The Jackson Family Online

Happy Thursday. It feels like we’re living in a Rainforest these days, all week it’s been that wet spring like weather and everything is growing, growing, growing…once we get some sunny warm days it’s going to take off I can tell! My grass is getting thicker everyday…I have to admit I couldn’t help but put down some more grass seed today…in the bare spots, my parents assured me that it would fill in eventually, they told me I’ve already put down enough grass seed to cover an acre or two:)…but I guess I just want to see it fill in faster so I threw some more down today. This weather seems like such a good time to get it growing. I also threw in a few more plants today…I went in to just get some grass seed at Lowe’s but you know how it goes…or maybe you don’t…for me, once I walk through all of the plants well I always have something catch my eye, some new plant I’ve never tried before, some unique color, etc. and I figure…I can find a spot for it somewhere…and today double bonus…the plants I bought were also being sold to support breast cancer research so…it’s all good:). I also threw  in a couple more blueberry bushes in my berry raised garden…I have blueberries, black berries and rasp berries…the raspberries are taking off so much that I got a trellis thing to hopefully contain it a little. We’ll see…the proof will be when we can actually eat some fruit off the plant, right now it looks impressive:). And my strawberry plants have blossoms all over them so hopefully that’s a good sign, I have to admit it seems like most of my strawberries tend to go to the birds…hopefully we’ll be able to have a few this year. Sorry…I know I’m going on and on about dirt, plants and my yard…I so love to work in it all. In fact before school I usually make one round around the house pulling weeds, throwing more grass seed down and generally checking on how much things have grown overnight…I’m cuckoo I admit it. Somehow I pull myself away and get in the car and go to school…not an easy thing:).

Programs are fast approaching at school…and I think I’m ready. Will be nice to have them done for another year, in fact I’m already starting to think about next year. I guess I do that because when I leave on June 3 I don’t want to have to give school one thought until the week before I come back in August so I like to leave things ready for the fall…I need that time away body soul and spirit so I can come back and make it through another year. Tomorrow is a half day of school for us, or at least for the kids, teachers have inservice time in the afternoon, but that’s kind of like having some time off…I get to hang out with the other music teachers in my district which is always nice. I’m so incredibly grateful for the schools and people I work with everyday!

The girls and I are going to go see “The Wiz” tonight at the high school…I want to actually hear what the music sounds like that I was supposed to play, I’m sure it will be amazing! I need to sit down sometime this weekend and write out 15 letters to 15 of my 7/8th grade choir students. We took a vote in class based on musical ability, character, leadership, respect, etc. and chose the top kids in the choir to recognize at our concert next week…and one of the things I do is when they’re name is announced (and it’s a surprise…they don’t know until they hear their name that they were chosen) I give them a personal letter from me. I know for some that’s probably no big deal but for others I know it’s something they may hang on to over the years or at least give them some special encouragement. I also give them some kind of gift…I’m not sure what I’ll give this year. It’s not a form letter…it’s personal based on what I’ve seen in them throughout the year, what I believe they can accomplish, etc. Thankfully…I enjoy writing:). It’s one of those above and beyond things…but I don’t want to just give a certificate with their name on it and my signature…that’s o.k. but I guess I want it to have some depth to it…o.k. I admit it I’m a little loony:). I honestly can see myself living in the same house 20 years from now and seeing kids and adults all over the place that I’ve had the priviledge to make music with and feeling so grateful for the fact that I got to be a part of their lives. It’s a wonderful feeling to hear “Mrs. Jackson” down the aisle of a store, in a parking lot, at the restaurant, etc. Even being honked at when I’m out in my flower bed and hearing my name being called out the window. Beautiful music to my ears…because each time it represents a relationship to me…a person who I’m able to make a difference in their life even if it’s just for a little while. I’ve found that giving my self away at my job is a circle thing…I’m amazed at how I receive from them and have a feeling that will just grow as time goes on.

Lauren came home today not too happy with herself…she doesn’t like feeling “different’…isn’t that every sixth grader’s issue:). She isn’t running from activity to activity, isn’t in a sport and so feels like she’s not cool like the rest…I assured her I think we do plenty of running, don’t ever really have too much time at home. And she is a relax kind of girl, she’s creative and artistic…I am going to have her get back into swimming in the fall…but between that and band and choir and church…that’s enough to me. I told her…her and Lydia are incredibly close…they really are best friends, I don’t just say that because I’m there mom. They’re out on the front porch right now playing Littlest Pet Shop and it’s adorable for me to hear them playing together. I told her today, as much as I’m close with my brothers and sisters and I am…I can already tell her and Lydia are closer and will be closer…maybe it’s because they only have each other, I had 6 kids in my family growing up, maybe it’s because they are the same gender and so close in age (19 months apart), maybe it’s because they have gone through big loss together, or maybe it’s just a God thing…I prayed and still pray for them to always have each other and to be best friends. Whatever it is…I know Lauren and Lydia are interlocked for life. I’m curious to see how that plays out, where they live, how often they see each other etc. If Lauren was in more stuff…she would have less time with Lydia and would be upset about that. I’d much rather her have the relationship with Lydia that she has than to be on the basketball team or whatever sport the other kids are in.

