The Jackson Family Online

Hello…

Well it’s been over a week since I last blogged which is pretty much a record for me:). This vacation time has been something that I didn’t realize how much I needed. My normal vacation thing involves adventure, new places, people, things to do and see. But from the get go this vacation has been a trip down memory lane. I think I could just set my car on autopilot and fall asleep and it would know where to go making the journey from Illinois to Michigan…I can’t tell you how many trips back and forth I’ve made over the years. With each mile I was reliving memories in my mind and occasionally had to remind myself to pay attention and drive:). The first week the girls and I spent the week with Mark’s family. It was relaxing and fun, lots of family time, watched some good movies, ate good food, worked on an amazingly difficult puzzle:)…the girls also worked hard on their young author books which are turning out beautifully if I do say so myself. Some of the highlights of the week were bowling with all their cousins, going out to dinner with my mother in law, and having Uncle Wayne (Mark’s brother) play with Lauren and teach her how to build her rollarcoasters on her new set that I had gotten her for Christmas. I was incredibly grateful and continue to be grateful for the brothers, grandpas, and brother in laws I have in my life who help fill holes in my girls lives. Wayne and Christy are getting ready to have their baby which is exciting, he’ll make and is already making with Bryan a terrific father:). It was nice for Melissa and I (Mark’s sister) to just have a day to go out and do some shopping, eat lunch and have a day to hang out…we don’t get the kind of time very often. And Lauren’s date with Grandpa J. went well…I think Grandpa was more excited than even Lauren was:). They enjoyed some time in Frankenmuth, took a carriage ride, ate dinner, etc. For me…not having any access to a computer, and having no cell phone reception it seems like I’ve pretty much been in a world where I’ve been able to shut everything off for awhile and I think that’s exactly what I needed.

I’ve been giving some thought to the whole idea of “approval”. We all have a basic need to know that God is pleased with us. The Christmas eve service I attended this year focused in on God’s approval of Mary and Joseph at the birth of Christ and I realized that for myself I crave that same kind of approval. I think we all do. I find myself looking at my brothers and sisters and inlaws and parents wanting to tell them and often I am actually saying it…that they should feel God’s approval and pleasure in their lives, it is a joy to watch them parent their children, to look in on their marriages a little and to feel that I’m part of a great family on both sides. I was able to tell my parents that they are a large part of why I’ve been able to overcome this year…I had the tools in my tool box so to speak to face great loss and still stand strong and I’m grateful. I believe that the years of commitment to attending church, the memorization of scripture, prayers, the priorities I’ve seen lived out first hand have all played a part in helping me to be the person that I am. And although I clearly see my downfalls…I also know that I’m an overcomer…and for me that’s an awesome thing to realize. This past weekend my family had a night at Frankenmuth together which was nice and then had our Christmas time together.

I’ve definitely missed Mark as usual…I miss his humor, and it’s a lonely feeling sitting in a church pew especially at  a Christmas Eve service feeling as if everyother woman in the church has a man’s arm around her (I know that’s not the case but I’m speaking of my feelings here:). But at the same time…we’ve made it through and although we all felt the loss we were able to still genuinely celebrate Christmas together and as I sang the carols this year I noticed words in them I had never noticed before and was struck again at the hope that the Christ child gives to me today. So…now I’m at my parents for the week, tomorrow we are headed up even further into Michigan to my grandpa’s house. I don’t get a chance to see him much and I take nothing for granted so I wanted to be able to see him again before going home. Then Wednesday through Friday morning is my time away on my own…it’s funny when I try to tell others why I’m doing that or what my plan is it seems to be very vague but I can say this…I’m fully expecting to hear from God in those two days. Some ask…how does that happen, how do you just set a time and a place fully expecting to hear a word from God…I don’t know exactly but in my heart I know I will. Even if it’s just something very basic, even if it’s just time for me to bask in His love for me. At New Covenant on Sunday one of the message points was that “God is up to something.” The whole idea that we don’t see what all God is doing, we see the common ordinary daily stuff and don’t realize all that God is doing but He is always up to something. I’m excited to see what He brings my way in 2008. Absolutely nothing happens in life by chance, nothing gets past God. And I love the way I can see people these days and see the things they are going through and realize it’s all part of the story that God is writing for their lives. People struggling with job lay offs, cancer and sickness, problems in marriage, etc. we have nothing to fear…God uses it all. This year my resolutions are no different than before in some ways, the normal lose weight, daily quiet time with God goals, but over all of it this year I ultimately just want to draw closer to God, and to bring Him honor and glory with how I choose to live my life. That has been my battle cry for awhile now. Maybe it doesn’t seem specific enough for some but for me I’m finding that I don’t need to know the details of how that is going to happen, I’m just setting my heart on that goal and going to let God work it out in my life.

