The Jackson Family Online

Just changed the clocks…so good to get an extra hour of sleep tonight:)! Tonight was Lauren’s first parade and I have to say I sure enjoyed walking with the band tonight down the two and a half mile stretch. It was great to see familiar faces, kids that I’ve had at school, etc. And it was awesome to have the drums playing in the background…I love their cadences they play while we walked. I told Lauren afterwards that she plays the coolest instrument in band. She wasn’t so sure after carting the drum on her shoulders for that far of a distance:). She only had one minor set back…dropped a drum stick while marching but she was able to make a fairly quick recovery. As I was walking I couldn’t help but think of what it must be like when we leave this world and go to heaven…the bible talks about a great cloud of witnesses cheering us on. I know how that felt tonight as people cheered the band on, it was an awesome thing…I was so proud of the band, of Lauren, of the school system I work for and with. How much more awesome will it be when I walk into heaven and see the cloud of witnesses there. Tonight I loved seeing and hearing parents call out to their kids as they walked by and even more so I loved how much it obviously met to the kid in the band. For two and a half miles each kid was scouting the crowd while playing looking for their number one supporters…their parents…and as cool as middle schoolers are I saw an awful lot of smiles and nonverbal body language going on that let their parents know that they noticed their cheers. I had time to think about it all as I walked…and between my motherly pride in Lauren, my teacher pride in my school…and my envisioning the parade into heaven someday I had to hold back tears of joy…I didn’t want to embarrass Lauren too bad:)…or cloud my vision so that I might trip and cause a scene:).
Earlier today the girls and I went and saw the Michael Jackson movie “This is it”. We have most of his music, we don’t listen to it all the time…but we’re doing some songs in choir this year and Mark did go to one of his concerts as a teenager. Mark was a big fan…said it was one of the best concerts ever. After seeing the movie I can totally tell why…Michael Jackson was an incredible genius musically and performance wise, I don’t think anybody could top his attention to detail, his dancing…his musical ability…wow. It was nice because it was like going to the concert without all of the screaming and as if we were in the front row. The girls weren’t big fans going in…but were on the way out. In fact afterwards when we ate I think we all felt kind of depressed and sad that Michael died what appears to be a senseless death. And frankly…we hope and pray that he was right with God. We talked quite a bit how some people can be a genius in one area and the rest of their life can be going to pot. That’s usually how it works with Elvis PResley, Michael Jackson types. Sad really. Anyway…the girls have enjoyed watching old Michael Jackson videos…and playing Mark’s old cd’s. It was a great movie if you have any interest in Michael Jackson and his music. I know that doesn’t fit everyone…and maybe it hits me more because Michael was big in the 80’s, white glove and all:)…those were my teenage years and those songs bring back a lot of memories. I don’t condone whatever nonsense he did in his personal life…but I do believe that God himself must have given him an awesome gift for music and creativity. It was quite inspiring.

Well…off to bed, tomorrow will hopefully be a nice day at home…after church, time to get ready for another week. This is a busy one coming up…fundraiser stuff arriving on Monday, first honor choir performance on Tuesday night…IMEA music practice all day with performance next Saturday…Lauren going to her second quiz next Friday and Saturday…lots of stuff going on. Lauren’s still got to get 25 more verses memorized by Friday…she’ll make it…or we’ll die trying

Hope your weekend is going great! I’m so grateful that the weather tonight was so great!
Love,
Ruth

