The Jackson Family Online

I’m beyond tired tonight…I guess overall it’s been a good day…just full. I had my first day using a cart for my music classes at my elementary school, worked out fine. I do miss having my own niche to sit down in during off times…but I manage. I only dropped a couple of things off of my cart today…once in awhile I forget that it’s open on all sides…oops. It definitely keeps things exciting.

Seemed good to get things organized during choir today. Finally have assigned spots, assigned folders, assigned ways of taking attendance, etc. Now it’s actually down to the business of learning the music, it had to come to that eventually:).

Came home and watered everything and used my new hand saw…yes I did purchase one over the weekend…can’t believe how much easier it is to trim a tree using a saw rather than my body weight. A whole lot less painful for sure. Then I did major round upping…always weeds to kill. Someone said to me recently…when I said that Praise God there would be no weeds in heaven…they said…well “one man’s weed is another man’s flower…” o.k. I know that occasionally, rarely, a weed can flower and seem somewhat pleasant possibly but I have to tell you…I’m thrilled with the fact that there will be no weeds, God surely has a big enough inventory of beautiful flowers…that there should be no need to have weeds like dandelions. Just a thought…I didn’t say too much out loud…I restrained myself…(sound effect…Ruth is patting herself on the back)…but I have to admit I wanted to argue:).

The girls have been getting into watching tv more after school, it’s something we’ve never done much of…and I can tell I’m going to have to monitor that a little more. It’s easy to come home after a day at school and just want to veg…understandable…but I would much rather have them come outside with me…read a book, draw a picture or something rather than having their free time be lost in tv. Lauren did start working on quizzing tonight, I picked up some notecards for her and she’s working on memorizing the “quote” verses. She has three to learn by Sept. 13. I was trying to pace her…to just learn one tonight and I have to say I’m impressed…she worked hard and learned all three. Now I”m realizing how much she can probably do this year if she takes time everyday…it’s good to know she’s hiding God’s word in her heart.

We finished off the evening with a game of Wii sports. Actually the girls played and I watched from a laying down position on the couch, almost falling asleep. I got a call from our middle school tonight that one of the students has been diagnosed as having some unique flu…I don’t remember what they called it but we’re supposed to be extra careful…Lauren proceeded to tell me she has a sore throat…ugh…I sure hope we don’t catch whatever it is that is going around. I told the girls to wash their hands at every opportunity. You know you work at a public school when the first wave of sickness is already threatening to come into your home and it’s only the second week of school.

Anyway…ironically enough yesterday at church I noticed that one of the new Sunday School classes that is being offered for the fall is about the Holy Land…kind of ironic as I’m reading quite a bit these days about it…made the choice of which class to go to easy for me.

This week we have some fun plans coming up so that gives us something to look forward to. Tomorrow night I’m going to HEart’s at home at Kathy Scandrett’s house…it’s actually for married women but I seem to still be able to go without it being too big a deal…Tomorrow Lydia also starts her voice lessons. On Wednesday Lauren has youth group…I”m glad she’s getting more tied in this year than last year. Then on Thursday Lydia is back into her violen lessons and we’re going to go see Disney on Ice…you may or may not remember but about a year ago we went to the Family Arena for the show and the power went out so we were able to get free tickets for a different show…well this is the replacement one…on Friday and Saturday we’re staying the night in a hotel over on the West Side of St. Louis. I pricelined it so was able to get a 4 star hotel for dirt cheap…always nice. Saturday Mercy me is coming to Six Flags and we’re going…so it will be nice to be staying over near the park. Sunday we’ll be back for church and then it’s a picnic in the park that night with our church…so as you can tell we have a full week of good things.

Sure has felt like fall lately…when I was out in my yard today I actually watched as a whole bunch of leaves were swirling around and falling off of trees. Had to remind myself that it’s still August…not October. Actually I don’t mind it cooling down…once I”m back in school it might as well:). And part of me really looks forward to sweatshirt weather again, campfires, hay rides, pumpkins and apples, colored leaves, etc.

Hope your Monday was great!

