The Jackson Family Online

Merry CHristmas…we just got done eating our big meal so we all have that overfilled feeling going on right about now. Today we’re spending the day with Mark’s parents, grandma and brother and family. I took another nap today, that seems to be a reoccuring theme for me each day on this vacation…feel like I’m recovering from a month and season of incredible business. That’s the nice thing about being with family…it’s o.k. to fall asleep on them:).
We have almost no snow at this point…it’s been a rainy Christmas instead but that’s alright. Tomorrow morning Martha and I are going to brave the crowds and go to the mall…I have nothing I’m looking for…just good to get out a little. Tomorrow we’ll actually open up our gifts on the Jackson side since we’ll all be able to be together. Then on Sunday we have our Dennings Christmas. All to soon it will be time to say goodbye again and it’s strange to realize that it will be another six months before we see each other. Then again the way time flies I’m sure that will go by quickly.
Hope you’re having a great day with loved ones.
Love,
Ruth

It’s Christmas Eve…this morning my kids and I had a chance to meet some family that we had never met before…it’s always nice to develop new connections…and to realize again how far reaching family is. Gave me a small glimpse of what heaven might be like. I enjoyed a good nap time this afternoon…also a slice of heaven:).
We’re spending the evening with Melissa’s kids (Mark’s sister), they live out in Nebraska now so we don’t ever get a chance to see them…and the situation has become a stressful situation in the Jackson family…but for these few moments together we’re grateful. If you and your family can all be together this holiday season then don’t put off the family pictures you think of each year doing but don’t. Things can change so fast…and I know Mark’s mom often talked about taking family pictures and for whatever reason we didn’t…you can’t go out and buy those moments…once they’re gone they’re gone…so just a word of advice…pull out the camera this year if everybody is together and snap a few. You just never know.
Tomorrow is a quiet day with Mark’s brother and family. I say quiet but then again…Wayne is hillarious and I’m sure we’ll do a lot of laughing. The girls love to play and tease their uncle Wayne. He is a wonderful brother in law. Not much snow yet…but hopefully some before we head home next weekend, I know the girls would love to play in it.
Have a wonderful Christmas!
Ruth

We made it safely to the Great White North…otherwise known as Michigan:). We arrived today about noon, thankfully no bad weather and we moved right along. Seems good to be with family again…Martha (Mark’s mom) already made her good fried chicken for Lydia’s birthday:). I’m looking forward to some nice relaxing time…time to sit and visit, play games, eat, sleep, read a book, watch tv, etc. It was good for me to again make this trip last night and this morning…always brings back memories along the way, places we’ve lived, college memories, places we pastored, etc. and I’m a person who enjoys remembering…felt good to be on the open road…music playing and my mind free to wander wherever it might want to go…I found myself thinking of new ideas for my choir when we come back which is always a good thing…now I need to write some of them down so I don’t forget. But even more so I found myself sensing God’s presence…I’m in awe that God is “with” me…that He is Emmanuel…and that makes all the difference. These days I have to tell you…it’s hard for me to picture myself ever being anything but single…maybe that’s a gift from God…truthfully it’s a wearying feeling when you’re craving something that just isn’t happening. I realized on the way up to michigan that I’ve come to a place where I’m not really expecting anyone to just come hopping into my life…and I think I’m o.k. with it. It’s easy for me to picture myself doing the same job I do now for many years to come…easy to picture me living in the same house for many more years…it all seems like my place to be. Now I understand that all could change at any moment…and I’m human…to have a man care for me…and want to be a part of my life would be awesome if it was the right person at the right time…but if not…I realized on the drive up…I think I’ll be o.k.

Sometimes when I come to Michigan I have the feeling that people who see me and my girls might wonder how we’re doing…maybe that sounds egotistical…it’s not I understand the world keeps moving on for everybody…but I guess I’m basing that on the way that I think…for some that might seem like a bad thing…something they would want to avoid…for me…I’m always grateful to see family and friends and to be able to honestly without drumming up anything false be able to say and show that God is good…I think for some they might have thought at first that we were in shock…true probably…but with the passing of time…nothing has changed…God is faithful…he is the same yesterday, today and forever…and I love Him. If I have opportunity to be on display for Him to receive honor and glory than I’m thankful. And I believe my kids would respond in the same way. Today I had the verse run through my mind “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” For me when I come home…I guess I want to be able to say to others…”Look and see…my life is on display…my most painful and difficult loss is public…but it doesn’t matter what circumstance you face…you can still see the goodness of God”.

