impact are much more through this mode than through a traditional one…Every once in awhile I feel this urge to say…if you read this blog leave your name on it at least so I know when I see you in person that I’m not just repeating the same info to you, that you’ve already read my thoughts…

I appreciate that you care and hope that you find some encouragement for your own journey as you are open to reading about mine.

Love,

Ruth

The kids are in bed and asleep and as I’ve just reread what I previously wrote I realize that I need to apologize. I tend to create my own stressful situations and then reap the consequences of what I’ve “sown”. The truth is that I have no business complaining about gas and atm cards or drive thru windows. In the scheme of life these things obviously matter very little. Today my niece Courtney had some major surgery in Chicago on her mouth and hip. She was born with a cleft palate and today had her jaw broken and some skin grafts from her hip were used to help her mouth area (I’m not even quite sure of all the details.) The surgery is over and as far as I can understand all went well…but I can’t even imagine what kind of pain she is in tonight in ICU and her mom and dad are there for the week with her trying to help her through…she is unable to talk or eat anything…just a liquid diet. Please pray for her this week…she’s a senior in high school and no matter how prepared you think you are for surgery the first few days afterwards are rough. Please pray that her pain will be able to be kept under some form of reasonable control and that she will rest well.

I also found out today that one of my students in choir had a major tragedy this weekend…her dad passed away on Thanksgiving Day from some condition that he had been struggling with for some time. I didn’t even realize that her dad was sick let alone that he was close to dying. She is a sixth grade student…and it all hits close to home for me…I pray and hope that I will be able to give her some comfort in the coming days and that she will more importantly feel God’s comfort in her life.

Today I called Saturn…it was time to schedule an oil change…and as I’ve already mentioned the tire pressure light has been on for quite awhile now…I mentioned this to the service lady and she made me aware that I could have the message go off if I pushed the odometer button and low and behold it did go off so that I could see the milage, how could I be so incredibly clueless I don’t know….she then told me that I could always have my “husband” go down and fill up my tires before Friday when I’m scheduled for my oil change so that I could take care of the problem before Friday if I wanted to…A lot of times I don’t even try to clear up the misconception…it just makes the other person feel bad and starts a long conversation that I don’t always feel like bringing up but today…I knew it had to be dealt with…I’m going to be going to Saturn a lot and don’t want to keep dealing with this misunderstanding so I pretty much told her that wouldn’t be possible since my husband had passed away. It was almost comical in a wierd way…becuase I knew I had completely shocked her and yet I have to give her credit because she and I were then able to have a good conversation as regular people, not just me trying to have a service done but as real people who have real lives and in truth she seemed really comfortable and accepting to know me better and to be able to relate to me better…after all she will be seeing a lot of me over the next couple of years I’m sure. I wish I had a clue about tire pressure and how to measure it but since I don’t I explained to her that in my ineptness even though my “fuel efficiency” is being effected at least that’s what I keep hearing…I’ll just wait til Friday to have them check it out for me.

Anyway…the point is…I let some small stuff get under my skin this afternoon and I shouldn’t have…I apologize and regret that I even pushed send…I can guarantee their’s a lot of big stuff going on in all of your lives and I really sounded yuck earlier and that breaks my heart…God has been unbelievably good to me and I desire to bring Him honor and glory in the big and little things of life.

Sincerely,

Ruth

Life has a way of hitting you in the face after a vacation and that’s definitely how I feel today. The school day was fine, no major upsets or situations, in fact my sixth grade choir sounds half way decent which is a gift at this point in our preparations…makes me think that maybe me, Kathy and Debbie might have a clue as to what we’re doing after all:). O.k. I know we do but it’s nice to hear the confirmation…

