The Jackson Family Online

Today I’m getting ready for our trip this weekend. I’ve got the car filled up,going to get it washed and cleaned on the inside and out (for some reason it just always feels better to start out clean when I know I’m going to be in the car quite a bit). We’re packed for the most part so now we are just getting through our daily stuff until we can go. I’m just looking forward to a weekend away, no high expectations except to relax, be pampered, shop a little, let the girls ice skate, maybe read a book and get some sleep. Sounds like a slice of heaven at least for three days:). I’ve never been to Kansas City so I’m sure that I’ll face a few adventures getting to the right spot, finding a parking spot etc. but that’s alright. My luggage is on wheels so I’m good to go:). Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and if I don’t blog before we leave (yeah right…) then I’ll catch up with you all on Monday. Looks like it will be 60 degrees in Kansas City and Sunny on Saturday…woo hoo!! I threw in some capris and sandels you never know…might need em’.

Love,

Ruth

Their are a variety of reasons why I blog everyday…one, well I just have a lot going on in my mind and rarely anyone to talk it all out with on a daily basis so this gives me the chance to unload and process a little. Two it’s a connection for me…when you all respond I feel connected to other people and for a single woman that’s something I don’t take for granted. Three, for my kids…I want to make sure that I am “documenting” as much as possible simply so that when they are of an age where they might want to know more about their mom and dad, or just want to understand what life was like for me they can have this resource to read through if they ever would want to. Fourth, it seems to be a witness to those I don’t even know of the greatness of God. Fifth…it gives those of you who pray for me and care about me an idea of where I am and how to pray better or to care more deeply. Sixth, over everything it gives me a place to give God glory for the big and small stuff in my life and for me to have a place where I can remember what He has done for me in the past, what He is doing today and gives me hope for what He will do in the future. (There are probably several more reasons I blog if I gave it more thought but those are the reasons that popped into my brain). So…let me just tell you the story I’m going to tell you in the next paragraph is not about Ruth…and I hesitate to share it because it could come off as being prideful or arrogant. The only reason why I’m sharing it is to give God the glory and to shout out again how good God is.

Tonight I had some time on my hands which was kind of wierd in a nice way. I debated about what to do, take a nap…read a book, shop, etc. I knew that by 7pm I needed to be to small group but had about 3-4 hours to enjoy. So I headed to Edwardsville, not really knowing where I would end up but figured I would just flow with it…I even asked God what He would want me to do with the time. I ended up sitting in Border’s parking lot for awhile talking with my sister in law Amy which was really awesome…she and I are going to have several adventures together this summer, being out west, camping at The Hills, and going to Washington D.C. Then I went and hung out in Borders…nothing to big. Decided I was hungry…but it was the dilemma of where to go to eat, when you’re by yourself it’s not the same as going with someone out to eat so I was trying to decide whether to fast food it or what. While I was driving I saw the restaurant “Wild Buffalo Wings” I had never been there before and the girls seemed hesitant to try it out when I had asked them about it but for some reason it just sounded like a “Mark” restaurant so I decided to check it out. Figured I’d just march bravely in on my own and have an adventure. While I was sitting there, I noticed a family from Emmanuel sitting in a booth across the room. The timing was pretty uncanny and I don’t think they live in Edwardsville so I’m not sure how they happened to be there but I enjoyed watching them. When you’re sitting all alone…well what are you supposed to do except stare at your food or at people:). They have two girls and for whatever reason they are at the age where I could just picture what Mark and I must have looked like a few years back. I remembered the feelings I had then…money was tight, the stresses of life at that age etc. and God prompted me with the idea of buying their meal for them…now I’m only sharing this with you because it was so awesome that God put me in a place where I was given the opportunity to be His hands and feet to a family that I rarely come in contact with, they ended up having a God moment along with the waitresses involved for a few dollars that I won’t even miss. I tried to exit before they would realize that it was me…but didn’t get it all dealt with fast enough, the couple came over and gave me a hug and the mom got teary eyed, it seems that she had, had a bad day for whatever reason, we didn’t get in to it and I think the one kind act I did gave her encouragement from God. I left the restaurant in awe. Too many things lined up to be a coincidence…God is incredibly good…He could have provided for them in a million different ways but He let me receive the blessing of giving which was awesome.

I went over to The Bridge for small group…we are currently packing up to move, so the church is a grand mess but a lot of progress has been made, moving is such a job. I would ask that you would pray for Pastor Ben and Julie and kids, Pastor Scott and Hillary and kids, and Amy Kozlowski and kids along with a host of other volunteers. I know it’s been an incredibly large undertaking and it’s by far not done yet. I also know that in the mean time Pastor Ben still has to preach this Sunday. And get this…he’s starting a sermon series on Excellence…(SOmehow I have a feeling God’s giving him all kinds of practical illustrations to use in this series right now:). This is an incredibly big time for our church and we all feel it…we had 180 people at church on Sunday and hit our goal in transition giving…I’m excited about what God is doing and is going to do. Tonight Hillary and I went over to the school where we will be meeting and prayed and I’m so excited about the building we will get to meet in during our “transition” time, it’s perfect for now. I’m praying that this first weekend services will be out of this world. That God’s presence will be experienced in new and deeper ways than ever before. Please pray for my church if God puts it on your heart. Please pray for these families I mentioned earilier…it’s a time when their’s not much “family” time and that can be hard on marriages and parenting issues. Please pray for the unity of our church, it would be a time when it could be easy to become disunited and stressed. This Saturday is a big work day, the girls and I will be out of town and we’ll miss the first service which I do feel bad about…but I know things are really going to take off in our new location, I just sense it, I’m excited and committed to the vision of “Connecting people to God and to each other”