The girls and I will be heading back into town on Sunday, Jan. 6th, probably in time to go to church…I miss my church family:). Then it’s back to school. I think this time away has been exactly what I needed…time to be loved, cared for, time to relax, to remember, to cry and laugh, time to be still, to shut off the normal cares of my life. I hope that this Christmas time has been what you needed it to be in your lives as well. Here goes another year…

Love,

Ruth

Well amazingly enough I think we are actually ready to scoot out right after school is out. The car is packed, praise God I went for space when I purchased a vehicle this past summer:). I’ve used it all very well and to the max. Thankfully we are unloading quite a bit of stuff once we arrive so hopefully it won’t be as full coming home…yeah right:). Now that the packing is done I’m eager to hit the road and the girls are too. Lauren did  great in her first band concert this morning…I got the whole thing on video:). Lydia is enjoying being nine years old now, actually she’s waiting until precisely six pm to declare that she’s nine since that’s about when she was born. Can’t believe she’s already half way to eighteen. How the time flies. As I see the finish line in view (less than two hours away) I realize as I look back over my shoulder the last few miles of this one were all up hill, no wonder I’m weary. I’m thankful to be coming to a rest stop and am really looking forward to seeing people who know and love us and who I know and love. I’m also looking forward to having a couple of days to myself…not sure what will be done in those days but curious to see what I will do with myself once I have the opportunity to experience it. One definite…I have a massage scheduled that I am hugely looking forward to. Anyway…I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Now that it’s almost here I hope you have opportunity to really just soak in these next few days and all the special unusual things that we do over these holidays, sitting around with family, watching a movie, going to Christmas Eve services, opening and giving gifts, eating and eating:), just getting cozy with a good book…I threw in a few in my suitcase:). The young author books never did get done, we’ll have to work on those over the holidays but that’s alright. I’m anxious for my mom to give the girls their quilts made from Mark’s short sleeve button down shirts. I’m sure they’ve forgotten that she was even making them and I really think they’re going to enjoy getting them…me too:). Anyway…tonight we’ll be on the north side of Indianapolis and then by tomorrow afternoon we should be to Davison, Mark’s parents house. Martha is whipping up some fried chicken…she is an amazing cook…We’ll spend the first week at their house and then the second week at my parents house.

Love,

Ruth

I received a card today addressed to “Mrs. Mark Jackson”, I don’t get called that very much but it made my day to be called that today:). Thanks Star!

Whew betsy…what a day!! Stayed up too late last night which doesn’t make for a great start to today…it was one of those days where if I had a choice I would’ve stayed home…I guess sometimes it’s good we don’t have any choice but to keep going. However, I will say we played it easy today in music class, coloring sheets and listening to a Christmas music CD. Still nine classes later, with an unbelievable headache I was incredibly grateful to walk out the doors of that school. My lunch hour was spent running around getting Lydia’s birthday treat together for school this afternoon…pizza, ice, soda in the cooler which had to be dug out from the basement…that kind of stuff. I received a bunch of Christmas cards today…I love this time of year, so nice to hear from people I don’t necessarily hear from all year…love catching up on other people’s lives. And I know this sounds crazy since it was a rainy day but I just couldn’t take the mess my car was in anymore so I went ahead and emptied it out and had it cleaned. It’s crazy because in two days I’ll be driving down dirt roads in Michigan and you’ll never be able to tell that I even cleaned it but…it’s one of those things Mark always did before we went on a trip. Just feels better when you’re going to spend ten hours in it. It doesn’t quite look like a new car anymore but that new car smell is always nice:). Tonight has involved getting Lauren all ready for her date…she looked beautiful, hair done up in ringlet curls, some makeup, jewelry and a beautiful dress and heels, wow she’s growing up. Richard was the perfect gentlemen in his suit coming to the door and although I’m sure it will be somewhat of a strange experience for them I think it will be a great memory and I hope it will give Lauren the idea of how a woman should be treated. Lydia opened her birthday gifts tonight…even though her birthday is tomorrow…just knew that we would have more time today to enjoy the moment than tomorrow when we are trying to hit the road. She got a few DVD’s for the trip and a dress outfit for Sunday and a relaxing out fit for traveling tomorrow. Nothing big but she seemed happy. She wore her “birthday girl” crown all day today at school and I think she’s going to wear it again tomorrow.

SO…now I’m in the process of packing and I lack some serious motivation…I want to go tomorrow…I’m ready mentally but the process of going through the house, having the laundry done and going through all it takes to get us on the road is more than I seem to want to deal with tonight…This is one finish line that is taking it out of me but I know I’ll make it…I just don’t want to be up late tonight or I’ll never be able to drive tomorrow…can I just say sometimes I sure miss just being able to ride in the passenger seat. Boy did I take for granted not having to know where we were going, just looking out the window, playing with the music dial, talking away, reading a book etc. It’s been a bout a year now since I’ve had anyone driving me anywhere and sometimes…I just look forward to the day when I can have my old spot back:). In the mean time…

No big news really…

Love,

Ruth

It’s late and I’m dead tired tonight, should be in bed but for whatever reasons here I am writing…I wonder is it out of habit, do I need to know someone is out there…I don’t think either of those things are true about me…truthfully as I write tonight my feeling in my heart is that when I share what God has done in my life today I sense that it’s like one beggar showing another beggar where to get some food. So…here goes, the following events, feelings, experiences are in no particular order:).