The hard part of my day happened after school…again as usual I was just trying to pack too much in…over lunch I ran a few errands…made some major decisions about the directions and goals I want to help my kids pursue and decided to start implementing them today…sound crazy…pretty much. I told Lauren that I had something crazy happen to me and she literally said “Mom, you have something crazy happen to you everyday.” I realized she’s probably right:)…that sure tells you something about who I am. Anyway…after school Lydia had violen lessons but before she had those I decided to try and pick up the treadmill that I had purchased earlier in the day…it didn’t quite fit in my vehicle by about six inches which ended up being a blessing in disguise…so I called up Mel Harris to see if he could help me out with his pick up truck, thankfully Mel was free along with Melissa…so after dropping off Lydia at lessons and having a half hour of time to run to Sears…I met up with Mel loaded up the treadmill and then ran back to pick up Lydia from lessons…the only snag was that my fuel was basically on empty…not a big problem except that for whatever reason my ATM card wouldn’t work and I had no cash on me…after trying two different pumps, going inside the station and then realizing I had no other alternative I ran to pick up Lydia from lessons, praying that my gas wouldn’t run out and fuming that my card hadn’t worked…after picking her up I ran to the bank where I had no problem pulling out cash so that I could run back to a gas station to get gas where again my card didn’t work, however this time I had cash…so that I could then run home to meet mel to unload the treadmill since he had been waiting for my return at this point for 45 minutes. I know this whole saga with gas and an atm card sounds small and it was but sometimes it’s the small stuff that breaks the camels back!! Mel thankfully was an angel and was totally calm and collected about the whole thing and we were able to get the huge box in my house (How I thought I would’ve gotten it in by myself I’ll never know). He then asked me about assembly and Praise God…stayed around and assembled the 52 loose parts under Melissa’s directions. I can’t imagine how long that whole process would’ve taken me or how frustrating it would have been. WHile he was working on that I needed to run the kids to volleyball…and by the time we were done on the treadmill (I use the term “we” loosely) it was time to pick them back up…now mind you it was already 7:30 and we hadn’t started on the normal night stuff yet, homework, music practice, baths, dinner, etc. so I decided to run through Arby’s, trying to get something somewhat healthy…I was in a hurry so I made a bad mistake…didn’t check the bag after going through the drive thru…have you had this happen before…got home all ready to finally eat dinner only to find out that the overpriced meals that I had already purchased was lacking my meal. Again, a small thing but totally irritating…I have to admit… I’ve had some major stuff happen this year, stuff that I could be unbelievably angry with God about and instead I get angry about gas/atm cards and drive through orders, what that tells me about myself I’m not sure…but I don’t think it’s good.

On a strange note…I don’t talk a whole lot about turtles at work but I had a strange thing happen this morning. I had a teacher friend who had a daughter that died of cancer a couple of years ago give me a very tiny turtle about a month ago…we had talked some about our losses and she has developed a strange attraction to lady bugs just as I have to turtles…so she surprised me with this tiny turtle one day…for a week or two I just kept it in my coat pocket…for whatever reason I just liked to reach in my pocket once in awhile and hold it. I know it doesn’t have any magical powers but for whatever reason it comforted me in some small way. A week or two ago I reached into my pocket and it was gone…I figured I must have dropped it out at some point and just didn’t realize it and although I was disappointed and tried to find it I figured as small as it was I probably wouldn’t ever find it…well today I walked into my classroom and mysteriously the small turtle was sitting on my desk…I have no idea who found it, or where it was but it was just as if it had crawled it’s way back into my life and on a Monday morning it was a welcome sign.

The day honestly was good overall…I’m reading a book right now called “The Ultimate Gift” and so far it’s really good.  I would encourage those of you who like to read to pick it up.

Huge thanks to Mel and Melissa tonight…you were God sends and definitely were a calming influence in the stress of my life. I’m looking forward to hopping on the treadmill tonight and working out some of my aggression:).

Hope your Monday was great….nineteen more school days til Christmas break…I know I probably shouldn’t be counting down but I can’t help it:).