Last night Lauren and I had a great evening together. It was spontaneous…Lydia at the last minute went trick or treating with some friends, so we had one on one time that wasn’t planned but was well needed. We enjoy walking around Alton Square Mall on Friday nights sometimes. Mainly because it isn’t a huge mall, it’s generally deserted for the most part and yet has a few stores that we like so it works. So…we walked, talked and looked and ended up eating at Olga’s. While we were eating somehow the conversation got steered into some deep waters (o.k. that’s not exactly unusual with me as I tend to steer things there…but still:), I asked Lauren where she would rate herself on a scale of 1-10. I know she battles with self esteem…frankly at this point in my life I realize that’s a universal middle school struggle that continues on way longer than it should…for some of us even into our 30’s (I recognize the struggle all to well). That conversation led into Lauren breaking down into tears at the table and all of a sudden we were in the deep waters of life, sitting in a booth at a restaurant. Issues of not feeling like you’re ever noticed, not feeling special, not being beautiful, not fitting in with any group of friends really. And I could see how Lauren was coming up with some of the feelings she was having…at our church, the youth group tends to be a pretty tight clique, they’ve always been kind to Lauren…but she’s the young one…and she feels like a dork around them. Imagine a 12 year old trying to keep up with 17 year olds…and of course it feels awkward and that doesn’t mean the 17 year olds are terrible people, it’s just the reality of that kind of gap. Lauren has a teacher at school this year for some reason that she has really attached to. And I swear to you based on whether this teacher acknowledges her presence or not Lauren has a good or bad day at school. I know we teachers make a difference but that’s more than any teacher can live up to. Anyway, we had a good talk about how when we place unreal expectations on others to fill our cup, to make us feel special, etc. it will never work. I had plenty of life experience to draw from for real life application…more than I wish I had. And I think Lauren was thinking that everybody else needed to change (another easy trap to fall into), but the reality is most of our struggles are about us taking an honest look at ourselves and then taking a honest look at who God is…and making the needed changes in ourselves or experiencing the changes that only God can bring. I guess I picture my life as a cup…I didn’t used to see myself as a handmade beautiful cup…I think I always saw myself as one of those assembly line mugs…the kind that are boring, one color, no originality, nothing special about, easily discarded. I think I had the camera lens of my life so focused in on every detail of my life that it just all looked out of focus and dull. I mean if I took a camera and a cup and zoomed in on the cup of course the image I would see wouldn’t give me any clue to the cup’s beauty. As time goes by and life happens, circumstances arise, I’m forced to take a step back from looking at myself…I actually notice there are other cups on the shelf of life with me…I actually start to get a more realistic view of myself. And I start to notice my life more as a big picture, a journey, something of beauty, something hand made and priceless. But that’s all about the exterior of the cup. We all know that cups are basically useless unless they can hold water. If a cup cracks we generally throw it away. I would venture to say that most of us at one time or another have had a few cracks put into our cup, hurtful words that have been
said, abuse, life circumstances that have beat us up, whatever it is, we live in a fallen world…(just picture a cup falling off of a table…) we’re cracked, chipped and in need of repair. That’s where so many of us struggle…we become Christians, we truly try to be filled with the living water, we want it…and yet we either don’t see the cracks in our lives…or we see them and don’t know what to do about them so the
living water we have just goes out of us all to quickly, we can’t seem to hold on to it and live out of it for any length of time. We all need to be healed…healed of hurts, abuse, we need to be restored, we need to be able to recognize who we are cracks and all…and come to the Healer of our souls and have Him fix the cracks in our lives. Maybe then we think we’ll never be able to be perfect, we’ll always look messed up…sometimes God fixs
the crack but the scars are still there…it’s not always about how things look is it? Sometimes the healing is so amazing that the scars and everything are gone…but I think more likely…we live with the scars so that when we see others with similar cracks we can encourage them and they can know that we are not perfect either. We often place some “special” cups on a shelf to look at or to be a decoration and while
that’s fine in a home, or in a collection, it makes something nice to look at. If we do the same thing with people then that’s a problem. No person on the face of the earth is so perfect, and priceless that they should be placed up for others to look at in a way that the rest of us feel inadequate. And frankly if my life is like a cup on a shelf being a decoration then what purpose am I fulfilling. This life is not about me. So…that brings me to the water…which is always the real issue anyway. Does my life hold the living water…am I receiving the living water directly from God or am I hoping that the other cups of water around me will give me some of their water. Naturally water will overflow on to others when a cup of water is filled to overflowing…but if that’s my only source then I’m in trouble. No one can fill my deepest needs except God. No one can give me enough encouragement and love except God. I can easily trace back on the first years of my marriage and probably even longer when I was expecting my husband to make me feel loved and cherished. Of course these are things that a husband is supposed to do…but no husband can fill that deepest need to be loved and cherished…only God can. If we expect too much out of others we will live an insecure life…a desperate life, one that is always empty and lacking purpose. Last night I was able to have a good conversation with my 12 year old…to hear her deepest sobs and hurts, and to try and bring healing to some of her cracks through the power of the Holy Spirit. So…I’ve started reading Psalm 139 to Lauren out loud as I tuck her in at night. We need to be reminded of our priceless beauty, the fact that we are fearfully and wonderfully made that God knows our thoughts, He knows everyday before we do, etc. because once we can step back and see our cup of a life for what it is, a priceless beauty, then and only then can we start living out our purpose, to be filled and used by God. I’m praying that Lauren comes to that place much sooner than I did.

