The Jackson Family Online

Martha and I were just able to have a really good talk, remembering those last couple months and especially the last week of Mark’s life.  We were pretty intertwined with each other by the time Mark died, just out of necessity…I needed help…they needed to help, it was a good mix. I can still remember coming to the point of being so exhausted a couple of nights in the last week that in the middle of the night I actually went in woke up Bob and said “I need you to take a shift with Mark” he would roll out of bed, come out and look after his son and I would climb right into bed where he had gotten out and Martha and I would sleep the rest of the night in some form of exhaustion. I don’t know how I would’ve made  it through otherwise. His pain was at a point where we never wanted to let him get backed up on pain or we knew how long it would take to get back to some form of comfort whatever that was at that point. So…I admit it we made sure his pain button got pushed whatever the allotted time was…every ten minutes…and truthfully I was at a point where I just didn’t trust myself to stay awake and make sure it got pushed…I couldn’t bear the thought of me causing him more pain out of my exhaustion. Those pain buttons are nice to a point…but at some point they’re a little unrealistic…Anyway. I sense that for all of us we are reliving and remembering the events of a year ago. And for whatever I wish we might have talked about or done…I always have to come back to the reality that really we had addressed the main issues and had more closure than many people ever get to have. Every relationship was at peace, everything forgiven, we all had the chance to say goodbye and last I love you’s. What more can you wish for really. one more hug…one more I love you…one more look…one more touch…we’ll if I had one more I’d just one more anyway so…I have to be at peace with where we ended.

Today I had the wierdest sensation. I can’t tell if it was a God moment, a mark moment or just in my imagination but I had the wierdest feeling that I was being cheered on. Almost as I approach the one year anniversary of Mark’s death as if I was being told “atta girl” “You’re making it…” “I’m so proud of you…” “You can do it…” As I thought about it I realized that I think I was experiencing a “Great cloud of witnesses” moment. And it felt awesome. In fact it feels like I’m approaching a huge milestone in my life and I’m doing it with success for the most part, definitely not because of who I am but because of who God is. Mark was so gifted at giving me freedom and believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself at times…I think he’s cheering me on…saying “see I told you, you would be fine…”  “I told you RUth…it’s success or death with you and even in the face of death you are succeeding.” I know he’s cheering on his girls, everytime I feel a moment of pride in who they are becoming I sense it double because I know no matter what you can’t tell me that a dad’s pride in his kids is gone even if he is a world away. And Mark has a lot to feel proud of. Lydia had symphony tonight and she’s sticking it out getting better each week. She’s fighting like a champ and even though it’s incredibly frustrating and hard she’s rising to the challenge. Today I realized that I have no idea what the one year anniversary emotions will be…I have a feeling they will swing from one feeling to another easily but definitely one of the emotions I know I will feel is a feeling of celebration that we are one year closer to a reunion, a celebration that it’s true when Paul said “I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted, not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed…” That’s the victorious feeling I am experiencing…I could’ve just quit, I could’ve holed up in a cave for a year, I could’ve retreated, lost my faith, rejected God, become bitter, I could’ve been desperate and tried to have my needs met in ways that wouldn’t have been appropriate or God honoring but for today without any pride in me…because I know my victory is because of God not me…I feel God’s pleasure and I feel those who have gone on before, especially my husband saying “I knew you could do it.” And for me that gives me all the more reason to keep on keeping on. I’m staying the course, I’m fighting the good fight, I’m committed more now than ever…If anything I’m more sold out for God at this point than ever before. I trust Him completely…have I arrived…no…but I’m getting closer everyday.

Tonight I went to Tim Palen’s visitation at the church. It was the first funeral I’ve been to since Mark died. And it was at the same location…same disease…cancer…etc. And truthfully I didn’t know how I would react or feel but knew I wanted and needed to go. As I approached the church I literally was feeling in my body a physical reaction that I think was because of the situation I was going into. And when I went in…I didn’t know anyone else around me…must have been just family and friends because I didn’t recognize anyone in the church. I read the letter Tim had written to his wife and family expressing his love and telling them goodbye, it was beautiful and I’m sure it’s a deep comfort to them. I went up to see Tim one last time and I was reminded in one glance that Tim is already gone and with the Lord. I’ll never forget that feeling when Mark breathed his last breath, their is a definite moment when you realize that body is just a shell and nothing more and that was the feeling I had when I saw Tim. I saw his daughter that I knew from church and without having much to say I just hugged her and said “I had to come, I wanted you to know that I care.” She said “I know you care.” and that was it, I walked out of the church in the pouring rain and left. It was a very brief encounter but for whatever reason I just had to make sure that they knew I cared about their loss. Because frankly I do. On the way out of the parking lot I had one of those really intense moments of crying and talking with God. Truthfully I’m still processing through a lot of my own grief and going to a visitation brings some of that to the surface. I went to pick up Lydia from Violen lessons and I decided to push play on the Ipod and this is the song that came on.