Love,

Ruth

Another weekend has flown by…The house is clean for the most part, yard mowed, bird feeders filled…etc. at least for a few days. Last night the girls and I even went and saw a movie “Julie and Julia” which I thought was a pretty good movie. Lots of cooking as it was about Julia Child. I found it fascinating as it also had a lot to do with blogging…I could relate on a number of levels. Truthfully, if not for this blog I can guarantee that the last couple of years would’ve been very different for me. Thankfully my husband knew me well enough to realize this and set this all up for me before he died. (With Todd LInke’s help)

Today was church, and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get Lauren to the Linke’s house to go to The Bridge and then get Lydia and I to church in time to practice for worship team. My heart was definitely not quiet and ready to worship…then I looked at the music and realized I should’ve probably looked at it sooner and actually practiced. The irony of it all is I was asked to pray before the service and I prayed about God quieting our hearts, and the fact that we all had so much going on and needed to realize that He is enough etc. and by the second song in the first service the power went off and we did most of the rest of the service in the dark or by natural sunlight after we opened the side doors. Maybe this was all in answer to my prayers…It actually was kind of neat…reminded me how our best laid plans aren’t really all that necessary. Was interesting to see the cross on the stained glass window showing through the screen when all else was dark in the room. Very symbolic…for me one of me greatest struggles is how many layers there is to life so when I’m reminded that none of that really matters…it’s always a good reminder. I tend to overcomplicate things…it’s really quite simple. Everything in life is either drawing me closer to God or pulling me away.

We enjoyed going out to lunch with The Hall Family…and finding out about upcoming youth events. Lauren is getting into that phase in life where there is much she can take part in…now trying to sort through it and decide what she should do. Today she started Bible QUizzing…which is a pretty big commitment at our church, basically the kids need to memorize the books of 1 Cor and 2 Cor. over the year or at least as much as possible of those two books. I’m going to have to learn it right along with Lauren I’m sure. But I know it will be a good thing…every verse learned is something that can never be taken away.

Tonight The Bridge people came over to our church and we had a prayer service together…was really a great evening, so good to see old friends, and to pray with each other. I love both churches and both families of God and am so glad I’ve been able to be a part of both.

When Mark died I gave Pastor Ben Mark’s old Lumina…it wasn’t any great prize of a car…but it was fairly reliable and Ben didnt’ have a car so…it was an improvement. Ben just told me today that they traded it in…I’m impressed it lasted this long…and when he went to trade it in on the cash for clunker’s deal…it didn’t work as the engine was still in too good of shape…the touching thing was tonight he told me he had two sets of keys to the car still and wondered if the girls would each like to keep a set on a necklace or something. I thought that was very nice of him to ask and I said “YES”. Some things are just very sentimental…and whenever we see a white Lumina we are reminded of Mark driving that car.

It’s been a good weekend over all…gone by too fast, they always do. But hopefully I’m ready for another week. My choir’s at school seem to keep growing, hopefully I’ve added the last of the new additions…I’m up to 89 kids in one class and 85 in another with 51 in my sixth grade choir. That’s a lot of middle schoolers in one room trying to learn parts and make music. Seems a little daunting but I know when I get in there it will work out…it always does. It’s the normal Sunday night dread for me…I have this little idealic dream in my head I guess where I get to be one of those people who gets up in the morning and leisurely gets a cup of coffee and my bible and sits in the sunroom and has a quiet time with God. Then I read the morning paper…go around the house and pick up…do some laundry…go volunteer at some great place…like my daughter’s school…meet a friend for lunch…come home and make sure a great dinner is prepared for my family when they get home…etc. Does everybody struggle with this or is it just me? My life feels nothing like that idealic dream…sometimes I think maybe in retirement. My morning is more of a drill sargeant’s life:)…jumping in the car and zipping to school in time to just make it before I’m late…It seems like every week I have to do a little coming to terms with God about it all. He reminds me that He’s called me…I’m reminded that I accepted the call…and I march off to the battle field for another week. I have a feeling my cravings and longings are more about the fact that this world is not my home than about my actually life here and now. I have to accept the place where I am…learn to be content…and I have, it’s settled…I guess I just weekly need to recommit to it. We’ve started to say a new thing to each other this school year when we say goodbye to each other for the day. We say…”try to enjoy your day at school, learn something new, to soak in this opportunity” rather than just drudging off to another day.