By the way…funny side note…Lydia and I at lunch had an interesting conversation about John being beheaded…she had gotten to that part in Matthew…their sure is some strange stuff in the Bible…I love seeing my kids read these stories for the first time and then being able to talk about it:).

Tomorrow I pack us up to head out for the weekend on Friday…looking forward to taking it easy for a couple of days. Hope your week is going well…the weekend is almost here!

Love,

Ruth

As I’ve stated before…sometimes I wonder what I’ll write about on this blog…I mean I lead a pretty ordinary life and yet I’m always amazed at how either as I type or somehow during my day I get a thought, have a God moment, or something that feels like I want to share about. It always takes me by surprise when that moment happens even before the school day starts but today that’s what happened.

I was at the girls school for their Young Author parent breakfast and I ran into Mrs. Dubblede, Lauren’s 4th grade teacher from last year. It’s that time of the year when I start thinking about who my kids will have for teachers next year and I really was happy with Lauren’s fouth grade experience. Mrs. Dubblede has been teaching forever, probably 35 years and still enjoys it! That’s saying a lot right there. So, today I asked her if she was coming back next year, knowing that she is able to retire anytime she chooses to. I want to ask for her to be Lydia’s fouth grade teacher. We ended up having an amazing conversation, becuase little did I know but Mark had talked with her last spring, while he was in hospice care while he was at the Donuts with Dad Breakfast with the girls and he had asked her to stay long enough to get Lydia through fourth grade and she made him a promise that she would. Wow!! The wave of love from Mark was incredible…he knew he wouldn’t be around but he was still trying to take care of our girls in their future as much as he could. I was so grateful and humbled again at how much he loved/loves Lauren and Lydia and myself. I was also overcome with a wave of love from Mrs. Dubblede…she told me “Now don’t get me crying, but I made your husband a promise before he died and I fully intend to keep that promise.” You know it’s ironic because when we first moved to Alton 7 years ago people talked very poorly about the Alton Public School system, especially Christians…most of the families we knew from church were either moving to other smaller communities, putting their kids in private school or homeschooling and Mark and I made a tough decision…we decided to put our kids in public school. Not an easy decision for any parent, especially when the comments we heard were so negative, but can I just go on record right here as saying “God is bigger than the yucks in public school!!” God has watched over my kids at every turn and to have regularly Christian teachers who encourage my kids to do the right thing and affirm them, to have teachers who walked my children through the death of their dad beautifully, and now to have a teacher who made a promise to my husband and could’ve easily not fullfilled it say “I’ll be back…I keep my promises.” Wow!! I’m so excited for Lydia already, guaranteed she will have a wonderful year! And guaranteed I will do everything in my power and resources to let that teacher now how much I appreciate her. You know one time I put a comment on the report card where parents sign and just expressed my appreciation for all that the teacher was doing every day for my child and she literally stopped me in the hall with tears in her eyes…appreciation was so rarely expressed that one little sentence had touched her heart! My girls have been and are being fully taken care of…do they have some yahoos in their class who are a pain…no doubt but show me one school that doesn’t have a few of those:). And next year I will have Lauren in choir…somehow I think she’ll get a whole new view of Mrs. Jackson:).

God is good and he does care about every detail and provides even before we ask. It is such an incredible thing to feel Mark’s care and protection even now and to know that even though many things weren’t expressed in words to me…he did try to take care of us often without me even realizing it. It was also a gift to Lydia when I shared the story with her…today she shared her book called “My Dad” at school…it was good but hard for her to talk about in front of her class. She said Mrs. Hoefert her teacher was just about in tears as Lydia talked…today I am so grateful for teachers who haven’t given up on the public school system and have dug in and still care about the kids there. I’m with em’…I told Lydia at lunch when I teach kids especially in my sixth grade choir class and see them everyday they become “my kids” Lydia responded with “I guess I have a bunch of brothers and sisters that I didn’t even realize…” What a beautiful thought and more true than she even realizes.

Hope your day was/is wonderful!

Love,

Ruth

Happy Tuesday,

It’s been a great day overall…cold and windy but still good:). Tuesdays are set up so nicely for me…a natural good reward after nine back to back classes is lunch at Lori’s house, and as she always says the food is good but the true reward is friendship. The regular kind of friendship where we just seem to get to know each better all the time. Today I learned about her new camera that she got for Christmas, very interesting, her and David are actually taking classes to learn how to use it…for several sessions…very impressive:). I also got to see some of her scrapbooking which she is truly gifted at. I know not everyone is in to scrapbooking but for me it’s just another way that people share their heart through pictures and journaling so I connect with that and see it’s value.