By Jeremy Camp “Even When”

“You know and You see the times of my defeat.When I fail to realize your kindness reaches, through all my fragile fears of wasting any years. I see you go beyond my silent feelings. Even when I wrote my life away. You still receive me.You took this fading heart and softened every part. I’ll rest in light of what you’ve promised to me. I’ll always stay strong because I feel you holding on now. to you I belong and I know…Even when I wrote my life away…And you heal me…”

I hate to just quote a song…I think you really have to hear it to get the right effect but hopefully maybe you’ve heard this song before. I don’t know how God does it except that He’s an awesome God but that song was exactly what I needed in that moment. I connect with the “fragile fears/wasting years” line. I guess sometimes I feel like I’m on a timeline with the girls…they have just a few years left at home really and if their is going to be a “man” in our house I so badly want it to be while they can still be at home and bond with and feel like they have a “dad” again. “I see you go beyond my silent feelings.” I connect with that, not because I’m oh so silent but more because so many of my feelings I have a hard time putting words too…but God knows what they are and sees beyond them to the truth. “I’ll rest in light of what you’ve promised to me.” That line gives me peace here on this earth to live out the rest of my days. God has given me some incredible promises to cling to and I know He’s a man of His word…so I can rest.
“I’ll always stay strong  because I feel you holding on to me now, to you I belong” Well let me just say that’s my heart cry in one short sentence. I’m strong because of His hold on me, and to even feel that hold well…for a physical touch deprived woman well…that speaks love to me, and to say that I belong…doesn’t every woman want to have their man put his arm around her so that she feels safe and that she belongs to someone…I know I do. And the last line…”You heal me” I know I’m in need of healing…I think we all are at some point in our lives. And God is in the process of healing me, I feel it.

So again, I hate to just put that in on the computer because I’m afraid I have not done the moment justice…you have to feel it and absorb it with your senses but if nothing else I have to stand and give witness to the fact that God met me at my point of need and sang to me…when I needed to have a song sung to me and how could I do anything but praise and worship Him?

God is so good…do you feel Him cheering you on…everytime you make a choice that honors Him, everytime you get up after experiencing loss, failure, defeat, etc. and keep on keeping on, He is the one cheering you on. He’s proud of you, He’s smiling over You, He loves you, He wants to sing to you, So I close with this thought, I have no idea what you’re experiencing in your life today, but I do know…I’ve felt it their is a great cloud of witnesses waiting at the end of the race and they are cheering you on to keep running more than you know…listen you may hear it too. My husband was a great encourager and a husband who believed in me on this earth and I believe that through God I still am reaping the benefits of Mark’s love for me. Wow…I mean what more could I ask for…

Love,

Ruth

Today I let Lauren take the day off of school to go into St. Louis with her grandma, aunt and cousins, they wanted to go to the arch and to the Science Center. It’s a little tough for the kids having to go to school and yet wanting to have fun with family. So…I let Lauren go along. Lydia probably would’ve went too but she has a violen lesson this afternoon that she can’t afford to miss and while I almost caved and let her back out of the symphony…she rose to the occasion and said “mom, I don’t want to quit” so my youngest went to school today instead and is going to violen and symphony tonight instead as well. I was proud of her! Tomorrow they are both going to school and then on Wednesday I told Lydia she could take a day off then and I think they are going to take their bikes and go to the park and play.

Lydia went through an incredibly emotional time last night. I’m not sure how it all came about, maybe having family around, maybe the fact of what all was going on a year ago or something…but her struggle was in feeling that she had somehow “betrayed” her dad. For a little girl who has a heart the size of Texas…well that was an incredibly painful feeling to have. WIth her being the youngest their are unique issues, less memories to draw from, less understanding of what all went on last year…etc. But I could tell her with confidence and assurance that she never betrayed her dad. She was quite a daddy’s girl to tell you the truth, when the four of us went places it was always Lydia and dad who sat together and Lauren and mom, that’s just how it worked out naturally. We looked through a photo album and I have to tell you, even for myself I was surprised at how foreign the pictures seemed to me. He looks so vastly different between the “normal” days and the days of last year. And while I have pictures hanging on my walls of us, they are mostly the pictures from last March before surgery, I’ve gotten used to that look. We also talked quite a bit about how she was feeling towards God, and I was so glad she could openly express that she is having a hard time forgiving God for taking her dad, in her mind she’s wondering why did He take her dad, she didn’t do anything wrong…pretty big issues for a 9 year old to process through. I think truthfully she just needed to have a big cry and emotional time just to get out some of the trash that was trying to build up in her heart. Bottom line…I know she loves God, I know she wants to live for God…and truthfully God must have a doozy of a plan for her life…why else would He allow her to go through that kind of hurt so young. We just had a nice lunch together at The Bread Company. She’s growing up so fast and it’s always nice to sit and visit with her over lunch.