Love,

RUth

Hello again…missed me right???Well actually I’m sure you’ve all been more than busy yourselves hopefully having a great time with your families and friends. The girls and I made it home from our trip around 5pm tonight…left St. Paul MN about 6:10am this morning so…by the time we pulled into our driveway it was blessed relief:). I’ve had a lot of time to think…10 hour drives each way…sitting on a bench watching the girls ride amusement rides, etc. so I have to tell you I have a lot of thoughts jumbling through my brain and can’t guarantee that they will make any sense to you but I’ll share them anyway…so I’ll try to keep them in chronological order…how’s that for organization. First off…before we even got out of town on Tuesday we had just turned the corner on our road and I could tell the girls were not off to a good start…already having mean comments to each other in the backseat and I knew that wasn’t going to be happening for the next 10 hours so…I pulled a Mark:)…I pulled the car over to the side of the road and decided that I wasn’t going to move until they stopped and I was going to pull over everytime it started again and if it took 15 hours so be it…I was all into this lecture to the girls when I realized that unfortunately for me I had pulled over on the shoulder of a house where two guys were standing outside the home in the driveway…I knew they had to be wondering what was going on but…I wasn’t about to back down to the girls so…the one guy probably in his 20’s came up to the window of our car and asked if I needed some help…I’m sure he was thinking car help…I debated for a quick second whether to tell him the truth or not and went ahead and did….told him no the car was fine but my kids were acting up…he proceeded to very nicely but firmly look into the back of my car and tell the girls he expected them to be nice to their mom and behave. By this time the girls were so mortified that they just sat in stunned silence…the effect was beautiful…we eased out of the drive and were on our way and as time sunk in for me I realized that guy had been an angel in disquise…some may think angels are girly or something but for me…when a man steps in to a huge hole in our family I know it’s an angel. It was an incredible confirmation of God stepping in and meeting my needs even before I realized I needed to ask…WOW! (O.k. not to scare you but that whole paragraph was only about the first five minutes of our trip….you better grab a snack and a drink, settle in and relax…could be long:). So we were off on our merry way, I hadn’t realized how early it gets dark these days…by 5pm it’s dark…did you realize that…I didn’t so anyway, it seemed like we were barely on the road and it was dark, which I’m not a big drive in the dark kind of person anyway but I had never before been on this route in any form or fashion. I had no idea what to expect and was trying to follow my mapquest directions as I went. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the “dark night of the soul” experience…it’s a faith experience where it is believed that God takes a person through a difficult experience where their faith is put to the test so to speak…often the person feels as if God is silent, etc. Basically it’s a time when faith can’t be based on circumstances. Well I guess I must have needed a visual for it because I got it. For the next four hours I drove in what seemed to be a very dark night. You know those little reflector things on the side of the road…the things you hardly even notice during the day…well me and those reflectors became close friends, along with the white lines on the road. It’s amazing how during the night all of the road signs take on so much more meaning than during the day. I mean during the day a curve is coming, you see a deep ditch, you cross a river, etc. and you see the landscape so you naturally do it without having to be told…but at night in unfamiliar territory you have no clue what’s coming so those signs become vital. It got me to thinking…surprising right?!? This past year has been a dark night of the soul experience for me…I could have just pulled over and said…I’m not doing this…I’m going to wait until I can see it all for myself…I could have quit…Or I could have ignored the signs, not paid attention to God’s directions in my life and could have landed in some deep problems which very well could’ve effected not only me but my kids too…they are in the car with me, literally and figuratively:). But somehow…instead throughout this year I’ve been able to see the signs and directions and words of encouragement and wisdom that God has left for me, I’ve felt His presence guiding me, his love taking care of me when I was probably crossing more treacherous territory than I even realized. His reflectors have led the way, his warnings of curves ahead and even at times places where I just needed to stop have been clear along with some guard rails at just the right places and some “Do not enter” signs posted at the needed spots along my life journey. As long as I kept my focus I didnt’ have any problem staying on the right path and truthfully I find the same to be true with my faith journey. I almost had to laugh in the last hour or two when it started to down pour rain and kept going and going…I felt like yelling out “Bring it on…” just like I’ve felt that attitude rise up in me on more than one occasion this past year…”What can man do to me…, what do I have to lose…” And as long as I kept putting one foot in front of another or in my car going the next mile I was constantly coming closer to my destination and eventually I made it without having to turn around even once:). You know the amazing thing is those little reflectors are all their in the day time too but I don’t even notice them during the day…I have no need of them. How true with God…He’s always present no matter what our circumstances but so often we really don’t notice how utterly faithful He is until we are in desperate need, in the dark with no one to lean on but him. For me those reflectors represent regular time in the Bible…hopefully daily, they represent my small group, close friends, regular attendance to my church, prayer, etc. If I’m doing those “little” things on a daily basis they give me the guide I need to stay on the right path…if any of those things are taken for granted I easily stray.  I’m probably not explaining it very well but for me if I had had the time I would have stopped at every sign and taken a picture…becuase with every sign I could sense the “God implications” for my own faith journey and I could sense God giving me a visual of what the last year has looked like in my life…probably even the last 37 years. It’s an incredible thing to realize that our God is not a detached God made of wood or stone our God is a personal God who guides and directs us each day in real and practical ways along with some supernatural ways too.  And He knows just how to encourage us to keep us going (Got to love those signs that tell you how many more miles you have to go:). O.k. maybe I’m nuts but I’m fascinated by the whole topic of “journey” and I’ve been fascinated by road signs for a long time and frankly I think you all should have to take a road trip in the dark like I did in unfamiliar territory and see what God says to you:). Just a thought…

Anyway…day two we made it to Minnesota and wow the mall was huge, I mean I knew it would be big but it became obvious that we would need to seriously pace ourselves to make it through by the end of the week. We  got busy and started making some very neccesary purchases (At least I think they were necessary:). We conveniently didn’t pack enough outfits for each of us when we left so we would “need” to buy one at the mall:). Anyway…the mall first day was terrific and we were excited about the rest of the week, the hotel was in the perfect location and so far I didn’t have one moment of having to turn around becuase I missed a road…which is miraculous in itself…just ask my girls.