Today I had two men in my life who really ministered to me much more than they even realize. A widow often has moments when she misses the covering of her husband, at last that’s what I experience. I miss the protection and care of a man especially in the areas that are traditionally known as “male” areas. The tire pressure light had again appeared on my car for the past few days, I’ve grown to hate that dumb message…and I decided to have it taken care of before heading out to Michigan. Sue Harris had volunteered the info that anytime I needed it Mel would be fine with me dropping in at his work and he would take care of it. I’m not a person who likes to bother other people, especially at work, and I had no idea what his work schedule was and in fact wasn’t even sure exactly what part of the building he worked in but I decided to face my fears head on and just go for it and ask for help…and I’m so glad I did. I know he was swamped with work but he took the time, patience and care to drive my car in and not only checked the one tire that needed air but also checked the other three and even helped me open up the headset for the DVD player that I hadn’t been able to bust into to replace the batteries for several weeks now all within about 3 minutes. I had a sense of being taken care of which I don’t take for granted at this stage in my life. I hope and pray that he was blessed by God because he definitely blessed me today. THen I went home over lunch and was blessed again…this morning my old neighbor RIchard came and sat at my house while my electrical issues on the outside of my house were taken care of, someone needed to be there in case they needed to do any work on the inside of the house. By the time I got home RIchard was gone and the work was done but when the guy came back to drop off the bill he commented on the older man that had been at my house(Richard) and told me that he was really impressed with him and how “he really looks out for you.” and he continued to go on and on about how obvious it was that Richard cares about me and my girls and looks out for us. I can’t explain it in words but the feeling of being cared for is such a huge hole in my life and just to know that a man in my life is looking out for me, especially on a home repair that I had no clue about was a blessing from God. Richard and Idona watch my girls on Wednesday nights for me to be able to go to small group and while I always say thank you and he always walks us out to our car, tonight I took the time I should take more often and gave him a big hug…and we both had an emotional moment together. Richard told me that when we moved into the neighborhood something just “clicked” with us and his family and we are considered family to them. Oh how God watches over us…And these two men not only provided basic needs for me to day but it was as if I received a fresh hug from Mark…I know these two men are caring for my family today because of Mark’s relationship with them and I’m grateful. Love lives on long after someone dies.

WHich brings me to small group…every week when I meet with Hillary and Amy it’s a fresh hug from Mark to my spirit. we all are constantly aware of the fact that he was the one who set up our group and we all readily admit we would have never initiated it otherwise…what an awesome weekly reminder of his love for me the fact that he knew me better than I even knew myself. Tonight on the way to small group I was tired, it’s almost break from school time and I’m feeling the exhaustion of making the final steps to the finish line. I’m strongly sensing the need to have some alone time, to regroup, refocus…have a 10 hour road trip…just needing some time to reflect and take a break, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. This month has taken more out of me than I even have realized and it’s easy for me to start questioning if I should even be working full time etc. I’ve just felt really overwhelmed this month, in truth I know I just need a break and I need to be refreshed…kind of like a water stand on the side of the road while I’m running this race we call life. I’ve been struggling with the whole issue of “hope” in my life. I try to believe that my best days are yet to come, frankly I have to, it’s too depressing to think anything else…and yet at times I struggle with this. WHen I feel hopeful I watch what I eat better, excercise, take better care of myself overall…when I don’t I tend to let it go and feel even worse. So…I was crying out to God for hope and I kid you not…I had no idea what I was even grasping for but within two seconds I found myself quoting out loud “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you to give you a hope and a future.” I’ve always loved that verse but for it to come into my head in the exact instant that I needed to be reminded that I have a hope and a future was an awesome clear moment for me to know that God was very much aware of my need…and for me… tonight that’s what I needed exactly. By now you probably know that my motto in life or at least one of them is to keep on keeping on…It seems that all through my week I keep on moving forward and don’t even realize the stuff that is attaching itself to me…I realize that I’m getting tired, feeling like a ton of bricks is on my back, feeling overwhelmed but when I go to small group and am able to talk about it it’s as if I leave feeling so much lighter, the baggage of the week is cut off. Doesn’t mean that I have no problems anymore, I still do but some how in carrying each other’s burdens the load is lightened. Hillary has a gift of taking all of my chatter and emotional wanderings and helping me to organize and think through to sift through to find the truth in each situation and to consider possible alternatives to my current situations. I love the fact that she can cry with me and at the same time if I wander she has no problem in holding me accountable to keep drawing closer to God. Amy wasn’t able to make it tonight…sick kids at home but I am so excited to make the trip to San Antonio with her in February!! By the time I left tonight I should have been beyond exhausted…and I can’t say it was a great parenting moment not picking up my kids til 10pm but even though I’m tired having my load lightened, being prayed for, encouraged, loved, listened to…etc. makes it all worthwhile.

On the way home I listened to Jeremy Camp…his “Carried Me” Cd…which is awesome and speaks to my soul deeply.

Tomorrow is about getting ready to head out of town on Friday…tomorrow night Lauren is having a special date with Richard, they’re dressing up and going out to eat together…Lauren is looking forward to it. TOmorrow is also Lydia’s birthday celebration at school. It’s so good to know the end of this first half of the school year is in sight!