Both of the girls are trying to sort out the fact that their dad is gone and we live so far away from family in comparison with melissa and her kids going through a separation/divorce and them moving into Mark’s parents house. Tough stuff for kids to sort through, and it feels to them like they are missing out on special time with Grandpa and Grandma in comparison. But here again, I think they are having to learn a hard lesson we all have to learn…comparison never works, what one needs is not what another needs, and love expresses itself in all kinds of ways. We could’ve run home when Mark died, and I think most people thought we would. But we’ve made a life for ourselves right here and when we’re all thinking clearly we know this is where we belong…it’s just a little intense when it’s all up close and personal. But I’m not falling into any of those traps and I don’t want my kids going there either. We will rejoice with those who rejoice and cry with those who cry. We will support and encourage those in need without having to have our “rights” met. I know that’s not the American way but I do believe that it’s God’s way. We will come alongside others and help them on the journey regardless of what we get out of it. And we will not be so insecure as to question if someone special loves us just because of whether we live close or far away. These are big issues to work through but I’m glad we’re stirring up the pot…bring it on baby…

Tomorrow I talked Melissa into going to get a massage. It will be her first, and although I’m sure she may be a little nervous…I know she’ll enjoy it and I’m sure she needs it. Then on Thursday, the girls and Grandma are all getting pedicures so that will be fun.

This morning right before the alarm went off I was having a dream and in the dream I heard a verse and although I can’t remember it at this moment it was very clear and I know it spoke of restoring me and spoke of standing firm and steadfast…truthfully I could kind of kick myself for not writing it down this morning but I was sure it would stay in my mind…yeah right:). Anyway, it felt like such a wonderful way to wake up and I’m finding the more I read God’s Word the more the right verses come to me at the right time and I am strengthened to face the day.

Lauren has been working through the whole issue of how can we be sure Dad is really in heaven, again, big concerns for a 10 year old girl. So we talked about how once we ask God into our lives we can be assured with confidence of our eternal home. I think Pastor Ben is going to get in touch with her as well, I just wanted her to be able to have some Spiritual hooks that she could sink her fears and doubts into  that would give her something to cling to that is truth. I know this concern has been on her mind for quite some time. Praise God…we can know with confidence. There is incredible peace in that! And if you don’t know with confidence…talk with God about it, or your pastor or another Christian and get to a place where you do. Our faith is not a wishy washy thing. Once we are in the family…we’re in, by God’s grace.

It’s grey and rainy again today…hopefully sunshine tomorrow, my flowers are taking a long time to bloom…but I think when they do they will be absolutely beautiful…maybe that’s the way it should be anyway, all good things take time. I have to tell you last night for one of the first times I found myself praying…”God if there is going to be a man that is going to come into our lives, please let it be soon…” I just really want them to have plenty of time at home to bond and make memories with him if there is to be someone come along before the girls are out of the house. God knows…and I’m good with that but I just put in a request, ultimately what He does with that is fine with me. I know I can trust Him.

Hope your Monday is going great!

Love,
Ruth

 

Happy Sunday…

Today we all got up and around and were easily ready a full 30 minutes before we needed to leave, pretty incredible since seven of us were sharing one bathroom:). Church was great as always. I think it surprised a lot of people to see Melissa walk in. Melissa, Mark’s sister, looks so much like Mark did, in fact I have always told them if they were both girls or both boys they could’ve been twins. So for my church family this morning who very rarely if ever have seen Melissa it was a bit of a surprise:). It was nice for Martha and Melissa to come to our church this morning, in a strange way I think it’s a piece of Mark that they don’t get to experience very often but when they do I know it’s always special for them. Right now they took the girls and are shopping at our local mall. Lance and I are hanging out at the house…being very relational, ha! He’s on the play station and I’m on the computer. Tomorrow they are all headed to the Arch and City Museum while the girls and I are at school. Wish we all had the time off together but it just didn’t work out that way.

Otherwise not a whole lot going on today. It’s rainy but warm which is nice. And I’ve discovered again as always that with having company the chart thing has kind of gone out the window…maybe once things are back to normal Lauren and I will get strict again. Today we even threw in a trip to Coldstone:)…

I was asked today informally about speaking at a Ladies Retreat next fall possible, have made no definite committments but it will be interesting to see if that works out or not. I’m used to typing…not so used to speaking so…we’ll see how that goes. If it’s meant to be it will be.

Anyway, hope you all are having a great weekend!