Tomorrow we are going to have a big family breakfast which will be nice to see some extended “Jewell” family. then tomorrow night we’re celebrating Christmas Eve with Sadie and Lance (Mark’s sister’s kids)…we rarely see them so I know the kids will have a great time playing together. We will be with the Jackson family through Sunday and then we shift over to my mom’s house.

I hope you are having wonderful days with your family and friends…
Love,
Ruth

Today is my youngest daughter’s birthday…Lydia is now 11 years old which means that I’ve had Lydia in my hands now for 11 years, hard to believe. She’s my girl who has always declared that she plans on taking care of me when I’m old…she wants me to live with her. She has told me that before she marries anybody she wants to know what I think about him and get my approval…:), she’s my red head…which was completely unexpected from day one and the thing that she has heard about probably every day since…when you have hair that color it just stands out. She is a bubbly, fiery, fun, girl who deeply cares about others. When I watched the 7/8th grade program video I had to laugh…although she was supposed to videotape the whole group she couldn’t help but keep going back to Lauren…she loves her big sister and looks up to her more than Lauren realizes. I’m so thankful I can honestly say my kids are best friends…and while I’m going on about Lydia today I love them both with all my heart…but they’re different so that love comes out differently…you know how that is if you are a parent. Lydia loves music…always has, I’m not sure how that will play out in her life…but her love for music is greater than both Mark and I’s love put together which is saying a lot. If she was on a deserted island as long as she had her ipod touch she could be ok:). She also still rocks…she always has rocked and most days when I come home from school or when she has time to relax I find her sitting in her dad’s last chair rocking and listening to music. Lydia can be sentimental…and sometimes stubborn…she’s got a lot of fire in her. And some day I can already see that some boy/man is going to fall head over heels in love with her…she just has that kind of personality:). She looks forward to being a mom someday and already talks often about adopting…I’m curious to see what God does in her life in that area…and therefore my life as I grandparent her children someday:). Lydia plays the violen beautifully…could be better with more practice…but that’s alright…she’s got a natural gift. Last night in the Christmas program…she stepped up to the microphone and even with all the nerves I knew she was feeling she belted out O Come All Ye Faithful and was wonderful! I was so proud of her! Lydia loves to work in the nursery at church which I think is great since truthfully I’m not drawn to that area very much…but she has a natural love for little children and they seem to enjoy her too.
Right now Lydia is sleeping….I just woke up Lauren and am trying to get her around so that we can wake up Lydia with the birthday song and some love. We got a cinnamon coffee cake from Bread Co. for breakfast so I’ll put some candles in it (11) and then I got her a purple new outfit to wear today if she chooses. She already had her main gift back in October…an American Girl…but I wanted her to be able to wear something special today. Tonight we go to see “White Christmas” at the Fox in St. Louis…going to a musical seemed fitting on her birthday.
I am so grateful for how I can see God’s faithfulness to us over the past 11 years…11 years ago we had just moved to Durand, MI…and by just I mean literally we moved on Saturday, Dec. 19th…and Monday went to the hospital and had Lydia. We didn’t know if we were going to have a boy or a girl…I kind of thought maybe a boy since she seemed different than Lauren…but actually it ended up being a girl just with a very different personality than Lauren:). Amazing how even in the womb that’s obvious. I can still remember Mark getting a soda when I went into delivery and my birth experience was so intense with me asking him to actually get mean so that I could get some pain medication that he never even opened the can. (If you know Mark…you know I was usually trying to get him to calm down when it came to those kind of things…but this was one situation where I wanted him to let it loose, come to find out…it was so fast and furious the pain medication would’ve done no good so I went without…Praise God that’s not on my docket of things to do for today:). I can remember Mark calling his parents to tell them what we had a boy or a girl…the name etc. and he kept them waiting as long as possible, told them every other detail about her without telling them she was a girl…he had fun doing that. And Mark spent the night with me in the hospital…with Lauren he went home and I had a terrible first night…so he stayed with me for that first night with Lydia…which was so much better.
Anyway…today is Lydia’s day…today God gave me one of the best gifts I have been given aside from Mark and Lauren:). If you want to wish Lydia a happy birthday on this blog feel free to leave a comment and I’ll show her the comments later…I know it would mean a lot to her…remember when you turned 11…you wanted everybody to know it was your special day. In this world we have so few times when we really feel special…it’s not what God intended for us but it’s true…we’re forced or manipulated into thinking that we should be like everybody else or we’re dumb…so I try to encourage my kids they are special everyday and should revel in that…but especially on their birthday.
Her birthday started out the best way possible last night when Mike and Debbie Batton invited us over after Sunday night church, I had no idea that they were going to give the girls a Christmas gift (little brown slipper boots that the girls will cherish) and they gave Lydia a game called Apples to Apples…and they even took the time to play the game right then with us…we laughed so hard and had a wonderful time. And we left their house with the glow of feeling God’s love…God is so good and I hope you notice that He loves you through other people all the time if you put yourself out there to be loved. So…big thanks to Mike and Debbie…and the awesome thing is I know they would direct that straight to God…and that’s the whole point…they were just being the vessel that God used. But that’s a choice and I’m grateful that they choose to do that…to care about others, especially children.
ANyway…,have a great monday…I need to get ready for school…I want to moan about it…I know others will be moaning about it…but I’m trying to choose to deal with it instead and to actually rejoice. I have so much that needs to get done before we take off tomorrow…laundry, packing…but I’m trying to remind myself it will all get done…no need to stress, just not worth it. And if it doesn’t all get done what’s the worst thing that can happen…not much:).
Have a wonderful day!
RUth

