The Jackson Family Online

Real quick…the girls and I had a good day today…enjoyed going to the parade with Todd Linke, boys and Jason. And today I received a couple of books that I had ordered in the mail and already read one of them after school called “Life of the Beloved” by Henri Nouwen…very good. I had heard of it when I was reading the Fresh Brewed Life. It was a simple book, a quick read and yet very profound. Often the simpliest things are the most profound. We are chosen, blessed, broken and given are the four areas that the book talks about. And I enjoyed underlining lots of great quotes in the book. Definitely one I will need to reread and would love to be in a small group to dialogue about…I’ve recently been invited to several different small groups…I’m just trying to figure out where I do belong and when.  I was glad this week to get Lauren involved in the youth group small group…that seemed more critical at the moment then my own needs. Lauren talked with her teacher at school this week about some of the stress her mom was feeling…how her mom needed a break, etc. and I thought…”Oh great…wonder what the teacher will think of me now..” I know I shouldn’t care or be that prideful but…I’d like her teacher to think well of me…so it was with relief today when I talked with her teacher and she was able to communicate to me in a quick way that I’m not alone:). It’s good to know that if I’m over the edge, I’m not the only one:).

Tonight as the parade was going by I had several kids here and there that I’ve had in school yell out to me “Hi Mrs. Jackson…” for all of the grief that I occasionally have to deal with and put up with I can’t tell you what a good feeling it is to have a high school boy stop and come over to the sidelines and give me a hug, or to have kids in the band yell out to me when I know and they know they’re not really supposed to. They are my kids too…reminds me why I teach. Next year my own daughter will be marching in the parade…unbelievable!

Anyway…off to bed…I have to get up at 4am to get to the school by 5am to get on a school bus to be with kids all day…and I’m still fighting something, I’m not sure if it’s allergies or what but I’ve developed a nice cough…hate to take anything tonight though or I might not wake up when I’m supposed to. Hope to catch a few zzz’s on the bus tomorrow. The kids are at Scandretts. Hope they have a good day tomorrow hanging out with Kathy, I’m sure they will.

Have a great weekend,

Here comes November!!

Love,

RUth

Just spent a really good evening at The Halls…Lydia went trick or treating with the Bohn family. Lauren hung out with the teenagers and I had a chance to sit with adults and just hang out and visit…I came home feeling renewed and more like myself. I have a feeling that I’ve just been sorely lacking in having those kind of carefree times lately…I guess it’s not something that shows up on my to do list…but those kind of times definitely make me a better person, mom, etc. Tomorrow is Friday…always a good thing:). Tomorrow night I’m taking the girls downtown to the Halloween Parade, a big Alton, IL event. Then they’re spending Friday and Saturday night at the Scandretts house since I have an all day choir event on Saturday. I have a feeling it will be good for all of us to get a little break from the normal. All is well…I promise:)

Ruth

 

After yesterday’s post at lunch I went back to school and got run over by my second 7/8 choirclass…it’s bound to happen from time to time…I was trying to give them a treat day…something I rarely do but between me having a hard time with the dvd player, half the class coming 15 minutes late due to problems at lunch and kids not being trustworthy with candy…well it was a bust. And all while I had someone observing me for classroom behavior management…oh the irony:). Oh well…I was so tired and achy last night I actually when to bed at 6:30pm and that was after taking a nap from 3:30-4:30… I guess I must have just been worn out. The girls put themselves in bed at 8pm. Sometimes single parenting is for the birds. I know that’s not how it should be for my kids and truthfully, had Mark been here it wouldn’t have been but he’s not and I knew I was at the end of myself so…it was an early night for me.

Today…I could’ve so used a day off. Just felt like I needed to check out today from life in general…do you ever feel that way? Kids at home…kids at school…maybe it’s just me. i just let my team teacher handle the choir classes today…it was chaos but I decided all I was up to today was watching and observing…once in awhile I just need to see how things are from the back side of the room. And for my sixth grade we pulled out a dvd…haven’t done that all year but today seemed like a good day to take it easy. I just didn’t have it in me to do more.

i will tell you Caleb knocked at the front door last night rather than just coming in:)…I must have given him quite the shock the previous day with the hair coloring episode:).

Anyway, tonight Lauren goes to home group for the teens…I still need to clean the house and do about five loads of laundry, need to grocery shop etc. I’ve actually almost emptied the freezer and shelves…that rarely happens but it’s been awhile. We’ll see what gets done….