Last night while I was blogging I said something about wholeness…that God is taking my split personality and bringing me to wholeness again. The funny thing is that I hadn’t even given that any thought until it came rambling out on the screen in last night’s blog. I didn’t even realize that wholeness is what I’m craving…or at least one of the many things I am craving. But it’s true…I long to be whole again…in truth I guess we all do, we all have holes somewhere in our lives and we crave wholeness, the kind that only God can bring about and I’m not sure if it can even happen on this side of heaven but I do think we can be drawing ever closer to it everyday. So…today I find myself saying “o.k. God make me whole, I submit to you and bring you all the pieces again of my life and ask that you would make something beautiful out of it all.” No new concept there, I’ve sung the song myself many times over the years but for whatever reason that word “wholeness” is bumping around in my brain, causing me to think through things in a different light.

Tonight was guitar which went well, I’m getting better each week which is nice to see and feel and makes it worth the effort. The girls are currently doing their normal things, homework, piano (Lydia is fittingly playing I Surrender All at the moment:), violen and drum. I think we will hit the hay early, tomorrow is before school choir and then a quick run to the girls school for a parent breakfast of young author kids, I’m hoping to squeeze 15 minutes in there before starting my regular classes. Tomorrow night Richard is giving me a little break…he’s picking up the kids after school, and taking care of their nightly routines, taking Lauren to drum lesson, doing dinner, etc. with and for them and I get a break after school until small group (we’re meeting at our new location…the middle school). So that will be a little treat in the middle of my week. Fun for the kids, fun for me…win win. By thursay I’m going to be packing us up to hit the road for Kansas City on Friday, the weather is looking great for the weekend, even up to 60 degrees!! Bring it on!

Hope your day was marvelous:)

Love,

Ruth

I just watched an incredibly good movie on ABC called “A Raisin in the Sun”. Don’t know if any of you happened to watch it but…wow it was heart breaking and triumphant all in two hours. That’s my kind of movie:).

Well I had mentioned that I thought I would reward myself with a nap at lunch…decided instead to go grocery shopping, not a big deal but truthfully I haven’t done a full trip of grocery shopping in quite awhile. I have to admit cooking for me is not something that I find a lot of thrill and enjoyment in. I think I used to when Mark had an appetite. But for the past months and even more than a year now I’ve felt very little motivation to cook. However, part of the whole watching what I eat thing and helping the girls be healthy as well has got to be me fixing meals here at our house. That’s how I grew up, we never went out to eat, I could probably count on my two hands the times we went out to eat as a kid and I know I was healthy then so…I grocery shopped:). And tonight Lauren and I both even walked on the treadmill and it felt great! Somehow I have to transfer the rewards that get me into trouble into rewards that may not look inticing at first but afterwards end up feeling like a reward. And yes I have thought a whole lot about the denying oneself and taking up our cross but it also dawned on me that God talks a lot about rewards too so it’s not as if He didn’t make us to desire rewards. I just have to think through the right rewards…ultimately heaven and being with God…but even here and now God gives plenty of rewards for me to enjoy…I’ve just got to stop satisfying myself with things that are less than what I should be satisfying for. Their’s nothing wrong with an occasional sweet treat, an occasional shopping moment…but truth be told, when I’m still and sit in God’s presence…that’s a reward too, when I watch the sun rise, when I hold my children in my arms, and a multitude of other things I could list those things are rewards. God made us to live to the full, the abundant life…nothing wrong with enjoying the pleasures He gives in this life…but sometimes…I just satisfy for less than His best. I want that immediate gratification rather than the wait for something that will be so much better. Read in Romans today that trials produce perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope and that hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. (Romans 5) Sometimes I think my problem is that I put my hope in things that do disappoint…it’s incredibly disappointing to put hope in a new outfit, a fancy meal and all the dessert I could enjoy, it’s disappointing to put my hope into a house remodeling project, or definitely in a clean house (we all know how long that lasts). But when I put my hope in God…well that’s all together different. I know as I say that it sounds so abstract, what in the world does that mean. But I can tell you the fact that God’s promises are true and everlasting the fact that He never changes, not yesterday, today or tomorrow. The fact that He’s in charge of my permanent home and is right not tayloring it just for me, and many more facts that I could give about God makes my hope in Him rock solid. I also read in Romans today about Abraham in Chapter 4 it says “He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God. And being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. And therefore “It was accounted to him for righteousness.” Wow…that’s the kind of hope and faith I want to have. I would love for it to be said about me…Ruth did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, she was strengthened in her faith, giving glory to God. And being fully convinced that what God had promised He was also able to perform. And therefore it was accounted to her for righteousness. That sounds like the kind of reward I desire, in my inner being. You know…God created it all…nothing wrong with a scoop of ice cream, a new dress, or whatever this world might want to entice with you…He’s alright with me treating myself occasionally I’m sure…but I’ve got to know at the core of me that I’m not leaning on that kind of stuff to get me through. I want the rewards I’m focused on to be eternal, life changing, real, lasting, focused, intentional. And I can honestly tell you I want all of my hope to be in my Creator…not His creation. I’m feeling a little more balanced at the moment but in truth I know things will never be in complete balance until I’m in my home in heaven…that’s again just something that is inside me reminding me to be homesick for heaven. I will continue to do my best while I’m here, deal with the days that are out of whack and pull myself back in when I need to, but God knows as I do…I don’t have it all together anymore than the next person. For today I rejoice in the fact that my refrigerator and cupboards are well stocked. I rejoice in the fact that I made a healthy dinner for my girls and I, I rejoice in the fact that I’m not in the middle of any crazy projects (I actually considered painting this past weekend…but held off:), I rejoice that I’m caught up on my bible reading…in fact I’m ahead a little:), I rejoice that I did exercise today, that I have a plan in mind for the rest of the week for my lesson plans at school, I rejoice that I had a good amount of time tonight to just sit and unwind and wasn’t just a crazy whirlwind, I even had opportunity to talk with family tonight on the phone, I rejoice that Lauren has now read through Matthew and Mark and is starting Luke tomorrow night…and she’s able to talk about what she’s reading and is totally into it. I rejoice that we are healthy at the moment, that nothing is leaking, and that I have everything I need and more, and I rejoice knowing that God knows me better than I know myself and even though I feel like a split personality most of the time…He doesn’t see me that way…He sees the complete whole person He made me to be and He is in the process of restoring wholeness into my life, without me even realizing it. I rejoice knowing that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. God is good…and I just want to fix my eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of my faith and keep moving forward.