Last night I had the strangest dream…I dreamed that Mark planned to my complete surprise a ceremony involving friends and family for us to renew our vows to one another. It was an incredibly beautiful thing…I felt loved and cherished…and honestly had he been alive today it’s something that I would’ve loved to do. Just because we make vows on the first day of our wedded lives to one another doesnt’ mean that we don’t need to be reminded of them many years later….when we actually have some comprehension of what we’re promising to one another. It was bittersweet…because I woke up, and I knew that dream would never happen so why did it even come to my mind. I have no idea. I’m finding that as time goes by (almost two and a half years now)…my girls are coming to the point where they’re doubtful that we will ever have someone (a man:), come into our lives again. Lydia is concerned about me being alone when she leaves someday so she often talks about how she’s going to have me live with her. And it’s not as if I talk about being alone a lot or let it slow me down or not live the life I was intended to live…but deep inside of us, do we ever enjoy seeing a loved one living alone…even if being single is o.k. with that person. No we tend to feel like it is not good for someone to be alone. I have to admit…on days where everything is off the wall at school and at home, being alone sounds good…peace and quiet…but long term, no I don’t want to grow old alone, I want to make memories with other people…if you go someplace without other people with you it’s o.k. for a couple of days but without other people with you the memories you make aren’t worth much. The greatest thing about memories is talking about them later and laughing about them…if you’re alone how does that happen. Sometimes I enjoy things alone simply to have some time to myself, to refresh, turn off the world for a few days, etc. I gain energy from solitude, I’m not afraid of it. But long term…it’s not something that’s attractive to me.
I love to put up those word decal things on my walls…I have one in my sunroom”We do not remember days we remember moments”. I have one in my kitchen “Family…a journey to forever”. I have two in my bathroom…”Learn from yesterday, live today, hope for tomorrow.” and “Love like you’ll never be hurt, Live like heaven is right here on earth”. Yesterday I put up one in my bedroom…I guess I needed to be reminded that a miracle could still occur when it comes to me sharing life with someone someday…and frankly it will take a miracle for it to happen…it says “Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle”. Not to sound ungrateful…I think just being able to wake up and see the sun is a miracle. The fact that I can breath and get up and take care of my needs is a miracle. I’m grateful. But when I put that up on the wall last night I knew in my heart…the specific miracle I’m hoping for someday is the miracle of sharing my life with someone who is my partner, a best friend, companion and more. So…today I once again give that to God. Only He knows…and that’s enough.
Today we’re at home for the most part…quiet day which is nice, this evening is Lauren’s parade so I’m looking forward to that:).
My sister in law Amy was in surgery most of the day yesterday in Pittsburgh, PA…and from what my mom has told me it sounds like the surgery went pretty well. They were able to remove some of the cancer…some is not a very definitive word is it…but any cancer removed is a good thing…the cancer that was left that they couldn’t remove they put chemo directly on it…and the blockage that she had been having a bad time with…not able to eat food…they were able to deal with that issue so that hopefully once she’s recovered she’ll be able to eat again. My mom used terminology like they “scraped her organs to get the cancer off”…just the idea of scraping the insides of a person sounds painful to me…so I’m sure she would appreciate your prayers as she recovers…she’ll be in the hospital for two weeks. I have a feeling when she came out of surgery and actually came back to consciousness and the pain medicine wore off…this is going to be a tough time…but I think overall the report sounded good. Her cancer seems to be slow enough growing that although she’s never declared “Cancer free” she’s able to have an occasional surgery to at least relieve the latest growth and help her to live a somewhat normal life. I would love to see her healed completely…even more so I know she would love to be healed completely…but in the mean time I’m grateful for the life she is able to have. Jim is our there with her now but will come home after the weekend. I know the whole family Jim, Amy, and Hannah, Bekah and Ben would appreciate your prayers. You can’t go through this kind of stuff without it being hard…and yet these kind of experiences make the cup of life we all have all the more precious really.