I will probably write tomorrow…but then probably not until we get back home on January 6th…two weeks…that should be a long entry:)…unless I have access to a computer before then. I really think God is probably going to blow me over with His presence in the next two weeks and I’m looking forward to being refreshed and taken care of by family. I hope that doesn’t sound pathetic but I would love to have just a little time when I could soak it in…

Anyway…I wish you all a wonderful two weeks, enjoy your families and friends. Remember as I have been reminded that this season is all about “hope”. We live in a world where it’s hard to keep hope alive…financial pressures, job disatisfaction, car breaks down, marriage and parenting issues, etc. but He came so that we could have “hope” to rise above it all and keep on pressing on.

Love,

Ruth

Today was back to school, back to reality…Lauren had forgotten to tell me about an extra choir concert tonight at the school board meeting until this morning…so right now we’re getting ready to head down to the board office for that event. I think it’s a nice honor for a small choir of only 13 fifth graders. Lauren is all dressed up in her black and white, high heels and all…that’s a new venture for her so I hope she is able to walk in them without twisting an ankle. We had a good talk tonight at dinner…it seems that they had watched Charlie Brown’s Christmas today at school during an extra recess time and as it talks about the real meaning of Christmas Lauren took the opportunity and asked her two close friends if they are Christians. The one said yes the other said she believed in God but didn’t know if she was a CHristian or not, just unsure what that even means so Lauren told her a little about having a personal relationship with God…she wasn’t exactly sure how to explain it to her friend but I was proud of her for seeing the opportunity and trying her best to be a light. She has been concerned lately that she hasn’t felt like she’s been hearing God’s voice lately…and realizes she hasn’t been praying much or giving much thought to God…I asked her what made her think this and we talked about some of the lies that play through her mind…”Mom loves Lydia more than me”, “Mom doesn’t care…” etc. I was proud of her that she was able to recognize those as “lies” and I brought it to her attention that the fact that she did recognize those things as lies suggests the fact that she is hearing God’s voice after all. We talked about the love languages and although I’m good at acts of service for her and gifts and probably even quality time…I’m not always so good at affirming words or even physical touch (just hanging out on the couch together relaxing) as I should be, I need to make more effort in those areas with her or at least try to be more aware. She craves my encouragement. Anyway…I left the conversation feeling so proud of her…she saw an opportunity and wasn’t afraid to take it, she is recognizing the lies that play through her mind and she is sensing her desire to be closer to God…all in all I think she’s on the right track by george:).

Just sat with Lydia through her violen practice, that girl is doing awesome for only having taken lessons for a couple of months, her grandparents will be in for a show when we reach Michigan, she’s worked up a Christmas concert (Jingle Bells, Rudolph, and Good King Wenceslas) and playing the violen is no easy task. I can help her with the mental side of it, the fingering and the notes but put a violen in my hands and I can’t make my fingers do what hers are doing…somehow I think she’s going to be quite a violen player when she gets older. Lauren has decided to pick piano back up after the holidays so both girls will have piano and a band or orchestra instrument going. The music teacher in me is very proud of them. I have a feeling Lauren’s eyes will be glued to the director tonight…we watched the video of her other program last night and I showed her how her eyes were everywhere but looking at the conductor and she was surprised at herself…I’m hoping to see that tonight she will have learned from that experience. Truthfully, it rarely bothers me if the girls make a mistake, that’s life, but I sure do love to see them learn from the mistake and not have to keep repeating it.

Had a nice lunch with Lori P. today at “the Bread Company”…of course:). She gave me a beautiful wreath that had mini pictures on it framed from our spring family pictures with Mark, very nice. Her scrapbooking gift is a great way for her to show love to others and I’m thankful that today I was able to experience her gift.

You know I’ve been reading through the Bible this year and I have to say it’s giving me a whole new appreciation for how monumental the arrival of the Messiah was. When you read through the Old Testament you can’t help but be overwhelmed by the hopelessness of the situation…God would do a miracle and provide for the people, they would stay true for a little while but always ended up falling away and God knew they would, they would face serious consequences and then be restored…the whole missing element was grace, a way to be forgiven, a way to have a clean start. I am grateful this Christmas in a whole new way for the fact that I live in the time I do…we so take for granted the gift of God’s grace. I need it and I hope I extend it to others generously.