I got a card from my dad today, incredibly rare, you know how it goes, dads overall just don’t usually do that kind of thing. I have to tell you…even as a 38 year old woman as soon as I saw my dad’s handwriting on the envelope my heart was touched…I crave that kind of connection with my dad…it was a simple card, expressing thanks for a gift I had given…more important was the joy of both him and mom expressing how much our family means to them…the fact that we brothers and sisters honestly enjoy being together and love one another and would do what ever we could for each other, he expressed his love for his grandkids…I guess it just felt good to read it today…I’m a word person, and the written word has great power to me…I felt loved by my dad today and that was worth far more than the gift I had sent him. And I know he felt loved by me and that was worth far more to him than the gift I gave. Family is an incredibly wonderful gift from God, a slice of heaven…and I’m so grateful for mine. I know that’s not how it is in many families…I can’t imagine dreading getting together, or even worse refusing to get together. I’m thankful and again it reminded me of how much my girls lost almost two years ago. The date is fast approaching…May 5th…in a way it’s no different than any other day…we miss Mark everyday as far as that goes. And yet it is an anniversary…a reminder of how long it’s been since we said goodbye. Last year we took the day off of school…this year we’re not…I have a program the next day and just can’t do it this year…and truthfully I knew I didn’t need to. I am so glad that two years have gone by…in a way that fact is remarkable to me…it’s two years closer to a reunion, it’s two years that we’ve done alright…and we are closer to God, love Him more than ever all three of us…I have to be grateful. I know Mark would be and probably is…pleased with how well we are doing, I know he’s proud of who I’ve become in my career…he believed in me a long time before I did, I know he’s got to be proud of his girls…they are beautiful inside and out, I know he would be happy for the memories we’ve made, the moments we have with friends and family, he would be and probably is so glad to know that we are o.k.  I do wish that my girls could one day get a letter literally from their dad like I did today…I’m curious to see how God fills that hole. He’s promised that He would. Only time will tell…I’m curious to see who walks them down the aisle someday, who will be such a big part of their life that they would want that person to do it…anyway…for today we’re good, in fact better than good.

Debbie and Lori I appreciated your thoughts and yes…Debbie we are coming to dinner tomorrow…Lydia on the way home from church Sunday night said “Mom…the only way I’m going to make it through this week is by counting down the days til we go to Debbie’s house for dinner…” I hope you know how much she loves you…we all do but she has a special connection. Lauren will be off to Agape tomorrow…and it appears that it will probably be a cool, rainy weekend…perfect for an outdoor music festival…seems only fitting:). All the more memories to make.

Hope your day has been great!

Love,

Ruth

 

Another day flying by…I stayed up too late last night so I was way tired this morning…but I did get the power point done for my 7/8th grade program next week so that felt good. It was an above and beyond thing to do but today when I showed it to my kids at school they seemed to like it…I put pictures to each song, sometimes the group or individual that made the song famous, and then I included the kids quotes from when they wrote about how the song made them feel or what it meant to them. Over all the effect was good…and 70 slides later I’m glad it’s done.

Tonight Lydia has violen lesson otherwise I plan on a relaxing night at home and an early to bed. Tomorrow we’re planning on going to see The Wiz at the high school…I’m sure it will be great…and I am so glad I backed out early on…I must have been crazy to even consider it. Then Lauren is going to AGAPE this weekend a music festival out at Greenville College. Lydia and I will probably be at home for most of the time…which sounds so good to me:).

I was just listening to the song “Strength will rise when we wait upon the Lord…” I’m wondering…what does that mean to you…how does strength rise from waiting on the Lord…Just curious to see what you get out of that line.

Hope your day was great!

Love,

Ruth

Had a bit of interesting news land in my lap this morning. My school schedule is changing next year. I am switching elementary schools and will now be teaching at Eunice Smith rather than Gilson brown. My middle school time will stay the same but now I will be at Lydia’s school, so I will be her music teacher next year. I’m happy about that and I’m acquainted with the school already, taught Kindergarten their last year…and have been involved as a parent…but I was kind of surprised at my feelings this morning as I was with my Gilson Brown kids…somehow it all changes when you know you won’t be seeing these kids anymore. I know I only see them once a week…but at their age they enjoy connection with their teacher…and I make it my business to care about them. This is definitely not just a job for me. It’s a good change…just one I need to get used to.