By chance if I made you feel guilty at all today about any rewards you have or use…please know that was not my intention…that’s between you and God, and I wasn’t pointing the finger at anyone but myself:). As my girls and I have talked about…I don’t want to be a person who is worried about the speck in someone elses eye and miss the plank in my own:). That was an interesting concept to talk about with the girls when they got to that part of scripture. I love the questions they have, they are so soaking it in, Praise God!

Have a great day!

Love,

Ruth

Tomorrow is guitar…and I did actually practice this week:)…I think I’m actually ready to move from the key of G to the key of D…progress!!

And Carrie, I so appreciate you opening your heart up in your comment…and please know that you are on my mind…I’m not sure what you need, and I definitely can’t fix anything:)…but I’m just taking your name before God and asking Him to reveal Himself to you in new ways…so all I can say is look for it…read your bible, expect to hear from Him. He loves you and your family…me too, thank you for your caring for me and the girls, the plaque you gave us (o.k. I just reread this line and realized I still think in terms of “us” how bizarre, I think their should be a new category of singleness…for the person who is single but still thinks and acts like they are married:) at the funeral hangs in my bedroom and I enjoy reading it often. Thank you!

Today I have the whole idea of “rewards” on my mind. I did real well back in the fall working on losing some weight but lately I’ve been finding some of it back on myself. This fall I didn’t have any problem stepping on the scales…wanted to, it was a reward to see it go down. Today after many days without stepping on the scales I stepped back on and it was definitely not a reward but the reality that I have been rewarding myself lately again with food. I seem to go through spurts, sometimes it’s food, sometimes its shopping, sometimes it’s doing some major project or having a cleaning compulsion, rarely is it taking a nap, although I have to admit this morning I got out of bed thinking and looking forward to a nap at lunch. I find myself wondering today why I so need to reward myself. And I know I’m no stranger to the idea of “rewards”. I have a friend:)…who ran 9 miles over the weekend and then ate two pieces of pie last night and when I teased her…she said I ran 9 miles and this was her reward…we smile at the irony of it but truthfully I can get pretty caught up in my little reward systems I set up. I reward myself for making it through the morning…I mean nine classes back to back…I deserve one right:). I reward myself for being a single parent and still accomplishing with my kids the things that many two parent homes don’t accomplish, I deserve it right:). I reward myself in so many ways and this morning after stepping on the scales I’m thinking I need to reevaluate my whole system of rewards and maybe consult God about it all. Somehow I have the word “deny yourself” coming to my brain and I’m thinking my whole system of rewards may be the American dream but I have a feeling it’s not God’s dream for my life. So…what should my life look like…I’m not sure…but I think I need to give it some thought. Maybe the rewards I’ve mentioned aren’t your vices, food, shopping, sleep, etc. but I have a feeling if you look closely you might find yours too. Even this blog is a reward to me…it’s an escape and it always feels good to hear the praise or compliments I receive on this blog and while encouragement is good…I think everything can be taken too far. Sometimes for me it’s reading books…talk about a reward, nothing like escaping my world to put myself into some other world. I don’t have the answers on this subject but I have a feeling God wants to teach me some things about Himself and about myself at the same time…and I want to try and rethink some of the stuff I do, buy, think, eat, etc. and try again to learn what it means to deny myself, to take up my cross, to lose my life for His sake. Somehow I dont’ hear any rewards mentioned in any of that. I find myself crying out to God again on this Monday morning saying God you’re going to have to teach me how to live…because I don’t have a clue how to change. But I know I want to…

A regular subject in my small group is the whole issue of “balance” sometimes I think I need to quit working and stay at home so I can finally achieve a balanced life…obviously that’s not the answer, all I have to do is look at my summers to know that. I think the whole issue of balance and rewards go hand in hand…many of my “rewards” take balance out of my life, they take up my time, my energy, and cause consequences that put my life out of whack. So…that’s where I am…no real answers but at least the thoughts are stewing in my brain and I’m open to hear from God…we’ll see what happens. In the mean time I’m back to drinking water and watching what I eat…ugh! I refuse to gain back anymore weight!