Day three…thanksgiving day…we took it easy in the am…watched the parade on TV and talked about making a trip sometime to New York for the parade and shopping some other year…I’m just crazy enough I could see us doing it at some point:). Then we had another really cool God moment…Kim and Chuck Miller invited us to their family thanksgiving and again this was a “God meets our needs even before we ask” moment. Their family was so welcoming and generous, the food was great and plentiful, the kids loved playing games with their kids and we easily spent four hours with them and as we walked back out to our car we all agreed that God had set up the plans for that and we were in awe of how he took good care of us even far away from our family. That night we went back to the mall…the stores weren’t open but we went to see a movie…”Enchanted”…which was a great girls movie. O.k. I know I’m 37 years old but I have to tell you…the whole prince thing is still something that gets to my heart…I know life isn’t a fairytale but every girl no matter what age has this embedded into their heart. So we all walked away from the movie feeling nice and dreamy. We were hungry for dinner at that point…no restaurants open…except the local IHOP so…that’s where we headed…then the girls swam.

Day Four…this was the girls big amuse ment ride day. And I have to tell you the rides and the prices were great…I would highly recommend this place to any family. I loved that I only had to pay for the girls since I wasn’t riding any rides just watching and their tickets were only $19 each for the whole day…pretty good compared to Six Flags, Disney, etc. This day fast became about Lauren…what I mean is if you know Lauren well you know that she loves amusement parks, loves to research them, can tell you all the info on the website of any park we go to…checks out books from the library on rollar coasters, and plays computer,play station games about amusement parks, even wrote her young author book last year about six flags…the girl loves amusement parks and especially rollar coasters the only problem is that she is absolutely terrified of riding them once she gets there. I know it sounds crazy but I think she gets so much info into her head that it terrifies her where Lydia doesn’t care to know any of the details just wants to jump on the ride and have fun. So…Lauren gets nervous…almost to a full panic attack…sometimes gets sick to her stomach because she so badly wants to ride but the fear is overwhelming…she knows that Lydia wants her to ride and without Mark in the picture she knows that Lydia will be alone if she doesn’t ride the rides so she feels bad about that so…it can become a tense situation. Now I know some of you mom’s out there would say what’s the big deal…if she doesn’t want to ride than no big deal…don’t have her ride. To some degree I would agree with you but…I have also witnessed where when Lauren does get on a ride most of the time when she gets off she ends up saying “That was the best ride…I love it, let’s ride it again”. SO…I had a choice let her give in to her fears and have her sit it out or challenge and encourage her to conquer her fears and in the process deal with her getting a little upset. Well….as you can probably guess I feel strongly about having my kids face their fears…o.k. today I know it’s only a rollar coaster but tomorrow I know they will face real life fears of every kind and I want them to be able to look them in the face and stand strong and come out stronger for it so…Lauren ended up riding all but one of the rides at the park that Lydia rode by herself…and in the end she had a great time…their were some tears and I wondered in moments if I was being too hard on her…but I decided to stick it out anyway…and in the end I have to say…I’m glad that I was able to help her face her fears and Lauren walked away feeling proud of herself…I hate to see kids not do things (good things mind you) becuase of fear…they end up walking away feeling like a failure or discouraged in some form or fashion.

I have to tell you here growing up in my home I often wanted my mom to stand up more for herself so…I kind of vowed that I would…and I’ve probably swung the pendulum the other way…I have a feeling my kids may very well swing the pendelum over to a more caring/nursing/caregiving side in their own mothering than I do with them…should be interesting to see:).

Anyway that day I ended up having a fair amount of time sitting on my own…watching people in the mall was interesting and I can do that for quite awhile but I was definitely feeling the missing Mark blues…not that I don’t feel that everyday becuase I do but…in certain settings it becomes painfully obvious that I have no other adult to visit with on the normal life things that happen…so I had plenty of time to think…

By the end of the day we all collapsed into bed…shopping can be draining you know:).

On Saturday, we decided to finish out the mall, we were committed:)…and wanted to make sure we hit our favorite eating places, so breakfast was Starbucks…snack at Coldstone, Popcorn at the movie theater and dinner at The Rainforest Cafe (I’m in serious need of getting back in shape this week:). We took a mid day break at the movies where we saw “Mr Magoriums magic Emporium” at least I think that’s how it’s spelled. The movie was really good and I would highly recommend it to any of you to go see it. Unknown to me…the issue of “death” is a big issue in the movie…is it my imagination or is this a big topic in most movies anymore…just a side note there. Anyway…I actually thought the way they presented the topic of death was good…I could so connect with it all and I loved the line where he says that life is an “Occasion” and it’s our job to “rise to it.” How true…To me the overriding theme was the truth that while death is very hard we have to keep living and their are still “magical” good things to come for those left behind…death is not “the end”. I’m probably not describing this very well but I think they did the whole issue justice without going against what I believe and without sidestepping how hard it is to say goodbye. And the reality that their is always so much more we want to be able to do and say before a person we love leaves…ok. just go see the movie and you’ll see what I mean:).