Love,

Ruth

Believe it or not…we had a snow day today. Mark would have had a cow:). The roads seemed to be fine and even Lauren when she woke up wasn’t sure if I had made a mistake or not thinking that surely we couldn’t be really off today because of the roads. But I had gotten the magic phone call around 5am so…we decided to make a day of it. What happens is everyday we have a snow day we add to the end of the year so…we were supposed to be getting out before Memorial day which would’ve been awesome but now we are backed up to the day after Memorial Day which is still alright compared to going to June 14th last year! I’ve been at home quite a bit of the weekend actually sat and read a whole book yesterday just for fun by Debbie Macomber…she’s my new favorite fun read author:). So today with a whole day before me I was ready to have an adventure with the girls…wanted to do something new and different, make a memory so…I thought why not head out to Grafton, IL, a small river town up the road and just walk around their quaint little shops, it took a little work talking the girls into it but we made it there only to find out that most of their shops were closed…so I had also told the girls we would go sledding so we had thrown in our snow clothes and sleds and went further north to Pere Marquette Park…we had a great time for awhile with a few injuries here and there going down their hill. Lauren is a big time sledder and would have never wanted to leave. The hill had an interesting little ramp in it which we all hit a time or two by accident and let me tell you after the nice smooth airborne moment the landing was unbelievably hard. It was fun and a good way to spend a snow day. Then we came back into town starving and cold and decided to go to…The Bread COmpany…big surprise I know. Of course than we had to make a trip to Walmart…not that we really needed much…I wanted to get the next Debbie Macomber book:)…and the girls wanted to add to their Littlest Pet SHop paraphenelia…I think we spent more time in the checkout line than actually walking around the store but it worked out perfectly for me to get Lydia to her violen lesson right on time. Now we’re at home the girls are playing and I was just able to take advantage of a great six flags offer. Today they were offering 25% of their season passes and the reality is that we always end up going at some point in the summer so…when I looked at the price for those and realized it was the same as what one day would be I decided why not…so now we can go anytime this spring,summer or fall…Lauren was thrilled:).

I’ve discovered that the electical box being ripped off my house does not fall on to the electric company to fix but on to the home owner, since it was a car accident where a police report was filed the driver’s insurance should cover the repairs if all goes well…so tomorrow I need to get an electrician hired to take care of it. I love my insurance people at Country Insurance…they have been so good to me and I have so needed them in the past year. God is good in who He brings into our lives through the necessary things in our lives!

We’re really looking forward to going to Michigan on Friday!!! we were tempted to open some gifts today but we’re good and held off:). It would have involved me getting them out of the car where they are already packed and ready to go so that helped in the decision:). Otherwise no real big news. The girls went over to one of our neighbors house yesterday to play in the snow and to make cookies and she sent me back a lovely sampling of cookies, so nice to enjoy without the effort and clean up:).

Hope your week is going well. I’m getting used to having Mondays off…don’t know what I’ll do when we have to go back to having a full week:). Sometimes I think about trying a different job but then I consider the schedule and think….I don’t think so:). Summer, weekends, holidays, and snow days are wonderful!!

Love,

Ruth

The snow that’s dropped on us this weekend has brought back a lot of memories for me. I’m sure it does for you as well. My mom called this morning…seeing if I was still going to church and told me they were having quite the blizzard up in Michigan as well, in fact my parents had decided it was best to stay at home. Things sure have changed, when I was a kid my parents never missed a Sunday at church, I don’t care what the weather was we were there and I find myself living by the same code of conduct…I knew that it would have been easy for me to say the roads were too bad to go. I don’t have a garage so it meant that I had to dig my car out of the snow and then drive 30 minutes each way to make it but I find in interesting that I never even really considered not going. While I was driving over God met with me in my car, actually I think He just settles into my vacant passenger seat and rides along with me everywhere I go. We had a good time reminiscing over familiar snow memories from the past and it ended up being quite a spiritual experience for me. All of life, the everyday ordinary things of life, have spiritual significance, I love those moments when I fully seem to grasp that God is in everything. If you’ve ever driven through a snow storm or the after effects of one you know what the journey is like. It can be a bit tense, your senses are heightened, you notice everyone around you, you’re more likely to stop and help someone out by the side of the road, and suddenly praying seems to come real natural, and when you reach your destination the joy of arrival is incredible and you sense how God was watching over you the whole time…I could draw a million parralells to everyday life but I have a feeling God can speak to you best about what applies to your life in this scenario.

I was remembering the time when I was 20 years old and I was home from college and wanted to go see Mark who lived 45 minutes away. We had just had a huge snow storm in Michigan, easily at least a foot of snow had fallen and I set out in my little tiny car to go see him. I’m amazed that my mom actually let me go but I have a feeling I was pretty set on wanting to go. However about half way there I was praying to God fervently because with each mile on the journey I realized more and more how in over my head I was and I was afraid I would be in a wreck or off in some ditch at any moment, and these were the days before cell phones. I’ll never forget the shocked look on Martha’s face (Mark’s mom) when I pulled in and we still joke about it. But by golly I made it and even though it was crazy it tells you something about my love for Mark. That man had my attention and my heart and whenever we were in range of each other we wanted to be together. Found myself thinking you could put me in the same scenario today and I’d do the same thing in fact I can’t think of much that I wouldn’t do to see Mark again. That journey was focused, and purposeful and I think I’m basically on the same journey right now…with each passing day I know I’m a day closer to seeing him again. I wonder what our first words will be to each other, I wonder what that first hug will feel like, I seriously would undertake anything to reconnect with him and ultimately that’s why I live with little fear in my life…I face life head on what do I have to lose? Ultimately I know heaven is about God and truthfully I’m sure some of my feelings and thoughts of Mark and God interchange at times. Maybe because Mark and I’s relationship here on earth is a small picture of what it will be like to be in relationship with God in heaven. I don’t understand it all…at least not yet, for now we see things in part (1Cor.13).