I have a feeling my mom never seemed this stressed out when I was a kid…at least i have no memory of her being this stressed out…Is that selective remembering or was she just so much less stressed? I can’t decide…but somehow I have a feeling my kids are getting the bad end of the deal. I hate that feeling. It’s not easy growing up with a stay at home mom…and then turning around and expecting those same qualities of oneself and throw in a full time job to boot, and what the heck make it a single parenting experience. I’m finding that I’m starting to want to raise the banner for single parents everywhere…it’s an unbelievably hard job…

Anyway…another great uplifting entry from Ruth:). I apologize in advance…and please know I’m fine…or at least I will be

Love,

Ruth

The kids at school are off the chain today…can tell Halloween is coming!! Candy has a way of doing that to kids. Today is one of my fullest days but it’s going well so far…anytime I don’t feel run over and feel like I expect and get respect in my classroom I figure it’s a successful day.

Tonight is hopefully a night at home, as far as I know…I need to do some housework since I’ll be gone all day Saturday. I’ve been putting it off but…it’s time. Lauren has kept her room spotless this week…it’s been awesome…Lydia is in the same boat as me…so I know what she’ll be doing tonight:).

I was reading in Isaiah this morning, just some highlighted passages from previous read throughs…and I was reminded that the point of reading the Bible for me isn’t necessarily for me to learn a great new lesson but for me to read a love letter from God. Why I guilt myself over reading or not reading the bible is unclear to me…I’m the one missing out…if I choose to neglect God’s Word. I read several passages today in Isaiah that were incredibly encouraging…full of hope and God’s love…it was like opening a love note which is a rare thing for me these days.

I am so glad that my girls give and receive love generously. Lydia has several routines that we go through each morning when we say goodbye at school…it’s kind of funny really and yet makes me feel loved. I love watching her bounce her way to the car, for whatever reason I feel like I need to lock that image in so that I can remember it for always. And Lauren isn’t quite as big about shouting out I love you these days at school for obvious reasons but she still has her own unique routines too. My team teacher talks about never wanting to have children, she’s single…and I know kids aren’t for everyone and they are a ton of responsibility and work but wow…the rewards far outweigh the costs. I can’t imagine if I was all alone at this point in my life. Today I’m thankful for my girls…

God is good…hope you’re having a great day. I’m reading about five books at present…one about Oswald Chambers wife…very interesting behind the scenes view of the lady who took her husband’s writings after he died and made them into one of the classic devotionals that we use even now. Hope your reading a good book these days…

Love,

Ruth

Today has been a much better day than yesterday, somehow knowing that Monday is over always helps the rest of the week seem better:). My kids at school are doing a good job on learning their Christmas songs so that brings great comfort to this music teacher’s heart and I must have gotten through to my choir yesterday…they were much better today.

So…tonight after putting it off for forever…I decided it was time to color my hair…I’m one of those people who if I don’t color…I would be completely grey…scary but true. And I’ve needed to get it under control for awhile, But I’m also one of those ladies who isn’t real high maintenance so…I wasn’t real overly concerned about it…but tonight was the night…if you’ve ever done it at home you know you look pretty crazy when you’ve got the stuff on your head…at least I do. I was pleasantly enjoying my 45 minutes wait…I do have stubborn grey hair so I have to wait that long..relaxing in my bedroom, reading a book, shutting myself out from the rest of the world when in came one of the guys who worked on my house this summer. O.k. the visit wasn’t completely unexpected…I have a crack in my ceiling that they are fixing…but it was late in the day so I figured they must not be coming by today…thankfully Lydia had given me a full 30 second warning or it could’ve been even a worse moment…but as it was…I think I freaked him out pretty good. I just had to laugh…isn’t life full of those kind of moments, moments that catch you completely unaware. Of all the moments for a man to walk in…and of all the times when I decided to color my hair…well what are the odds…obviously pretty good:). Anyway, it all worked out fine…and I took an extremely fast shower, got dressed and invited Caleb in to fix the crack…all nice and calm and cool and collected:).

