The Jackson Family Online

It’s 9:45pm and my day is just getting to the point where I’m at home and can sit and relax…of course if I don’t go to sleep soon I’ll never make it through another day tomorrow. And that’s how life is isn’t it…the days keep coming in quick succession, one right after another…not that I would want time to stand still…and I’m not trying to wish time away…but once in awhile I feel like getting off the merry go round if you know what I mean:).
Tonight Hearts at Home was a welcome reprieve, so nice to hang with ladies my age…ok they’re all married…and I’m not but that’s ok…was nice to share heart to heart, to be real with one another and pray for one another. When I’m with other Christians in those kind of settings I can’t help but feel God with skin on which is an incredible gift that I’m grateful for.
All day today I’ve been feeling like I’m on the edge of some kind of revelation, something that God wants me to write about, to process, to give thought to and it’s been one of those days where their has just been no time to do that, frustrating for me. Because I’m always afraid that if I don’t write it down, get it going in my mind then I’ll forget the moment and have missed out. So…here goes.

In my small group with Lori we’re going through a book called “Breaking Free” and right now we’re dealing especially with looking back and tracing who our grandparents and parents were/are and how that’s effecting us a generation or two later. I think I already mentioned some of this on a previous blog…but the point is it’s got me thinking about my childhood more than I usually would…thinking about why I am the way I am, who I am…etc. Which led me to thinking about clothes…I know that sounds dorky but they signify something to me. When I was a kid and we went to church we wore our Sunday best which meant a dress or a skirt. We never and I mean never would’ve worn pants to church especially on a Sunday morning. It was unheard of in our home. And obviously some of that is the fact that it was a different time (we’re talking the 1970-1980’s here). If we got to wear dress pants to church on Sunday night that was an extreme luxury. We never were allowed to wear shorts to school…my big moment of rebellion was when I was a senior in high school and we got to wear graduation robes the last day or two of school and I wore shorts under the robe…talk about being on the edge:). When I was a kid my mom even ironed our sheets, she ironed everything! I can remember ironing my dad’s hankerchiefs. It’s just how it was. Now I only iron under extreme duress and when I absolutely have no other choice…and my sheets…well let’s just say I’m the only one who sees them so who cares:). The point is, their was a big focus on making things look good on the outside. I’m not saying this was a bad thing…nothing wrong with looking nice…but it is very different from who I am today. I also remember that their were certain conversations that were had at our home, that we were told to not talk about in public…and I understand, I mean I have certain conversations in my home that I wouldn’t want broadcast either…but the thought of us going to church and letting on in anyway that things were anything but perfect at home was not acceptable. My dad was a pastor…I’m sure that was part of it, but I also think that’s just the way things were. You didn’t talk about things that were outside the box. Things like boy girl relationships…etc. were not brought up in any form or fashion…I can’t tell you how naive I was, my daughters knew more than I did as a 16 year old when they were in elementary school, I’m not saying this is all positive, I mean we love for our children to stay innocent as long as possible. But what that innocence cost is we never did get around to talking about real life stuff. I have conversations with my kids that I don’t remember ever having with my mom and dad. And maybe we’re making our kids these days grow up to fast…but they definitely know that mom is a cracked pot…and for the most part I’m ok with that. The whole point is…appearances were everything. I’m not saying their wasn’t any substance to back it up…we had family devotions every day, we’re in church at every opportunity and I would credit my parents strongly for giving me the foundation that has kept me rooted when all else has broken loose ( you know the word I was thinking of…but again…I grew up where appearances mattered so…you’ll just have to use your imagination on that one:).