In watching the movie I watched this weekend (Julie and Julia) I’m reminded that blogging can become a very selfish process. Telling about my life, my needs and desires, my plans, my schedule, my disappointments, me me me. It’s actually fairly one sided, I mean I always have Lori I can count on to send a comment or to challenge me to get back on track if needed:)…but in reality I know very little about your lives, your hopes and dreams, your plans, needs, etc. I tell you about my day, my events, my feelings, etc. I tell you the minutia of my life…honestly I’m not always even totally sure why…but it’s such a part of my life to write each day I feel like I’ve skipped a huge part of my life if I don’t blog. My kids are literally used to falling asleep to the sound of my clicking on the keyboard at the computer each night…so that it’s become a security thing…if I don’t blog when they go to bed…they’re disappointed. Sometimes I think maybe I’m a lunatic about it all. I have no idea if you all care about the things I’m writing. Truthfully, I have no idea at this point who even reads this…maybe it’s just you and I Lori:). I’ve never been able to figure out the counter thing to know and I’m sure many may read and never comment. Part of me thinks for my own vanity I shouldn’t need to know…I deal with pride in enough areas of my life I surely don’t need to have this be one of those areas. In the movie the husband and wife have a big blow out about how selfish she has become, her year of blogging and cooking have become a year that seems very self-absorbing. She gets excited with all of the people commenting on her blog, etc. And frankly you can just tell the husband has had enough and finally tells her so. It just made me stop and think…this is my blog…so naturally I talk about my view of life…and yet…I don’t want to be self absorbed…In the movie she only blogged for a year…that was when she stopped the cooking project. I originally started this blog because Mark was sick and it was a way of keeping everyone in the loop…I wondered when he died if I would still do this…and here I am…and I’ve been blogging for almost 3 years (in January it will be 3). I wonder sometimes…will there be a time when I should stop…will this run it’s course…have I already gone longer than I should’ve, am I boring people, making people read things and feel like they have to read things that they really don’t care about. Occasionally people will actually apologize to me that they haven’t been able to keep up with my blog…please know…I know you all have lives of your own…you have schedules to keep, children to raise, homes to clean, jobs to do, dreams to live out. Don’t ever feel like you have to read this blog…or that if you don’t you will hurt my feelings. The fact that you care about me…and love my girls…is enough. And I’m not sure why I’m blogging…I tend to see it as my way of recording my life for my girls (who knows if they’ll every read this:), and as much as I would like to write a book someday…part of me thinks this blog is my book, o.k. it’s not earning me a living, it’s not a polished, published book, it’s disorganized, random, wordy…but it’s me. If in some way this blog has encouraged you…drawn you closer to God…or touched you in any other way then I’m grateful that God has allowed me to be used.

THat being said…until next time…

Ruth

After over sleeping (can’t imagine why that would happen:)…and almost being late to work…well the rest of the day has been quite divine really. I feel more together at my elementary and looking forward to the next month than I would have if I hadn’t had this whole experience this week. Tonight has been a good night at home…warmed up left overs…Lauren baked a cake…watched Monk…just finished a game of Yahtzee…caught a nap while the girls watched The Apple Dumplin Gang and now we’re headed to bed early…and can sleep in…Tomorrow it’s time to clean house and I’m actually kind of looking forward to that. I’m a little odd that way, I think I could use the therapy:). So…just wanted to let you know that I’m still sane, I’m actually much more sane when I type at 9:35pm rather than 4am…imagine that:).

Ruth

I’m awake at an hour when I should be fast asleep getting my beauty sleep:), feeling overwhelmed. My mind is whirring and churning thinking through everything that needs to get done, at school, at home, with my kids, etc. I want to do everything I do with excellence I just don’t know if there is enough of me to go around to cover those bases…so what gets left undone, what do I decide isn’t a priority? I’m sure a big part of it is the whole fact that the room I created in three days…is being undone in one and a half while I”m feeling guilty that my assistant teachers at the middle school are having to cover two days without me. They’re more than capable so I’m sure that is probably guilt misplaced but still it’s there. I have something deeply ingrained in me that I don’t want to take advantage of anybody else. One of those work ethic issues I guess.

I’m thinking through lesson plans, it’s not easy trying to keep things going at two schools. I’m thinking through class lists, I can’t believe how much adding and dropping occurs within the first week…I’ve scratched names out, wrote names in…and I’m still not sure my list is accurate. I’m thinking through upcoming programs realizing that I need to make sure I’m pacing myself to make sure we’re ready…it’s like a marathon and i know these first weeks are critical. I’m thinking about honor choir…I haven’t got tryouts done yet and I need to narrow a list of probably 60 kids to 30…who will I disappoint this year? I hate that feeling and part of my job. I’m thinking through the activities I’m saying yes and no to with my own two girls. Realizing how little time I spent with them this evening…I mean I was in the room with them I guess…but I was busy trying to find a sub for tomorrow…checking email, etc. the normal business of life and before you know it too much time went by without any real time with my kids. I find myself wondering…when was the last time I played a game with them? I’m thinking through our budget…trying to be much more conscious about how we spend every dollar, more and more we are coming to a greater awareness of how much the rest of the world is in poverty and I take that seriously…I’m thinking through the fact that the past few days haven’t been $10 days for us…we haven’t gone crazy…but I’m already thinking o.k. what are we going to have for dinner tonight so I can make it a $10 day. I’m thinking through the fact that I need to make sure I am in contact with the singles at our church this weekend to follow up on the event we’re having in two weeks. I’m playing the piano this weekend, should’ve probably looked ahead at the music in stead of just walking into it cold. Just didn’t have time. I’m wanting to encourage Lauren on in bible quizzing this year…but afraid about the fact that I’m not sure I can follow up on her enough to help her succeed. My house needs to be cleaned…that’s definitely not as high these days on the list of priorities but it’s still something that weighs on me. I didn’t water the flowers tonight, I need to mow my yard…fill the bird feeder…extras for sure and yet…important to me. People around me that I should be following up on…there just doesn’t seem to be time. I find myself wondering if it’s like this for everybody…probably is…I mean I can’t be the only one right?!?