Today my 7/8th graders were singing “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts…and as I was conducting them I was looking out at each face and I realized I was about to lose it…I’m definitely going to have to go into that song with some self control on my part. My assistant said she rarely if every cries at a song like that…and I told her…it’s not the song that did it for me…I’m not responding to beautiful music…although it was good…I’m responding to the faces I see in front of me…For the eighth graders leaving, I’ve just spent every weekday with them for three years in a row…believe it or not their is a real connection that occurs, maybe because of my approach to my job…whatever it is…they become my kids.

Anyway…tonight it’s oil change time and then no big plans. In thinking about waiting yesterday…I realized for some of us waiting is hard, for others it’s no big deal. I think a lot of Christians are so comfortable waiting they never step out…they continually just want to pray about it and don’t take action. So…maybe what I’m saying and thinking is more of a challenge for people like me…I grew up in a home where living on the edge was modeled, I don’t think Mark and i were ever actually in a comfort zone…and when I hear talks about how uncomfortable and scary and risky the Christian life is…I tend to want to say..”What?” because that’s not how I see it, to me it’s the surest most secure thing in life. Maybe it’s my upbringing, my natural bent, family genes, whatever it is, I find it much more challenging to wait then to move.

Last night this point of how we’re different came home to me in dealing with Lauren. She is so much like her dad. I tend to be a person where if you tell me I can’t do something then I will kill myself doing it…I’ll rise to the challenge and be motivated by what looks like an impossible task. Lauren is exactly the opposite and so was Mark. And I tend to still want to try and motivate her by using the tactics that work for me. I was reminded last night that she is much more motivated by encouragement…when challenged she says “I give up”…last night the issue happened to be about band/ drumming…her love language is words of affirmation and yet so many times I find myself “On” her…I’m working at trying to be more positive. Mark and his grandma had a close connection and I think a big part of it was simply his grandma could see no wrong in him, she believed in him and praised him generously to a fault, he felt completely loved and supported by her. I have to tell you the way I’m wired I find it really hard to be that positive and sweet and supportive…it’s something for me to work on. I have to somehow remember that Lauren will rise to the positive comments I’m throwing out to her even if she’s not there yet. So…I’m probably going a little over the top at the moment…but for me to learn how to do it better I think that’s what it’s going to take, hopefully eventually it will become second nature to me. We are all wired differently that’s for sure. And at some point we have to realize that if it’s not working, doing it one more time isn’t going to change a thing…the strategy has to change…wish I would’ve learned that sooner with mark. Anyway…

Have a great night!

Love,

Ruth

It’s a rainy day today which actually is wonderful from my opinion if that matters:)…means I don’t have to water anything tonight, and if it’s going to rain it might as well do it on a Monday, makes me less bothered by going to school.

I speak at the Vespers service on May 17th at our church. It’s no big deal, in front of a group of people who I could say just about anything and they would be encouraging…but I always find that in the process of preparing for something like this it forces my mind to process through stuff…which is a beautiful side benefit. So…although I’m not a dynamo at speaking, and don’t see myself doing it in any big way I’m actually thank ful for the opportunity because it tends to be good for me personally.

As you might now from the recent past the thought “Intentional living” has been on my mind, I’ve also been reading a book called “Don’t Waste Your Life” which has generated the same kind of thinking and then over the weekend with going to Six Flags and having plenty of time to think…well I think I know what I’m going to talk about. It’s a narrowed down focus off of those broader themes. I’m going to focus on “waiting”…I’m always aware when we go places like Disney, Six Flags etc. how much time is spent waiting and how much time is actually spent on the rides themselves and it’s clear the day is mostly about waiting…as I look at real life, my everyday experience it’s clear that a good part of my day is spent waiting. Waiting for kids to get quiet, waiting while at a stop sign, waiting to speak, etc. One of the first things kids must learn in school when they show up in the fall as kindergartners is to wait…every September this a huge challenge, just getting them to raise their hand and wait to be called on before they speak, getting them to line up and wait their turn, etc. None of us want to wait naturally and yet if you take a close look at your life and really want to get intentional about it you will find that a good part of your life is spent waiting. Time is my most precious resource…it’s the thing that once it’s gone it will never come back, it’s the thing that can be taken away in a moment’s notice, it’s the thing that I can waste the most simply by putting a bunch of meaningless moments together. So… if I’m submitting that we spend a huge amount of our life waiting…the next question becomes…what should our waiting time look like…most of us, my self included get frustrated when we have to wait, I mean why don’t they open another check out lane so we can get through faster…why doesn’t that person in front of us speed up so we can get where we want to go, etc. we become nervous in the waiting, pick up nervous habits like biting our nails, pacing, etc. we lose our joy, our peace, etc. when we are forced to wait if left to our natural self. We become selfish…just go to some general admission concert…hate to say it but especially if it’s Christian…and after waiting in line for an hour or two watch how much manipulating, pushing and shoving goes on to get a “good seat”. We panic…second guess ourselves…wonder if we got it right, start having regrets and misgivings. We stop trusting…I mean what if it doesn’t work out like we thought it would.