Hope you all have a wonderful Saturday, it’s actually sunny here an incredibly rare thing these days. Seems nice!
Love,
Ruth

Hi…another day has come and gone…another rainy day, I think this has got to be the rainiest fall I’ve ever been through. I’m ready to go out and buy some rain gear:). Lauren informed me today that rain boots are “in”, based on the weather I can see why:). Today Lydia and I stocked up on some puzzles as we had finished the two I had. We got a couple of 300 piece ones and then one 750 piece one so we’re having fun working on those.

About a week ago I was feeling like maybe my choir at school needed to see and hear some professional choirs and performing groups so I ordered a variety of dvd’s
(African gospel choir, a vocal play/acapella group called Naturally 7, and a Russian Boys choir, along with the Show Choir National Competition from last year). So…my girls and I have had fun previewing some of those dvd’s tonight and let me just say if Naturally Seven ever comes to St. Louis, we’ll be there. They are not only all acapella but they make all of their own instrument sounds with their voices…it was incredible, especially to hear the normal things you would hear at a concert like a drum solo, etc. Anyway…I’m excited to show these dvd’s to my choirs after we’re done with our CHristmas programs and to get them thinking about how we could take what we do to the next level.
Today I also went to Family Christian Bookstore and picked up a book by Beth Moore called “Breaking Free”. Lori and I are going to be in a small group together and are going to go through that book. I’m looking forward to growing, having accountability, etc. on a regular basis again. It’s been something I’ve wanted in my life again for a long time now. So I’m sure you’ll read a few thoughts from me on that book and what I’m learning on this blog once in awhile.

No huge plans for the weekend other than the parade on Saturday evening (I sure hope it doesn’t rain!!), seems nice to have a weekend at home coming our way. I am tempted to go see the Michael Jackson Movie that’s out…I have to admit it…I’m a child of the 80’s and he was big in those critical years that we tend to get stuck in:). I can still remember watching the awards show where he won so many awards with his white glove on. Mark went to a Michael Jackson concert once and raved about how good it was. That man knew now to do things over the top. My choirs are singing some of his music for our spring concert…I hope it resembles his music in some way…we’ll see. He’s not an easy guy to duplicate, especially with a choir, but I have a few kids who I think can do some of his stuff and his moves:).

Hope your weekend is great!
Love,
Ruth

Half way through another week yippee! Yesterday I had too much going on in real life and real time to blog…Last night the girls and I had a fairly large powwow…(mark would say that he’s the pow and I’m the wow if he was here:) As the mom I guess I just needed to again go over responsibilities and chores for my kids and overal issues of respect. That happens from time to time right?:). Red was pushing it again as she sometimes can. That girl really needs a good amount of sleep or we deal with some issues. After she took a two hour nap after dinner that seemed to help and later in the evening she and I actually worked on putting together a 550 piece puzzle and had a great time doing it. With every piece she tried to put in that didn’t work she would burst into song with “Praise the Lord…He’s the God of second chances.” I’m not sure that song is supposed to be about puzzle pieces but it was fitting anyway.
Yesterday I read Doug Newton’s editorial in LIght and Life magazine…I don’t always read the magazine cover to cover but I always read what he writes as he has thoughts that challenge me to think new thoughts. Recently his dad passed away and he was talking about that…and I thought this paragraph was good…”Nevertheless, the undeniable facts of my dad’s decline did not undercut my faith in our God who heals miraculously and frequently through prayer. More than ever, I believe that faith is supposed to shape facts. Not vice versa. God’s Word is sure and faith in God’s Word changes things here on earth.” I found the whole truth that faith shapes facts to be an interesting one to ponder. I have a feeling that is clearly not what the world would believe. I wish I could call him up…meet with him further to dialogue about what that means. I have some thoughts…but it’s still something sitting in the files in my mind needing to be pondered more.
Tonight…no big plans…Lauren’s drum lesson. Lydia and I are helping out by chaperoning her in the parade this weekend…so we will be walking with the band…let me tell you she was just thrilled about that:).
I think God is working out a possible small group arrangement for me…and I’m thankful for that…it’s good to do life with a few close friends…I need that.
Amy and Jim are traveling today to Pittsburgh today…her surgery is on Friday. I pray and hope for the best there. My mom is watching the kids at home. I’ll let you know as I have any further details …hopefully Friday evening. WOuld love to have good news to report.
Hope your day is great!
I fully plan on putting a few more pieces in my puzzle tonight…figuratively and literally:).
Love,
Ruth