Generally I can pray myself down from the ledge…actually it’s God who comes in and gives me peace…but for whatever reason tonight I’ve just lost over an hour of sleep to this nonsense. I finally knew I Just needed to get up and get it out or I would never go back to sleep. I am so thankful that this weekend I have no big plans for Friday night and Saturday. My mind, body and spirit are calling out for time to regroup. It’s funny…I think I can take on more and more and keep it all together and truthfully my limit is pretty far out there but then all of a sudden it’s like I hit a wall and I realize that I’ve not listened to any of the warning signs leading up to the wall. Tonight…that’s were I am.

Back to the same drill…single parenting, home owner, teaching, church member, family member, friend, neighbor, evangelist, musician, writer, etc. God is with me to be sure…and I don’t walk alone…just sometimes the load feels heavier. So…I guess with this blog tonight I just needed to be able to take the backpack of life off of my shoulders for awhile and stand up and be out from the weight of the world so that I can go get some much needed rest.

I’m amazed at how much God has helped me accomplish, He’s definitely helping me to make good use of my time and energy. The fact that I have everything moved out of my classroom and for the most part organized in the closet is testament to that. The fact that I had time to check my daughter’s math homework tonight, the fact that even though Im’ working and not able to volunteer in Lydia’s classroom like I would like… we were able to go get every size of ziploc bag tonight and put them in a basket as a gift to her teacher (she said she needed ziploc bags) is evidence of going the extra mile. I always tend to forget how much of the first week of school is just set up for the rest of the year…getting assigned riser spots, assigned folder numbers, teaching warm ups, solfegge, trying out for honor choir, signing up kids for voice lessons, learning the names of 525 students, keeping up with the email from the school that I’m expected to be on top of, Filling out endless paperwork that I’m sure gets filed somewhere insignificant, ordering supplies for the year, getting my schedule straight, making sub plans unexpectedly.

That’s why I love the months of June and July…I can shut it all off for a little while. I put the kids in the car hit the road and it’s like I can shut off a huge part of my mind and just relax. For me the school year is a marathon and I have to pace myself…this week I’ve been running to fast and I’m all cramped up:)…I’ve got to slow it down and get a better pacing or I’ll never make it. Praise God Friday is here…they tend to come just in time. And I’m grateful that next weekend is a three day weekend. That extra day does a lot to help me catch up. Couldn’t we have three day weekends every weekend?!?

Honestly, I have to keep my eyes focused too…it often becomes easy for me when I feel overwhelmed to start looking around at other people, people who I think have it easier…I get in my “why didn’t God set it up for me to be a stay at home mom envy stage”, I start looking at other people at work and feeling testy about their schedule vs. mine. It’s not pretty…and it’s very distracting…the old comparison thing, never works out…and what do I know about their life really, nothing. God has called me…and I’ve accepted the call, I’m running the race and frankly the more I look around at the people behind me, ahead of me and even beside me the more I waste my energy and leave myself feeling like I can’t make it. I’ve got to run looking straight ahead, throwing off the sin that so easily entangles, I’ve got to catch the view that I can as I run…but I know I’m missing a lot too…sometimes just trying to take the next step and keep breathing is all I can do. And the reality is as a parent I’m always aware of the fact that I’m not running just for myself…as a teacher of over 500 students…I take it seriously…and I’m not running for just myself. I have to understand that when I go from summer to school it’s a rough adjustment, not just schedule wise but all of a sudden I’m running with the weight of 500 kids…no wonder I feel a little worn out:).

Is God big enough, strong enough, wise enough? Does He love me enough, does He know the details of my life, is He carrying me much more than I could possibly know? Is God taking care of my daughters, is he watching over us, is He providing for us at every turn? Even without me sitting and making a list I can guarantee the answer is a resounding yes. God does not change, no shadow of turning and God is Good. So…I’m going to log off…after I click publish, go back to my bed and rest. Each day has enough worry of it’s own and I need to just focus on today…today’s needs and trust that all will be well.