I remembered our first Sunday at Durand with Mark pastoring…we had a huge snow storm the night before so only 12 people showed up for church, talk about a small kick off…

I remember a time when we were living in Geneva, IN by a lake and Mark and I had an arguement, it was early on in our marriage, and when he would get mad he would often need to leave for a little while to cool down, I didn’t understand that at the time and was a young bride who was afraid and insecure and when he left that night the roads were bad and I remember being terrified that as he drove around the lake in anger something might happen to him…

Not all memories are good but I’m learning more and more that’s alright. The girls and I have been talking a lot lately about “problems” depending on the day one or the other thinks that I’m zeroeing in more on one of them than the other and they get it in their head that either you’re all bad or perfect, we’ve been talking a lot about the fact that everyone has problems, and no one is perfect, a simple concept and yet such a universal struggle. I used to crave the sweet, steady things I saw in some couples, couples that I thought never fought, always got along, etc. so nice and stable but I’m realizing that ups and downs in life are what add some excitement to life. If everyday I drove the same roads in the same weather and saw the same things  it would get really boring. It’s not that I love to go through the storms, blizzards and freak things that happen on the road or in life but I have to say they keep life exciting and they draw me closer to God. Their’s nothing like praying like your life depends on it driving through bad weather to help you to encounter God in a new way. It’s the same in life…some of my darkest days in marriage actually drew me closer to God and taught me more about myself and Mark than I would have ever dreamed possible. It would’ve never happened if everything was rosy all the time. Mark and I used to laugh when we would hear pastor’s preaching about getting out of your “comfort zone” I can honestly say I don’t know if Mark and I were ever in our “comfort zone”…our frequent line to each other was “Never a dull moment.” We truthfully always lived life on the “edge.” and at this point I’m so glad we did and I continue to try to do the same. I must say this a lot to my kids becuase now they’re repeating it back to me they’ll say “we know mom, live life to the full.” (grin) that phrase “live life to the full” is right up there with my other repeated phrases to the kids “love one another…and live in peace.” I’ve even got some of my kids at school repeating “live in peace.” to me which I think is awesome!

Today as I was shoveling…(nothing like a good snow storm and having to clean off the car, walk through snow drifts and shoveling your own driveway, porch etc. to remind yourself that you are a widow), I had time to think between back breaking loads of snow:)…sometimes I think I would be open to a new relationship someday, the truth is I don’t want to live alone for the next 40 years…other times like today I realize my heart is so connected with Mark I’m not sure how I would even go there in a new relationship or if I would even want to. Now I know if the right person came along I’m sure it would all come together, and it’s not something I sit around worrying about…just a thought. Like I said for me right now…each day is another day when I get up and keep going on the journey always knowing and trying to stay encouraged that I’m getting closer to a reunion with Mark.

Remembering the reunion through the blizzard 17 years ago gives me encouragement to keep going.

Hope your Sunday is going well…

Love,

Ruth

Was surprised to wake up to snow this morning…and plenty of it, it’s still coming down pretty good. I had heard a strange sound in the night last night but assumed it must have been one of our cats or Lauren wandering around so I didn’t get up. However this morning I discovered that someone had a car accident last night and ran into the electric pole across the street from our house which ended up pulling the electric wire and meter box and all off of our house. Ameren has already been out to put the wire back up but I will have to get the rest fixed next week…it’s alright for now…I’m grateful that the person didn’t crash into my vehicle and total it out and I’m praising God that I didn’t park in my normal spot in our driveway…it had been muddy there lately so I had started parking in the front of our house instead on the pavement and today I’m grateful, I’m sure the rod and wires would have come down on our car and done a lot of damage…so all in all I think we made it through that ordeal o.k. but I guess next time I hear some kind of a loud noise I should probably check it out…

The girls are getting ready to go play out in the snow, they found a snow board/scooter thing at Target and are anxious to try it out. So they are going back and forth between playing Littlest Pet shop inside and playing in the snow outside. In a couple of hours they are headed to A.J.’s house for a sleepover. I have no idea what my plans are…seems kind of nice to not have big major stuff to get done. Tonight is the Bethlehem event at Emmanuel…they sure have the weather for it:)…I’m sure it will be great!

Hope your Saturday is going great!