Love,

Ruth

Lydia had her big cheerleading debut today. She loved it and did great. And even though her dad really never cared much about cheerleaders, thought they were a needless distraction I have a feeling that he would have been glowing with pride watching his youngest daughter today:). Lauren enjoyed playing volleyball today and since her team was missing a person she asked her sister to play on her team to fill in the hole, how many sisters would want their sister to play along with them…Lauren picked up her hand and walked her out there and asked the coach if she could play. I love watching them love each other. Martha, Melissa and kids arrived this afternoon and the kids have been having a ball every since. We even had a Spiderman birthday party tonight for Lance. They so rarely get this kind of time together so I know this next week is going to be a lot of fun for them, full of excitement, memories and fun.

I turned my calendar today, I tend to jump the gun a little, always have, but I guess that’s just in my nature and I had to smile when the picture title for April was labeled “hope” and had the verse on it “I am with you always…” it was just a pleasant surprise and word from the Lord. He always amazes me at how much He really does speak to me even if it’s not an audible voice. I also was reading out of a little devotional in my bathroom today…one I got at Valentine’s Day and hadn’t read out of yet but today decided to pick it up and the first chapter was about trusting God and I loved the quote by Corrie Ten Boom on the first page “Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” Wow…I think that’s an incredible truth to base our lives on. I’ve read a lot about Corrie’s life over the years and she is definitely a woman I would like to imitate so when I read that quote from her today it spoke to me. The future is unknown but I know the character of the God I serve and I’m in good hands. Another quote was “Whether times are tough or easy, firm belief in a good and loving God is the only road to vibrant living.” That’s where I want to be, living a vibrant life.

Melissa and I had a quick stop at The Bread Company today already:)…gave us a chance to talk adult to adult about our losses. Being divorced and being widowed, they may have a few things in common but at the same time they also have many differences. Melissa is doing remarkably well, at least from what I see…and I’m incredibly proud of her. I’m praying that she will see the goodness of God in the land of the living, exceedingly more than she can ask or imagine. So good to talk sister to sister…what a gift to have such wonderful inlaws!

Anyway, hope your weekend is going well. Tomorrow is church, always a good day and then hopefully some relaxing at home…

Love,

Ruth 

I didn’t write about this earlier but today a year ago was basically the pivotal point between hope for this life and accepting we were starting to say goodbye for now. This was the day Mark went into surgery…and I have to tell you the memories of that day are permanently etched into my mind, I’ll never forget as I said goodbye to Mark to go into surgery, not knowing if we would ever see each other again in this life or not. I can’t begin to express in words what the moment was like. And I went in to the whole surgery process so hopeful, so optimistic…I was sure that just as the doctors had said…living with one lung was a doable thing, having no concept that they would literally go into Mark that day and not be able to do a thing to help him. Literally they opened him, took a look and closed him up. We didn’t have any other choice but of course in hindsight, if we had known I would’ve never put Mark through it. Unbelievably a year later a fellow worship team friend from Emmanuel has passed away this morning from what I’m told ending his struggle with cancer. Part of me is thrilled at the fact that I know the kind of reunion Mark and Tim are having…I think of the various people that have passed away this year and I realize that Mark’s circle of special people is ever increasing. I tend to think in terms of reunion these days. I go about my daily life…you all know the routines we have in this world but every once in awhile I still have those “I can’t believe this is my life” moments. I have to remember the pain of Mark’s sickness so I can appreciate the relief of him being able to go to heaven. Tonight as I was walking into Target I had one of those wierd moments where I looked up and a man was walking toward me that reminded me of Mark’s size and looks, did a double take, truthfully probably a triple take, hope I didn’t freak the guy out or anything. Haven’t had that happen in awhile.

Went to visit Richard today, he was resting but I talked with Idona. Richard seems to be able to read and write alright for the most part but is really struggling with communicating and his frustration seems to be growing. Having a hard time remembering close family names…and Richard was a wonderful story teller and very relational so I know it’s very upsetting to him. He is going to therapy and they have told him it’s like his brain has had a car wreck inside and the pieces are kind of scattered for now. Please continue to pray for him, he’s angry mostly with himself. Idona is really good for him right now I think, she’s had a stroke or two in the past and I think it’s helpful for her that she has some sense of how it feels to go through the after effects of a stroke. That’s always one of the things I struggled with in dealing with Cancer, it’s hard to be the caretaker and have no idea of what the pain or fatigue feels like. I’ve since realized that I’m sure I had no concept of what Mark was going through and while some may say it’s good to not know…I know that’s the general thought on most things, that in life we are saved from a lot because we “didn’t know” but for me I have a feeling I would’ve been all the more compassionate and understanding at times when I wasn’t very compassionate or understanding and for me those memories are a bit painful for me. The reality that I screwed up more than once with my attitude and actions while Mark was sick is not a reality I am happy about. This has been a year when I’ve had to soak in the grace of God and remember that He is my redeemer…He not only redeems me for salvation’s sake but He redeems the mistakes I’ve made and am making everyday.