Love,

Ruth

It’s been a hot crazy day with a capital H and C! I went into work this morning planning on moving my room to a closet and cart…as my first class time approached it became apparent that no sub was showing up…hmm, interesting since upon further looking into the matter we discovered that a man had taken the sub “bid”…he just didn’t show up. So….I ended up teaching this morning instead of moving stuff. Come to find out…the sub went to my middle school first even though I had put directions in my job listing to go to Eunice first. when he realized that it involved Elementary he refused to go…very interesting…not a good way to keep getting work I would think. The crazy thing is that it would’ve been a piece of cake for him as I just had him showing a video to my elementary classes which my own children could’ve probably even run. Oh well…by the afternoon I was able to move a lot…in fact I’ve pretty much emptied my room out and filled up a closet, I’m not done yet…but got a very good start. Today also happened to be the day that we had five huge drums arrive (kind of ironic really:). I’m always thankful though to get  new supplies so that’s exciting. Picture a whole class room full of kids around a circle of drums (one drum for each kid) playing rhythms, solos, etc. it’s great fun…and kind of loud too!

Came home and actually got my car washed today…this is kind of gross…but we had killed a bug on the inside front windshield a long time ago…and the remains…well they were still there…it was definitely time:).

Then tonight we had open house at my elementary, so I went as a parent and as a teacher. That was interesting…nothing like a gym full of parents and kids who are noisy…was hard to even hear what was being said into the microphone…explains a lot of what I see everyday when I see kids with their parents. Not being critical…just telling the truth.

Today I went to Subway for lunch and was wearing my Alton teaching T-shirt…a police officer started making conversation with me asking me about what was going on at the middle school…and I realized I was out of the loop. I didn’t watch the news last night but it appears that we have somebody on our football coaching staff who has been arrested on drug charges…I haven’t read the info first hand so I won’t say all of my facts are in order…but definitely not good. A few weeks back our high school band teacher was arrested for sexual relationships with a student. And then this morning from what I hear…a 7 year old child was let off the bus in a bad part of town for an hour and a half before the parents were able to reunite. He had gotten on the wrong bus…let off in the wrong spot…every parent’s worst nightmare (or at least one of them). I haven’t read the article but heard it made front page news. Oops on about a thousand levels. Praise God, he’s fine from what I hear. Part of me at times wants to shake in my boots for my kids that they go to Alton Public Schools especially when stuff like this comes out. I know that’s why Christians retreat and pull their kids out. I was reminded today that each of our mission fields has it’s own dangers…I mean if I was in Africa it might be jungle animals or something…it just so happens that in my school…it tends to be the city kind of element that comes out, I love cities so I’m not knocking them. In fact if I get to pick a vacation next…I would like to go to New York City:). But I’m not into the violence, gangs, sex, drugs, etc. I was reminded that I’m counting on God….He’s going to have to put a hedge of protection around my kids…this is our life and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

Anyway…tomorrow I’m trying the sub thing again so that I can hopefully finish up on the moving process. I’m grateful that my principal o.k.’d that. And I’m trying to keep my joy about the whole thing…I have to admit I’ve had a few moments when joy would not be the way I would describe my feelings at the moment. Life isn’t fair by the way…did you know that:). Occasionally we need a reminder. I had a teacher today who I’m sure was trying to give me an encouraging word and she started to say real cheerfully…”we’ve had traveling teachers before and it’s no big deal…” as if what I’m doing is going to be a piece of cake. She was just trying to be upbeat and I understand and I’m not moaning about it…but I have to admit I was tempted to say…hey since you’re feeling like it’s no big deal…how about you teach on a cart and I’ll use your room…I have a feeling the story would be a little different. I restrained…:)

Hope your day was great! I am so glad that the weekend is almost here. I need to clean house and sleep in!!

Love,

Ruth

Amy is home so that’s good news:). And today I got a pedicure…couldn’t have come at a better time, although as I type that I realize I would consider that to be true on any day of the week:). Tomorrow is my day to pack my music room up and truthfully my back is hurting just thinking about it. I am grateful to have the day to do it and that they got a sub for me to cover my classes, it could be worse.

Tonight we were able to finally find a bean bag chair for Lydia, they must not be in style or something anymore as we had a hard time finding one…if Lydia brings one to school they have an area where they can sit in them to read so it was kind of the cool thing to do…good thing Kmart had one because I was ready to say…oh well.

Richard is in rehab…nothing showed up on his cat scan or MRI so they don’t think it was a stroke but aren’t quite sure what the issue was…as he had stroke like symptoms. So…we’ll see.

Ran into an old neighbor tonight at Kmart and she commented on how nice my yard looks when she goes by. I was again surprised at how you never know who is looking…which applies to a lot more than flowers in a yard…we really don’t know who all is paying attention to our life. I’m a people watcher I admit it and I’m sure people watch my life as well.

Anyway…it’s an early to bed for me tonight, I’m tired, this working all week thing is just taking it out of me:).

Hope your day was great!