I already blogged today…and I definitely should be doing laundry and washing dishes…watching programs and doing grades…but I have to write real quick before I lose the thought…I already do that at age 39 can’t imagine what I’ll be like when I’m 70! ANyway…this past week at school I was showing my elementary kids the movie “The Polar Express” which of course is about a boy struggling to believe in Santa Claus…in the end Santa gives him a bell that you can only hear if you truly believe…(if you haven’t seen it and I just ruined it for you I apologize:). This morning…I was listening to Ben Myette at our church sing his special song which was about hearing the bellls on Christmas Day. He did an amazing job as he always does…but during the song…literally I realized that I could “hear” the bells…and I was instantly drawn to the fact that for many people Jesus is like Santa…they think He’s imaginary…figment of our imagination…but for us Christians we should be able to hear the bells…we should stand out differently in this time of year… and we should be helping others to hear the bells with us…just a bizarre parallel in my mind today.
The other thing that stood out to me today was something I really needed after the morning I had with the girls…getting ready in the morning and getting out to the car on time can be quite an experience…I have no room to complain…I know I only have two kids and they’re old enough to take care of their basic needs…and we even have two bathrooms but still it can be a trial and stress for me. Especially when Lauren decides that the coldest Sunday of the year, and there is actually snow on the ground that is the day she’s going to wear her high heels barefoot…I just looked at her and thought and probably said out loud…”you have to be kidding me right…” We made it to church and I had no idea what she had on under her coat…in the church bathroom I found out she had on a summer sleeveless shirt…which would’ve been cute with a shirt underneath of it…or if it was the month of July…On the way to church I had already been going through my mental list of things that would be different if Mark was here…I tend to rehearse that list when I’m feeling stressed as a parent…kind of like a release to my stress…or at least it feels like I have a good excuse to be stressed. I mean if he was here…he would’ve probably just left Lauren behind for being so late…He was into the whole reality discipline thing and could be fairly radical…and I could list a bunch of other things that he would’ve done and was supposed to be doing as they approached teen years so every once inawhile I find myself going through the list. My kids are fast becoming teenagers and I get glimpses from time to time of what that is going to mean…just when you think you might have something under control in parenting…everything changes and you’re back at ground zero…so, long story to say…when I got to Sunday School class and we were talking about Moses and how he was a prince for 40 years…a shepherd for 40 and then led the people out of Israel…all of which was definitely a God sized assignment and then Mandy asked us about the God sized assignments in our own lives…I immediately thought of the usual stuff…moving away from family…not making much money to follow the career paths that Mark and I felt that we should…going to foreign lands, etc. But when Mandy mentioned the basic that all of us are parents are doing God sized assignments…something clicked in me…I’m highly responsible and my work ethic is strong…in parenting I think I tend to think if their is a problem than I should just work a little harder, push a little more, get firm, etc. But I was reminded today that parenting my two girls is really no different in God’s perspective than MOses leading the people out of Egypt…I want my kids to be free to follow after God…to live life in a way, that they are not slaves to anything but God…and yet many, many days are about grumbling, complaining, walking around in circles, etc. Many days are about me wanting to take the marbles I talked about yesterday, the precious time with my kids and throw them all out so that I can have some peace and quiet. I was reminded of Moses coming to the place where he sinned against God and was not able to go into the promised land because of the fact that He got angry with the people and hit the rock for them to have water. And I realized…to my grief…that I have many days when I may not hold a stick in my hand…I may not hit a rock…but with my words I do…many days where in anger I say and do things that are not what God wants. For Moses that held a pretty severe consequence. I’m thankful for grace…for the New Covenant and being covered by the Blood of Jesus…but I’m reminded that even if I never move away from where I live…even if I never go to foreign countries or do whatever else we think is an assignment from God…just the fact of me raising my two girls is more than I can handle alone. And you know the great thing is…when I realize that it’s supposed to be a God assignment…something that can’t be done without God’s help…I’m relieved…because I know I can’t do it on my own and I get tired of feeling like a failure. When I know it’s a God assignment then I can do what the task is at hand without feeling overwhelmed by what is unfinished or imperfect knowing that God will cover my weaknesses. Maybe this makes no sense to you or stands out to you as a new concept but for me…realizing that God has called me to live a Moses life…to help people see who He is…not that I throw down my staff and a snake appears but you know what I mean…The fact that I’ve said o.k. God you have control…I will go/do/be whatever it is that you need me to be…allows me to rest in Him. The ride home today was much more peaceful than the ride to church. Things were back in perspective…I’m not expected to have this all under control and be able to meet their every need…I’m just expected to be in tune with God…so that I can pass to them what they need…I’m just the vessel…the messenger…whenever I get that out of whack in my life…I hope I will have the mental picture of me standing at a rock hitting it and be reminded that my anger is not justified.
Ok. now back to work…
Ruth