Love,

Ruth

I love Fridays! I decided to surprise the girls a little tonight and plan a little mystery night for them. We didn’t really do anything out of the normal but because they didn’t know where we were going to go next it was “mysterious”. Target was the first stop…Linke’s had given them gift cards last night for Christmas so I figured they would enjoy getting some more stuff for their latest fascination “Littlest Pet Shop”. I also wanted to pick up some new frames for our new family pictures. Then we ate chinese…and then ran to the scrapbook store looking for things that would be helpful to use in the girls Young Author books this weekend. Found lots of stuff to use for Lydia’s dad book (basketball stuff, music, church, boy, dad, wedding, florida vacation stuff, etc.). Lauren is in the process of thinking through her book so we had a little harder time pinning down what she would spend her “million” dollars on and what kinds of stickers/sayings/backgrounds would best convey that but so far she’s got some traveling stuff, some “shopping” stuff, beach stuff, etc. I think we need to make a trip to Archivers to really get a better supply of stuff since they are a huge scrapbook store. I’m sure we could even find medical kinds of stickers, or stickers representing other kinds of stuff. Lauren was a bit stressed out since she hasn’t quite processed out in her mind what it is that she is going to “buy” hence write about. Anyway…then we took in the movie “August Rush” the music teacher in me was anxious to see it since I could tell Music was going to play a huge part of the story line in the movie. We weren’t disappointed…WOW what a great movie for kids and adults!We’ve received all the emails about the Golden Compass so we are avoiding going to that movie but we had a good conversation tonight about how when something is suddenly “bad” or “off limits” it suddenly seems to occupy our thoughts and the desire actually grows to go check it out. We talked about how just thinking “I’m not going to think about it” doesn’t work…we actually have to fill the thoughts with other good stuff to replace the bad. I’m glad for my kids to realize early on the attraction of “the forbidden” and to realize that it’s not in our own willpower that we avoid it…

We are currently at home where the kids are playing littlest pet shop…it only took me a half an hour to untie, cut and pull apart every tiny minute piece so that they could play with it….good grief!

Today on my ride home from school I was struggling with the reality that this is the time of year when I should probably be dropping a few of my choir students. I have a few kids that by their behavior and participation show that they don’t belong but I really struggle with this…their’s something in me that naturally wants to give them one more chance, even though I don’t enjoy the torture later. Some of the kids I have come from such rough home lives and they tend to attach themselves to me simply because they know I care…it’s overwhelming when you’re seeing the problems daily and knowing that all is not well and realizing that their is only so much you can do in a forty minute class. And in the process I am required to teach some music…since that is what I’m hired for. The truth is that most of the time I think my main job is just caring and listening to my students, trying to give them some encouragement to keep going. Tonight coming home I realized their are a lot of days when I come home from school feeling like a failure…I see probably around 500 students every week so it is a feat in itself just to be able to call them by their name. I wish I could do more…Then I come home to my own two kids and so often realize my shortcomings with them. It dawned on me today that I actually had the audacity about 6 years ago while I was in a small group and the topic of failure came up to say that I wasn’t sure what it really felt like to struggle with failure…I’ve definitely come full circle with that whole topic, my comments would be completely different at this stage in my life. Today I found myself singing in my car the simple hymn Amazing Grace…and realized that the song had come to me because I need all the grace I can get and I need to extend all the grace I can to others as well. I’m asking God to help me redefine “success” and “Failure” in my mind. Somehow I have a feeling that some of the times I feel like a failure are not really times when God sees me as a failure. And it could also be very well that some of the times when I feel that I’ve succeeded may be times when really I haven’t in God’s eyes. It’s just something I want to think through and ponder more in the coming weeks. As if on cue God’s timing was perfect and when I pulled into the Linke driveway to pick up the girls Lauren did a really unusual thing. She walked up to my window and I could tell she was going to say something so I rolled it down and she simply said “I love you ” Lauren is a loving girl but doesn’t usually just have those words be the first things she says to me…she’s getting into those years when she likes to say bye to me before she is in the presence of her school friends, so for that to be the first thing that came bubbling out of her mouth was very unusual. And I didn’t know how much I needed to hear the words from her until she said them. They were a beautiful gift to me a sign that maybe what I see as my “failures…” God is actually using to achieve far greater success in my daughter’s lives than I can see or realize. Who knows…

Anyway…tomorrow we do piano, ice skating and then the girls are having a sleepover at A.J.’s house to go CHristmas shopping for me and to just hang out. I don’t have any plans but will just enjoy having some alone time. On Sunday after church I’m hoping to work on the girls books with them. Hope your weekend goes great!

Love,

Ruth

I’d like to think that what I’m about to write will be somewhat rational but I can’t guarantee it. I thought that I would be triumphantly yelling out in capital letters tonight “I’M FINISHED WITH CHRISTMAS PROGRAMS.” Instead I feel like I’ve crossed the finished line but I’m not sure if my body, soul and mind are still intact. I was joking with Lauren, at least half-joking with her on the way home from the program tonight that I think I needed CPR, a paper bag to breathe into or something. I had the verse run through my mind the one about being persecuted but not crushed and I found myself thinking “No…when I check my body, mind and soul I think I’m pretty much crushed.” I know that doesnt’ sound very spiritual and how it can be that when Mark passed away I could declare that and yet tonight after two incredibly exhausting, intense weeks I’m struggling to do so is a mystery to me. I take comfort in the fact that when my team teacher (Cathy)walked in today she looked just as rung out as me and made the comment that she didn’t know if she was coming back after CHristmas break. I knew she wasn’t stating a fact but rather an overwhelming feeling of being done in after this months programs. It’s funny less than two weeks ago I was feeling like I was flying…after the sixth grade program, I was so proud and excited about teaching and about my students…let’s just say that feeling has dissapated and I’ve crashed fairly hard from that mountain top experience, now I find myself trying to climb tooth and nail out of the valley I find myself in.