That night like I said we went to the Rainforest Cafe…o.k. their food isn’t great but I’ve learned to accept that and just go for the environment and entertainment value. Over the years this has been a Jackson tradition, we’ve been to the one in Orlando, the one in Chicago, the one at Great Lakes Crossings in Michigan and possibly some other one I can’t remember right now so it only seemed fitting for us to go. I had made a reservation for “three people” early in the morning becuase we have learned the hard way having a reservation is essential…so we showed up at our time and they marked our ticket with a four…I had a gut feeling that of course they had assumed that we had four instead of the three but being that our reservation was for four o.clock decided I was probably just reading too much into it…but no when we were called it was a reservation for four people…now understand I know in my head that this is no big deal… but it’s hard already for the three of us to constantly sit at four person tables and booths where one of us has to end up sitting alone when it used to be that we had a family where no one had to sit alone. And I was tired…so I’m sure that contributed to the emotion I felt but the most amazing thing happened, at least it seemed like it to me. You know my fascination with turtles by now…well in the Rainforest their are no turtles for some reason…they have every other animal under the sun but no turtles…I even asked and they told me that they’re aren’t any turtles in the Rainforest…I accepted this answer and didn’t look any further…at the precise moment when they called our name for “four” Lauren suddenly noticed that we were standing by a huge sea turtle sculpture thing…I can’t believe that I hadn’t noticed it before…I mean the whole turtle thing had already been discussed…the hostess even complimented me on my purse with turtles and said she had a collection etc. so when Lauren said “Hey mom…look a turtle” and I looked and saw this huge turtle standing right beside us while they called for “Four” of us Jacksons it felt completely right…as if Mark was saying he was with us in some form or fashion…and I don’t know if that’s a God thing, a Mark thing, or what or if I’m just crazy but it gave me the encouragement and comfort I needed in that moment and so I’ll take it for whatever it is.

Overall the trip was awesome. The girls said it was one of their most favorite vacations and I have to admit…I loved it as well. We’ve basically agreed that we will be back at some point…may even make it some kind of a tradition….we’ll see. So if you’ve not been to the Mall of America…and you like amusement parks/aquariums, shopping, movies, restaurants and just sitting around…put it on your list of must sees. We even bought a cool new game while we were there called “Whoonu” and just sat at a table in the food court playing it for awhile which was great fun! The girls already have limited memories of vacations with dad…I mean they remember basically from seeing the pictures that were taken and hearing the stories I retell time and again…Lauren remembers more obviously but…I have to say times like these are bittersweet….I’m so glad we had a great time…we needed to…and yet…I sure wish Mark could’ve been with us.

 Which brings me to my last thought…at least I think It’s my last one…obviously our lives have been changed dramatically this year…that goes without saying. But lately I find myself realizing more and more that my girls lives have changed so much more dramatically that they even realize. We’re all running the race…to get the prize…destination heaven…you get the idea, but it’s as if we were all running before on a different path and even though we are still aimed at the same final prize it’s as if we suddenly moved to a totally different path. I find myself looking at the old path realizing how different things are and often feel as if the girls are young enough they probably don’t even realize or understand the changes.