Happy Sunday…bright and early. I play the piano today so that means an early morning for us. Yesterday’s plans didn’t go quite like I thought…we ended up having an early to bed instead of Lauren going to youth group party and Lydia having friends over but truthfully that’s probably what we all needed. We enjoyed seeing the Princess and the Frog at the movies yesterday and did a little shopping…it’s nice to shop when you have the leisure to do it…and no great pressure to find the perfect gift…in the process Lydia picked up the first couple of Nancy Drew Books…it’s funny to think that I read the very same books when I was a kid her age many years ago. I picked up a pair of black boots…I kind of like the fashion trend of wearing boots these days…they’re both warm, comfortable and stylin’…that’s a mix I can enjoy:).

Hope your last week before Christmas is a great one…I know many of you are probably busy shopping…wrapping…going to parties…baking…eating (feeling guilty about it afterwards…), spending time with family. The girls and I wish you all a beautiful CHristmas…filled with everything good. As I look back over the year I’m grateful once more for the way I can trace God’s goodness through every page…every day of our lives. He is faithful. And more than anything this Christmas I’m grateful that He chose to be Emmanuel…God with us…I hope that as the girls and I live out our lives in the good, bad, the beautiful and ugly of this life we somehow reflect that fact that God is in our house…God is in our car…God is in our plans…God is literally in us, moving and breathing, counseling and guiding every step. Somedays are better than others…somedays the reflection is more clear to see than others…but that’s my hope.

If you read this blog on any kind of regular level you already know the kinds of activities and travels we’ve had this year so I won’t review those again…but I will mention that this is our third CHristmas without Mark. Which seems unbelievable to me…these three years have flown by. Lauren will becoming a teenager this year…she was 9 years old when Mark died. Lydia turns 11 tomorrow…she was 8 when he died. They are growing up…

Anyway…may you and yours have a blessed holiday season…I hope that means some time off for you. I probably won’t blog much in the next couple of weeks…going to focus on the people I’m really with…being present in my present:). Before you know it, another holiday will be come and gone…make it a good one…full of relationships and love.

