The Jackson Family Online

O.k. I know this is my third entry today…but hey…you can delete it if you don’t want to read it, or it’s too much right? I finished watching Fireproof about an hour ago. That was an incredibly good movie…I mean it was on Hollywood level as far as I’m concerned and yet so clearly presented the gospel in real life settings. And the message is so relevant in today’s world. I’m not even married and it was deeply moving to me. So…if you are married and haven’t seen it yet…make it a priority…it’s at blockbuster, go rent it and see how it might improve your marriage.

It was hard for me to watch on some level…I knew it would be…although it wasn’t a rosy picture of marriage for me…truthfully I miss the struggle of doing life with someone that can make you that angry, someone that can make you feel like you’re going insane, someone who can bring out deeper levels of passion in you than any other person on the face of the earth. In the last months of Mark’s life he talked to me about me marrying again someday, I’ve mentioned this before…he said “Ruth someone someday is going to see the good I see in you and they’re going to want to marry you…” for me I have to tell you I feel like I’m more than ready for that process to start and yet…it isn’t. I feel lonely tonight…I just crave everything about marriage at the moment. I wonder if this is a cross I will bear for a long time. Tonight I just went down into my bedroom and cried it out for a little while. Trying to hear some word from God…some encouragement…something to give me hope. The main verse that came to my mind was “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.” I’m needing to remember that their is hope and that I do have a future. I’m looking at my girls realizing that i have six years left with Lauren, eight left with Lydia before they go on to college and then I’ll be alone. I know many of you are in marriages where you’re probably struggling…I remember at times feeling like I could just pitch the whole thing, walk out and say “screw it”…I’m not proud of that but it is true and their’s no point in making it seem more rosy than it was. However, at this point I feel like the struggle has value…the effort put into trying to make it work. The fact that love is worth sacrifice, pain, sweat blood and tears if necessary:). In a way life is easier for me right now in some ways, no one to disagree with…no one to consult…but can I tell you…from my perspective it’s lonely…for a passionate person like myself it feels empty…I want to be loved, and to love, I want to dialogue about whatever the latest issues are, I want to be challenged to grow, I want to open myself up to someone to be known and to study someone else and take the effort to know, I want to cuddle up with someone, to sit in the passenger seat of my car, to have an arm around me when I sit in the pew at church, I want to walk beside someone and hold their hand, I want to laugh, to joke around, to ask someone how their day was, I want to wake up with someone in my bed other than one of my girls, I want to buy a gift for a man, to fold a man’s laundry, to make a dinner for a family that it seems worth the effort, to see new places with someone, to share my joys, my struggles, myself. This isn’t the desires of some girl trying to be Cinderella…I have no fairy tale ideals going on here…I’m well acquainted with what married life looks like…I’ve been on both sides…and can I say for me…I crave having someone special in my life in a big way. I poured all of this out to God…and at the end of it all…again come to the conclusion “Not my will but your’s be done God…” For me tonight that’s going to have to be enough…I can’t work harder at it, push it, force it, or for that matter make it happen any sooner than God has ordained for it to happen if ever. I was reminded tonight of fear…I think inside of me in some deep part of me…I’m probably a little afraid that I’m going to be lonely for a long time…I was reminded of “Who Told you were naked…or for me Ruth Who told you you would be left lonely? I’m trusting God…but sometimes that trust has to be renewed and expressed moment by moment and for me tonight that’s how it is.

So…if you’re married…I hope you watch Fireproof…I hope you understand that the struggle makes it worth it. And if you’re not married I hope that you feel the love that comes from God that I’m clinging to. Tonight for some reason I took off Mark’s ring, and I took off my ring that I’ve been wearing that says “He loves me”…I’ve been wearing them together…just needed to be reminded that God loves me and that Mark chose me…but tonight I just needed to lay it down. Felt a little like Abraham might have felt laying Isaac down…I just took them off…and laid them down…I have to count on the fact that God is still Jehovah Jireh and knows exactly what I need and when.