Have a great day!

Ruth

What do you all think about balance and rewards…would love to hear your comments and insights, struggles and victories…

I don’t do this very often but I just sat and read through several days of blogging from last year at this time…this was a critical time for us…it’s when everything started to change without us even realizing it. As I read my thoughts a year ago I remember that I was sure Mark would make it through, thought he was just being pessimistic. Can I just say as I read through the last week and first couple of weeks of March it’s incredibly obvious to me that God was carrying us and I didn’t even realize it. His love and presence was like a blanket covering our little home and the cares of our lives.

Today has truly been a day where the “two become one” thing is so hard to deal with. You know when you get married…you hear those words and you light the unity candle, etc. but you really have no comprehension of what the two becoming one deal is or how it will impact your life forever. I’ve said it before but again today my mind has dwelled on the fact that part of me is just gone…it’s already in heaven and part of Mark is permanently in me here. It’s amazing to me to realize just a year ago my desire for heaven would’ve been pathetic if I was really honest…yeah a great place to go once you’ve lived a full life here I guess but still I thought my life here was so worth hanging on to. HOw can it be that my views have so totally changed. I now look around and see people hanging on to their lives here and wonder why….what is so incredible about life here that you wouldn’t want to leave. This life seems like just the prelude. Now of course I’m not saying I don’t want to be here for my kids…I do and I will enjoy every moment that I’m here to the best of my ability but still…this is all just preparation. Today I felt incredibly homesick, is it because part of me is gone, is it because I’m lonely, is it because this world is not my home. I don’t know, probably a mix of all of these things and more…but all I know is it felt like everything happening around me was surreal. Pastor Scott mentioned that he could see in my face that I wasn’t o.k. and I was trying to look o.k. but the honest truth is that I just couldn’t pull it off. Today I felt lonely in the crowd. I felt like I got the bad end of the deal. I felt a mixture of anger, sadness, and a host of other emotions that I can’t even name. I tried to explain it to the girls…I’m not sure that conversation made any sense but I tried. The two really do become one, not just figuratively but in truth how do you seperate yourself from someone when you’re dreams, hopes, goals, plans, struggles, joys are all so intertwined. I’m not sure that anyone can understand how ripped apart I feel at times within my soul unless you’ve experienced the two becoming one and then had one of you ripped off. All things heal…they do, but still…

Sometimes I feel so split…I want to be here for my kids, they need me and I love them more than life itself and yet I so want to leave this world behind me. I tried to explain it to Lauren by relating it to her in her terms… I said it’s like Dad is at Disney World having the time of his life, never lonely, never lacking any good thing, no worries, etc. and I’m at home going through the daily grind, getting ready each day, working, etc. Sometimes that just ticks me off and I want to say hey…I want to be in paradise too. Obviously I still have a lot of purposes here to accomplish and I know Mark didn’t choose to leave…that helps. But still it’s a struggle. Seems incredibly unfair and I guess that’s what it all circles back down to…the fact that life isn’t fair. What a revelation there right! When I try to explain the struggle I know it sounds pathetic, or maybe depressed…I just don’t know how to exactly explain it but if you’ve lost your “two becomes one” person you know what I’m talking about I’m sure. And all of a sudden heaven takes on a totally different sense of priority and urgency. You begin to wonder why we even care about half of the stuff we care about here on this earth. It just all seems like the introduction and frankly I’m eager to get to the real story.

I think in some wierd way it makes sense that I feel so split on so many things and emotions…I only have half of me to handle it and half of Mark. We were always quite the opposites and so no wonder I feel like I’m crazy:).

I apologize for filling your email box today…I try to normally write everything in one blog but for some reason today has been hard for me. I can’t decided if I want to crawl in bed and stay there for a week, or head to a boxing room and kick and punch out my aggression. A friend tonight was being put in the position where he was going to be responsible for several kids alone…since Mark is no longer able to be involved to help and he made the comment in jest and please don’t take it offensively but I include it to prove a point…”I’ve been screwed.” referring to the fact that because Mark isn’t around he is getting dumped on…and all I could say was “Welcome to my world…” Their are days when I simply feel that kind of emotion. I’m not saying it’s spiritual, I’m not saying it’s even respectable or kind but it is frustrating. We all know good and well Mark isn’t feeling lonely tonight, he isn’t feeling anything negative, their is peace, joy, fellowship with God, etc. he’s living in paradise for crying out loud…and while I am very happy for him, and truthfully I am, somedays all I want is to go there too.