Anyway…we’re just hanging out at home tonight, Lydia is trying on multiple Halloween costumes…she seems to think it’s a big decision…and they have multiple dress up clothes downstairs so I didn’t buy a new costume, instead told her she would have to find something she already has…so she’s trying to make the big decision:). Lauren is wanting us to choose a family Christmas song to perform for our church’s annual family christmas potluck and variety show….it seems to be a big deal to her this year…so she’s singing through every Christmas song she can think of. And I’m kind of wishing I could just post my talk and get your feedback…I’m not going to…or some of you would be bored out of your mind when you actually hear me talk but…I have to tell you I value your input, and I value the process of being able to dialogue through life together. If you read this I hope you know you’re part of my “We” component in my life. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, Have a great day,

Love,

RUth

I know I already wrote for today…and it was so inspiring and uplifting that you really don’t need a second message from me but still…:)…after I got the kids into bed at a decent time…I actually had a couple hours of inspiration and have pretty much finished my ladies retreat talk. So…I’ve got the talk/ the pictures and now I just need to try it out on my kids…my captive audience at some point:) and I think I’ll be good to go. It feels good to have it together. I knew it would come together…I could sense God leading my thoughts…but it’s been hanging out on my to do list for a long time now so to have it settled feels good on this ran over Monday:). And I’ve got to be honest…it’s stirred up my writing tendencies…I know it’s not the time in my life yet…but at some point…I can feel the book their right below the surface in my mind and heart. In the meantime it was nice to get it all written down…now I need to time myself…hope it fits in the allotted time. Sometimes I feel so whiny on this blog…I have a feeling Monday isn’t always peachy for you all either…

But…I know who I am…I’m working on the “we” part of my life…developing relationships with people to do life with…and I’m fully assured about who God is…so it’s all good.

Love,

Ruth

Now I’m really done for the night:)

I really try to be optimistic about Mondays…try to think positive but I have to tell you without fail every Monday it’s like a semi truck pulls over me, backs up and does it again. Monday’s are brutal, thankfully they only come once a week. This morning I actually left Lydia at home for honor choir time…she was doing her whole power play thing about not wanting to go to school and I basically didn’t have the fight in me this morning, so I said “I have to go…” and Lauren and I left. Every once inawhile a little shock value is good…I did come back and pick her up before her school day started and she was only a few minutes late.

At school today, I basically let one of my choir’s have it…they rate themselves a six on a scale of 1 -10 and I basically let them know I’m tired of trying to carry the whole thing on my back…which basically led into a conversation about whether they really care about being excellent or not…conversation isn’t quite the right word…more like a one sided lecture…but I think they got the point…only time will tell.

And believe it or not I literally just spent two hours in my car driving my kids around Alton to their various activities…if that isn’t crazy I don’t know what is. Lydia had violen…Lauren was at musical and then had piano…and then Lydia goes to dance tonight…I just picked up a pizza on the way back and forth across town…couldn’t bear the thought of coming home and cooking. Thankfully that was Lauren’s last piano lesson until December. I decided to have her take a break from piano and drum for the month of November as the musical is picking up in intensity.

And I’ve been working on my ladies retreat talk in any free moment I have to spare…I’m really wishing that I could take a day off to give it focused attention…but I don’t see that happening so I’ll just grab the moments that I do have here and there. The way my job is…it’s very difficult to get a sub…and if I don’t then it’s a bunch of grief when I get back. I’m already taking next Friday off to fly to Michigan so…I figure I better not push it.

Anyway…that’s my Monday…as I said “Thank God…they only come once a week.” The good news is no honor choir in the morning tomorrow…that helps the morning immensely. And I think we are headed to bed early tonight…at least as early as possible.

I hope your Monday went well:).

Love,

Ruth

O.k. I just reread this entry and I must say upon reading this one…you should feel incredibly uplifted and encouraged to continue in your faith journey:)…(you can read that with a little sarcasm:)

It’s been a good day. This morning we went to Sunday school and church…Jackson Linke was dedicated which was a touching moment as Pastor Mark acknowledged that he was named in remembrance of Mark. I have to tell you…Jackson looked right at me while he was being dedicated and smiled…I know that sounds like I’m making that up…but it’s true:). The girls and I were starved after church so we went and ate Chinese…ran into Dee and George for the second day in a row at a restaurant which was a nice surprise:). Then the girls and I headed back to Kohl’s…needed to return the jeans I bought for Lauren yesterday and get some that fit her better…In the process I picked out a couple of things too:)…getting ready for Ladies Retreat. I know it sounds dorky…I have enough clothes but somehow on that weekend I wanted to feel really comfortable and have that great feeling of wearing something new. Then we had to pick up a couple more pumpkins…Lydia had such fun carving one yesterday she wanted to do another so…we came home and carved two more pumpkins…Lauren has one more that she can do sometime this week. Lauren is in her paint clothes…tonight they are painting the youth room at church…can I just say I’m glad I’m not in charge of that:). I’ll be in Vespers.