Time to go rinse the color out of my hair:)

Love,

Ruth

My movie day continues…if you ever have a chance to watch the Harry Poole movie I mentioned before…save your money…not a good movie. However, if you get a chance to watch “Expelled” by Ben stein by all means you should. I’m not a scientist kind of person…I rarely if ever get involved in the whole evolution discussion but wow that movie was full of good information. My two girls even sat through it and it’s completely a documentary kind of movie. And I have to say once more…Science and God go hand in hand…for those who think you can’t believe in God if you’re really a scientist they don’t get it…science actually gives us a clearer picture of who God is as long as we can see that God and science go together. The sad thing is how many scientists refuse to acknowledge that God and science can coexist, in fact do. I’m always amazed at how ridiculous some of the scientist views really sound when they are actually asked the tough questions. We christians are made to look like we’re idiots…but when someone can believe that molecules just formed on the backs of crystals, or that aliens from another planet came, or some incredibly unlikely lightening hit just at precisely the right moment and in the right place to start life…all I can think is you have got to be kidding. The scary thing is realizing that although we are a “free” country we really are not as free as we think we are on these kind of issues. And I found myself pitying the people that Ben talked to and interviewed who refuse to believe in God…all it will take is one moment of death for them to forever wish they hadn’t been so blinded. Wow!! So…if you get a chance watch that movie…even with your kids, they may complain once in awhile but actually my kids were quite silent for most of it, every once in awhile I had to pause the movie to try and explain Darwinism…but it was good conversation…And Ben Stein is a Jew so when he made visits to Germany to cover some of the places where the Nazi’s were doing their own form of selective reduction it was powerful.

I have one movie left to watch today…Fireproof:). It’s definitely been a movie weekend for us. By far the best so far has been “Expelled”. Rent it if you get a chance and are in the mood to think and not just be entertained.

Just thought you should know,

Ruth

Last night I went and picked up “Fireproof” it had been on my mind all week, curious to see what it was like even though I’m not married and have no one even close to being in a relationship with me. And then I made a quick run to Blockbuster just to see if their were any other movies I might be interested in. It just seemed like a good weekend to stay home and take it easy, relax and watch a variety of movies. In the mean time though I tried to pay my neighbor boy because I had thought that he probably had shoveled my drive for me earlier in the week and he already takes out my trash every week…so I just wanted to give him something to express my appreciation. Come to find out his step dad had been the one who had shoveled…which was fine I would still be happy to pay him…but when I got home from Blockbuster the boy came back over to my house with the money in hand and gave it back to me…his step dad had told him “It would be wrong for us to take money from her…she’s been the best neighbor we’ve ever had.” The sincerity with which Dillion told me this line was moving and I am so grateful that even though we don’t have long conversations with each other, in the daily business of life, the coming and the going, the little kindnesses along the way, the Christmas gifts, etc. they have sensed the presence of God in my life and in my families life. They’ve witnessed the loss of Mark. I’ve had opportunity to shower them with God’s goodness in a tough time in their life, and we look out for each other. And I don’t think they are Christians…I’m hoping that God will continue to help us be a witness for Him and it touched my heart that we are being well taken care of. They’ve kind of stepped into the role of some of the manly things around our house, taking out the trash, shoveling, putting the paper on my porch, etc. all things that are constant not a one time deal but demonstrate their attention and care for me and my girls. I’m grateful….and reminded that our neighbors should notice a difference in us. What a compliment to be told “You are the best neighbor we’ve ever had…” I was just emailing back and forth with a friend who went to Japan last summer for six weeks and she was commenting on the generosity of people over there…of course their religion requires good deeds for them to go wherever it is they believe they are going so they are motivated to do good…but what about us Christians shouldn’t we be motivated to do good as well…not to be saved mind you but to allow the living God to live and move and breath through us. Something to think about in our “me first” society.

Well…back to the movie thing…Last night we watched a movie called “The Closing of The Ring” it looked like one of those historical romance things, war and loss involved, etc. The truth is, the main woman in the movie was absolutely stupid. She fell in love with a guy, got married, he left the next day for war, he died, she married one of his best friends 10 years later, had a child and even after her second husband died after 50 years of marriage she was still pining for the man who died when she was 21…wow do we idealize things in our mind. So….she never really expressed love to her husband for life and her child…she was completely detached. We got done with that movie, looked at each other and said “What in the world was her problem…” Scary reality…without God many people do really crazy things and waste many good years not knowing how to grieve I guess.

Then we watched “Ghost Town” which was kind of silly. This dentist has a near death experience…and after that he can see dead people that no one else can see…He wants nothing to do with it, he’s a self absorbed guy who is rude and obnoxious, never helping another person…and in the end he finally comes to the realization that life is more than just himself and that true life is in giving ones life away to help others. So he starts helping the dead people with their last wishes kind of things…resolving issues between them and their familes so that they can let each other go and the dead people can go wherever they go next. O.k. the premise of the story is a little strange and I don’t think that’s how it works…when Mark died he was gone…I didn’t feel that he was walking around here…but I did like the moral of the story…to live is to give your life away for others, that’s when we truly find that we are living. Which is a very different, radical way of living…pretty much a way of living that Jesus described and lived out in the Gospels.