What would life look like if I never had to wait, never had to be in a line, never had to have a red light, never had to take a turn, what would life look like if everything was instanteous the way I wanted it to be. Would I ever hear from God…I doubt it…I hear Him most clearly when I’m waiting, would I run myself ragged…no doubt about that…I don’t rest unless it’s forced upon me by the fact that I have to wait, would I have half of the relationships I have today…no way…I wouldn’t have been forced to take the time while waiting to talk with people around me. Would I have thought anything through, processed anything, had time to “chew” on new truth, etc. no way…I would be all about accomplishing the next thing on my to do list. It’s clear that waiting isn’t something that should be taken out of my life…it’s clear waiting is part of God’s plan…this is made more obvious when I look at the multiple scriptures all through the bible about waiting…Waiting plays a purpose in our life…and it’s obviously something that is common to every man alive, no matter who you are you will experience waiting in your life at some point. So…

What should my waiting look like, how can I glorify God while I wait…what if my waiting was actually dramatically different from the way most people respond when forced with a wait…what if I was still full of joy…what if I was still at peace, what if I started noticing the people around me, starting saying an encouraging word, made any kind of small gesture of kindness…if you’ve ever tried it…you know our world is starved for random acts of kindness…what if my waiting was selfless instead of selfish…what if my waiting was full of experiencing the presence of God…full of time in prayer, what if I rested my soul when I had to wait, what if I praised God while I waited…I know this may seem a little crazy…but aren’t we supposed to be radically different…that doesn’t mean we all have to sell all our possessions and go to Africa…my friends…what if we just were holy while we waited…at the doctor’s office, the check out line, the restaurant, in our cars, at work, in our homes…I think it could have the potential to start a revival…

And this is such a small scale of waiting is all about…I mean I’ve been talking about physically waiting…but what about all of those areas that we’re waiting on that nobody even knows about…what about the widow…waiting for someone to love her…(I’ll be honest…why not), what about the couple waiting to have a child, what about the person who has been given a dream by God…and yet has to wait for a long time to see even a fraction of it come to fruition, what about the person who is waiting to give birth, waiting to get their own home, waiting to be healed, waiting for a miracle, and I could go on and on. What are you waiting for…what’s deep down in your heart. What are your God given desires and dreams and hopes…God has a plan and a purpose for our lives but often that involves lengthy periods of waiting…if so…I can guarantee there is a reason…so I guess I want to be about understanding His purpose in the wait. Not so I can approve of His decision…He doesn’t need my stamp of approval…no so that I can maximize my waiting time, I can make the most of it…I don’t want to spend one moment panicking, one moment being nervous, pacing and biting my nails figuratively or literally, I don’t want to get angry, act like a fool, insult others around me, I dont’ want to for one moment allow the world to see anything that would take away from who God is…I want my waiting to be holy, set apart, and want it to bring honor and glory to God. I don’t say that desire naively…I have some comprehension of the cost of that stance…it means I will have to let go of my plans, my time line, my to do list, my schedule, my desires…I will have to let everything about me go…sounds vaguely like the life we are all called to live as Christians.

So…this is where I’m going with May 17th…and more importantly this is what God is speaking to me about personally. Last night I went through and gathered pictures of people waiting off of google…they’re kind of funny actually…all it takes is a picture to put you right into the feeling of the people who are waiting. It was amazing though to find that their are pictures of people waiting who are smiling, who are clearly at peace and relaxed…I hope that is me more and more. I am also processing through the scriptures that have come up that have the word “Wait” in them…interesting to see the times in the bible when people were required to wait. I’m also listening to music that talks about waiting…I think it’s coming together…and in the mean time I’m going to wait on God…to fill in the gaps…Life is not all about waiting, obviously there is a time to take action…their is a time to move forward…but for me, that’s not something I struggle with as much…show me a step of faith to take and I’m usually game, maybe that’s just my nature…tell me to wait…well that’s totally against my grain…it would appear that has to be totally something that God does in my life. So…that’s what’s going on in my mind today. I would love to sit and write more…but here again, even though God has clearly given me a heart’s desire to write, to process, to share…I never seem to have the time right now to do it as thoroughly as I would like…it’s a God given desire…but this isn’t the right time…I have to live in peace about that…do what I can and trust that in God’s time and way it will be right. I hope this gives you a glimpse though of what God is doing in my life.

Please….if you get a chance or if God speaks to you about this whole issue, or you just have a random thought come up please leave me a comment…I have not exhausted the subject…I don’t think I could and I would love to read your insights, your experiences in waiting…

Tonight is Lydia’s school music program so that is our evening plans…it’s always nice for me to go to a program and just be a parent:).

Hope you have a great Monday!