Love,

Ruth

God has a sense of humor for sure…Today at school I had two of my kids from my old elementary…it seems they made the move to my new elementary at the same time I did…Kind of fascinating since they were two of my stinkers last year. It was one of those either you laugh or cry moments…I’m choosing to laugh and to say o.k. God obviously you still want them to be in my life…so here goes another year.

I also found out today that the music room I took three days to set up so nicely…walls covered, everything unpacked and organized…well it would appear that we are going to have to add another section of first grade at my elementary and hence I have to move out of my room this week and instead I’ll have a cart and go room to room to do music. I knew there was a possibility but hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I have wonderful orff instruments and musical supplies, more than I’ve ever had in any other teaching scenario…and now…it will be a challenge to put them to their full use. I can only cart so much around. I have absolutely no place in the entire school to store anything so…that presents another challenge. When my principal called tonight I could tell she was about to lose it she’s so frustrated with the whole thing. And again…it was one of those times when either you laugh or cry…so…I assured her it would work out and I would make the best of it. She was surprised by my positive attitude I could tell. And I knew instantly that God was giving me a moment where I could display in front of a whole school the difference that He makes in my life. Most would go into school tomorrow and complain and moan to every teacher that comes their way…I’m determined not to do that but to instead be grateful for my job and go in with an I’ll make the best of this attitude. That in itself should be shocking enough to have people take notice…It’s as if I realized right away that this little snag is the perfect thing to bring honor and glory to God and the change He has made in my life…so…I figure…bring it on. Thursday they’ve hired a sub for me and I’ll go in and spend the day taking down everything that I’ve put on the walls and packing everything back up and trying to figure out my game plan for the year. I’m praying for wisdom…

Today I had Lydia in class for the first time which was interesting…I could tell it was a little stressful for her…as she didn’t want any of the kids to misbehave for me…:) she even left the room at the end of the class telling me quietly who shouldn’t be allowed to sit by each other the next time they came…it was quite sweet really. I assured her that things were fine and under control and I’ll definitely take her knowledge of the kids in her room into consideration:).

Amy is supposed to come home from the hospital tomorrow…so we’ll see. Hopefully whatever that whole process was will help her to be able to eat more and get her feeling stronger. Time will tell. There always a lot of unknowns when dealing with cancer…thankfully God knows it all even if I don’t.

Hope your day was great!

Love,

Ruth

I don’t often ask for prayer or make my prayer requests publicly known. I’m not sure why exactly except I know you all have your load in life to carry as well. But tonight I’m asking that you would pray for my sister in law Amy and my brother Jim. Amy has had cancer for the past six years(at least I think that’s about the right amount of time), to see her for the most part you wouldn’t even know it, unless you really talk to her heart to heart because she’s a trooper and wants everything to be as normal for her kids as possible. Sounds like a mom’s heart…But this summer when I’ve spent time with her it’s obvious that she is not able to eat very much without feeling sick. As a result she’s lost quite a bit of weight. As Mark felt and as I would too…when you tend to be a bigger person sometimes the losing weight almost can seem nice or not that big of a deal…but the fatigue and other issues that are accompanying it all are not good. She’s been in the hospital in Ann Arbor now for about a week…will hopefully be able to come home on Wednesday. My mom has been trying to go over to her house while Jim works to keep the home fires burning with her three kids at home. She has two in high school and then a son who is Lydia’ s age (10). Right now they’re dealing with blockage and bowel issues and liquid on her colon…at least that’s what my mom is telling me. We obviously don’t know all the details. She had started chemo up again this summer in addition to the treatment she already does and had to stop. I guess what I’m saying is I’m not sure what all is going on in her body and I’m not sure if she even knows in full. But…when Amy was first diagnosed in the early stages after her first surgery she clearly sensed and expressed that God was going to heal her. He gave her a verse to cling to…I can’t remember it at the moment. But she has had the assurance all along that she would be healed…maybe not until every other option is exhausted but in the end she would be healed. While I haven’t received this same word from God…the truth is I didn’t need to hear it directly…I’m praying and believing in faith that if God said it to her He will keep His word to her. Amy is solid in her faith…I know this isn’t just a passing notion with her. So…I’m asking that you would pray for healing for her as well. I don’t normally pray that direct, to tell God the answer and desired outcome that directly…but when He gives someone a promise and assurance…then I think it becomes our job to hold that up in faith and pray to that end. I can tell you this…Mark and I had never had that assurance…we never sensed that word from the Lord that He would be healed here even though we were open and desired it to happen.