Love,
Ruth

I just read an interesting story out of a motivational book that my middle school principals gave to us this year for Christmas…”Charging the Human Battery” by Mac Anderson. In the story a man figures up how many Saturday’s the average person has in their lifetime…he bases it on the fact that most people on average live until they’re 75 years old. He then went out and purchased marbles representing every Saturday morning he had left based on that prediction of life expectancy…and every Saturday he would throw a marble away…kind of to give himself a visual on how fast time goes by…and how much time was probably left…he lived beyond the marbles…and that was just an added bonus…like a gift of time…but the concept forced him to think through what matters most. I read the story after the band teacher at the middle school recommended it to me…he read it to his band class and talked about how he had started most of them in 5th grade and how as 8th graders they had a limited time of marbles left before they would move on. And it’s so true…I think of the same thing almost daily if not weekly with my own choir kids and especially with my own two daughters…I’m ever aware of the time going by so fast. Which makes the petty stuff all the more annoying…it’s life…it’s natural…but so unimportant. I’m actually thinking about going out and buying some marbles today:)…Weekends are so precious…and I have a feeling that if I counted up the amount of weekends I have left with Lauren before she graduates from high school I would be surprised at how few it really is…I need to be reminded of that when I’m annoyed with having to tell her to pick up her dirty clothes for the umpteenth time…or to give me some peace and quiet.

My sister Becky and her husband and daughter came last night and we had a nice dinner out to Applebees…had the double bonus of being served by the voice teacher at Alton High School who I know so that was fun. They’re headed out this morning to finish their trek to Michigan. And the girls and I are headed to church for Christmas program practice. THankfully, with them coming last night it forced the girls and I to do a clean through the house right after getting home from school…so now hopefully we can just enjoy this day without a lot of housework. Lydia wants to make some cookies and frost and decorate them which sounds like fun to me.

Now that I only have two days left of school it almost feels like I’m on break already…Monday and Tuesday will fly by. I do have a program on Tuesday morning…so that will be nice to get through…but it should be fine.
We’re looking forward to seeing family soon…we love where we live…love our friends, neighbors, church, co workers, etc. but it will be good for me to be home for a bit. I’m reminded that for my kids…Illinois is home, it’s pretty much all they’ve ever known…but for me when I see that Michigan sign as I’m driving up I-69 it triggers many memories. We’re looking forward to playing in the snow…relaxing together, playing games, eating wonderful food (I love the fact that I don’t have to bake…everyone else does it so why should I bother:), good restful times, conversations, memories, hopes and dreams to talk about…etc. It will be so nice to be together again.
The girls and I had an interesting conversation yesterday after our little devotional at breakfast…the giving of gifts/stuff vs. the giving of experiences/memories and the pluses and minuses of each…it’s interesting to me that when you’re a kid the “stuff” of life seems so great…and how as I get older and hopefully wiser…the experiences and memories are so much more important to me. We all have way more stuff than we need anyway…and I’m always reminded that if I had Mark back for a week…I wouldn’t care one hoot about going into a store and buying stuff…I would care completely about having conversations…moments in time…memories…shared life…with him…that’s what would be important to me…so if that’s what is important in that setting I can almost bet that the same can be said about the people I’m around daily. Stuff has it’s place…and I like to shop as much as the next person…but I would much rather go out to lunch with a friend…travel with family…go to a concert or event…take a road trip…do something brave and adventurous…etc. that’s what life is really all about…the stuff just gets old, broken and dusty anyway…or outdated…although the way fashions are going a lot of my teenager stuff is back in style:).
Have a great Saturday…you only have so many to spend in your life…spend them wisely.
Love,
RUth

Seems incredibly good to be to another weekend! Only two more days of school next week and then holiday break, yippee! Tonight my sister Becky and her husband are coming through and staying at our place on their way to Michigan so that will be fun to see them for a little bit. Always good to see family.
Tomorrow is Lydia’s dress rehearsal for the Christmas Program at church, I’m sure it will be adorable as usual. And then tomorrow night she’s having some friends over (two girls…) for a little party, it’s not really a birthday party…no gifts…but fun with friends two days before her birthday. They plan on making cookies and decorating them and going ice skating…so that will be fun, while Lauren is at a youth event at church.
All in all I feel a weight being lifted off with the fact that I’m pretty much done with performances for now…feels good:).
I got my information back from our Israel trip…what to do to be ready to go, etc. so I need to read through that and mom and Becky and I need to start giving it all some thought…clearly some advance preparation is in order as I printed off five pages of information to know before we go:).
Beyond that…no big news…which seems nice…continue to pray for Amy.
The girls and I finished the Season one of The Mentalist last night…we sure we’re addicted for a few days to watching all of it:)…oh well it’s done and over now.
Love,
Ruth

My last evening program is finished:). I’m so glad to be done for another Christmas Season. I do have one fourth/fifth grade choir program left but that’s during the school day on Tuesday so doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Last night went well I thought…it really does help to have other teachers there to help and so I didn’t experience any of the stress that I did trying to corral kids the night before and we also had no cockroach/mouse incident so that helped too:).