Love,

Ruth

We’re tired today…not our pretty selves I can tell:). Kids are laying down right now and I’m close to follow. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the past couple of days, especially yesterday, the highs and the lows. When you take a day as a family and go someplace like Disney, Six Flags, etc. it’s interesting what it shows about your relationships with each other. Maybe I notice these kind of things because I rarely ride anything which leaves me plenty of time to watch people interacting with each other, you can only sit and read so long:).

So here are my thoughts in some kind of random order. I’m not sure exactly why I feel the need to communicate this with you except if I don’t write it somewhere…I’ll forget the insight.

First…the trip to the destination…when you’re going someplace you know is good…it doesn’t really matter how early you had to get up, how long the trip is, excitement is in the air and you would be willing to make whatever sacrifice to go. And the truth is a lot of the fun is having friends with you in the car…I don’t know about you but I have no plans once I’m single and my kids are grown to make trips to Six Flags, or even Disney for that matter…what fun would that be. The correlation that comes to mind is…we’re on a trip…a life trip…going someplace good…heaven…are we excited about it, are we taking anybody else along with us…what sacrifices have we been willing to make, do we even remember where we’re going?

Second…the girls were riding the Log Flume, every amusement park has to have one:). I rode the first time with them but the second time they all four wanted to ride together and the log only fits four so I watched. I was standing by the area where you can put in a quarter and spray the log as it’s going by. It was a hot day and I was thinking…hmmm…maybe I should try it, I knew they would probably enjoy it. When they got to a certain point in the line Lauren ran over to me and said…”Mom…can you spray us?”. I had already planned on it but that confirmed it. Believe it or not…as God would have it…not only did I spray them but another guy and his daughter did too…just randomly, I didnt’ ask them too but they happened to want to do it and Lauren’s log happened to be the one floating by at that moment. WHen the log circled around and was farther back I saw Lauren look over at me, and make the motions for “I love you” it’s been one of our long time routines and she was absolutely glowing…all because I used a quarter to spray her and her friend. Interesting…made me think of prayer…and the good things that God has planned for us. The thought was already in my mind…but her asking me to do it, didn’t bother me, it just made my delight in doing it all the greater. Did her request change my mind, or my plans…not really, but because she asked and I did it…she appreciated it more and she took it as a sign of my love for her…which is ultimately why I would’ve done it anyway…but had she not asked…she might not have noticed and defiinitely might have not realized it for what it was. So…my thought is…even if God already has good things planned for us, which we can know with confidence that He does…it’s o.k. to ask, to pour out our heart’s desire…if nothing else our response to Him, our love and adoration will be all the stronger because we will realize He has answered our prayers. When Lauren turned and pointed to her eyes, crossed her heart and pointed at me…I had a small glimpse, a glimpse of how God must feel when we praise Him, their is a certain delight in that kind of moment.

Later I was watching Lydia and Jordan her friend, riding the hot air balloon ride. Really it’s kind of a little kid ride but they were adorable. Their balloon was spinning round and round and their heads were almost touching and the look on their faces was pure joy. They were enjoying the ride, and even more enjoying the friendship. Oh how sweet it must be for God…when He sees us enjoying our journey but not only enjoying the ride or the journey but enjoying the people that are on it with us. I tend to be a loner, am content to have alone time, in fact need it from time to time…but their is something about shared experiences, shared meals, shared moments with people you love that are so wonderful…a glimpse of heaven.

Towards the end of the day when we were winding down, I knew I wanted to get our tickets to the three concerts I mentioned yesterday. I knew the kids wouldn’t want to miss out on rides while I was doing it and I knew that it might take a few minutes. They’re old enough and also have been to Six Flags so many times they know their way around. So…I asked them which two rides they wanted to ride next, and said that I would meet them at the second one. Figured that would give me enough time to get the tickets and meet them there without too much confusion. Well…as fate would have it…the ticket process took much longer, they were having problems with their computer, etc. I figured it wasn’t too big a deal, knew the kids would be standing in lines and even if they got done with the second ride “The ferris wheel” that they could just ride it again, or sit and wait for me. Little did I know that the Ferris wheel wasn’t working. So…by the time I got back to the Ferris wheel to meet them their was quite a commotion. Lydia and Jordan were sitting there as I had told them to do, Lauren and Holly had gone back to Tony Hawk’s big spin, thinking that maybe I went to that ride instead of to the Ferris wheel. I was happy to have accomplished the task I set out to do and thinking about how much my kids were going to enjoy the fact that I had just gotten us four tickets for each concert, and had made sure they were centered and on the aisle, etc. My kids weren’t impressed by that at all, no big surprise…but in the time I was gone which wasn’t really that long they had a multitude of reactions…they thought maybe I was on the Ferris Wheel by myself and stuck somewhere in one of the cars…so they tried yelling for my attention…(have you ever yelled at God…), they went back and thought maybe they had misunderstood, they second guessed the directions I gave them (Have you ever second guessed GOd’s directions when the timing didn’t seem right), they waited with a growing sense of panic…and when I showed up they were going on and on about “Where were you…” All the while I was doing exactly what I told them I was going to do, I was preparing good things for us down the road, I was refilling their drinks and cotton candy basket. I was allowing them to ride without any concerns or at least that could’ve been the case. It just all reminded me of how many times we second guess God, how many times we panic, how many times we try to take matters into our own hands. I told both the girls…if I tell you I will meet you at a certain location I will so stay until I come. How many times has God said those words to me…Bottom line they had to wait on me, it doesn’t happen often, and it was for a good reason but nonetheless they had to wait. Waiting is one of the most difficult things for me on the journey. It’s easy for me to second guess…did I really hear God’s direction the right way, maybe I misunderstood, it’s easy for me to want to get busy about trying to work it out for myself, it’s easy for me to cry out to God in panic wondering where He is. But truthfully just as I was planning good things for my kids far in advance…so is God on my behalf, and truthfully…if they had just sat and waited it would have done them good…by that point in the day they were all weary, complaining about their achy feet…had they simply followed the directions I gave they would’ve gotten a much needed break…everything would’ve worked out for their good…sounds vaguely like how God operates. I’m reminded that when God says it…He will do it…and if that means I’m sitting on a bench waiting for Him, then I might as well rest in Him and understand that is probably exactly what I need for my spirit anyway.