Today I’m going to watch “Expelled” the movie about evolution and our schools. That should be interesting. And then I’m going to watch “Henry Poole is Here” it’s a movie about a man who is trying to escape from life and ends up having a wall on his house that magically shows a picture of CHrist and then people are drawn to it, miracles start happening, etc. It sounds a little dorky but I figured it might be interesting. We’ll see. In between the movies…I need to take Lauren to drum lessons, otherwise, it’s a day at home for us. At some point I’m going to watch Fireproof as well. I looked at the Love Dare book last night to get an idea of whether it would work in parenting as well…and it might…something for me to consider.

Lauren was happy, last night when we went to Princavilli’s her best friends family walked in at the same time so she and her best friend were able to have their own table away from family and have some grown up girl time. Timing is everything.

Hope your day is great!

Love,

Ruth

Have you seen any good movies lately?

I’m incredibly glad that it’s Friday once more:). This morning for me was rough…I have a lively bunch of classes and they can’t seem to stop talking…I have to wonder how in the world they will function in the real world…But I made it through so that’s good. And my middle schoolers sounded really good today so that felt good:).

Lately…I feel like I’ve been really “On” my kids a lot…I don’t want to be, maybe it’s the age or something…I want to live a life of sacrifice in front of them but…it seems like everyday I’m on them to pick up, eat with manners, etc. I’m thinking maybe I need to go get Fireproof and the love dare book and see if it applies to parenting…who knows maybe it would. Lauren and I were a little crazy yesterday, she always comes to my classroom at the end of the day and of course those last few minutes of the day are when she wants to talk talk talk and those are the minutes when I most need to gather my thoughts for what to take home, what’s happening the next day etc. So…we tend to go  a round or two giving each other a hard time…for the most part in good fun. Our reoccuring joke has become…”I can take you down if I need to…” now I know I would’ve never talked that way to my mom but Lauren and I have a unique sense of humor with each other and sometimes it helps to relieve a little of our stress if we can talk big to each other…with a half smile on our faces. Yesterday I surprised her and in my classroom before we left I set my stuff down and she set her stuff down and literally we wrestled around with each other…no one was hurt and we were smiling the whole time…but it just seemed nice to let off some steam. That lasted for a few minutes…we picked up our stuff and headed for home…Sometimes I have a feeling that’s part of me playing a two parent role…she needs that kind of interaction sometimes, like a dad would do and fortunately I’ve got a bit of that in me as well.

I’m constantly aware that she is at a critical age self esteem wise so I want to do everything to increase it for her…and at the same time she is at an age where she can increase in responsibility and maturity so I find myself on her about those kind of things…and the end result ends up making her feel like a failure…to which then I feel like a failure…talk about a viscious cycle…I remember when the kids were small we had a unique set of issues then and I remember parents with older kids saying…just wait…well I’m beginning to see what they mean. Each age has it’s challenges and for me this age…has the challenge of allowing kid behavior while trying to bridge the divide to the teenage years…a tricky thing for sure. They’re going to make it no doubt:)…I just keep coloring my hair with increasing frequency it seems:).

We have a quiet weekend. Lauren got called last night to do a speaking part in the teen dinner theatre at the end of February at our church so she’s excited about that and we’ll need to start working on it. She plays a wife part and has quite  the southern drawl going on so that should be fun. I’m just glad for her to feel like she’s a part of something…she craves places to belong..I prefer those places to be with other Christian friends if possible. Tonight we’ll probably go out to Princivilli’s that’s kind of our standard Friday night thing…beyond that…nothing going on…which is fine with me.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Love,

Ruth

Well we’re back to school today…but only two days til the weekend:). Somehow yesterday my drivers side mirror got shattered. I’m not sure if it was from the weather, or if while it was parked outside somebody did something to it or what. But it’s going to have to be replaced so…of course now my eyes wander to that mirror over and over looking at the distortions behind me. Got me thinking about our past and how easily it is to see things in a distorted way…someday we will see things clearly…for now I guess it’s good that I at least have my rear view mirror still intact:).

We’ve now used up our allotted five days that we have to make up for snow days so all of us teachers are praying and hoping now for big snow storms to come our way…ice, power out…o.k. maybe not that drastic but from here on out we don’t have to make up any of our days off…wahoo!!

Hope your day was great! Hey…tomorrow’s friday already!!