It’s been a good weekend…I could use a few more days off…but I feel that way every weekend. So…back to school tomorrow. I’m giving thought to joining a small group…I’ve had several various invitations all from people I respect and enjoy being with…I’m just trying to find the group that fits into my life schedule and that it makes sense for me to join. Maybe this week I’ll try one out. I know I could use the social interaction and adult time:).

Woke up last night thinking about “When God says No”…and I thought through all of the times I’ve told my kids no…dangers I could see and they couldn’t…bad choices… etc. and I was thinking through why God would’ve said No to healing Mark here…and it dawned on me afresh…He didn’t say no…He said “Not Here, Not now”…those are words I know I’ve said to my kids a time or two. The healing has occurred…it just didn’t happen here and now…In sunday school today we talked about heaven…how God is so family orientated…and it’s dawned on me that for whatever reason…May 2007 was a Not Here, Not Now time in my life…I know many times my own kids have not understood when I’ve said that to them…and I have to tell you I don’t understand the reasoning of it all…but I do sense in my soul that my job is to “Be Still and know that He is God.” And I sense in my soul that God prepared me and keeps preparing me for every step in my journey…He knows the way I take. Mark and I made it through four years of dating with me being ten hours away…we know what it is to hold on to love over a distance…we’ve been down this road before. God has promised me a reunion that is out of this world:). I have a feeling that the distance of time and space between us will only make the reunion sweeter…and God knows I craved for what only heaven could do in my relationship with Mark while he was on this earth so…it’s not a no…it’s a not here, not now.

“Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength…they shall run and not grow weary they shall walk and not faint, they shall fly like an eagle..” The verse is something like that from Isaiah… God does say no at times…I think when Sin is involved…when bad choices are about to be made…when it’s disobedience to God, etc. but I think it would be easy for us to misread a “Not here, not now” answer for a no answer when the truth is…He will say yes and has said yes…but that answer is to come down the road. Somehow that makes more sense to me…otherwise…why would he have said no to healing Mark here…I’m sorry there’s no good enough reason for a complete no answer…but a “not here, not now” answer I can live with and have peace about:). So…today I find myself just craving the reunion…I know many of you may feel the same…loss does that to us. I’ve also had the verse “My grace is sufficient…” running through my mind from 2 Cor.  Paul had a no answer and if I can live, endure, finish like he did…I will be thrilled:).

There is something incredibly powerful about knowing that nothing can shake my faith in God…that regardless I can praise God…that I trust God more today than I did yesterday…that’s His strength coming through in my weakness.

Anyway…here’s to another week…

Love,

Ruth

It’s been a full Saturday. Lydia and I went to the walk for Arms of Love this morning…the weather was perfect and we thoroughly enjoyed the walk. Lauren was at musical practice. And then Lydia and I started our Christmas shopping for this year…we went to Kohl’s and bought a few things for Lauren since she was busy and we had the time. In the mean time Lydia found her “10 year old date dress” and accessories to go with it. She turns ten in December and we have a rite of passage that happens in the Jackson family at 10 years of age…they go on a date with Grandpa Jackson for a special dinner and evening. It seems like a good time to feel like a lady and to know how a girl should be treated by a guy before the dating years come. So Lydia was all excited about finding her dress. She wore it tonight to the wedding we went to for Derek and Stephanie Hall. And people gave her a lot of compliments which made her of course feel great:). This afternoon Lydia and I carved her pumpkin…and I have to say I’m a believer in those little kits that have the special tools and traceable patterns now…made it so much easier and successful.

The wedding was beautiful. Such love in their eyes…I love watching the groom’s face as the bride comes down the aisle…Derek definitely did not disappoint…that girl will be loved no doubt by the look on his face:). Lydia and I had our share of teary moments but I’ve assured the girls that truthfully…I cried at weddings long before Mark died so…they really should be more concerned if I don’t cry:). Missi and Jeff Hall have been such good friends to Mark and I…it was one of the first times when I felt like I could so relate to the parent side of things and my heart kind of broke for Missi…not easy to give your boy away. She looked absolutely beautiful by the way…I hope I look that good when I’m the mother of the bride:).

Tonight Mandy Rathegeb asked me to speak at a Vespers service in January…that’s what our sunday night services are called at Emmanuel. She wants me to speak about “When God Says No”. Sounds like a topic well suited for me…and I found it ironic that she asked me about it while I was getting refreshments at a wedding reception. I can tell that whole topic will be stirring in my brain for the next couple of months…curious to see what God puts on my heart to share…and hoping that I can do it justice.