On the way home…my two girls were bantering back and forth…they were tired and even though they’re good kids…they were saying mean stuff, I tried to lighten the mood but eventually just told them “If you can’t say anything nice just be quiet”…it got real quiet:). How many times do we “Good Christians” let ourselves get weary and we find ourselves saying and doing things that if we weren’t so physically weary we wouldn’t be doing. We are human, we have human needs. Lydia got upset with me this morning at church because she wanted to go over to a friends’ house…and I could tell by her attitude and behavior what she really needed was a nap. So…we’re at home…even good kids say and do things that shouldn’t be done when they’re at the end of their rope. It’s something we all have to watch out for. I’m at my ugliest, most selfish level when I’m doing life on empty.

I guess the whole thing just came full circle for me…the idea of us being on a journey is something that always goes through my mind, the relationship of parent to child is something that always gives me glimpses into what God must feel like even though I’m just a human.

This morning in Sunday School we were talking and learning again about prayer and it was related that prayer is like riding a bicycle…I think that’s a good analogy. Even if you haven’t rode a bike in awhile I think you could get back on one today and know what to do…Our giant that Pastor Mark talked about today was Isaiah…it was the message I’ve heard often over the years “Woe is me…” “Here I am…” always good things to think through…

Hope you are having a great Sunday, the weather is beautiful, I have almost every window open in my house and I love that feeling, the sounds, the breeze, I have five weeks til summer which comforts me…I’m more than ready for a change from the school schedule. I’ll push through…will be over before I know it.

Love,

Ruth

 

What a day! Woke up at my normal honor choir time…5:30am…I can tell having to do that everyday of the week has taken it’s toll:). I’ll have to work on that this summer…but it was a good thing I did wake up then…as I suddenly realized I needed to make sure we were all set to go to Six Flags today, and make sure I got Lydia to her Young Author thing on time and I decided since I normally go through the house on Saturdays that I should do a quick run through…o.k. that last part may have not been necessary and definitely did not make me the most gracious mom this morning but you know how it goes.

Lauren and I hung out at Border’s while Lydia was in her class time at the Young Author thing which was nice. I ended up picking up a book by C.S. Lewis called “A Grief Observed” sounds inspirational doesn’t it:). I just wanted to read what grief was like for a man like C.S. Lewis…wanted to see how he processed through it. So…that’s what I read today at Six Flags while the kids were all riding rides. Kind of ironic that I was in the “fun” place today where everybody is supposed to be happy and I was reading “A Grief Observed”…I kind of enjoyed the irony of it. The girls all seemed to have a good day, the weather was good and they were able to ride quite a few rides without too long of lines. Lauren’s friend had never been to Six Flags before so it was all new to her and Lydia’s friend hadn’t been in a long time. All in all I think the day went well. The girls are in the hot tub now soaking their aching feet. I have to admit, no matter how you do it…a day at Six Flags is exhausting by the end of the day. You’re on your feet all day, they were all groaning on the way back to the car. I was able to pick up our tickets for the summer concerts coming up, David Crowder, Mercy Me, and Jeremy Camp today so that definitely gives us something to look forward to. That’s one of the huge perks to getting a season pass and I appreciate that at Six Flags they make an effort to hold several Christian concerts each season.

So…tomorrow it’s to church and then I seriously see a nap being a good idea in the afternoon…it’s going to be another full week. Lydia has her school program Monday night, I have an oil change Tuesday night, etc.