O.k. I’m not beating myself up, I’m not trying to be disrespectful to Mark, he would’ve gladly stayed here with me even if he had to battle health issues the rest of his life. Tomorrow morning will buzz around and I’ll be fine, I always am…just every once in awhile I deal with the whole “two become one” thing and it’s bizarre beyond words and it makes me feel like I’m physically present but already half gone on the inside. Lonely in a crowded room…

Ruth

O.k. and the comment that I approved a couple back  from Allen…I’m not even sure what all of the technology stuff was in your comment but if you’re able to be drawn closer to God through these words than that’s a miracle in itself.

Wayne just dropped by to set up the drum set for Lauren and wow what a difference! and he was able to show her how to get both hands and feet going to have a nice steady beat and Lauren picked it up right away!! I guess Mark’s set is pretty good…has all of the necessary ingredients and is of good quality…For whatever surge of anger I felt this morning…I have to admit right now Mark is so missing out on hearing his daughter play his set…I have a feeling it will be a life set for Lauren to keep. And I am again so grateful for good friends that went out of there way to help me out, and to care for my girls. Big thanks to Wayne, Monica and Adam!

Love,

Ruth

Happy Sunday,

Hope your day of rest is going well. Stacy went to church again with us this morning and I think she is fast feeling like The Bridge is her church as well which is awesome, she is such great company that it’s always nice to have her along for the ride. I’m hoping that Jerrod will come along soon and I know she is hoping for the same. Today was our last Sunday morning service at The Bridge…which can be a fairly emotional thing. Everyone has different feelings on a day like today. For myself…I found that I was feeling a little detached from all of the emotion. As I sat wondering why I was feeling the way I was I realized my whole life I have been moving, I’ve lived in 13 different houses over my 37 years. I’ve attended regularly at least 14 different churches…in fact I think that’s why I’ve come out of my shell over the years…basically out of necessity, when you start going to a different church you have to make all new friends. As a pastor’s kid and wife this was a normal process for me to go through on a regular basis. I guess for me…the fact that the people are going to stay the same and we are just shifting locations by about a mile doesn’t seem earth shaking. I’m also one of those odd birds who I can genuinely say I like change. When pastors say from the front of the pulpit “None of us like change” I tend to think “no…honestly I do and am usually ready to go…” I don’t hang on to much…Mark always said he had to  keep moving or I would throw him out:). I’m so used to packing, unpacking and settling I can do it in a day (pictures on the walls and everything even two days before delivering a baby:) Lovely Durand memories there. I tend to chomp at the bit for things like that…so…I’m excited about the future and truthfully moving forward always gives me a feeling of being one step closer to where I want to be eventually.

This morning I felt a strong urge of anger quickly pass through me…I just wanted a peaceful get ready morning….yeah right…and I found myself getting a little angry with Mark…a little irrational here but it did come and go quickly. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard being the one left behind…I mean after all he’s in paradise, having the time of his life…like he’s on a permanenet vacation at some place better than I could possibly imagine and I’m here…well you know doing the normal daily stuff. While I enjoy my life for the most part and do want to be there for my girls…sometimes I wish I could check out for awhile too. O.k. the feeling came and went as I knew it would and I am grateful for the time I have with my girls…they need it but like I’ve said before…nobody will have to call me twice when it’s time for me to go.

Today Ben talked about prayer…read a lot of scriptures from Ephesians…which was Mark’s favorite book, the book that I read out loud to him on the day he died. I love that Pastor Ben highlighted the fact that we are to be praying about the inner issues of our lives. Yes God cares about all of the details of our lives, and yet if you’re going to pray for me…please focus the time and effort on praying for the deep heart issues that I struggle with over the small “he knows the number of hairs on my head” kinds of prayers. Does God care about it all…yes without a doubt but honestly…the reality is we dont’ spend much time in prayer as it is and with the time we do…please know that I’m not focusing it on health issues and outside circumstances I’m focusing it on my desire to see you know CHrist more, and to be renewed and revived in your inner being. That doesn’t mean that I dont’ want to hear about all of the details of your life but I think the details of life are just the surface of what God is really trying to do in each of our lives…so why would I want to spend my time on that…He also talked about “having each other’s back” spiritually….which I believe is so vital. For me…personally you can only truly say you have someone’s back spiritually if you are investing regular time into that person through prayer and accountability which suggests to me that I can only do that for a handful of people in my life. I find it ironic, frankly more than that, I find it to be a God thing…that at my church I can honestly say I have Amy and Danny Kozlowski and Scott and HIllary Stanifer and their families back. After all they are the support staff at our church and if anyone can relate to that position it would surely be me. Been there done that. It also helps that Amy and Hillary and I are in a regular small group together. For me right now…I tend to wonder where I should be helping at church, Pastor Ben talked about putting faith into action…we are in big need of people to rise and serve with packing up and moving this month and setting up and tearing down each week, and always the children’s area needs help. I don’t have a role in any of that really. Time wise for me…I don’t have much to give…it would be easy for me to sign up but I know I would just end up either backing out or begrudging the commitment I made. So I’m having to rethink through that whole issue in my life and realizing that for me God may want different things from me….like an event here and there for single women (By the way three of those women became members of the church today:), or simply becoming more or a woman of prayer and spiritually having more people’s backs so to speak. I can pray anywhere at any time so I’m being challenged to become more intentional about that. I also feel like I’m understanding more and more how to pray for the core issues in people’s lives rather than just the latest “prayer concern”. So…something to think about and act on. (o.k. I just reread that paragraph and realize it may have sounded harsh…if it did to you I apologize in advance.)