THis is just a test…I’ve been having some changes happen to my blog…the place where I type entries doesn’t look quite the same and ever since that happened I have people tell me that they no longer receive my updates…so I decided to try out a different section to see if in this area it’s back to the normal…so if you normally would’ve received an update from me directly to your email…and you receive this one…let me know…maybe this is where I’m supposed to be typing…if not, if you had to go the regular website to get this update…then I’ll know it doesn’t make a difference…I just thought I would try.
Tonight the girls and I went to Target to make two backpacks for our church…we’re making backpacks of supplies for children who are in transition through DCFS. children who maybe are taken out of one home to be put into foster care, or whatever else the situation is. It was a blessing and a joy to walk through the store tonight and pick out things that we hoped these two girls would enjoy…we prayed over the bags and wrote them notes in the beginning of the notebook we included trying to express God’s love and our love and prayers. We filled them with shampoo, toothbrush, deoderant, nail polish, stuffed animal, blanket, cd, bibles, gum, etc. we wanted them to feel God’s arms around them in what is probably a tough time. They’re only backpacks and only filled with odds and ends…but who knows how God might use that. Our church is currently gathering 200 of these backpacks. And not only that…several people in our church have signed up to consider foster care parenting, or even adoption. Several have signed up to be able to sit with a child in an emergency situation, or take children to appointments, etc. I’m amazed, impressed, moved by how much I can see people being willing to step out of there comfort zones to be God’s hands and feet. It is so much more than just throwing money at it. People are actually willing to consider opening their homes for an unspecified amount of time. That’s a God thing for sure. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to help in some small way and that my girls will always remember the night we made backpacks for others. As a side benefit we ran into Lori Peuterbagh at Family Bookstore…where she was buying bibles for her backpacks as well:)…and we all made a run to Bread Co. where we were able to have a nice unhurried visit. She and I eat lunch together on Tuesdays, but it’s always kind of rushed as I have to get back to class. So it was nice. She was talking about Bible Study Fellowship and I have to say…my mind craves being in that kind of thing at some point. It’s not possible right now…as I have a day job. But at some point I would love to study the bible in that kind of disciplined way with other ladies.
I need to read the bible more…that’s just the truth of it…I read everything else like drinking water…but for whatever reason it’s not like that with the bible. I’ve almost been wondering if I should just make myself go on a fast of all other books and force the issue…and only read the bible for a week or two. I hate to make it sound like I have to be forced…but I guess it’s like that with all disciplines…I have to be forced to exercise…to eat right, etc. It’s just the truth.
Tonight as we were visiting at Bread co. the girls started getting rowdy…maybe it’s boring to sit and listen to adult conversation…I don’t know…But I think that’s one of the hardest things for me as a single parent. As wonderful as my girls are…and they are…I so rarely have any time to myself, any time to visit with a friend and just have the leisure to not have to parent at the same time. I know if Mark was here…he would have gladly been watching them while I went out with Lori, in fact he would’ve encouraged me to do so. I’ve never been very good at taking time for friendship as an adult…always too busy doing the essentials, work, home, kids. Not that I think I should be just going out all the time…but I never do. And frankly I miss it. I miss the accountability I used to have in a small group. I tried out one recently and it just wasn’t a fit for me. Not because of the group…they’re fine and I love them…but it just wasn’t going to be what I needed. I’ve struggled with that…and I know when I used to talk about my small group at the bridge people used to say…”how do you find that type of group” and I wondered why it seemed so complicated…I now understand. I just haven’t been able to get that part of my life together to make it work. And I miss it. I miss the adult time…I miss the honesty, the spurring one another on. Something I need to pray about and try to sense God’s leading on.
I’m one day closer to being home…that’s an encouragement to me.
My sister in law and brother head down to Pittsburgh on Wednesday to go for her surgery. The surgery is actually on the 30th. Continue to pray for Amy…this is a defining moment…or at least it seems like it.
Have a great Tuesday!
Ruth