Anyway..I have a feeling that I will make a visit to Tim Palen’s funeral visitation if possible this week, depending on what the family is arranging…and I’m praying for the family. Those left behind have a lot to deal with, we know Tim is fine…but for those of us who are left to live on here…well let me just say it’s not easy, not impossible, but not easy…

I’m having that feeling where I want to get in bed and pull up the covers and not come out for awhile, it doesn’t hit me often but I’m feeling it tonight. A year ago…at this time I was sitting by Mark in an ICU room, his pain was out of this world and their was so little I could do to help him. I remember sleeping for a couple of hours on the floor in the ICU waiting room. I was so exhausted I literally slept where people put their feet and only God knows what all day, and I didn’t care. I remember trying to explain to Mark what the doctor’s had told us…it was confusing in a sense…but it all seemed to come back to the fact that Mark was out of options. I can still remember him even asking the doctor a couple of weeks later what the next plan would be for him and the doctor having to look Mark in the eyes and tell him we were out of plans. I kid you not, Mark wanted and fought for life until his last breath. He didn’t die sitting down. He would’ve tried anything, gone through whatever they said to do to stay here with his family. A year later…while I know their are no clear reasons why he died that will ever magically satisfy me I have to wonder…what’s been accomplished for God that couldn’t have or wouldn’t have been accomplished if he had been healed? It’s not so much a feeling of anger, honestly it’s not…it’s more of a wondering kind of feeling. I’ve accepted it…it would be crazy and damaging to me and my girls if I didn’t…but part of me will always wonder until I reach heaven why Mark had to die so soon.

Praise God it’s Friday…at least I don’t have to get up and go to school tomorrow. I’m already starting to think about the one year anniversary and although I know mentally it’s no different than any other day in some respects. The truth is May 5th will always be a unique day for me. A day I’m not sure what I want to do with. This year I’ve looked and realized that it falls on a Monday. I think that could be a day when I take a personal day. I’m not sure what I will do or not do but…I guess I just want to be free to experience whatever I need or want to experience on that day without having to fake it through a day of school. You know after Mark had his surgery I actually went back to school becuase I was limited on sick days and it was my first year in my teaching job in Alton. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a surreal experience. I just remember standing in front of classrooms full of kids and singing and absolutely being somewhere else in mind and spirit. Thankfully, I was able to just take some dock time with Mark in the end. Those precious weeks we had at home together in the end were exactly what I needed, and I think they were what Mark needed too. Oh how I wish I could have just one more conversation with Mark, one more hug, one more touch, one more look into his eyes. I miss him…and I know people say it will get easier over time, which I have a feeling simply means that my senses and memories will dull, which I’m not totally thrilled about, but I know in my heart I will always carry this huge feeling of loss to some degree and sometimes that just seems overwhelming…it’s not going to go away in this lifetime. It won’t be helped by having money, more time, more effort, moving to a different location, etc. it’s just the reality that I have to live with.

So…this is one of my more depressing entries obviously, I have to have one of those from time to time right…I am human. But I do close with the fact that I know God is faithful, I know in my heart that someday I will understand, I know He is aware of my burden and is carrying me many more days than I realize, I know He will provide for me in this life exceedingly more than I could ask or imagine, and I know He loves me, therefore…I will worship Him, I will praise Him for the fact that a year later the girls and I are doing fine. The bills are paid, the girls just brought home straight A report cards for the third time this year, The girls love each other and look out for each other in incredible ways…more so than I’ve ever witnessed in normal siblings, I have a great job, I have a great small group, many wonderful friends, two church families, along with a wonderful family times two in Mark and I’s extended families. I have witnessed the love of God in more ways this year than I can count. I’ve come to know God more closely than I’ve ever known Him before, I’ve developed a love for His word, and I know He has a wonderful plan for my life even now…”I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living…”

God is good, even after tragedy, after great loss, after time has passed, through it all…He is good.

Love,

Ruth

Good news…when Lauren and I got on the scale today we had each lost two pounds. It was so nice to have the encouragement of results to help us keep going. Just taking one day at a time. I asked Lauren this morning just light heartedly while she was taking her shower if she knew how much I love her to which she replied in a tone of “of course mom” yeah I know how much you love me. Funny how hormones can go back and forth at this age. I knew at her core she did/does…I just like to tell her again and again to keep it ever before her. Today was before school choir so that involves the girls getting ready partly by themselves, I was so impressed that Lauren had taken the time this morning to do Lydia’s hair in two pony tails, first off doing Lydia’s hair is no easy task, it’s thick and unruly and the fact that the ponytails were even and stylish well, I told Lydia when I saw her at school, she’s a very lucky girl to have such a cool big sister. I think in her heart she knows it:).
I asked the girls what they wanted to do tonight being Friday and all and I think we’re going to go to one of our favorite restaurants in town “Princavilli’s” and then maybe walk around Target or something, Lauren has $17 burning a hole in her pocket:). This weekend is going to be busy, Lydia cheers at a basketball game tomorrow morning at 9am, then Lauren plays volleyball at noon. At some point the Jackson’s will arrive and tomorrow night we are having a Spiderman Party for Lance who’s birthday is tomorrow so that will be fun.