Anyway, I think we’re going to go back for the Soup and Pie night tonight at our church…I wasn’t planning on it. Just don’t always get hyped about driving back and forth to edwardsville two times in one day. But I even had someone say they would make a double recipe of their soup if I would come back so I dont’ have to bring anything…so I’m getting the feeling maybe I should be there. This afternoon Wayne is coming over to work on Lauren’s drum set. Lauren and I have been having some attitude run in’s in the last 24 hours…it sure is quite the balance trying to give more freedom and yet helping her to understand that what I say still goes…God help me is all I can say. Some of the stuff that goes on….sometimes I just shake my head becuase I know it wouldn’t be happening if Mark was in the room…she knows it too. 

I’ve been having reoccuring bad dreams about Mark lately…which I hate and even though it sounds ridiculous I’m praying that I can either have good dreams or no dreams at all. Makes me wonder what’s on the inside of me that I would even be having some of the thoughts in my dreams that I have…bizarre.

Anyway…hope your day was great,

Love,

Ruth

Single parenting is no easy thing to do well. This morning was living proof of that in my home. This morning involved the Young Author recognition for our district at East Elementary on one side of town while Lydia is involved in cheerleading on the other side of the town. Some would probably say just skip the cheerleading but Lydia is passionate about cheerleading and I know we’re already going to miss next weekend with being out of town. So…I managed to get Lauren to the Young Author event, name tag on and seated and then whisked Lydia over to the other side of town for cheerleading and even made it to both events on time. It was one of those classic moments for the single parent…of course parking was up and down the streets in the slush at the school, had Mark been with us he would have dropped us off at the door (the next time you get dropped off at the door, don’t take it for granted:), but instead I had to park a mile down the road (o.k. that might be a slight exaggeration). By the time I dropped Lydia off I realized that in my efforts to be there for both of my girls I wasn’t really there for either of them. Not that they were relying on me for their events to be successful but still…So while I was on my way back to Lauren’s event I ended up going through the drive thru at McDonalds, ordering a vanilla iced coffee (I love them:), and just headed back to sit in the parking lot until Lydia was thru with cheerleading. I hadn’t turned on the ipod in the car for awhile so it was one of those moments where I couldn’t even remember what had been last playing but I kind of threw it out to God to speak to me out of the song that came on…no pressure there right…I’m not saying that’s a spiritual way to handle hearing from God but it’s an honest view of what went through my mind. So…when I turned it on and realized it was Keith Urban singing “Better Life” I just thought o.k. let’s see what God says to me through this song…Boy was I surprised, again GOd proved to me that He doesn’t care if it’s secular or sacred He can still speak to us through it all. All music is God’s music:).

Here are the words…see what you think

“Friday night and the moon is high I’m wide-awake just watchin’ you sleep and I promise you you’re gonna have more than just the things that you need. We ain’t got much now, we’re just startin’ out but I know somehow paradise is comin” (O.k. on that verse all I could think about was when Mark and I first started out…neither of us had a job, no savings, he was going to go to college full time, we were moving out of state and basically going to live on love:)

“Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones, good luck’s gonna shine. Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones so hold on, we’re headed for a better life. (o.k. I have to admit, at this point I was thinking…I’m not sure how this whole song is going to help in fact I’m starting to feel more depressed…)

“Oh now there’s a place for you and me where we can dream as big as the sky, I know it’s hard to see it now but baby someday we’re gonna fly. This road we’re on you know it might be long but my faith is strong, it’s all that really matters.” (O.k. I had never thought of this song in this way before but for me today this song has taken on a different tone, I’m not sure that’s what Keith meant by it but God meant it for me at least for today. There is a place for Mark and I to dream bigger than I can possibly even imagine, and frankly it’s very hard to see it now but we’re gonna “fly” wow!! This road is long…that’s the understatement of the year…but faith is strong and that’s all that matters…o.k. direct hit, no missing the message to me for today. I’m not sure that the song is theologically sound but who cares…sometimes I honestly don’t care, I don’t have to prove anything, but if their is some form of comfort or encouragement to me than I’m going to take it.)

“So hold on, hold on, c’mon baby hold on, yeah, we’re gonna have it all and ooh a better life Hey we’re gonna leave this all behind us baby, wait and see. We’re headed for a better life. You and me we’re gonna break the chains that bind and finally we’ll be free. We’re gonna be the ones that have it all, you and me Just hold on tight, baby.” (O.k. i know that’s a lot of “hold ons” but truthfully that was exactly what I needed to hear today. And the thought of leaving it all behind…well if I could book a plane ticket today I would…the “wait and see” gives me hope for the future which on some days seems to be in short supply, “we’re gonna break the chains and finally be free.” wow for us to have a close relationship without any of the misunderstandings, insecurities, baggage, sin, etc. the next place I reunite with Mark will be out of this world, literally and figuratively. Hard for me to even imagine.)