They say that you can make numbers say whatever you want them to say…you can bend them to prove whatever point you want to prove. Sometimes I think scripture can be like that too. Obviously there is absolute truth and many absolutes in the scripture that I would say are not negotiable. But in the past couple of days I’ve been interacting with a friend…and this friend believes in God the way I do…we’re both going to heaven as far as I can tell…but we’ve definitely come to some very different conclusions about how to live that out. And maybe that’s alright…I can say a scripture to prove my point and vice versa… Have you ever had that experience? On a positive note…I believe that’s what the bible talks about when it says iron sharpens iron. When we dialogue, even if we don’t agree completely…we’re forced to look it up for ourself, to think it through, to read it and read the verses around it as well. Often I think I’m a little apathetic when it comes to that kind of thing. At the end of the day…your relationship with God and how it plays out in your life is really a personal thing…I can’t make judgements about you and you don’t know my heart either. That’s an amazing thing to me. Nothing cut and dry about our faith…it’s a living moving breathing organism that grows and stretches, and shrinks back and moves forward for each of us on a tailor made schedule.
I would enjoy hearing a series on all of the old cliches we throw around in religious circles…I would love to hear what they really mean when it all comes down…I would love to hear personal stories good and bad…applied to them. We are so quick to say things that are cliche. Here are some… I’ve proably said some of these…you may have too…
1. There is power in prayer.
2. Jesus is the answer…
3. Be Ready…
4. God is good
5. He doesn’t give us more than we can handle.
And there is probably a whole lot more than I’m thinking of at the moment. it’s not that I don’t agree with these things…I do for the most part…but what are we saying when we say them…what do we mean…what is some real life application. I’m not a pastor or a teacher at church so I probably won’t ever hear this series preached. But how often are these the words that non-Christians hear us saying and they have no idea what we’re talking about. How often do we say them to each other and they’re nothing more than words said…like “how are you?” something we say but don’t really have any real feeling attached to? Just something that’s going through my brain on this wet, grey fall day…the leaves are falling fast. Seems like we’ve had so much rain this fall! Hope your having a great day!
Love,
Ruth

Happy Sunday!
It’s been a busy day…the girls and I sang a special song this morning at church “I am a Friend of God” and they did a good job. I wasn’t sure how it would go, I knew they could do it but didn’t know if nerves might get the best of them but they did great! I came home and mowed my yard for hopefully the last time this year. Took down the hoses from outside…refilled birdfeeders…basically said goodbye to taking care of the yard foranother season.
Tonight we have trunk or treat at our church. The kids are dressing up…and we’re handing out candy from the back of our cars. I’m decorating with fall leaves…so it was perfect, our neighbor across the street from us was raking leaves so I was able to go over and get two big garbage bags full for decorations for tonight…helped them and me.

It’s been a good weekend…hard to believe that this is the last week of October coming up.
Otherwise…nothing big going on in my life…which is fine. We are enjoying having the island in the sunroom…seems nice to be able to eat with a view. I would’ve put it there sooner but I wasn’t sure how to get it through the doorway. But I figured it out:). I’m using our smaller table and stool set for a puzzle area…I enjoy doing puzzles in the winter time.
Hope your weekend was great!
Ruth

I’m having a very nice day at home…Lauren ended up not going to the youth group activities. It would’ve meant getting up early…driving here and there…and since the girls have friends over she just decided to stay home and play with them. Which is so much nicer for me:). It’s a p.j. day for sure:). I’ve moved my island from my living room to the sunroom and other various crazy things. I even made banana bread this morning. Going to cook up some chili and sloppy joes later. Thankfully it’s sunny which seems nice.
Ok I’m wondering what your perspective on this might be…We’re told in the bible to be “ready”. I have a friend who emails me updates on articles that he reads…which testify to the fact that we might be approaching the end times. So…if we are approaching the end times and even if we aren’t what does being ready mean to you…I’m finding that for my friend this seems to be keeping up with the lastest info, living in a place where he can grow his own food, have a pond for water, etc. For me…being ready involves my relationship with God…drawing closer to Him, worshiping Him, reading the bible, trying to memorize parts, etc. I’m not making any external preparations at all…that just seems like it’s beyond me. I tend to think of being ready as an internal thing. Maybe that’s a basic male/female difference, I’m not sure. What thoughts do you all have?
Back to cleaning…what a beautiful day, it’s good to be alive:)
Ruth