Hope your day is going great. It’s Friday…woo hoo!! One of the best days of the week as far as I’m concerned.

Love,

Ruth

Every week I read my friend Michael Stahl’s sermons that he is going to preach for the following Sunday at his church out East. And one of the quotes in his sermon for this next week was incredibly powerful to me and I thought it might touch some of you as well. “Peace is not the absence of conflict…but security in spite of the conflict.” Think about it…how often do we pray for the conflict to go away and yet God’s greatest work and glory in our lives is when our circumstances look like we should be devastated or in chaos and we are at peace, His peace. What a great moment for the watching world to see God in action. So…although I don’t like conflict or struggle anymore than the next person, I do welcome the opportunity to be in a position to shine the light in a dark world. I just wanted to pass it on to you all. I know many of you are facing a lot of unknown things in your lives, health issues, financial issues, unemployment, relational issues, etc. in fact if you’re living and breathing your facing something or you will be soon…but realize that once we can come to grips with the fact that God’s hold on us is sure and that He loves us we can live in peace no matter what comes. I was just tucking in Lauren and I made her put something small away before going to bed, I had already asked her to  three times and she had ignored me or given me the response of “wait”, sometimes I will take that answer but sometimes I feel the need to impress upon her that she has to be responsible (after all the girl is asking me to get her a cell phone and will be driving a car in 5 years…) In the process she ended up saying to me that she didn’t think I really loved her. Now I know for a fact that she knows I love her, and once she gave it any amount of thought I know she didn’t really mean what she said. But it makes me think, as much as I love Lauren, and I do, and always will, for me once you have a baby how can you not love that child the rest of your life, in contrast God is perfect and yet how often have I been the child questioning His love for me. Or thinking that He is too busy with the starving children in Africa or something to be able to care about my needs as trivial as they may be. Once I see it play out with my own kids I realize again how often I act the same with God. He asks me to do things that sometimes I don’t care for, maybe I want to say “wait” or not right now…sometimes He doesn’t take no for an answer and puts me in the circumstances regardless of how I feel about it all, I can kick and scream, cry and whine, I’ve tried all of those approaches, believe me, or I can do like Lauren did tonight and regardless of how I’m feeling get up and do what He’s asked me to do so that I can then experience His peace. By the time she put the item away and got back in bed and I prayed over her, even before I was done she was sleeping peacefully. That’s the kind of peace we can have, since we know God’s great love for us and the fact that He is in control of every detail. Hope this thought brings some form of peace to you tonight…it’s just good to know that  even though the waves will come (their’s no maybe about it, it will happen) my boat is never in danger of capsizing and being destroyed. I’m resting in the hands of Almighty God. Now…I’m going to go sleep in peace myself:). We seem to be getting a monsoon outside at the moment, maybe God knew I needed to have the sound effects and visual to create the mood for these thoughts:). Just kidding,

Ruth

Today has felt like a pretty good day…I think the main reason is that I have recharted our family…what I mean is every once inawhile I make up a chart for the girls to be able to check off their own chores/things to do/exercise, etc. and at least for the first few days it seems so nice to have them monitoring their own progress without me having to tell them everything to do. It’s a win win situation, good for me and good for them. It came about again because as always Lauren and I have been struggling with our weight issues. That brings about an immense amount of guilt on my part…it’s bad enough that I’m overweight, let alone that because of my parenting my daughter is also struggling with the same issue, that’s one of those middle of the night burdens I carry. So….we’ve started again, we are walking two miles a day on the treadmill, doing 50 situps daily, three healthy meals, two healthy snacks daily, drinking lots of water, taking care of teeth and skin, reading out bibles daily, having family time daily, along with the normal music lessons and some occasional fasting for me (Lauren isn’t quite at the point where she wants to try that yet), and throw in a few chores to keep the house picked up and that rounds out our chart. So far today has been great. I made the chart for three weeks and then I told Lauren after those first three weeks we would reevaluate the plan and see how we are doing. Lauren was really excited to get going and was happy to have a tool to help her get motivated and to be able to keep track of her progress. The initial weigh in this morning was less than encouraging but that gives us plenty of room for improvement:). Lydia doesn’t struggle with her weight as much but she’s taking part in the chart too, nothing wrong with everybody having healthy habits…Last night I was reading in Ezra and I have to tell you it’s such a gift when occasionally their is a verse that pops out at me and speaks truth to me, after reading through a lot of names, and details that are unbelivably, long and dry. So I especially enjoyed Ezra 8:21 “Then I proclaimed a fast there at the river of Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God, to seek from Him the right way for us and our little ones and all our possessions.” That’s where I am…trying to seek the out the right way for myself and feeling responsible to seek it out for my kids and even how I use the “stuff” in our lives. Seemed like an appropriate verse to read on the night of my recharting initiation.