I also ask that you would pray for my mom and dad. They don’t talk about it much but…I know it’s hard, they’ve walked with my sister Becky through her husband dying in a car crash instantly years ago, they’ve walked with me through the death of Mark, and now have grand children who don’t have their father, and they’re walking through this with Jim and Amy, besides the fact that they’ve walked through loss with their parents…my mom took care of both of her parents right up til their death. Lately when I talk to my mom I hear the weariness in her voice, I wouldn’t call it despair, she’s not angry with God, not losing her faith…just heavy hearted.

Tonight we talked about the odds, how is it that these things have happened in our family…I mean what are the odds of having two spouses struggle with cancer in their 30’s. And then throw in a freak car accidental death, a cleft palate grand child etc. I know every family has it’s share of stuff to deal with…so I don’t think we have a corner on loss. But clearly, we’ve had more than our share it would seem. Tonight mom and I talked about the fact that even though this is so…we don’t see it as a punishment from God, don’t feel angry with God about it…in fact we actually believe that God may be allowing these things to happen because He knows through His strength we will stand strong and He will be honored and glorified. My family is a strong family, I don’t know how to express it exactly except to tell you that the river in my family runs deep…we are grounded…not perfect…but grounded. God is faithful…and it is an honor to live a life faithful to Him regardless of the results.

I would also ask you to pray for Richard and Idona, I just got word tonight that he is back in the hospital at Barnes with what they think is another stroke. I haven’t had a chance to check in with them…but I have to admit I sense all the time that he is just on the edge. I know he’s ready…I don’t question that…but I pray for him to finish well and I pray for Idona that she will be held in the arms of God.

And truthfully…I pray for our kids…Amy’s kids…Ben, Hannah, Bekah, my own two kids and all of my other nieces and nephews…I pray for protection of their faith…it would be so easy for Satan to want to trip them up with questioning God, feeling angry at God, feeling disappointed with God, etc. My children are incredibly strong and my nieces and nephews are as well…but they’re human too. I pray for Jim…I relate with his struggle…it’s incredibly tough to go to work day after day to try and stay even with the bills…to keep the insurance…to carry things at work, at home, with the kids etc. I pray for him to experience the kind of rest and peace that can only come through God.

I have no idea what the future holds…none of us do…my mom and dad are already talking about not going on their trip this fall as they normally do…they just can’t head out when they know they are needed at home. Tonight I’m reciting my familiar litany of promises from God…maybe it seems like just words that I chant from time to time…but there is great power in the promises of God and I believe in them and claim them regardless of what the situation looks like.

“I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you to give you a hope and a future”

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

“My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.”

“I will never leave you or forsake you…”

“My God shall do exceedingly abundantly more than you can ask or imagine.”

“In all things God is working them for our good…” (paraphrase of the Romans Vs.)

I could go on and on….

Tonight I openly ask for your prayers…I know you all have your share of the world to carry on your shoulders. But sometimes as we share our loads with each other the carrying becomes a little easier. Tonight I was just feeling heavy hearted…

It’s an early to bed for me and the girls…another day will soon be coming, the sun will rise again. The faithfulness of God is new every morning. He knows everything, every day, every thought, every hair on my head, every struggle, every joy, every dream, every hope, every sorrow, every moment of despair, and somehow the fact that He knows me in that kind of way brings me peace. I guess because He knows me and because I know He has layed down his very life for me…I can rest.

It is well with my soul,

Ruth

What Anita said in her comment is completely true. I was not trying to put a bad light on Free Methodism…I’ve been a Free Methodist for almost 39 years. It was just the way things were many years ago in the church overall…very legalistic. And Anita, I know what you mean about at times it seeming like the standard is too lax at this point. I have to say it’s an incredibly tough thing to hold the standard high…and yet not get caught up in the rules…but to hold it high enough that we have something to live up to. I would agree…I’m thankful I’m not the final judge on any of that.

Well…it’s Monday, tough to get going this morning…but still a good day. I’ll probably need to water the flowers again soon…there for awhile it was kind of nice we were getting enough rain I didn’t have to. We have no great plans for the evening which sounds divine! Needs to be an early to bed based on this morning’s getting ready experiences:).

I did set up a treat for myself halfway through this week which I’m looking forward to…a pedicure on Wednesday…that will seem like a nice luxury and will make it feel like the weekend isn’t far away.

Yesterday I was asked to speak for the ladies event at our church in March…about “Grace”. So I figure I’ve got a lot of time to ponder that one and hopefully give and receive it. Will be interested to see what God puts in my heart and mind to share.

Closing thoughts…

“Circumstances and emotions will demand that we doubt what God has clearly promised. But our confidence must remain in what God has said, not in what we see. To help us understand that, God will take us places to free us from fear and to convince us He can do what He said. We shouldn’t need a sign to confirm what God has already promised, just the faith to follow Him.” -Wayne Stiles

“We trust what we know. It’s difficult to trust God if we are not growing in knowing Him. If we know how deeply He loves us, trust becomes more natural, like a small child trusting a parent.” – David Gregory

My prayer for today is that I would come to know God more deeply. Sometimes I think I’m content to know the little I know of Him…as if that’s enough. But who knows what I’m going to face tomorrow…and how my faith is going to be challenged. I want to constantly be coming to a place where I know Him better and better…so that trust comes easily.

