The Jackson Family Online

I got my feelings a little bent out of shape yesterday with my oldest. We were eating and I had been talking about our plans this summer and how some people are responding to them and I was sharing how I felt about that…and she said…”Mom…we’re too open”, which basically meant mom I don’t want to hear you vent…she referred to our rides home after work and how I tend to vent on the ride home…I guess it bent me out of shape because I’ve kind of prided myself on the fact that we are really open with each other. I thought that was a plus. And she was telling me that it was a negative, at least at that moment. And then she proceeded to compare our family to another family and basically let me know that she liked their style over mine. Ouch! Nothing like having your kid tell you that they wish you were like some other mom to burst your bubble. In both of our defenses…I’m sure we were tired out after a good but long weekend…and who knows what other female hormones were going on. But still it hurt.
My mom is sweet…she stayed at home for the most part…always cooked home made meals…kept a tidy home…worked with us on homework etc. We look at our mom to show us what motherhood should look like. For me…that can be a little confusing as I’m quite a bit different. I’m lucky to cook a homemade dinner for my family on any given night of the week. My home fluctuates between neat and tidy and a mess…and frankly I don’t think I’m very sweet. I don’t excel at gentleness…that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t keep trying…but I admit it I’m not a natural caretaker…not one of those mom’s who was great with each booboo and injury my kids have had. I tend to tell my kids it’s time to go and then I start walking and expect them to follow. I would never leave them but they do understand that I’m not just going to wait for them either. Maybe that seems not very maternal, I don’t know. And not having a spouse…well no doubt my kids hear conversations that they probably wouldn’t have heard otherwise…who am I supposed to talk to these days? I’ve never been a good bottle upper kind of person…just can’t do it. I told Lauren that if the rides home bothered her she could always ride the bus…she didn’t think it was quite that bad:).
I let it go for a little while after the initial conversation…but it was still on my mind. Nothing like having your kid tell you that the deepest part of who you are is more than they want to be around to get your goat. So…last night after we dropped Lydia off at orchestra practice Lauren and I went shopping…truthfully we didn’t buy a thing…I just talked to her over the bush around the bush, through the bush, about the earlier issue…I figured if she didn’t feel sorry at least I could wear her down with my persistence. Ok that wasn’t necessarily going through my mind at the time…but looking back I think that’s what I did. By the end of it all…she apologized but wasn’t exactly sure what she was even apologizing for but surely wanted it all to stop. Another stellar parenting moment with Ruth.

The good news is…when I opened up my devos this morning lo and behold it was a direct line from God to apply to my life. I’ve been reading in Job this week and I was at the part where Job has questioned God and God responds with a flourish about all that He has created and keeps in motion and how Job is basically nothing without God…He puts Job in His place…talks Him around the bush, over the bush and through the bush about who is in charge…and Job takes a step back, apologizes, and is restored with double the fortune he had in the beginning. I love as a parent that God put Job in His place…because I can relate to that feeling of occasionally putting my children in their place. we parents tend to feel unappreciated…we sacrifice a ton for our kids and often it’s never noticed…or at least no where near the moment it happens. The title of the devotional was “God can handle you” and that sure seemed fitting. I love this quote by Peter Kreeft about this portion of scripture “Job is in a true relationship to God, as the three friends are not: a relationship of heart and soul, life-or-death passion…God is infinite love, and the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Job’s love for God is infected with hate, but the three friends’ love for God is infected with indifference. Job stays married to God and throws dishes at him; the three friends have a polite nonmarriage, with separate bedrooms and separate vacations. The family that fights together stays together.” Yes my devotional actually said that and I said AMEN. I love the quote the family that fights together stays together. As long as you care enough to fight you probably care enough to work it out. The problem comes when one or both parties no longer care so they don’t bother with the fight. When I read that today I realized that even if Lauren and her love for me in yesterday’s moment included a little hate…that’s ok…I should be more concerned if she is indifferent to me. And I love the way God doesn’t seem to care that Job fights back…at least he’s honest. God actually seems to respect that. What a relief…because that’s me to a tee…being genuine and real and honest and authentic…which all mean basically the same thing…are at the core of who I am and yesterday when Lauren told me to be like someone else…I just knew I couldn’t…take it or leave it this is who I am. I am so relieved that “God can handle me”:).

Back to Lauren…we’re fine…and today after school we’ve scheduled some hot tub and talk time….which will hopefully mean that I will be doing the listening and her the talking for the most part. We have a house full of estrogen…some days it’s more noticeable than others!
Love,
Ruth