I’ve also been reading in Nehemiah about when he was rebuilding the wall. In chapter 4:17 it says “Those who built on the wall, and those who carried burdens, loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction, and with the other held a weapon.” I find that to be a really interesting visual picture of real life no matter what your circumstances are. We carry burdens, all of us do, we try to move forward in our lives feeling like we only have one hand to work with at times and all the while we must be on guard against the attacks of Satan, we can never afford to let our guard down. It just stood out to me and made me stop and ponder for a moment.

Seems so nice to know that tomorrow is Friday, Martha and Melissa and kids start driving down tomorrow. It will be nice to have a visit all next week. For me March has flown by unbelievably fast, can’t hardly believe that next week starts April…but I’m ready:).

Today out of the blue I had a girl at school tell me that she is talking with DCF tomorrow morning, the name, age etc. are not what is important but she was telling me she wouldn’t see me tomorrow because of this appointment and I tried to feel out if she wanted to talk about it or not…to which she readily told me that she had been raped…wow, I know it happens to children all the time but wow when their is a face to that kind of sin it really feels heavy. I know I often wake up in the night and even though I don’t have names in mind I just pray for children that are being abused every night often in their own homes by the people who are supposed to be protecting them. This is another side of the being a public school teacher…often I get to enjoy the fun side, to hug a child, to give a smile, sing a song, but to share in that kind of experience, wow…maybe God knows my prayers need to have more of a sense of urgency for the kids I see everyday…having a face to put to those prayers helps. I had such a sheltered childhood, praise God, I realize more and more everyday that is a rarity in today’s world.

well with the chart and all, we marched through all of our normal evening tasks very smoothly and had extra time to have good family time so we actually sat down and played a game together, seemed so nice…and something I want to do more of in the future. Lydia brought home some of her writing today, 12 different pieces/essays she has written lately in third grade, I love reading her thoughts on paper. They’re keepers…

Lauren’s birthday is towards the end of May but she is already anxiously planning and replanning who she wants to invite and what she wants to do, etc. Remember that kind of excitement over a birthday….:). I’ve tried to tell her to hold off inviting anyone just yet…you never know if her friends might be different in two months.

Had a great lunch with Lori today, we laughed and had quite the detailed conversations about Elton John and Billy Joel concerts, the movie Music and Lyrics, etc. It was nice to just be able to talk about things that are for fun, nothing heavy or serious. I know some people have the idea and conviction that you should only listen to Christian music if you are a Christian. I’ve come to the conclusion that all music is God’s music…not that I just listen to any trash that’s out there but their are a lot of good secular songs that I enjoy, and at my church Pastor Scott has taken secular songs from time to time and sang them in church and depending on your perspective they can be spiritual, think about a lot of typical love songs, why couldn’t they be about a love relationship between yourself and God. Last spring when Mark and I went to see Billy Joel I assumed everyone would recognize who he is…however I think some probably thought that it was a Christian concert…obviously not…but it was still awesome and brings back some really good memories for me. That man can play the piano and for a person like me who likes to bang on the piano…well he’s a great concert to go to, and I love the way he writes about real emotions and situations from his own life. He’s real…I like that. The previous summer Mark and I had gone to see Duran Duran…that would’ve been Mark’s all time favorite group (we graduated in the 80’s so that explains that…). I don’t know what your stance is on that kind of stuff and I’m not saying I would endorse all of their music but…I’m o.k. with it. Mark was an avid music lover both secular and Christian and we did go to mostly CHristian concerts but occasionally enjoyed going to a secular one. Anyway…just some random thoughts:).

Hope your day was wonderful!

Love,

Ruth

Back to the grind…nothing like having the first day back be a day with before school choir…What crazy person planned that:). Anyway, we all made it successfully out the door and even looked presentable and had all the necessary backpacks, drums, etc. in tow. And today, drum roll please…I the almost amish lady when it comes to technology used oodles of technology in my classroom with my kindergarteners…I just decided to go for it…so with my little laptop and projector and smart board we were able to do a program called “Groovy Shapes” and it all actually worked really well and the kids loved it and I looked like I knew what I was doing. It froze up one time but I rebooted and was able to work out the problem, for me that is nothing short of miraculous…I did have a plan B just in case it all fell through, but wow that was an awesome experience and I feel like I could conqueror the world now:). Well…maybe that’s pushing it a little. I’m such a nut with my kids at school, you know one time last week when  I was singing with a classroom full of first graders I almost broke into tears…I had to stop myself or I knew they would be concerned and need a full explanation. It was a moment when as I looked from face to face of all the different children, boys, girls, black, white, etc. I just got a small glimpse of how God sees each of them and it took my breath away. So as I sang I have a feeling my eyes twinkled a little and I hope they felt in some measure the love of God. There are many days when my job feels like going through the motions, and there are also extraordinary days when I feel that I am so fortunate to be able to be God’s hands and feet to many many children each day. I work in a mission field everyday…any school teacher, custodian, aide, cafeteria worker, etc. does. We plant the seed…it’s always fun to see students down the road when they grow up and realize that I had a small part in who they are as an adult…awesome! That’s why I teach. The paycheck…well it’s nice but truthfully I tend to work to be able to give these days so bottom line it’s the purpose that keeps me there. Which is ironic…because a few years back I would’ve said the opposite…that it was the pay check. No doubt…I have a lot of days when I sure wish I was at home…but that time will come, either here in this world or in heaven. In the mean time…I trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly as best as I can.