C.S. Lewis has a fascinating way of thinking through things…some of his ponderings in dealing with grief amaze me. He questions that their will be a reunion…questions the goodness of God, etc. found myself wondering why some of his issues seemed like no big deal for me…and yet, grief is a funny thing, it hits us all differently. I did appreciate the point that he drove home about how I am better able to feel some connection with Mark or in his case “H”, when I don’t force the issue, it’s not something I can just conjure up by watching some home videos or pictures…in fact surprisingly I’ve spent very little time doing those activities. I experience Mark more in moments that happen in daily life, something that someone says, somebody that reminds me of how Mark looked, an expression, a memory that is triggered by some unexpected event. It’s in living that I remember Mark…not really in looking at a picture. Pictures are nice and I’m glad I have them…but still they only go so far. Tonight as I was driving home, exhausted, I couldn’t help but remember all the times Mark would drive us home from some big family day at Six Flags or elsewhere. The girls and I would fall asleep and I didn’t have to give it a thought, until we arrived in our driveway. Gone are those days…tonight I had to make sure I didnt’ fall asleep driving!! I remembered the various rides he used to ride with the girls. I’ve never been much of a rider…road only two rides today. I remember the hillarity of Mark’s wit at the end of one of these kind of days…the climax had to be with Eric and Kelly Miller at Disney World…that was a memory that will last me forever.

I realized as I was reading today…that CS Lewis was really struggling through his faith, and whether or not he could really trust God…obviously I think he came through that. But I found myself thinking on the way home today…”Ruth…why has it been easy for you to trust God…why hasn’t it been harder, I’ve seen others around me struggle through it, people who are solid in their walk with God…but still having a hard time trusting God. It surely can’t be because I was or am indifferent to Mark’s death. I loved him, I still do, I always will…it’s not because it’s so easy to be a single parent, it’s not because I have a relationship in the wing, it’s not because of who I am…so how in the world did God prepare me to be able to trust Him fully. I feel like I may almost sound like a cliche, a worn out church saying when I say “I trust God…” but for me…it’s that simple…sometimes I feel like what other choice did I have, or do I have. And yet I know that’s not true…their are other choices and people seem to make those choices all the time naturally. All I can come up with is by the grace of God, and maybe a lifetime of prayers from my mom…I honestly have banked everything I am, everything I will ever be on the fact that I can trust God. I saw the principle lived out first hand on a daily basis in my home growing up…sometimes I think it was good that I witnessed need and God’s provision on a regular basis as a child. And in my marriage and in ministry, and in my career…I’ve been forced to wrestle with the issue of trust…What ever it is, for whatever reasons…I trust God.

After I got done with that book…I started on Michael J. Fox’s book something about “looking up”…I haven’t gotten too far in it but I know it will be an interesting book about his struggles with Parkinson’s.

Well I should hit the hay…I’m tuckered out! Supposed to be another beautiful day tomorrow. Hope you have a great Sunday!

Love,

Ruth

It’s been a full Friday…

But another beautiful day overall…in fact today I can honestly say it was HOT…the girls jumped on the trampoline this afternoon with the sprinkler running…that’s always a sign that summer is coming. I’m into full watering mode… with my plants…threw in a couple more plants tonight, I’m trying some that climb trellis type things…they’re really pretty…we’ll see if I can keep them alive:). Tonight I met our new neighbors, they’re in the process of moving in after doing some major remodeling. A young couple…still in the same family as the previous two families that lived there…I feel like I’m getting to know the whole clan:). The teenagers that worked in my yard to put the dirt down happened to be walking by tonight while I was outside and enjoyed seeing the progress the grass had made:). Or at least they pretended like they did. I love how when you’re outside you never know who you might see, who might honk their horn at you, who might stop by, etc.

Tonight was Lydia’s Junior Symphony concert…last night was her school orchestra concert which was fine…but I’m so thankful Lydia has the opportunity to be in the community Symphony group…it’s just a whole different level of performing and always leaves her wanting to play better. Gives her something to shoot for. Tonight as I sat there I felt so grateful to God that we moved to Alton…my kids have musical opportunities that they would’ve never had if we hadn’t moved. Next fall Lydia is planning on trying out for the Youth Symphony which is kind of like the next level up, they actually go to different locations and have several times in the year when they perform. Would be a great opportunity for her. Lauren is considering trying out for the percussion section…we’ll see. I talked to the girls tonight about the fact that although at times they would like to jump on to some other instrument or activity, it’s important to master the ones they’re on. So many people have a little bit of education and lessons in a ton of areas but can’t master any of them…I want them to understand that mastering one instrument is better than a hodge podge of more. We heard an eighth grade violen soloist tonight that was absolutely incredible. I couldn’t believe she was only in eighth grade! Gave Lydia something to shoot for…

Tomorrow we head to Edwardsville for Lydia’s Young Author event…and then we’re picking up a friend for each of the girls and going the five of us to Six Flags for the rest of the day. The weather is supposed to be great so that will help. I’ll probably throw in a book…the girls will contentedly be riding rides, with hopefully not too long of lines…I have to admit…I wish I had a friend to go with me…oh well…a book usually does the trick.