I did make it throught adequately tonight on the piano which was a relief. My girls are pretty worn out of being the music teachers daughters…their tired of showing up an hour before the program and having to kill time before the show starts and with no one sitting exactly beside them to monitor they’ve usually done pretty well but tonight when I needed to have every ounce of my being focused on the notes and turning the next page, tonight was the night they decided to try out whispering back and forth and then letting it escalate to the typical car ride stuff…her legs are on my side, she hit me, etc. My mind, back and brain were already needing to be 100% focused on the task at hand and when they started up I have a pretty good evil eye but it wasn’t doing the trick, I actually got up after a song, fortunately others were moving too and had to split them up. If fire could’ve come out of my eyes it would have I’m sure. I found myself thinking “they have no idea the stress I’m under and how they are adding to it.” and frankly…they don’t but truthfully of course they don’t, they’re kids. We’ve had way to much yelling around my home lately. And I often struggle with the fact that I don’t seem to remember my mom having to yell at me so hence “what is wrong with me”….leading to guilt and feelings of failure. It’s a different time, my mom was a stay at home mom, money was always tight but she did the housework while we were at school, did her daily quiet time with God, baked homemade bread, had dinner ready on the table every night precisely by 5 or 5:30. I’m sure part of the scenario is the fact that I  was a kid and probably have not remembered all the details of what her life was like. However, it is so incredibly different when you are trying to parent and work fulltime and also do the volunteer work you should do, to try and have something left for yourself to try and remember who you are as an individual, etc. let alone dealing with a marriage relationship. Occasionally on days like today I find myself wondering why I’m working full-time. How much more available and chilled out could I be if I wasn’t. I mean the idea behind me working is that I’m trying to use the abilities that God has given me to make a difference in the lives of the kids I see everyday, but once in awhile I wonder if that comes at a sacrifice to my own two kids and whether the sacrifice is worth it. Obviously today is not the day to think that whole issue through…

I’m completeing the race and I’m making it over the finsh line but they’re going to have to bring out a gurney to pick meup off the finish line. That’s how I’m feeling tonight. Going through the past two weeks without Mark’s help and support have been really hard. Parenting alone is overwhelming at times. Tonight I’m just exhausted, going to go collapse in bed. I guess I’m just needing to sense that this rat race I find myself in is worth the effort and energy it’s taking from me. It was kind of humourous tonight when I was getting out of my car at home and had the door open by the roadside another car went by and a kid yelled out their window “Hi Mrs. Jackson” I don’t even know who it was but as silly as it sounds I needed that encouragement to know that a kid would consider our relationship valuable enough to want to say hi as they drove by.

None of this is meant to sound like I think my life is terrible and that I’m having a pity party. I’m just physically, mentally, emotionally drained and I need to make it through another week of school. I know I will, if I know anything about myself it’s that I know I can do all things through Christ. I’m a “can do” kind of person. I tend to think I can do it all, every once inawhile that just seems to all catch up with me and I find myself sending out signals that read “May day…may day Ruth is about to crash”. The sad thing is that their was a time in my life when I had someone to send those signals to, someone who picked up on those signals even before I realized I was about to crash and burn. I don’t have that person anymore. I have great friends but you know what I mean. I don’t have the other half of me.

The good news is that some ladies at my church are going to San Antonio for a ladies weekend in February for the National Women of Faith conference and they invited me to go along. I have talked my good friend Amy into going along with me and I am so excited to think about the two of us being able to get away from it all. Our homes, church, jobs, kids, life responsibilities and just have a long weekend to have fun, and have some time for ourselves. Ladies, admit it how often do you find that you can’t even remember who you are, you’ve given so much of yourself away, their’s nothing left. I know I’ve felt that way. I’m really excited because I’ve never been to San Antonio but heard it’s a great place to go, and I’m excited about the speakers and singers we will hear from and I’m really excited to have some time with a good friend so that we can become even better friends. I asked my girls if they were o.k. with me going and they gave me their blessing…(which makes me wonder how bad things have been around here lately…they seemed pretty clear on the fact that mom needs a break in the near future:). I’m hoping that my mom can come down and stay with my kids while I’m gone. Lauren is going to a Dare to Share conference with our youth group into St. Louis on the same weekend so I’m sure that will be a nice time for her as well.

Anyway…can you see why I do all of my Christmas deco and shopping before Thanksgiving…I’m so glad it’s all done. If I had to face all that right now I think I would just have to climb in bed and pull the blanket over my head and not come out. It’s fun at this point to be starting to pass out our gifts here and there. Lydia’s birthday is fast coming up…she’ll be 9 on the 21st. I did get my Christmas cards in the mail today so I felt good about that:). My problem is that I often hold myself to the standard of a stay at home mom, the cleaning, baking, creating, crafty things, time with the kids, etc. on and on and also I hold myself to the standard of the working mom…the ability to balance it all, to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan I guess. Usually I would say I can….bring home the bacon…today my feeling is I’m not so sure if I can…or even if I want to.

This too shall pass….

Ruth