Love,

Ruth

It’s been another great snow day…I could really get used to this kind of a week:). My house is clean…my cupboards are full, laundry caught up…ooh la la:). The girls went over to a friends house today and played outside so that gave me some time to myself which was nice. So…I went to Family Bookstore…one of Mark and I’s college friends (Jared:)…told me that he was listening to a song called “As It Is In Heaven” by Matt Maher and had an experience that made him think of Mark on the way to work…so I had to go check it out…I’ve also been in a David Crowder mood lately so…I picked up some more of his CD’s along with a Todd Agnew CD…my ring tone on my phone is Grace Like Rain…so I figured I would probably like the rest of his music as well. And then I saw a Keith Green CD…I used to listen to him when I was a kid…and I love his piano playing and gut level honest songs so I grabbed that one too:). Anyway…by the time I was done I had added several CD’s to our listening experience:). Then I went and walked around Kohl’s…it’s amazing how quiet stores are right now at this time of year…very nice actually. I had time and no distractions to go through the clearance racks so that was fun. I even caved and bought a couple pair of jeans…I had been borrowing Lauren’s jeans but decided that I should get some of my own so I wouldn’t be tying hers up:). It’s fun that we wear the same size pants now and shoes:).

Tonight I’m going to take the girls to see Inkheart…looks like an interesting movie and kind of our last hurrah before going back to school. We definitely did get quite a bit of snow…and my neighbors are wonderful…they shoveled out my drive/sidewalk this morning before I even had a chance to get out there myself…thank you Jesus:)!! (And Dillon and Cody:)

Hope your day was great! No big plans for us for the next couple of days which suits me fine:). Hibernating feels good right now:).

At Kohl’s today I found myself walking through the men’s department…haven’t done that in a long long time…and truthfully I wanted to cry…and it was deserted enough I was tempted to just let it go…but in the end didn’t. I miss having a man in my life. I miss everything about it. At Family Bookstore today they tried to sell me on the DVD “Fireproof” which I’m sure is a great movie…but it’s all about a married couple and I just felt no need to pick it up at this time in my life. Maybe if I could’ve thought of someone I should give it to I would’ve been tempted. But I have to say…I hate that I’m not married anymore. And this is a hard time of year…Valentine’s stuff everywhere. Not that Mark and I made a huge deal of the day…but the point is I had someone to think of, now it’s just empty. I’ll be glad when it’s done for another year.

Anyway…I’ll try to be at peace about it all:). The other choices I have are not ones that I want in my life so…it’s mind over matter here for me.

Love,

Ruth

I’m being good…trying to stay off the computer and clean instead:)…but on my mind I’m thinking about the fact that I’m singing special music for church in February…and I have no idea what I should sing. I haven’t done special music in so long the concept of it almost seems foreign. While attending The Bridge…we didn’t have special music…which actually kind of suited me fine…but at this point at Emmanuel, they do, it’s generally the offertory kind of thing and as always if I’m going to do something…I want to make sure that I give it enough thought to have the moment bring glory to God, not to Ruth. Truthfully over the years having the gift of music in my life has brought me way more moments for Ruth to shine then I care to experience again…it’s easy in the spotlight to become prideful. I’ve tended to be put in those kind of situations and have to battle through everytime…to make sure it’s not about me. SO…after thinking about fear all day yesterday and the question of “Who told you you were naked?” asked by God to Adam and Eve…I just listened to Mark Schultz sing “You are a Child of Mine…” wow what a contrast in message…THat song fits so clearly with what I was trying to express yesterday…so as I clean…I’m belting it out in my home:)…As far as a song for church…I’m still undecided but am confident that God will make it clear. He gives us gifts, expects us to use them…so I’m happy to do so…as long as it’s for His glory and honor…anything less isn’t worth it. O.k. back to the swifter:).

Ruth

Yeah it’s a snow day:)! Always good to get that phone call at 5:30 in the morning. Today I’m going to get my house back in order as I didn’t do much this past weekend…I had my fulltime computer job and all to attend to:). The girls are still sleeping in which is good…they both needed some extra sleep, Lauren hadn’t really recouped from the weekend yet so this is a great time for her to catch up.

Last night I read my next chapter in our Sunday School book about the disciples. Admittedly I usually don’t read it until Sunday morning but I’m actually on top of it this week:). It was about John…and I found it remarkable to realize that although we associate John as being the disciple who Jesus loved. John was actually very arrogant, over zealous, etc. before he became the loving man he became. Kind of like Peter…who was shifting but eventually became The Rock. Jesus had a way of seeing those guys not for who they were in that moment but for who they could become. And John is a perfect example of that, he was a black and white kind of guy, focused on the truth and no grey areas but he became balanced out between truth and love after three years of being with Jesus. And in the end he lived the longest out of all of the disciples and his last words to the people as he was dying were “Little Children, love one another…” because he had come to the place where he knew if we did that it would cover most of what Jesus taught.