Tonight Lydia finished the book of John…so now we move on into Acts. Of course she’s highly motivated due to the promise of a cell phone once she’s done with the New Testament…but at the same time…she’s learning a lot and I’m glad she’s getting the Word in her heart and mind. Lauren has been reading through a devotional book I found for her with special verses for each day based on a teenagers’s heart. She seems to be enjoying it. She had a good day at the zoo today…it was hot, so she got her first sun burn…but that will fast turn to a tan. Thankfully…my last hour class…they were running late so by the time they got back…we only had 20 minutes left of class…we just chilled out, they were all worn out from walking around in the heat so it worked out beautifully.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Love,

Ruth

It’s another beautiful day here in Alton. Feels good to have made it through another school day. Just finished my therapy…after school I water plants, it’s a mindless activity that I do alone and gives me some time to myself. And at the same time I enjoy seeing how everything has grown. The girls are playing contentedly on the front porch. THankfully their homework load as of late has been pretty light. Tonight Lydia has her school orchestra concert, so that’s where we will be from 6:30-8 probably. And then one more day of school to make it through for this week. It’s kind of a busy weekend for us, fun stuff, but still busy…Friday night Lydia has a community orchestra concert at Lewis and Clark, Saturday she has her young author district event in Edwardsville, and then we’re picking up Jordan Bruder and taking her with us to go to Six Flags for the day. We have season passes and haven’t gone yet so…I figure it’s time. The weather is supposed to be good so that helps:). Then it’s church on Sunday, and probably whatever I need to catch up on at the house and for school the rest of the day and then here comes another week already. This month has flown by, I’m grateful…mind you, I don’t care to slow it down at this point. I have one more week of relative calm before I go into intense concert time…I have six programs/contests in a 2 and a half week stretch. I keep telling myself…no big deal before you know it it will be all over for another year. No need to worry…it just comes and goes so fast anyway and always seems to come together so…

Tomorrow Lauren goes on a field trip to the St. Louis Zoo…of course they’re making sure to be back in time for choir…at the end of the day. So…I’ll not only get the kids at the end of the week, the last hour of the day…but just after getting back from their field trip…sometimes I feel like I should write the sixth grade teachers a thank you not or something:)…(a bit of sarcasm there). It’s not really that exciting of a field trip. I mean the zoo is great…but by the time they leave to go, drive an hour, see a couple of thing, eat lunch, it’s time to come back…I’ve gone along with the kids a number of times on these field trips now and each time it’s more frustrating than anything. But I guess it makes an easy trip. At least the weather is supposed to be good…I’ve done it in the rain before…not fun.

Nothing else real big going on…actually that’s enough big stuff all mentioned above for me…

I have started to plan out our spring break plans for next year…I know that sounds crazy…but we actually get a full week next year for spring break…which is highly unusual so I knew I needed to make the most of it…we’re definitely going to go south…trying something new…hope it turns out well:).

Love,

Ruth

I don’t know if any of you got a chance to see the Disney movie “Earth” today…but I hope so…WOW it was incredible. No man made story can compare to watching God’s creation, I could not believe the variety of animals and the close up nature of it all and I was just in awe, Lydia had tears a few times as the natural circle of life process took place…but still…wow, their is no denying their is a God when you watch something like that! I guess the movie was only out for today…but if for some reason it comes out later on DVD…pick it up…you’ll be glad you did!

Love,

Ruth

Today is one of those days where if I got to choose the ideal weather for everyday of the year…this would be it!! It’s sunny, pleasantly warm, gorgeous with a little breeze.

Lauren’s band concert went really well last night. I was incredibly proud of her. I can tell even from the vast amount of drummers the band has that she is a leader and someone the band teachers count on. Her rhythm was flawless:). People always like to tease how Mark used to play the drums…but honestly for being entirely self taught I always thought he was pretty good. It’s good to see Lauren following in his footsteps. And I didn’t realize this until last night but Alton Middle school where I teach is the largest middle school in the whole state of Illinois. The band teacher and I were laughing about that today…no wonder we feel like we carry a huge weight around on our backs everyday:). It all makes sense. Actually I have to say…I’m thankful, proud, grateful to be working in the Alton district and that so far I seem to be able to measure up to the standard…it’s a good feeling.

Tonight is Lydia’s violen lesson and then we’re going down to Edwardsville to see the “Earth” movie put together by Disney. It is Earth day after all:). Actually, we’re going because I’ve seen the previews and it looks like a great movie, lots of up close real life animal stuff.

Otherwise nothing real big going on in my mind today. I can feel myself approaching my usual very busy time with programs galore…but so far so good.

Hope you’re having a great day and that you get some time outside:)!

Love,

Ruth