I mean Mark and I were a typical couple…debt load and all, we lived life to the full as much as we could, you can tell from our pictures:)…but not only do we now have a family of three but so much has changed. We travel even more and are able to travel to new places and further away. My resources have changed, truthfully God has blessed me this year and entrusted me with resources I never even considered having. I’m a girl who grew up in poverty, my parents did the best they could but my mom was a stay at home mom and my dad was a pastor with six kids…you get the picture. Our house when we moved to it was the kind of house where the realtor sat on the front porch with his head in his hands telling my mom and dad that they would have to look at the house for the “potential that it could have”. It was bad plain and simple. We worked hard in the Dennings family, still do…and with sweat blood and tears get things done. That’s why I am the way I am. I find myself trying to make sure that my kids have an attitude of gratitude even though their resources have changed. I mean our family values haven’t changed, our faith is intact…our commitment to our church…character values, honestly, responsibility, etc. haven’t changed but the reality is that my girls are now able to have experiences, lessons, material things, travel more than ever before. Now…I’m not trying to say we bought out the mall…we didn’t:). But I’m just trying to say things have changed…Mark and I carried the normal anxiety and load of debt before he died…I don’t have to carry that burden anymore Praise God…So I find myself trying to make sure the girls understand….that they understand that the trip we took this week was literally a gift from their dad. He can’t be with us in person but somehow I try to make sure they understand and have some appreciation for the price at which our trip or whatever it is that were doing came at. Not so they feel guilty, Mark would have never wanted that but I do want them to sense their father’s love and protection and provision for them even when he’s not physically present. And in honesty I feel his care for me in this area too along with God’s blessing. On the way home today I had plenty of time to think once again…my mind started getting back into the school week and I began thinking through why I teach…and I was able to make it real simple in my mind. I used to teach for the pay check, because I had too…I mean I cared about the kids and all but in my heart…I sensed the necessity of it for us to survive. Today I teach because I care about the kids…somehow I want to build into their lives and music is just the tool I’ve been given to make a difference in their lives, I teach so that as needs around me arise I can respond in a financial way and give out of the overflow of blessing God has given me and I teach so that I can open the world for my own kids…it gives us the resources to travel, take lessons, and have the kind of opportunities that will hopefully grow them into what God wants them to be. Once I narrowed it down to those three reasons I could feel good about going back to work tomorrow:). My girls had a good life before…Mark and I worked hard to make sure our life was full of good things, but I’m more than aware of the fact that even more so now they have opportunites that many children don’t have and are able to have resources and material things that many children don’t have. At the core of me in my parenting though I always strive for my kids to know that when all that is stripped away the most important things are loving one another, living in peace, making good choices, etc. stuff is stuff nothing more, I believe God blesses us with it and I enjoy stuff as much as the next person but at the end of the day it’s still just stuff. Even though we are on a different path…we’re still headed for the same prize, the same end goal and I have no desire to be sidetracked from the goal…or have my kids sidetracked.

Well I guess that about sums it up, at least the big areas of thought:). Today’s drive home was sure different from last Thanksgiving….the memories are hard…Mark was so sick…and honestly I miss him every day. I have to wonder…what my life will look like down the road, I guess that’s just a normal thought we all have about our lives. In the mean time daily I’m just going to keep making sure that I’m paying attention to the reflectors guiding me on my way. I have no desire to go careening down into a deep ditch, land in a river, or to just give up and pull over, Who knows…I was sure surprised by some of the beautiful nature I saw this weekend in unexpected places…maybe I’ll have a few surprises on my life journey as well.

Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful. and I have to tell you…I know I put my Christmas Deco up early but when we pulled in tonight it was so nice to see it all in place and lighting up our home…glad to Know that while I was unpacking and doing laundry I was already ahead of the game in that area:)…now on to my Christmas Programs:)

Love,

Ruth

We are definitely ready or at least getting close to being ready to head out of town. Looking forward to a little break from school and normal chores. It even worked out where a couple from our church (Chuck and Kim Miller) unknown to us have family within ten minutes of where we are going in Minnesota so we are invited over to their Thanksgiving family gathering which should be fun. Tonight we’re just relaxing, going to bed early, getting everything packed and the girls have volleyball tonight. Lauren’s all ready for her field trip tomorrow. Otherwise no real big news here…glad Monday is almost over. I’m completely shutting off the thought of the Christmas programs I will face when I get back…don’t want to even give it a thought…need some time to just relax, have fun and take a break. Picked up a couple of new CD’s today…Bethany Dillion by Pastor Scott’s recommendation and also a FFH worship CD called something like “While I wait”…the title hit me and even though I haven’t heard any of the songs on the CD…somehow I think I’ll hear a song or two that I need to. Also picked up a few more John Waller CD’s…good news for those of you who don’t have yours yet…they’re on sale at Family Christian bookstore for just $5…quite a good deal. I continue to spread them far and wide:). So…this is it…I’ll probably write again on Sunday night when we’re back home…should have lots to write about I’m sure. I wish all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving, time with family and friends, time to relax, eat and be thankful. I’m thankful for all of you who have cared about me and my family this year…actually many years before this year as well, but especially this year…thank you!