I hope your Wednesday is going well. Tonight is small group for me which is very small since Amy is sick. And Lauren has drum which we haven’t touched since before spring break…oops. I’m sure she’ll do fine. The weather is so nice out today, I feel like I’m watching a pot that needs to boil everytime I walk around and look at my flowers coming up…I’m just so excited!

I’ve really enjoyed reading the various blogs that I have been told about lately…so fascinating to see what other people write about, think about, etc. It’s fascinating to me to see how the Dillehay family all communicates with each other through all of their blogs, and it’s all in writing, just imagine the conversations, the stories, etc. that your family will remember and pass down simply because you’re keeping a running dialogue of it all in writing. Otherwise we so easily forget things…I know for myself that is one of the reasons why I blog, I can go back and see where God has brought me from, and have the courage and faith to believe that He isn’t finished yet. Last night I had the joy of reading 1 Cor. the chapter about how if you are single you should stay so…less distractions and cares, and if your husband dies it’s better to stay single. Obviously Paul is expressing some opinions there…but I have to say I didn’t care too much for that chapter…I know it has truth, my life is simplified in one sense because I’m single, I’m not trying to please a husband, however I still believe that if it’s a good man, a Godly man than it’s worth the “distraction or care” to be able to pull side by side. For now though I’m content with what and who I am in Christ. And I sense Him pulling with me everyday. Moving on into Nehemiah now in the Old TEstament…I can tell I’m going to feel a huge sense of accomplishment once I’ve actually read through the whole bible in one year. I’ve never done it before. I need to get the girls going again…over spring break we got out of the routine and I need to make sure we get back into it. Anyway…hope you’re enjoying God’s word today.

Love,

RUth

Tomorrow is back to school…it’s been a nice five days off. Today we went to Saturn to get the sun roof fixed and wandered around the mall for a couple of hours. The sweet moment of the day…Lauren looked in Pay Less while Lydia and I looked in the Children’s Place and when Lauren walked over to meet us she had purchased a pair of shoes out of her own earned money, not for herself but for her sister Lydia. She knew what size to buy and Lydia loved them, quite unexpected and generous. I told Lydia to store that memory in her memory bank for those times when she’s not happy with Lauren. Upon getting home we enjoyed being outside, we played “swing ball” for awhile and then I planted a blueberry and grape plant and some asparagus, along with some phlox, I also put in some more bulbs…I have no idea if they will do anything this spring but I just decided to chance it. Was so nice to be digging in the dirt again:). I already have several bulbs blooming so that’s fun. I even filled up my hummingbird feeders, it might be a tad early but I decided to welcome them early and hopefully I’ll get lots to watch. I even got my grades posted tonight, o.k. their really wasn’t any choice about it at this point since midnight was the cut off time, but at least it’s done…I can’t believe I’ve been having that on my to do list for a week and a half and again put it off til the last day…Right now we are watching Dancing with The Stars, the girls are thrilled that The Jonas Brothers are going to be singing tonight. Then we are going to finish a movie we started last night “The SIgn of The Beaver”. The girls are anxious to see their cousins this weekend, I set up a pedicure time for all three girls and grandma to go and get their feet done next week so that should be a fun time.

All in all a good day. Lydia and I went and visited Richard today. He was resting but waved hi to Lydia. His communication is not so good but I think it was good that we stopped in. Lydia had a hard time…was on the verge of crying and losing it…and as hard as it is I think dealing and working through those kind of emotions is a good thing. They usually watch the girls while I go to small group on Wednesday nights…Idona asked about the girls coming tomorrow night, I assured her I had found some other arrangements until they were in a better time…the truth is I think she would’ve still done it, they are so good hearted but no way was I going to put that on them as well as everything else.

Tomorrow is back into reality, homework, drum, violen, etc. Found out today that the Salvador concert has been canceled for lack of selling tickets…kind of a bummer. We’ll have to try again at another time.

Anyway, hope your day was wonderful!

Love,

Ruth