We’re so ready for holiday break at my house…have to get through three more school days after today. Last night I talked to my mom and she updated me on my sister in law’s situation (Amy). She has been out at Pittsburgh again to do follow up surgery to her other major surgery. She was supposed to be going home today but they found a “leak” and are having to fix that, sounds like infection is involved…while we’re glad they caught it while she is there…it means that she will be in the hospital over Christmas now…at least another week. When mom told me…I just felt so bad for her and for her family…that was the whole point why she went when she did, she wanted to be home for the holidays. So please keep Amy in your prayers and her family. She’s spent a lot of time away from home this fall in hospitals and while I think everything is still going as well as it can…I’m sure it’s been hard and from what I know, which is limited…she still is not really able to eat much…so when she does come home it will still be a long recovery from all of this…I’m thankful that she has a great church and family around to help her and the rest of them out. I could tell when my mom talked to me she was at the point of all of us jumping in the car and taking a road trip to Pittsburgh…and who knows…maybe that will still happen…just a lot to weigh out…the holiday time is such a busy time anyway…trying to see everybody…we’ll have to see how it goes.

O.k. so here goes Thursday…have a good one,
Love,
Ruth

I’ve been laying in bed thinking…knowing I need more sleep…but thinking about the events of last night at my 7/8th grade program. I was tempted to get up and blog…but kind of wondered if that was really what I needed…I don’t ever want this blog to replace me just going to God about life. The truth is, if Mark was here…this is the kind of thing that he and I would’ve talked about and he would’ve given me the reassurance that I was looking for. That’s something that husband’s and wives do all the time…and I guess part of me without realizing it feels like I have a phantom limb in a way…even though Mark has been cut off from my life…I still feel the need for him, miss him…and feel the loss. I was surprised when Lydia came up to me after the program almost in tears…I had no idea the program music would generate strong emotions from her but it did…she was my official videotaper so it could be interesting watching the videotape in class today…but she told me it was really emotional for her because all she could think about was how proud her dad would’ve been of Lauren…how he would’ve been in the audience giving her two thumbs up…we hadn’t talked about it ahead of time…so I almost felt like she had experienced Mark’s presence in some way last night…and Lauren gave him much to be proud of.
I can’t lie it was a stressful evening for me on a variety of levels…frustrating that just getting the kids up to the stage and sitting down in their spots is such a process…I was having to be out in the entry way shooing them in…I wanted to scream…”do you all realize we have a program here…” but the truth is no matter how much I try some of the kids would just as soon stand around in the lobby visiting than to get to their spot…then the next stopping point was the stage where again…too many kids standing around having to be put into their place…and I was doing it alone or at least that’s how I felt. The kids were jammed on the risers…even with all the sections of risers possible it was a tight squeeze so when the front row on the floor suddenly freaked out that they had seen a cockroach or later as it was reported to me a mouse and then totally panicked causing a huge scene in front of the audience it was stressful for me. I ended up probably taking some of that stress out on one student who I will need to apologize to today…I ended up telling her to go to a section that wasn’t even her section due to shortage of space…and with my general irritation at that point and I know she has no idea why I was short with her…she ended up standing at the end of her section so I guess it worked out…but I know it wasn’t a great moment.
I have a group of students who were added into choir this fall on a day when I was gone working at my elementary at the beginning of the year who had no permission from me before hand that have given me havoc ever since…and of course those students in whatever ways didn’t handle themselves well…or at least that’s what I’m told. I’m just crazy enough that when I’m directing I must somehow shut some of that out and I just try to focus on the music. But it’s disheartening when after the program that’s the report that I’m given. I want to scream again…they never should’ve been put in choir…wanted to drop way back in October and were told they couldn’t so I’ve now had to deal with their nonsense for way too long…I remind myself that it’s only a few more days. But again frustrating.