Love,

Ruth

Today started off bright and early…I knew I had a pile of laundry sitting ready to be done and a house that needed to be gone through before we left on our trip this week so…I woke up early and got the house together before going to church, which was actually a nice time for me…the girls were still sleeping and it gave me some quiet time. We went to church, same as usual…but for me today for some reason by the time I got to church I can’t even tell you how I was feeling…I kept thinking that I didn’t even recognize my own heart…worship for me today seemed loud and didn’t connect for me, which is very unusual for me to feel that way at my church. For some reason I think I was in need of hearing from God and the songs this morning felt more like we were shouting at God as if He was asleep or something…now you all know I love my church, and I love our music pastor and the worship team so…I’m saying all of this not so much because I think they’re terrible but for me things were off this morning in my spirit. I’ve been around church long enough to know that if I come to church and I’m not sensing God’s presence or worshipping than the issue may very well be in my own life rather than everyone else’s around me. I actually sat down after a couple of songs because truthfully for me worship is genuine and whatever I do I want it to be from my heart to God and for some reason their wasn’t anything…Every felt that way? Then Pastor Ben got up to speak and he’s been doing an intellectual look at the Christmas Story, I’m not putting the catchy titles on it for you but it’s definitely a series that appeals to the mind. And I believe that approach is needed…for many the journey of faith is all about thinking through things…I have to say for me…I rarely identify with that approach but I do understand the necessity of it. So not only was I disjointed from worship but…I was struggling connecting with the sermon…which again is very unusual. However, Ben did point out a few things about the Christmas story that I hadn’t realized before and found interesting. The shepherds weren’t just watching any sheep…they were watching the sheep that were without blemish…the ones that would be used for the sacrifices…so it’s an awesome thing that God sent the angels first to the shepherd who were taking care of all of the lambs to be slain to tell them about The Lamb that would be slain for us. I had never realized that before and it seemed significant to me. I also connected with the Jewish cultural tradition that when a first born male was born into a family their would be great singing and commotion all around celebrating the birth of the son, God in keeping with that cultural tradition sent the angels to sing and celebrate the birth of His son. Somehow…it connected with me that in this special moment, a moment when Joseph and Mary were far from home and had no one to lead the celebration for them God stepped in and met the need in an even greater way than would have been done if they had had family all around. For me…it made me think about the special days and events coming in the girls lives that I have been concerned about, wondering how the holes will be filled…it made me again realize that God is aware of the hole and even if He needs to send angels themselves I believe that those special days and occasions will be taken care of…

I’m sharing the down side of me today with you…the truth is it was a totally gray day outside today and in my mind and heart I felt gray…just blah…I’m sure you’ve all experienced those kind of days…I couldn’t quite put a finger on it but for some reason I just wasn’t feeling like my usual self. That’s when I was reminded that for me, a person who often operates on heart and feelings, and intuition and all the other subjective kinds of terms you can think of…gray days remind me that my faith is not subject to me being able to “feel” something. My faith is there regardless of my emotion. It reminded me that my commitment to God is not always exciting, breath taking, top of the mountain…some days are just plain out gray. Regardless…I love God and I love my church. And I always take responsibility first by looking at myself if I’m not connecting to God….usually the problem or issue is in our own court.

Amy K. took the girls out for lunch after church since they memorized the required bible verses and I hung around Edwardsville for a little while. Went and bought the shepherd material that I should have bought in the first place:). Walked around looking at things…sometimes it’s so nice to have some leisure to look without kids in tow. Picked up the girls and we had fun on the way home making up a silly poem about my gray day…like maybe we should pray, what else can we say, let’s play with clay, hip hip hooray…O.k. it doesn’t make any sense but once in awhile we joke around making rhyming silly words just to have a little fun…Lauren was shaking her head just like Mark would have:).

Upon getting home we had Todd Linke come over which started an intense workday for me the rest of the day. Todd is our go to guy when we need technology help and boy did I need some help…Mark had an Ipod which now I use however…I’m clueless enough that any CD’s we had gotten in the past six months or just some that he hadn’t put on because they were too girly weren’t on it so Todd…helped me with that and I just put approx. 30 CD’s on it today. Todd has been converting all of our old family video tapes which seem to not last very long to DVD…he had done probably half of them and brought over the rest today and showed me how to convert them so I’ve been doing that the rest of the day, in fact I have one running now…only one more to go after this one!! It’s not hard work but between putting in CD’s and video tapes and keeping everything running I’ve been busy. Then he showed me how to unload my pictures on to the computer and then how to edit and print them…so all or our cameras are cleared now and I’m ready for some major scrapbooking this winter. We even loaded a TV into my car for my parents at Christmas time… Todd has the patience of Job. He knows first hand how technology and Ruth don’t seem to mix very well so he goes step by step with me taking notes and makes every default and program on my computer be the easiest thing it can be for me. He even adds in a little humor. So…that’s what I’ve been working on since about 3pm this afternoon. But…now my ipod is all up to date and I won’t have to carry any CD’s on our trip this week. And all of our family videos are on DVD which is awesome since I don’t want to take a chance of them being destroyed, and all my pictures are in good shape and ready to be worked on. I am deeply grateful to Sarah for letting Todd come over…I know she hasn’t been feeling to hot lately with being pregnant and having twin boys running around:). And I’m deeply grateful to Todd for his help, these are all things that Mark would have taken care of and so I’ve never needed to know how it worked. Todd and Mark were such good friends somehow it feels like I have a piece of Mark when Todd is around. Kind of like when Mark’s brother Wayne is around. The girls enjoyed playing in the basement with each other playing school and other various things:). WE’re all excited about getting out of town this week for our trip. Praise God only two days of school this week. And in the mean time tonight I had to make sure I posted my grades for our progress reports coming out this week…thankfully that’s done now…I pushed it about as close as I ever have to the deadline though. Besides the fact that I caught up all the laundry tonight as well between putting in CD’s and changing videos.