We just came home from a choir concert at the local community college…very good…and added to my perspective from earlier…this time I was in the audience…not conducting, not singing, just watching…and I thought hmmm…the analogy continues. As I sat there listening to beautiful music and watched all of the choir members doing exactly what they were supposed to be doing, eyes on the conductor following her every cue…I wanted to join in…I could feel the music…in fact I left tonight thinking I might very well join the choir and be a participant, it would stretch me and help me to continue to grow musically. Doesn’t the exact same thing happen if we’re living an authentic winsome Christian life before people we work with, live with, etc. they see God in us…they see the music He is making in our lives…and they want to be a part of it. And ironically tonight…some of the music was not cheerful, happy stuff…one of the songs was based on the holocaust…but in it’s own way it was beautiful. Every thing in our lives is part of God’s song…if we’re surrendered to Him…following His cues. He makes everything beautiful. I hope my life song is drawing in others who are around me. Just a thought…now I need to get back to cleaning my house…I decided to rearrange…so it’s in a bit of chaos at the moment:).
Ruth

O.k. another weekend is rolling around…tonight Lydia wants to have her twin friends come over and spend the night…admittedly the last thing I want to do but I’m sure I will as I would rather have the kids hang out at my house than go away. Tomorrow Lauren is trying her hand at Paintball with the youth group, hope it goes well…I’m a little iffy on it for Lauren but I guess you have to try it once:). Then she has a bonfire tomorrow night with the youth group…so lots of activity. Somewhere today we have to get together our special song for this Sunday…we’ve known about it forever now…but have excelled at putting it off until just about the last possible moment. I play the piano for am and pm services at church on Sunday so that will be a busy day with quizzing thrown in. Lauren is trying to work on memorizing 60 verses by the first weekend in November. If she does than she gets to go with the Quiz team and play laser tag or see a movie or something with Pastor Mark and miss a day of school…I hope she makes it or she’ll be disappointed in herself…hence I will be disappointed in myself…I mean us supermoms are always supposed to get our kids across the finish line right:)?!? Anyway…all of that to say it’s going to be a busy but good weekend. And I can’t believe that Halloween is almost here…it’s not a holiday that I make that big of a deal about but it does mark a significant change in season to me…Won’t be long now until the christmas decorations come out and the music starts playing:). This past two days at work has been perfect for me to get a lot done…have all of my music picked for spring, ready to be ordered so that’s exciting. Here are some of the great songs we’re going to do:)…
Great Balls of Fire
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
Sitting on The Dock of the Bay
Fields of Gold
The Climb
Man in the Mirror
and many more…I get excited just seeing the new music…nothing like brand new music in my hands:).
Tonight we’re going to go to a choir concert at Lewis and Clark Community College to see a friend from church perform, I enjoy watching other choirs and conductors…I have so much to learn. In the past day or two I’ve also gotten some DVD’s ordered for my choir kids to see excellent choirs perform. I describe what I want them to look like but I got the idea that maybe they’ve never seen a really good group perform…hope it will get them motivated. Sometimes I think my standards and hopes for these middle schoolers is kind of lofty…I want them to get what they’re singing about, to feel it…to express it, to have the right notes, right rhythms, right diction, right dynamics, etc. occasionally I step back and look at what I’m working with and realize these ideals might be a little high…I’m tempted to lower them…but then I decide…no way…we’re going out with a bang…or at least trying to with every concert that we perform.
Yesterday in my silent and still moments I realized that God was showing me that my daily experiences as a choral conductor and teacher are much the same as His experiences with us as a church. I give them music to look at, so that they can get the parts, memorize the words, learn for themselves…but so many times the kids don’t even look at the music, just expect to learn it by rote…it’s good enough for them…made me think of the bible. I have kids who everyday come through the door excited which is great but they want me to tell them what we’re doing today as if I’m going to stand at the door and tell every person who comes through the door individually what the plan is for the day…and the same kids do it daily even though I go through the same mantra everyday about waiting. How often do we struggle waiting on God…we want to know the next thing we’re going to do now. How often do I look out in the choir and see blank stares…people not singing, people doing hair, not giving their best…lack of focus…I have to wonder how many days I live my life that way with God…I’m here but am I really living in the present to the best of my ability. God is playing beautiful music for me to live my life to…the birds sing, the sun rises, the leaves turn color…and I should be singing with a joy that comes from