Like I said I’m not sure that Keith meant it in the way that I took it today but who cares…I just had to stop in the parking lot and weep…God is so good and to hear the affectionate term “baby” and to have the whole song sung to me in Keith’s romantic way well it met a God sized need in my heart at a critical moment and again I just had to stop and worship that we serve a God who knows us so intimately, and knows exactly what we need at exactly just the right moment. After that I read through Lydia’s book again called “My Dad” wow…what a treasure of a book and it was sealed in my heart that if I can and do live off of Mark’s love even now than I know my girls can do the same.

I picked Lydia up and we raced back to the Young Author event so that I could get her into place for at least part of it. And I was able to split my time and go to each of their classrooms to hear their sharing about their books. My heart broke a little when Lydia talked about her book, she didn’t want to cry so she said little and the teacher had no idea that her dad had died so everything was being talked about in present tense…I wanted to stand and correct her but at the same time I just knew it would just make her feel bad and put a somber mood over the whole room so nothing was said…Lauren however chose to read one of the pages from her book and it was the one about Railroad crossing signs…she talked about how trains come into our lives, things cross into our paths sometimes out of our control and how when her dad got cancer last year that was like a train crossing into our lives…she read about the process of chemo etc. and then ultimately told the class that her dad died. She read it in a calm collected way but it was a beautiful heartwrenching moment. Lauren picked out her clothes to wear today…I thought she might dress up because she had talked about it but when she came out she had on her turtle sweatshirt that I had gotten her for Christmas. I knew what was going through her mind. She needed to wear the comfort of dad with her today. Obviously we don’t worship the turtle…but it doesn’t hurt to find some comfort and be able to hold on to the memory once in awhile by having a few turtles around. Without Lauren saying a word…I knew…she needed her dad and that was the closest she could come.

Out of all of the Eunice Smith Elementary students only one student is chosen to go to “state” and only two are chosen to go to “county” for my girls to both get chosen to go to county is a big deal and I’m very proud of them. I explained to them that the fact that they opened up their hearts when they wrote was what helped others to connect to their stories, most of the kids make up stories about all kinds of crazy stuff and while that’s fine and amusing I guess…theirs something so wonderful about opening up the deep areas of our lives for others to be able to connect with. Truthfully that’s the only reason why this blog is still going…if I just told you our daily schedule, just the facts, you would be bored out of your mind. But when I tell you the good and bad moments, the heart break, the top of the mountain times, etc. that’s where you connect…and I connect with you.

I am amazed over and over lately at how much I love Mark. It’s not as if I remember him through some kind of rose colored glasses…I know the ugly moments, the irritations, etc. but I can’t believe how much he loved me. And I never realized fully how much I loved him until he was gone. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder…Mark and I dated for six years long distance so we know all about goodbyes and separation and the joy of the reunion and I have to tell you as much as I hate the thought of me growing old alone…I really have a hard time imagining  someone else capturing my heart. Only time will tell.

I’ll just close with this…if your husband fills your gas tank, thank him…what a gift. When your husband puts his arm around you lean into him and enjoy the closeness and safety that’s there in that touch. When your husband calls you even if it’s frequently enjoy hearing his voice…obviously he wants to hear you too. And don’t wonder if he loves you…just believe that he does…rest in it…

After “Better Life” Keith’s next song is “Making Memories of Us”

“We’ll follow the rainbow. Wherever the four winds blow. And There’ll be a new day comin’ your way. I’m gonna be here for you from now on this you know somehow. You’ve been stretched to the limits but it’s alright now. And I’m gonna make you a promise. If there’s life after this I’m gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss. (You and I know that there’s no “if” about that)And I’m gonna love you like nobody loves you and I’ll earn your trust making memories of us.” (Today I’m living off of the memories of “us” Mark and I had, and I’m realizing that my understanding of his love for me is still so small, and I’m realizing that I have great hope for the future, even without marriage he and i will be connected in ways I can’t even imagine right now. And oh the things we’ll have to talk about:)

Now in saying all of this…please know that I understand heaven is about seeing God…ultimately of course that’s what I desire and crave and need and am desperate for…but I think God understands that from this side, me missing and desiring and wanting to be with my husband is only natural…frankly I think the desire comes straight from Him, and if that makes the pot all the sweeter so to speak so be it. God knows my heart…He knows everything I am and have and will ever be is His and about HIm…and I have to think that He knows the kind of reunion that Mark and I are capable of…surely that will be a moment that will be described with words that I can’t even express right now.

It’s just hard missing someone everyday…

Anyway, hope your day was great…at least it’s sunny and a little warmer…my porch roof seems to be leaking a little bit now but nothing a bowl can’t handle. Never a dull moment:). The girls are happily playing Littlest Pet shop on the porch right now.

Love,

RUth