I think overall the kids sounded pretty good…at least as far as I could tell…I had to laugh out loud while I was waiting for kids to be picked up long after the program was over out in the cold on the front steps of the school…that somehow in my lack of brains when I thought I was giving my honor choir a break and lowering one of their songs by a half of a pitch, I accidentally raised it by a half a pitch instead. I would’ve had no clue except that Lauren said to me…”Mom…why did you raise that song a half step?” And that’s when I realized…in my effort to help…I had actually made it worse…and at that point I just had to break out laughing at my own error. To their credit the kids sang it with the note I gave them at the beginning…and actually did a pretty good job…it was the fastest we’ve ever sung the song…and who knows maybe they were just trying to get through it because it was so high:).
The room was full with parents, grandparents, etc. but honestly in the hurry of leaving which I do understand only two parents even made any comment to me about the program…maybe that shouldn’t matter…but it does…they were in the room and for some of them I was dealing with their difficult child while they sat and had to do nothing…I was able to pull some decent music out of their child and then not to even be appreciated for that…well I have to admit…it hurts. Again, I’m sure if I ran into any of those parents they would have good things to say…maybe they were just in a rush to get out of the parking lot…but I’m reminded that some good word should be said from us to those who have worked hard…especially pouring into the life of our own children. I know I get paid for this job…but it’s not why I do what I do…and it doesn’t make up for the lack of encouragement and appreciation.
Again…I think the program went fine…probably not one of the best I’ve ever done…but it was fine…but I could’ve really used Mark’s input tonight…I needed him to tell me that I did a good job…frankly I needed him in the lobby helping me shoo in kids…I needed him to protect me, to care for me…to help me…and I have to admit I felt like a lone ranger tonight…they were good people around…and Debbie if you read this…I appreciate your help…you came on a night when you didn’t have to…showed up way early and I’m grateful. Part of me even fears putting something like this on this blog because every once in awhile I realize I’m treating this like a personal diary when I have no idea who reads it. But somewhere I need to be able to express that tonight was hard for me, my own two daughters are a wonderful support and I’m grateful…and frankly I was proud of Lauren for a multitude of reasons…but the fact that she knew when I blew the pitch pipe that my starting note was a half note too high makes my musical mom’s heart proud and amazed:).
Oh well…it’s done…I’m sure it was fine…and more importantly at this point…it’s over. Time to shift gears, to take a break and then come back charged up to go at it again.
Tonight is my sixth grade program…in a sense it’s an easier program…we have four music teachers involved…so more help…and less kids…I know we won’t have any issues tonight of kids not fitting on the risers…and I don’t direct anything…I play the piano for most of the evening and help the kids play handbells on one song…for me that’s an easier evening in a way. As long as I get my pages turned and don’t have any music fall of the piano I should be fine:). Guaranteed we’ll have a few students who don’t make good choices…and that will ruin it for some…but I can’t control everything and I can’t let it ruin it for me.
After tonight I’m definitely on the home stretch…one more program at my elementary next week…not a big one…and then I’m done. I’m ready…I’m tired, the older I get the more this whole thing wears on me physically, emotionally, etc.
I’m human…imagine that…hopefully filled on the inside with God who is my strength…but still human…and although I wish it didn’t matter to me…encouraging words do…reassurance that what I’m doing is good…and I find myself expressing this all on a blog…realizing that if I was married right now…this would’ve been a private conversation between my husband and I. That’s a bit bizarre for me and shows me how far my life has moved from what it used to be. I know many of you are supportive and I don’t want to make you feel like you have to write a comment to build me up…I’m not seeking praise…I’m just expressing what’s going on in my head at 4:30am this day. In expressing it I’m hoping that I will be able to leave it, to let go of it…and move on…I have to. In a few short hours I will be back at school and have more to deal with than I can manage on my own and I don’t need any of this stuff clouding my vision for today.
God was present…if He wasn’t I never could’ve made it through the evening last night. God was present…I’m sure that’s what Lydia felt on the balcony while she was videotaping…the emotion she felt. God was present…and I know that He held me while I slept last night.
Lori sang a song on Sunday at church that expressed that “God is with us…for us, in us, God is Emmanuel” I’m greatly comforted by the thought that not only is God in me…but He is actually pulling for me…I’m not alone. Last night was just one of those times when in a great cloud of people I felt alone…we all have those moments…probably no one even realizes it looking on from the outside…but it happens where you’re in a room of people but you feel alone…that’s how I felt last night. I’m thank ful this morning that God is Emmanuel…
Have a great one,
Ruth