I know it sounds crazy…but tonight I was wishing I would’ve held on to one of Mark’s suit jackets…being at a wedding tonight just made me remember the feel of his suit jacket, facing him and holding on to the lapel of his coat, the sensory experience, and for whatever reason tonight I would’ve sure liked to have come home and tortured myself by having that experience and remembering how it was when we actually went to these kind of events together. I was telling the girls on the way home how when Mark and I got married and we cut the cake and put it into each other’s mouths how Mark listened to his friends and stuffed it up my nose instead…not one of our more stellar memories…I jokingly told the girls that their dad baled on me because I had already warned him years ago that on our 25th wedding anniversary I was going to put a whole cake in his face…just a little bit of bitterness there right?!? Anyway…tonight’s wedding was nice…and a huge thanks to Mike Varner for caring about me and my girls…he sat by Lauren and even though she’s obviously not ready to totally act like a “lady” he made her feel like one anyway and looked over the rough edges along the way. I’m so grateful to other adults that love on my kids, especially the men from the church…nothing huge…a hug, a compliment, an encouraging word, a bit of humor…and yet it’s all huge for kids who have no dad.

I’ve been really working through in my mind the whole “Who am I” phase of my talk for Ladies Retreat…and I have to say…I’m feeling like “who I am” is up on a shelf lately…I used to occasionally hang out with adults…go out on a date with my husband, we tried to somewhat regularly, get a babysitter etc. truthfully I never do anything even remotely like that anymore. I used to be in a small group…have contact with other ladies once I was single…that’s all but nonexistent at this point. My life appears to be totally about being with kids at school and kids at home and I have to say their are moments where it leaves me feeling like I’m not even in touch with who I am as a person. Single parenting…it’s no piece of cake and I have to admit there are many days when I look at my kids and wonder…those times when you put your kids in bed and their angry with you, that sure feels awful…all of the normal parenting moments good and bad…that probably even the normal mom/dad family has but it’s hard not having a tag team partner. I’m not whining…I’m not telling you anything you don’t know…but that’s what’s going on inside of me…I’m more than ready to hook up with some adults for a little while…I do have Ladies Retreat to look forward to so…that’s encouraging.

Anyway…enough about all of that…hope your day was great. Tomorrow is church and nothing too big in the afternoon. Which is good since we have a full five day week this next week and on Saturday I take kids to a Music Festival from 5am until about 9pm. It’s going to be a long week…but hopefully good…I have a feeling that’s all about my perspective on the situation:).

Love,

Ruth

Always nice to be to another weekend. Today I had a parent teacher conference with Lydia’s teacher which was enlightening. Lydia’s grades are good, in fact she’s the top reader in her class but it’s clear that she’s not applying that reading very much…for some reason she says books are boring…definitely she doesn’t get that from me…and on a more concerning note her teacher expressed that Lydia worries about me “dating” which is interesting since I’ve never dated anyone and don’t have anyone on the horizon…but I have a feeling due to all of the other kids talking about their parents dating, having people move in with them, etc. I’m sure she has concerns that dating might not be a good thing. She seems to be most concerned that I will be hurt. So…I talked again to Lydia about this, this afternoon…assuring her that no move will be made unless it’s a good thing for all of us. Sometimes it kind of ticks me off that not only do I have to think about possibly starting over…my kids do too. I never expected in my wildest dreams that my kids would have to deal with those kind of issues. Oh well…

I was able to get a lot more done at school today since we had parent teacher conferences again which was really nice, I love that feeling of being on top of things. Then I came home and assembled a small table/stool set for our sunroom…it’s become apparent that we like to eat out there so I decided to give in and get a set. Got done with that in time to take the girls to see High School Musical 3 with a friend…which was actually a very good movie in my opinion…o.k. it’s cheesy and predictable but aren’t most movies:). Actually got me crying…it was the whole goodbye thing at high school and so it just took me back to Mark and I at age 16…I remember the feelings, being overwhelmingly in love…and frankly I miss him. So…I had a good cry…which is all fine and dandy and then we girls came home to watch some home videos from the past year…video from our Out West Trip, etc. The girls have done more and more of the videotaping so let’s just say the video can be exciting to watch:).

I’ve been working/thinking about my talk in a couple of weeks…it’s coming together and in the process I’m learning a lot about myself…who I am, who “we” are, and who God is…remembering, living and looking forward to good things to come.

Hope your weekend is great. Tomorrow Lydia and I walk, and we did raise 200 dollars so I’m happy about that. Lauren is at musical practice all day and then we go to a wedding (derek Hall is getting married), Should be a great day!

Love,

Ruth