So…it got me thinking…if I was a disciple, what would Jesus see in who I am now and more importantly in who I could become through the power of the HOly Spirit living in me. I find myself writing about it and talking about it to my girls…I’ll repeat it again…what I see is that years ago I was quiet, a wallflower, little personality, shy, etc. And I see where Jesus has made me a person who has plenty of personality, is not afraid to speak up if feeling led to do so, is passionate, full of laughter, and colorful in how I live my life. As I see that transformation in myself I’m amazed at what God has done and is doing in my life. And I believe He’s just getting started with me.

So…how about you…when you look back at what you were, compared with what you are now, how has God transformed your life? How has He taken what were probably your weaknesses and made them into His strengths? I think that’s what He’s in the business of doing…

By the way…I wrote Mandy about the whole fear thing yesterday…and I think I’m going to speak about it later in the spring at a Vespers service…we’ll see:). After reading several of my middle schooler’s quizs I found that their greatest fears in a spontaneous moment are about spiders, snakes, ghosts, clowns, and death, suffocating, drowning, catching on fire, etc. they definitely are aware of their fears.

Hope you have a wonderful day…think about how God has transformed your life…if you can’t think of how…maybe it’s a good day to start letting Him do it…who knows maybe you’re name will change too:)

Love,

Ruth

Lori…you’re hillarious…and I’m such a computer junkie at this point..I didn’t even eat lunch today…I can’t keep up with the computer…between blogging, facebook, my regular email and my school email…I’m going to have to quit my job and just stay on the computer all day:)…whoops…I better run or I’ll actually be late to class…and as far as the extra credit…I’ll give you a second chance:)

Love you,

Ruth

I’m feeling a little over the top today as evidenced by the fact that it’s only lunch time and I’m again blogging!! Fear is on my brain…I see it all around me playing out in various ways with people who are Christians and who aren’t. And while I was driving between my two schools….it hit me like a ton of bricks…when do we see fear first in the bible…Adam and Eve…after they ate the fruit and they tried to “hide” from God…after they explain why they were hiding God asks this really profound question “WHO TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED?” Ahhhh…I’ve never thought much about that question before…but in my previous blog I was expressing the same thing…I was talking about my kids being “exposed”, fear hits us in the places where we feel the least protected…the most exposed…but what is profound to me about the question from God is… the who part of it…He doesn’t say…why are you naked, how come your naked, when did you get naked, what are you doing being naked…he says “WHO” told you…which suggests to me that it wasn’t God who told them…it was from the Snake, from Satan. Which brings me to the application for me and maybe for you…Ruth…who told you your girls were fatherless?  Or maybe the question for you is who told you your needs wouldn’t be met, who told you you would be alone, who told you your future has no hope, who told you your not safe, who told you____________________(you fill in the blank for whatever fits with your fear). The bottom line is…I believe that for every fear we have their is a promise for us to stand on directly from God’s word…and we clearly have a choice…we can either believe the lie…or we can seek the truth. My children are covered…they are not exposed…and for me to believe anything less would be me believing a lie instead of the truth. I need to process this more and ugh!! I so want to…their’s stuff going on in my heart and mind that I want to write about…but dog gone it I have to go teach music. There will be a day I’m confident when I will stop teaching and just write…in the mean time I’m trying to be about what God has laid out for me today!! But I can’t stop thinking about all of this, in fact while I was giving my choir kids a quiz I gave them a bonus question today and said “What’s your greatest fear?” It’s not a graded question, no right or wrong answer and will only act as a extra credit thing…but you should have seen the look on their faces…it was priceless and again I realized I must be the most off the wall music teacher they’ve ever had. I told them it was a life question. I haven’t had time to read their responses yet…I’m interested to see what the average middle schooler would put down.

By the way…Carole I would be happy to be your friend on Facebook…my email is marruth1992@yahoo.com hope that helps:). Also…if you read this blog and have a facebook account and want me to be your friend…if you would just drop some kind of note along with the request clueing me in to who you are that would be helpful…I’m still a little leery when I don’t recognize somebodies name at all to just confirm that they are my friend…at the same time…if you’re already reading this blog…well then you’re getting the heart of me already anyway:).

So…think about it…who told you you were naked? What are we afraid of and is it all based on a lie or the truth. I do know that their is such a thing as healthy fear…my dad taught me that:). And I do believe as the bible says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Think about it…that’s all I’m asking and tell me what you think:)

Love,

Ruth

(O.k. I’ll try to contain myself now:)