Have a great day,

Ruth

The song thing went great Anita:). It was at the end of the service, at the end of the weekend when I think we had talked about almost every memory that could come to mind…and it was a wonderful benediction to the whole thing…because as great as it is to remember, to have those “transfiguration moments on the mountain”, we have to come back down and live out God’s purposes for us today and for this next week…and that’s what that song talks about.

To introduce the song I talked about the fact that when I was a little girl I thought I would be a missionary…even up into teenager years and college I thought I would be. And I thought that would be in a foreign country. I guess that was my limited view of “missions” work at the time. I’ve since discovered that when Mark and I came to Alton, IL I came to my mission field and could very well spend the rest of my life here unless God calls me elsewhere. Missionaries come and show their slides, talk about the food, the culture, the life of the people where they go and we watch amazed…I told the people…that I was going to show my slides, the culture and life of my mission field…and I told them I had a feeling they would recognize the country…I could sense God’s presence…actually truthfully, I knew as soon as the song came to me that it was God…and the idea for the pictures…came to me immediately…it was God, I would’ve never thought that up on my own.

On the back of our sanctuary the words “You are now going into the mission field” are on a banner…and that’s exactly what it’s like leaving church. I love the times we had this weekend, I’m wiped out, mind you but it was awesome…however you and I both know those moments are not meant to last…we are to be about doing our Father’s business…which is out on the highways and byways  of life. For me…that means walking into a classroom in the morning, no matter how I feel about it. The familiar dread is wanting to set in…and I have to tell myself…this is a choice and I refuse to dread where God has placed me. I will choose to embrace it regardless of how I feel. I have to.

So all that to say…it all seemed good to me.

I also told the people tonight that coming to Alton, IL eight and a half years ago for Mark and I was supposed to be like coming to the promise land…or at least that’s what we had envisioned. In actuality as I look back over the past years…I realize God was putting us squarely in the middle of the wilderness (maybe it’s good we didn’t know). He was teaching us and now me…to recognize His presence so clearly that I could follow Him like a cloud by day and a fire by night. Teaching me to understand that when all else is stripped away He is enough, teaching me that He would provide my manna each day, that He would be my source of living water. Teaching me to trust Him all the time with everything and for always. The Alton church has helped me to see the cloud and fire by day and night. Thank God…we are not alone even in the wilderness. I credit my church and previously The Bridge for helping my walk in the wilderness be one in which I have drawn closer to God, rather than desiring to go back to Egypt. I’m not sure exactly what the promised land would look like at this point…or if there is one on this side of heaven. But I’ve found that I think I’m o.k. in the wilderness as long as I can see the cloud and fire and as long as I have water and manna and the people of God.

It was kind of funny this weekend, a lot of the memories that came out for the older set of people were the rules of Free Methodist people that they used to have to live by, no jewelry, no wedding rings, only dresses, long sleeved, etc. no movies, card games, etc. They would literally cart people in to church to hear about the gospel and then tell them they weren’t acceptable until they matched the rules of the church. I find it incredible that the church (and I don’t just mean Alton…) even had people that stayed. It really was offensive at times. I hope and I think we’ve come a long way. I think we have a much better grasp on the fact of loving and accepting people where they are and letting God make the changes in people that need to be made rather than us trying to dictate those changes. I hope and think we’ve come to a place where we realize the outside stuff is not that important. I find it kind of sad that those are the kind of memories that older people have. Ugh…I have some of those memories too…(I’ve tried to repress them…but I was raised Free Methodist after all:), but always, always, always more important to me is the fact of who God is…where we’ve experienced His presence, how has He led us, His purposes and desires for us, with hindsight I hope we can look back and see more than the oddities of our religious life, I hope we can clearly trace God’s provision, His plan, His ways. I hope we can trace our path through the wilderness. I hope we’ve learned something about ourselves and about who God is. I don’t mind laughing about some of the old rules or shaking my head at them. But Praise God we’ve come a long way from there. I can celebrate the fact that isn’t how it is today! The one thing I heard over and over this weekend was how when certain families joined Emmanuel it was like coming “home”…now that I can celebrate. Our church is a place where you will feel loved guaranteed. And I have to say coming from the legalistic background of the FM church in previous generations…to where we are today…where we can receive and give grace…is nothing short of a miracle.

Anyway…that’s just my thoughts on it all:).

Ruth