the inside, where my eyes are lit up and my face glows…how often instead do I say the right words at the right moments but lack the feeling, the emotion of life. I go over parts day in and day out, trying to get the kids to be independent singers…and yet some of them, too many of them daily need to hear their part again. Makes me think of how Paul talks about Christians relying on milk and not moving forward to solid food in their faith. At some point we shouldn’t have to be spoon fed every bit of truth and spirituality. I mean hearing a seminar, a sermon, etc. is great…but if that is all it is…I’ve got to have everyone else tell me who God is…then something’s wrong. I should be growing more and more independent in my faith all the time, able to live my walk solidly…not perfectly…but solidly, knowing if I make a mistake how to fix it. There are times in my choir room when the noise is out of control…people talking, thinking that whatever they have to say is so important…I start the music and the talking continues…so I say the words “Music Begins with Silence”…How often do we talk and talk and talk and talk…and not listen to the music…not listen to God. I have to tell you there are times as a teacher when I just sit back and stop…I refuse to yell…and I just wait. If I could I would step out of the room…Makes me wonder how many times God feels like doing the same thing…we want His presence don’t we…and yet we go on and on with our trivial things and words.
I don’t know…maybe this doesn’t all make sense to you unless your a choral director. But for me in my silence and stillness yesterday I got it…I knew God was letting me know that He is in all things…every part of my life is about Him, teaches me about who he is and who I am, I can see Him everywhere if I look. When the girls and I were in Chicago last Sunday it felt strange to not be in church. We had a beautiful walk by Lake Michigan and I said to the girls…let’s go on a God Hunt…they looked at me strange, I see that look a lot but I didn’t let it bother me:)…so we stopped every once inawhile and just said…where do you sense God’s presence right now, look around you. On one of those stops a beautiful thing happened, it was small…but still, we had been walking arm and arm, enjoying being together, enjoying the fresh crisp cool air, the beautiful parks and lake…I had been reminiscing about when their dad and I were in Chicago, I feel a need and desire to bring him into our memories and lives whenever I can. The girls struggle to know who there dad really was even this soon after his passing…I said…”where do you sense God’s presence right now…and I was thinking in my own mind…in the arms of my daughters around me and the memories of Mark…and I looked up and out of the blue, I had no idea it was coming up the street sign said “Jackson Street”…it was as if we all noticed it at the same time and we sensed God’s presence on Jackson St. in Chicago…we sensed that our family is a place where God was and is and always will be.
Today I had Lauren’s parent teacher conference…yesterday Lydia’s, they are both doing great…but one of the things that Lauren’s teachers and I talked about was her autobiography that she wrote…one of her teachers was close to tears when he talked to me about it…I’m so thankful that he took the time to express his sorrow to Lauren for her loss. I was able to tell him today how much that meant to lauren.
Anyway…God is present…He’s in the room…the music is playing…do you feel anything…not every song is supposed to be fast and loud and happy…some songs are supposed to be reflective, even sad. We should be feeling the whole gamut of emotion in the songs God plays for us. Do we have our eyes on the conductor…the author and finisher of our faith. Do we come in at the wrong times, not cut off when we should? Do we know when to get louder, and when to get quieter…He gives us all of the cues if we just watch and listen. Our job is simply to walk into life each day…go to our spot…and be ready for the music to start…our job is to focus, to give 100% to not be distracted by the sin that so easily entangles. Our job is to do the right thing even if everybody else isn’t. Our job, our priviledge is to make music with the creator of the universe. I’ve found that if you have a good conductor/teacher they can make excellent music no matter who is in the choir. I believe the same thing to be true with God…He is not nearly so concerned with our ability or lack of ability…He’s concerned with us learning to wait on Him, to listen to Him, to keep our eyes on Him, to learn from Him, to feel with Him, to sing this song that He has given us called life. And when we do that well i guarantee there will be moments when their will be great joy and moments when a holy hush falls over us, moments when we cry, moments when we feel things we didn’t even know we’re inside of us, moments when we feel like we’re apart of something much bigger than ourselves, because we are. I’ve felt all of these things in teaching choir…how much more can and should we feel these things in God’s choir. Maybe it’s applicable in your line of work…maybe you can draw truths about God and who he is and who you are from where you work, I have a feeling that it’s a universal kind of deal…But for me…it was like a door that hadn’t been opened in my life suddenly opened. That’s how Truth is…it sets us free.
Hope you have a great weekend…The leaves are beautiful and all too fast falling off…
Love, Ruth