Anyway, I think tomorrow will be a nice day to get everything packed up, loaded up and ready to go! Honestly when I was feeling gray today I had the feeling that what I needed was a long road trip with God, just some quiet time with Him. We’re going 10 hours each way, I’m hoping that’s long enough:). The girls enjoy watching their movies in the back so I have plenty of time to listen to music, think, cry, see nature, think some more…etc. Here’s a funny thing, at least it was to me. I asked Lauren on the way home out of the blue how you spell gray, is it gray or grey….she looked at me and said “Mom, where did that come from.” I swear Mark would have given me the very same look and said the same thing and it was such a gift. I can’t tell you how many time Mark would get lost between my thoughts that seem to tangent from here to there and back again…he’d just give me a clueless look that was hillarious. I guess I always felt that it was my job to keep him on his toes:).

Here’s another wierd thought that goes through my brain…I’ve already been unloading why not add to the pile right? Lately when I hear of someone who seems close to dying…(usually these things are mentioned at church at prayer times…) it’s almost as if I want to write them a letter or go see them and have them carry a message to Mark for me…or like I’m so excited thinking about Mark greeting “so and so” at the gate…I begin to imagine what he might say, him giving the person a big bear hug, etc. I know this sounds a little wierd and I know the whole goal of these prayer times is generally for people to pray that the person is going to be healed here…but my mind tends to wander, I mean the person is going to be healed regardless one way or the other, either here or there…so I tend to think the issue isn’t the “healing” but rather the drawing closer to God through it all and being able to bring honor and glory to God…for some of us God seems to think that will happen best if we are healed here, for others God seems to think that it will happen best if we are healed there. Plus I guess sometimes it’s hard for me to be around these kind of prayer times, not because I don’t believe in healing but because somehow my heart feels like people tend to pray and think that what happened to Mark shouldn’t have happened. That’s a really hard place for me to live, and maybe I’m reading other people wrong but that’s just the gut instinct that I get from hearing other people pray. I find myself thinking….it’s not as if what happened to Mark was an accident, or a failure, or was out of God’s control, or timing. If I find my mind even going there I couldnt’ handle it. The only way I have peace is to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that what happened to Mark was all part of God’s plan, was in His perfect will, nothing slips through God’s fingers, nothing is swept under the rug, every detail, every minute is lined up for us, Mark’s life was surrendered to God and when we are surrendered to God regardless of the evil in this world…nothing happens to us unless God allows it for His purposes and glory. This is how I have peace…this is how my children and I sleep in peace at night and I can honestly say we do…”why should I fear…” It dawned on me today that I really don’t have to send a message through another person who might see Mark soon if they die…I can just tell God…and he can convey it to Mark…sometimes I almost forget that the common denominator right now for Mark and I is that we both have connection to God even when we’re in two different worlds…and you know the crazy thing is that I just want him to hear again that I love him…as if he doesn’t already know right?!? But I have to tell you no matter how much you’ve said it once you can’t say it face to face anymore you always have the desire to tell the other person or to hear from them just one more time those three words.

I’ve been reminded recently while Christmas shopping especially for the girls at the joy I take in finding just the right gift for them, it seem like I have to look through a lot of stores, shelves and aisles but every once in awhile you find something that you know is totally something your child will love, and it’s ajoy to be able to buy them a gift they’ll enjoy. How much more will God provide for us as His children. He has access to the whole universe, not just walmart and the mall:)…he knows me better than I know myself, I don’t even have to make a list, He knows it already…He knows what is best for me…jsut as I don’t buy every piece of junk that my kids may want He doesn’t give me everything that I think I may want either. He takes great joy in watching me experience the best He has to offer, so…I have peace knowing that God has more planned for my future than I can imagine right now and for you too.

It’s late…and I know my thoughts in this blog have jumped all over and I apologize, if you’ve stayed with it this long you should win a prize right? Hope you have a great week! I’m getting ready to put my last video in….yeah!!

love,

Ruth