The thing that happened out of all of this…or at least one of the things that came out of it, is that I felt that I needed to be perfect…found out that I couldn’t be no matter how hard I tried…dealt with the consequences of those imperfections and I’m finding that I’m a person who is much more comfortable and can live out my faith in an authentic way when I have a pair of old jeans on with some holes and a worn in hoodie and bare feet…or maybe slippers. I’m talking figuratively here to some degree (although I would actually wear that everyday if I had a choice). In my life I feel like God has taken the years of my adult life to strip away the notion of perfection, the notion of having it all together, the notion of having the answers…and I’ve been left with an authentic, holey, cracked, real life. And the amazing thing is that I think I got the best end of the deal. The holes in my life…the failures…the job firings, the marriage struggles, the loss of Mark, the parenting struggles, financial bad choices I’ve made over the years…and I could go on and on…but basically all of the stuff of life that doesn’t go the way you planned it…well those things have all left holes in my clothes, my outer shell of perfection…and now my life fits like only a pair of worn in jeans can fit. I’ve found that the grace of God that we sing about, that I sang about my entire childhood…it was all just shiny veneer on my life until I had a few holes that God allowed to happen to me…then that grace slipped under the surface and I experienced it in a way that I could’ve never experienced it with the look good, talk good, mentality. In the bible it talks about counting it all joy…and I’m amazed at how when you start to embrace the holes in your life…the stuff that has gone terrible, the stuff that you had control of and the stuff you had no control of…when you start to not only accept it but to actually embrace it and welcome how God is going to use it for His glory…those holes allow the living God to not only live inside of me…but they allow more of His grace to seep through…and at the same time He is meeting my needs…His grace that I’ve experienced seeps on to other people…When we’ve been there…when we’ve struggled ourselves how much more ready are we to extend grace to others. Not that you can’t care about someone without having walked in their shoes…but truthfully until you’ve been broken, cracked, experienced a few holes how can you really love the way God wants us to love…literally with His love.
I’m finally coming to a place where literally and figuratively you get what you get when it comes to Ruth…there is no shiny veneer…no flashy presence…no making a great first impression…I’m just who I am holes and all. I’m not obnoxious about it…but I can tell you this…I’ve blown up at my kids more times than I would like to recount, I’ve struggled with impure motives and thoughts…do on a regular basis to tell you the truth, I’ve been fired from jobs, I’m a husbandless wife, I’m a teacher a mom a sister, daughter and friend that tries to be there in time of need but often isn’t. I could go on and on…but the fact is I am saved by grace and nothing less. And I’m so thank ful these days when I sing Amazing Grace…it’s just like having water poured over me that seeps into every pore of my being. I think as a child before too many holes were in my life…it just pored over me without me giving it too much thought. I’m thankful that I memorized a lot of the bible when I was a kid even though it didn’t have a whole lot of meaning to me then…because now when my heart breaks the right verse comes to me at the right moment…just like it’s been sitting on the surface of me waiting for an entry point. Brokeness can be embraced. That’s surely not a thought that is common with the world. Plans changed can be a gift…that’s surely not a common thought from ordinary Ruth:)…failures, mistakes, sin, etc. and all of the holes it leaves in it’s wake…can be used, in fact will be used for God’s glory as long as we turn all of that stuff over to God.
If you see me at church these days…it’s usually in jeans…unless I have to be on the platform and then I still have to go back to how I was raised at least to some degree…I pull out some dress pants (the dresses and skirts, the few that I have hang in my closet collecting dust…). More importantly these days regardless of where you see me…you get the real deal…I have no need to impress…no need to look good…I love to share what God has done in my life…I’ve experienced His grace and as I have and do…hopefully it flows out on to those I’m around. Holes lead us to holiness…we’re set apart. When we can rejoice in our weaknesses, share our real selves, than we are nothing like the world and we give every opportunity for God to shine through.
Those are my thoughts today. I tend to write and process things through visual pictures like clothes today…but I hope you get the deeper message. I know it’s not pretty…just ask my kids…I’m not nearly as collected as my mom was when I was growing up…but they’re getting the deepest/ real me they can possibly get. I think one of the most beautiful things about living in community with other Christians is being able to share the messes of life…and to track the faithfulness of God through it all, to share mistakes and failures and to be able to sit under the waterfall of Grace from God together, to be honest with one another and be encouraged that you’re not alone.
Time for bed…the next day is already knocking at my door…I can feel it. I want to tell it to go away, I’m not home…but somehow it seems to just come on in anyway:). At least it’s Friday.
Love,
Ruth